So let me tell you about last night. It's quiet the tale, really.

Last night, things started off well enough. Dan came home from work, and we talked. After a while, I talked to James. That's when things started to change. When I started asking him if he wanted anything from me like a picture or a drawing from me, he said that he threw that little collection of his out the window. Apparently, he found someone better over there. I kind of knew that was going to happen if I was stuck here too long, but I was still hurt by it. When I get hurt, I just can't think. This time was different, however. After I was told this, I conciously asked to talk to Andrew. However, as a result of my actions which I learned later, it would appear that I dropped James like a lead balloon. That makes mistake number what with him? I don't know because I've lost count. When I started talking to Andrew, I couldn't really figure out how to talk about the things I wanted to. What came out was actually some kind of pathetic plea for him to help me because I couldn't help myself. That was the spark that started a fire. Andrew, in his hard-ass way, started to do what he and Dan do best. Verbally kick my ass. The conversation transended from online to over the phone. While we were talking about why I am like I am and what the deal is with why I'm still here pushing on 20, I couldn't find the words. If there was a recording of the conversation, you'd hear me stuttering and stumbling for words. I know what I wanted to say sometimes, but the words didn't come out. The other times I just couldn't figure out what to say. In the end, however, I learned something that I've always known. I need someone to push me like Andrew, because only he and Dan can. I also learned just how pathetic I really am. How I can't do anything for myself without being told like I have to do it. Upsetting, isn't it? The cool part is the fact that Andrew said that he still loves me and everything between me is cool. He has an understanding of me, but he wants me to be something better. I want to be something better too. I want to be just like him. All ballsy, not giving a fuck, out there. At one point in the conversation, I said that. I also said that I believe that if I could somehow get to meet them and stay with them long enough that maybe, just maybe, that will rub off on me and I'll come out of my pathetic state. Russ did. So why can't I? It's like what Dan said. I'm different. Unique. After a while, Dan popped on the phone. He explained to me about how he has his doubts with me. The deal was and still is that when he feels that I'm ready, I can meet the rest of the gang. The thing is, he doesn't think I'm ready or that I'll ever be ready. I have too many issues, too many emotional bags on me. Before I can even get to be in the same house of as them, Dan needs to be assured that I am mentally sound. He would like it if I got some kind of help before going up back to Seattle to meet the guys. Now, let me say that I was no surprised that he said that. I've know it for a long time. I know I need help. The thing is, I thought I found it with how Dan pushes me and gives me a verbal smackdown making sure that tomorrow is do-or-die time. He does it more effectively than the nagging and getting on my ass and annoying me that I get here. Apparently, that's not the help I need. The conversation then went back and forth between this and how much a loser I am for being stuck here because I can't do anything for myself. So what do we do with Zeek? was the theme of the night. What would happen if this were to happen? What would I do if this happened? What would I do if I fucked up again and got sent back home? It became another do-or-die time! I haven't had that since last Thanksgiving! That was when I was told what I needed to do for myself. That was when I was given my orders, so to speak.

The original plan was to hound my mother about her promise that if I were to apply, I'd get a computer. Just get on their case about it like they got on my case. That later changed to get out there and get a job because, well, with James obviously with someone new, I have nothing else left to lose. Today I was suppose to clean up, make myself look nice, and then find a job to better off myself. Night, day, gas station, supermarket, mall, fast-foot chain, whatever. Just get out there and get one! Now, priority one in the plan is this. If I am to ever get a chance to meet with the people I so desprately want to meet, if I am to even get a shot ad trying to bask in their light and be influanced by them and by the way they act, if I am ever going to get what I want deep down in the very heart of my soul, I need to have in writing a medical release saying that I am of sound mind. That would make Dan alot more comfortable with me. If I cannot get that, then at the least another (and hopefully better) theropist. Being under a doctor's care would do the same for Dan what the medical release would do. If it is better or worst, I can't really tell. All that I know is that if I can't get one or the other, I'm fucked! I'll have to stay down here, not get the ass kicking that I need to do anything in life, and become even more pathetic.

Actually, now that I think about it, who said that I only had to do one of those things?