Wow, today was a pretty good birthday for me.
When I woke up, I was greeted with a task to do. Get online! My mother had already called Comcast. They said that all we needed to do was plug it in and it will take care of the rest. "It" meaning WindowsXP. Well, for some reason, that didn't happen. I ended up calling tech support to find out what it was that kept screwing this up. What ended up happening was that there was a connection problem due to an overlooked LAN line connection. Go figure.
So let's see. Now that I'm back online, what is there to blog about today?
Today's birthday gift was from my sister. May I meantion that it was the only gift today? Anyway, it was the Who Framed Roger Rabbit Special Edition DVD! It is loaded with goodies and fun stuff! I don't think it's DVD-rom compatable, but it's nice to know that I don't have to go upstairs to my parents room to watch it.
Another "gift" was a phone call from Watkins. It appears that they had everything but my referances. Since the deadline is tomorrow, I kind of got worried a bit. We went down to Overton and checked with Mrs. Buck, an old teacher of mine that I've been quite fond of. It turned out that she sent it last week, so it should have been at Watkins. To make a long story short, the letter turned up later this afternoon. Waktins's Dean of Admissions called us up after we visited to see if they got it in the mail today. They didn't get today's mail untill after we left.
While at Overton, we were talking about various people with Mrs. Buck. She brought up a guy named Woody. Now, Woody is this really cool guy. He's a bit of a goofball, but in a cool way. The part about him that makes me feel like I have a kinship with him is the fact that he is an artist like me. So what about Woody did Mrs. Buck bring up? Apparently, he's in the marines. He's going to get sent over to Iraq. Woody is a good kid, and I would hate to see someone like him sent over there needlessly. Besides, call be greedy, but I was hoping to see him in Watkins.
Anyways, since I have the computer for tonight, I need to go reset a few things I did last night because I thought I wouldn't have this computer for long.
Monday, March 31, 2003
Sunday, March 30, 2003
I hate to say this, but this could potentially be my last blog. There's a reason too. A damn good reason. And it's a long one.
A long time ago, around Christmas, my mom got the word that as of April 1st she will be out of a job. As such, we'll be losing the laptop. This is like a death blow to me. For one, I don't do well without a computer. Not only do I have little addictions like Neopets and Blogger, but the social aspect of what I have here online will be nulled and void. That means I won't be able to talk to any of the people on here that I truely love and care about. Do you know how much that sucks?!
Well, knowing that a computer is so important to us in our daily lives, my mother went looking for a computer. At first she wanted Dell or HP or something reputable like that. The thing is, they are expensive. Why are they so costly? Because you're paying for the name. We looked at several places and ended up buying an eMachine from Best Buy. It was the cheapest thing to buy for what we do. In any event, we do have a computer. We don't have online on it. The jack for the cable modem doesn't fit the jack in the back.
I'm really pissed off right now. Not about the whole losing online thing, even thought that is up there. I'm pissed at the fact that my own mother thinks I'm her private IT. "Why don't you help?" she always says. Why not asking herself that question? She wants me to install software. There are little wizards in the software that make even the stupidest of computer users able to install things!! She acts as if because I'm her son, I'm her slave. At least, that's what it seems like at time. And let met tell you this, it sucks! It's like she can't do a thing by herself because it's too new. What's the deal?! I know grandparents out there that are more technologically sound than she is! No wonder I got scammed into going computer hunting today.
That's another thing I'm mad about. I thought we were going to go computer hunting for me. She owes me a computer. Did she buy me a computer? NO! What did she get? She got herself her computer for her and Jessica to use. What did I get? Well, not that I'm complaining about getting Pokemon Crystal (finally), but I was hoping for a new computer for ME! So why the hell did she even bring me along if she was only going to get a computer for herself? Well, she needed some "expert" tech advice. Hell, I'm no expert! I can barely figure out this laptop that I'm on for the last time!! You know what else pushes my buttons about all this? I'm convinced she lied to me. She's never going to get me a computer of my own. And if I bring it up, she'll be all "you only think about yourself" on me.
New Flash: I have to think about myself, because no one else will!
