I haven't really blogged anything long as of late, and since my emotions are in a bit of a spin cycle, I might as well.

It looks like war is upon us. I don't like wars. I don't really care much for fighting anyways. Call me a wuss. Call me weak. Call be whatever you want. I just feel there are other ways to deal with things other than going at it with fists balled and guns a-blazing. I will say this, however. If this is the only option left, so be it. I don't like not having a choice, but even one option is better than none.

Still, my biggest fear is that the draft will be reinstated. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, I'm as good as dead. Sure, there is that chance that I'll end up failing the physical or even the pyschological tests, but if things get desprate? I can't fight! It would take a long time for me to even get into fighting shape with army training or whatever.

Okay, okay, I'll admit it. I'm weak. So what? There isn't anything bad about being weak....

... is there?

Now that I got all this war talk out of my system, there's another matter that's bothering me just as much. James.

I really screwed things up with him. I know I did. I'm so maniplative. What ended up happening (because I'm not sure if I blogged it or not) is that Bill got inside my head. Andrew's relationship didn't work out, and he was taking it really hard. Like the good friend I am, I was there and will continue to always be there for him whenever he needs someone to cry on. Bill thought, in his good nature, that maybe he and I should be boyfriends again. It almost worked. I say almost because one night Andrew called me and cleared things up. He help me see that my heart is with someone else. James. He said that he and I would be buddies for life, which is really cool in my book. I finally have a really nice life long friend, and I couldn't have such a better guy than Andrew. He also said that he'd help me out any way he can. Knowing him, that means alot! So how did he help me? He told me to go ahead and contact James right away. I did so and got to talk to him the following day. The thing is, it went sour fast. James appears to have a new interest. Knowing my luck, it someone perfect. Someone I can't compeate with. But that's not what's bothering me about James. He said something to me that made me confuse and rethink what I've been told. He said that neither one of us was commited to each other ever. He said that he could look around just like how I can. Yeah, right, in this city? I have about as much chance of finding my type here as I do as finding a car on my own that I like and want to drive. He is in Gay Mecca, and has a luxury that I don't. Envy boiled to the surface, and i just totally blew him off. Wrong thing to do, Zeek. Still, how could he say that?! He was never commited to me, but he sure acted like he was. Dan says that he has all my pictures in his room. Kevin let me in on a secret about a little nickname he's given me. Andrew also said that he really loves be, but doesn't want to say it! He had Bill hack into James's laptop only to find him looking at pictures of me! ME!! If he was never commited to me, he sure was obcessed with me. So how could he just stop? I know the answer to that. I messed up going to Andrew after Bill's brainwashing. I hurt him more than I will ever know, and the way he's dealing with it is that he's going off to meet up with another cute face that he can, this time, meet in person.

I suck at the game of love. Whoever wrote the book of love, I need the cliff-notes.... BADLY!

Remember how a few weeks ago I walked to the mall and met this really cool guy named Josh and how I gave him my number? Well, I wasn't expecting him to call, and I was right. So why do I bring him up? Well, I was hoping that maybe I could just hang out with him or something. Do whatever he wants to do. I mean, it would be a hell of a lot better than what I have going for me right now. A nice little escape.

So what do I have going for me right now? Well, I still have everyone breathing down my neck about applying for college. I still don't want to do that just yet. I have alot bigger fish to fry right now. Still, with all the recent developments going on in my "other life," maybe I should. I want something better than what I have going for me right now. If I have nothing once again, what do I have to lose applying to Watkins? About $35? So? I've lost more than that before. It's called mindless spending and quarter-dropping into DDR. I really have nothing to lose. Actually, I never had anything to lose to begin with.

I hate when I get this way. Ranty and dark. Depressed and stupid. It's because I can't cope. I want that shoulder to cry on. That buddy to put his arm around me and make sure I'm okay.

Oddly enough, I need Andrew now just like he needed me. I need him to help me get my mind off of things just like how I can help him get his mind off of all the bad things in his life.

But I still want my muscle boy James. I want him with all my heart.

I want alot of things. Most of which I'll never get. I'm better off not getting my hopes all that high. I'm better off nothing thinking that I can do anything I want and can get anything I want if I only believe. I've done that before, and it's gotten me nowhere.

I need a way to let go. I need a way to just cut loose from all this. I need a way to be me again. I need a way to find who I am. I need to enjoy life again instead of hating it.

I need help no one can really give me.