At least not in this family. I can't do everything by myself. I need to be pushed to do something. I'm also not this slave that people can just take advantage of. I'm a human. I mean, come on! Just because I'm her son doesn't give her the right to a personal slave! If it did, then what the hell is my sister doing for her? Oh, that's right, running the till at the store. But you know what? She enjoys that and wants to do that. Me? I'm sorry, I got other plans. They may be stupid plans, but they are something I want to do. Like it or not.
All and all, I'm just really sick of what I have going for me here. No one knows me, no one seems to care about me unless I do something different or new or go away for a while. It's like when I'm here, they don't even bother to check on me. I think it is because of this that I'm so messed up about so many things. I think it's because of this that I need Dan and his verbal assaulting and that way he does things to get me to do things that I know I wouldn't be able to do on my own. I hate it here. All the material goods I have, all the video games, all the clothes. They mean nothing to me with a real feeling of love. Am I getting any of that?! NO!!! I'm being treated like a damn IT department! I wish I could just disappear and then everything tech would just break down here while I'm gone. Then we will see how they deal with it without Zeek around to clean up their digital mess after them.
You know, all this is making me feel better. I'm going to miss blogging. I'm going to miss talking to my friends on IMs instead of by snail mail untill we get a modem. More than likely, I won't be allowed on the computer. After all, they could pull the whole "this isn't your computer" angle. I guess that means I'll be playing my games more and more now instead of chatting the night away with people I feel are more of a family than what I have. Which means I'll be looking for them again for some kind of substanace. Some kind of escape. Like a drug. Oh God, that means I'll be more pathetic than I am now.
Dan, Bill... er, I mean Jack (he changed his name because he inherited something from his Great Uncle who he loves with all his heart and soul), Josh, Andrew, Aaron, Mark, Seth, Sam, Randy, Russ, David, Bobby. Get me out of here!!!!!!!
A long time ago, around Christmas, my mom got the word that as of April 1st she will be out of a job. As such, we'll be losing the laptop. This is like a death blow to me. For one, I don't do well without a computer. Not only do I have little addictions like Neopets and Blogger, but the social aspect of what I have here online will be nulled and void. That means I won't be able to talk to any of the people on here that I truely love and care about. Do you know how much that sucks?!
Well, knowing that a computer is so important to us in our daily lives, my mother went looking for a computer. At first she wanted Dell or HP or something reputable like that. The thing is, they are expensive. Why are they so costly? Because you're paying for the name. We looked at several places and ended up buying an eMachine from Best Buy. It was the cheapest thing to buy for what we do. In any event, we do have a computer. We don't have online on it. The jack for the cable modem doesn't fit the jack in the back.
I'm really pissed off right now. Not about the whole losing online thing, even thought that is up there. I'm pissed at the fact that my own mother thinks I'm her private IT. "Why don't you help?" she always says. Why not asking herself that question? She wants me to install software. There are little wizards in the software that make even the stupidest of computer users able to install things!! She acts as if because I'm her son, I'm her slave. At least, that's what it seems like at time. And let met tell you this, it sucks! It's like she can't do a thing by herself because it's too new. What's the deal?! I know grandparents out there that are more technologically sound than she is! No wonder I got scammed into going computer hunting today.
That's another thing I'm mad about. I thought we were going to go computer hunting for me. She owes me a computer. Did she buy me a computer? NO! What did she get? She got herself her computer for her and Jessica to use. What did I get? Well, not that I'm complaining about getting Pokemon Crystal (finally), but I was hoping for a new computer for ME! So why the hell did she even bring me along if she was only going to get a computer for herself? Well, she needed some "expert" tech advice. Hell, I'm no expert! I can barely figure out this laptop that I'm on for the last time!! You know what else pushes my buttons about all this? I'm convinced she lied to me. She's never going to get me a computer of my own. And if I bring it up, she'll be all "you only think about yourself" on me.
New Flash: I have to think about myself, because no one else will!
At least not in this family. I can't do everything by myself. I need to be pushed to do something. I'm also not this slave that people can just take advantage of. I'm a human. I mean, come on! Just because I'm her son doesn't give her the right to a personal slave! If it did, then what the hell is my sister doing for her? Oh, that's right, running the till at the store. But you know what? She enjoys that and wants to do that. Me? I'm sorry, I got other plans. They may be stupid plans, but they are something I want to do. Like it or not.
All and all, I'm just really sick of what I have going for me here. No one knows me, no one seems to care about me unless I do something different or new or go away for a while. It's like when I'm here, they don't even bother to check on me. I think it is because of this that I'm so messed up about so many things. I think it's because of this that I need Dan and his verbal assaulting and that way he does things to get me to do things that I know I wouldn't be able to do on my own. I hate it here. All the material goods I have, all the video games, all the clothes. They mean nothing to me with a real feeling of love. Am I getting any of that?! NO!!! I'm being treated like a damn IT department! I wish I could just disappear and then everything tech would just break down here while I'm gone. Then we will see how they deal with it without Zeek around to clean up their digital mess after them.
You know, all this is making me feel better. I'm going to miss blogging. I'm going to miss talking to my friends on IMs instead of by snail mail untill we get a modem. More than likely, I won't be allowed on the computer. After all, they could pull the whole "this isn't your computer" angle. I guess that means I'll be playing my games more and more now instead of chatting the night away with people I feel are more of a family than what I have. Which means I'll be looking for them again for some kind of substanace. Some kind of escape. Like a drug. Oh God, that means I'll be more pathetic than I am now.
Dan, Bill... er, I mean Jack (he changed his name because he inherited something from his Great Uncle who he loves with all his heart and soul), Josh, Andrew, Aaron, Mark, Seth, Sam, Randy, Russ, David, Bobby. Get me out of here!!!!!!!
Friday, March 28, 2003
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Well, my "Shock and Awe" bombing was put through the motions. I was both in shock and in awe at to how my parents each replied.
My dad seemed more resceptive to what I told them about Dan saying I can come back with a medical release than my mother. In fact, it would appear that my mother put up the walls of defence. My dad, on the other hand, actually listened. It would appear that the only thing my dad wants to do is talk to Dan. You know, just to figure things out and all that. My mom doesn't want to have any part of it because she feels she has to pay for my ticket again. I told her that Dan is going to pay for it, but money is still and issue for one reason or another. In another show of ignorance, it looks as if you have to pay to get a medical release done. With my mother about to be jobless, that's not really a good option.
Overall though, it would seem that this could go either way.
My dad seemed more resceptive to what I told them about Dan saying I can come back with a medical release than my mother. In fact, it would appear that my mother put up the walls of defence. My dad, on the other hand, actually listened. It would appear that the only thing my dad wants to do is talk to Dan. You know, just to figure things out and all that. My mom doesn't want to have any part of it because she feels she has to pay for my ticket again. I told her that Dan is going to pay for it, but money is still and issue for one reason or another. In another show of ignorance, it looks as if you have to pay to get a medical release done. With my mother about to be jobless, that's not really a good option.
Overall though, it would seem that this could go either way.
I just came back from my walk/job-hunt.
I hit up the Mapco gas station first. Kevin told me that gas stations are always hiring somone, normally for the night shifts, in Washington. I figured the same would apply down here. Well, it does, but the sad thing is I have to be 21 to work at any of those places. Beer law.
I, then, hit up the old Wal-Mart seeing how their peak season ended. Lucky me, they were hiring! They were only looking for Cashier, Unloaders, and Cart-Pushers, but at least that's something!
Across the street, Kroger was expanding and remodeling. With the added space they were going to gain, that meant they needed more employees. The guy at Customer Service gave me an application, even though they are looking for Photo Lab only for now. He said that with the remodeling going on, it may be a while (a month is what he said) untill they will start hiring for other positions. Still, it couldn't hurt to fill one out.
I then went to H. G. Hills and asked there. They gave me the same answer as last time. Accepting but not hiring. I got another application from them anyways.
Well, at least it was better than the last time I did it so-many-months ago. I mean, only one place in the area that I went to said that I can't work for them.
I thought about James while I was walking and what I did to him last night. I feel like a compleate ass. I plan on apologizing, but I fear that maybe it's too late for that. After all, Andrew did say that I shut the door on that one. You're not suppose to shut it compleately. You're suppose to leave it open a little. That's what Andrew told me.
I hit up the Mapco gas station first. Kevin told me that gas stations are always hiring somone, normally for the night shifts, in Washington. I figured the same would apply down here. Well, it does, but the sad thing is I have to be 21 to work at any of those places. Beer law.
I, then, hit up the old Wal-Mart seeing how their peak season ended. Lucky me, they were hiring! They were only looking for Cashier, Unloaders, and Cart-Pushers, but at least that's something!
Across the street, Kroger was expanding and remodeling. With the added space they were going to gain, that meant they needed more employees. The guy at Customer Service gave me an application, even though they are looking for Photo Lab only for now. He said that with the remodeling going on, it may be a while (a month is what he said) untill they will start hiring for other positions. Still, it couldn't hurt to fill one out.
I then went to H. G. Hills and asked there. They gave me the same answer as last time. Accepting but not hiring. I got another application from them anyways.
Well, at least it was better than the last time I did it so-many-months ago. I mean, only one place in the area that I went to said that I can't work for them.
I thought about James while I was walking and what I did to him last night. I feel like a compleate ass. I plan on apologizing, but I fear that maybe it's too late for that. After all, Andrew did say that I shut the door on that one. You're not suppose to shut it compleately. You're suppose to leave it open a little. That's what Andrew told me.
So let me tell you about last night. It's quiet the tale, really.
Last night, things started off well enough. Dan came home from work, and we talked. After a while, I talked to James. That's when things started to change. When I started asking him if he wanted anything from me like a picture or a drawing from me, he said that he threw that little collection of his out the window. Apparently, he found someone better over there. I kind of knew that was going to happen if I was stuck here too long, but I was still hurt by it. When I get hurt, I just can't think. This time was different, however. After I was told this, I conciously asked to talk to Andrew. However, as a result of my actions which I learned later, it would appear that I dropped James like a lead balloon. That makes mistake number what with him? I don't know because I've lost count. When I started talking to Andrew, I couldn't really figure out how to talk about the things I wanted to. What came out was actually some kind of pathetic plea for him to help me because I couldn't help myself. That was the spark that started a fire. Andrew, in his hard-ass way, started to do what he and Dan do best. Verbally kick my ass. The conversation transended from online to over the phone. While we were talking about why I am like I am and what the deal is with why I'm still here pushing on 20, I couldn't find the words. If there was a recording of the conversation, you'd hear me stuttering and stumbling for words. I know what I wanted to say sometimes, but the words didn't come out. The other times I just couldn't figure out what to say. In the end, however, I learned something that I've always known. I need someone to push me like Andrew, because only he and Dan can. I also learned just how pathetic I really am. How I can't do anything for myself without being told like I have to do it. Upsetting, isn't it? The cool part is the fact that Andrew said that he still loves me and everything between me is cool. He has an understanding of me, but he wants me to be something better. I want to be something better too. I want to be just like him. All ballsy, not giving a fuck, out there. At one point in the conversation, I said that. I also said that I believe that if I could somehow get to meet them and stay with them long enough that maybe, just maybe, that will rub off on me and I'll come out of my pathetic state. Russ did. So why can't I? It's like what Dan said. I'm different. Unique. After a while, Dan popped on the phone. He explained to me about how he has his doubts with me. The deal was and still is that when he feels that I'm ready, I can meet the rest of the gang. The thing is, he doesn't think I'm ready or that I'll ever be ready. I have too many issues, too many emotional bags on me. Before I can even get to be in the same house of as them, Dan needs to be assured that I am mentally sound. He would like it if I got some kind of help before going up back to Seattle to meet the guys. Now, let me say that I was no surprised that he said that. I've know it for a long time. I know I need help. The thing is, I thought I found it with how Dan pushes me and gives me a verbal smackdown making sure that tomorrow is do-or-die time. He does it more effectively than the nagging and getting on my ass and annoying me that I get here. Apparently, that's not the help I need. The conversation then went back and forth between this and how much a loser I am for being stuck here because I can't do anything for myself. So what do we do with Zeek? was the theme of the night. What would happen if this were to happen? What would I do if this happened? What would I do if I fucked up again and got sent back home? It became another do-or-die time! I haven't had that since last Thanksgiving! That was when I was told what I needed to do for myself. That was when I was given my orders, so to speak.
The original plan was to hound my mother about her promise that if I were to apply, I'd get a computer. Just get on their case about it like they got on my case. That later changed to get out there and get a job because, well, with James obviously with someone new, I have nothing else left to lose. Today I was suppose to clean up, make myself look nice, and then find a job to better off myself. Night, day, gas station, supermarket, mall, fast-foot chain, whatever. Just get out there and get one! Now, priority one in the plan is this. If I am to ever get a chance to meet with the people I so desprately want to meet, if I am to even get a shot ad trying to bask in their light and be influanced by them and by the way they act, if I am ever going to get what I want deep down in the very heart of my soul, I need to have in writing a medical release saying that I am of sound mind. That would make Dan alot more comfortable with me. If I cannot get that, then at the least another (and hopefully better) theropist. Being under a doctor's care would do the same for Dan what the medical release would do. If it is better or worst, I can't really tell. All that I know is that if I can't get one or the other, I'm fucked! I'll have to stay down here, not get the ass kicking that I need to do anything in life, and become even more pathetic.
Actually, now that I think about it, who said that I only had to do one of those things?
Last night, things started off well enough. Dan came home from work, and we talked. After a while, I talked to James. That's when things started to change. When I started asking him if he wanted anything from me like a picture or a drawing from me, he said that he threw that little collection of his out the window. Apparently, he found someone better over there. I kind of knew that was going to happen if I was stuck here too long, but I was still hurt by it. When I get hurt, I just can't think. This time was different, however. After I was told this, I conciously asked to talk to Andrew. However, as a result of my actions which I learned later, it would appear that I dropped James like a lead balloon. That makes mistake number what with him? I don't know because I've lost count. When I started talking to Andrew, I couldn't really figure out how to talk about the things I wanted to. What came out was actually some kind of pathetic plea for him to help me because I couldn't help myself. That was the spark that started a fire. Andrew, in his hard-ass way, started to do what he and Dan do best. Verbally kick my ass. The conversation transended from online to over the phone. While we were talking about why I am like I am and what the deal is with why I'm still here pushing on 20, I couldn't find the words. If there was a recording of the conversation, you'd hear me stuttering and stumbling for words. I know what I wanted to say sometimes, but the words didn't come out. The other times I just couldn't figure out what to say. In the end, however, I learned something that I've always known. I need someone to push me like Andrew, because only he and Dan can. I also learned just how pathetic I really am. How I can't do anything for myself without being told like I have to do it. Upsetting, isn't it? The cool part is the fact that Andrew said that he still loves me and everything between me is cool. He has an understanding of me, but he wants me to be something better. I want to be something better too. I want to be just like him. All ballsy, not giving a fuck, out there. At one point in the conversation, I said that. I also said that I believe that if I could somehow get to meet them and stay with them long enough that maybe, just maybe, that will rub off on me and I'll come out of my pathetic state. Russ did. So why can't I? It's like what Dan said. I'm different. Unique. After a while, Dan popped on the phone. He explained to me about how he has his doubts with me. The deal was and still is that when he feels that I'm ready, I can meet the rest of the gang. The thing is, he doesn't think I'm ready or that I'll ever be ready. I have too many issues, too many emotional bags on me. Before I can even get to be in the same house of as them, Dan needs to be assured that I am mentally sound. He would like it if I got some kind of help before going up back to Seattle to meet the guys. Now, let me say that I was no surprised that he said that. I've know it for a long time. I know I need help. The thing is, I thought I found it with how Dan pushes me and gives me a verbal smackdown making sure that tomorrow is do-or-die time. He does it more effectively than the nagging and getting on my ass and annoying me that I get here. Apparently, that's not the help I need. The conversation then went back and forth between this and how much a loser I am for being stuck here because I can't do anything for myself. So what do we do with Zeek? was the theme of the night. What would happen if this were to happen? What would I do if this happened? What would I do if I fucked up again and got sent back home? It became another do-or-die time! I haven't had that since last Thanksgiving! That was when I was told what I needed to do for myself. That was when I was given my orders, so to speak.
The original plan was to hound my mother about her promise that if I were to apply, I'd get a computer. Just get on their case about it like they got on my case. That later changed to get out there and get a job because, well, with James obviously with someone new, I have nothing else left to lose. Today I was suppose to clean up, make myself look nice, and then find a job to better off myself. Night, day, gas station, supermarket, mall, fast-foot chain, whatever. Just get out there and get one! Now, priority one in the plan is this. If I am to ever get a chance to meet with the people I so desprately want to meet, if I am to even get a shot ad trying to bask in their light and be influanced by them and by the way they act, if I am ever going to get what I want deep down in the very heart of my soul, I need to have in writing a medical release saying that I am of sound mind. That would make Dan alot more comfortable with me. If I cannot get that, then at the least another (and hopefully better) theropist. Being under a doctor's care would do the same for Dan what the medical release would do. If it is better or worst, I can't really tell. All that I know is that if I can't get one or the other, I'm fucked! I'll have to stay down here, not get the ass kicking that I need to do anything in life, and become even more pathetic.
Actually, now that I think about it, who said that I only had to do one of those things?
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
Today's been awful. I feel like crap. All I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep.
You know, it's really funny how life is going for me. A big joke. I was happier when i didn't know things. Now that I know too much, it makes me wonder. Just what exactly am I going to do?
I know now that my big uber dream about having a perfect life and being happy all the time will never happen. I'll never find that special someone. I will never be able to do what it is I love. I will never be happy.
Why?
Because the world is a dark and cruel place. Parents, friends, people you trust. It seems that no matter what I do, no matter how much I bow down to them, I still cannot get what I want. Call me greedy if you want, but all I really care about is just trying to get and capturing that which gives me great joy.
And I can't do it.
I was thinking about Andrew today. I was thinking about what he said about being friends for life and helping out each other. At one point today, I was daydreaming about how he would just appear sitting there at the end of my bed laughing at me when I woke up. He would say something dorky like he always did like "So Sleeping Beauty is finally up, huh?" Something of that nature that would make me want to kick him with a smile so he knew that I really didn't mean any offence by it. It sucks. This feeling that I have. I may never ever get a chance to meet him.
I really wish somone on the other side would just grow some balls and come down here themselves. I've endured so much for them. I've hung in here when times were tough. I tried to make the best of things. And for what? I finally get word that I may be able to meet the guys, but I am at the mercy of Dan. While that isn't really a bad thing, I was hoping that I would be out of here by now! I was hoping that I would be talking to them right now instead of sitting here blogging listening to my mother complain about how no one cooked for her. Why can't they just come down here? I don't see why they can't. I mean, they can just go anywhere they want to! They could come here and be able to check into any hotel and still be able to meet me! But do they? No! Why? Security? Because there is nothing to do in this town that hasn't already been done? Because it's not big enough?! As much as I hate this town, I can still see some of it's good points. And even if those good points aren't enough to warrent even their attention, there's still one person down here that I know they want to see and meet. Me.
I am so mixed up. I don't know what to think anymore. I wish I had not know the things I know. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant again. I was happier when I was stupid and unaware. Knowledge may be power, but it is also a burdon.
I don't know. I'm just ranting my head off over stuff that I know I'll regrete greately about later.
I wish that Josh guy I met so-many-weeks ago would just call and leave a message. Maybe if I hung around him some of his characteristics would rub off on me and I could be able to enjoy life like he does.
I hate this. This whole cosmic law that I have been cursed with. I can't have a good day without something bad happening to end it. I can't have a good week without something bad happening the following week. I should change my name to Ying Yang! This whole Light-Dark thing is getting on my nerves. I just want to be happy! I just want to have unadulterated bliss that would rival that of heaven! The only way I'd ever get that kind of happiness now is if I died and went to the the floating island of Mandango where there is no boredom, no one gets jelous, and everyone has sex all day. Now if only a placed like that exisited.
I really really REALLY REALLY need a friend right now. Someone that would make me feel better instead of bringing me down all the time. Someone that knows how to have a good time. Someone fun. Someone that has alot of patience and can deal with me and understand me and not run away.
I need Andrew.
You know, it's really funny how life is going for me. A big joke. I was happier when i didn't know things. Now that I know too much, it makes me wonder. Just what exactly am I going to do?
I know now that my big uber dream about having a perfect life and being happy all the time will never happen. I'll never find that special someone. I will never be able to do what it is I love. I will never be happy.
Why?
Because the world is a dark and cruel place. Parents, friends, people you trust. It seems that no matter what I do, no matter how much I bow down to them, I still cannot get what I want. Call me greedy if you want, but all I really care about is just trying to get and capturing that which gives me great joy.
And I can't do it.
I was thinking about Andrew today. I was thinking about what he said about being friends for life and helping out each other. At one point today, I was daydreaming about how he would just appear sitting there at the end of my bed laughing at me when I woke up. He would say something dorky like he always did like "So Sleeping Beauty is finally up, huh?" Something of that nature that would make me want to kick him with a smile so he knew that I really didn't mean any offence by it. It sucks. This feeling that I have. I may never ever get a chance to meet him.
I really wish somone on the other side would just grow some balls and come down here themselves. I've endured so much for them. I've hung in here when times were tough. I tried to make the best of things. And for what? I finally get word that I may be able to meet the guys, but I am at the mercy of Dan. While that isn't really a bad thing, I was hoping that I would be out of here by now! I was hoping that I would be talking to them right now instead of sitting here blogging listening to my mother complain about how no one cooked for her. Why can't they just come down here? I don't see why they can't. I mean, they can just go anywhere they want to! They could come here and be able to check into any hotel and still be able to meet me! But do they? No! Why? Security? Because there is nothing to do in this town that hasn't already been done? Because it's not big enough?! As much as I hate this town, I can still see some of it's good points. And even if those good points aren't enough to warrent even their attention, there's still one person down here that I know they want to see and meet. Me.
I am so mixed up. I don't know what to think anymore. I wish I had not know the things I know. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant again. I was happier when I was stupid and unaware. Knowledge may be power, but it is also a burdon.
I don't know. I'm just ranting my head off over stuff that I know I'll regrete greately about later.
I wish that Josh guy I met so-many-weeks ago would just call and leave a message. Maybe if I hung around him some of his characteristics would rub off on me and I could be able to enjoy life like he does.
I hate this. This whole cosmic law that I have been cursed with. I can't have a good day without something bad happening to end it. I can't have a good week without something bad happening the following week. I should change my name to Ying Yang! This whole Light-Dark thing is getting on my nerves. I just want to be happy! I just want to have unadulterated bliss that would rival that of heaven! The only way I'd ever get that kind of happiness now is if I died and went to the the floating island of Mandango where there is no boredom, no one gets jelous, and everyone has sex all day. Now if only a placed like that exisited.
I really really REALLY REALLY need a friend right now. Someone that would make me feel better instead of bringing me down all the time. Someone that knows how to have a good time. Someone fun. Someone that has alot of patience and can deal with me and understand me and not run away.
I need Andrew.
Last night, I learned the true meaning of being blissfully ignorant.
The thing is, I was happy at the fact that I finally got my parents off my back about applying since I went and did the essay and everything else that is involved with it. However, Russ said that maybe now they will try to get me on the ball and actually doing something. That means no more IMs, no more blogs, no more anything I like to do! That translates to me as no more friends, no more social life (albeit a dull one), no more fun! Russ told me this because as friend, he doesn't want to see me be the happy little lamb off to the slauther house! He and Dan and everyone else want to keep me sharp.
And I was having such a good day yesterday!!! I guess that cosmic law still works. When I am having a good day, it will always end bad.
The thing is, I was happy at the fact that I finally got my parents off my back about applying since I went and did the essay and everything else that is involved with it. However, Russ said that maybe now they will try to get me on the ball and actually doing something. That means no more IMs, no more blogs, no more anything I like to do! That translates to me as no more friends, no more social life (albeit a dull one), no more fun! Russ told me this because as friend, he doesn't want to see me be the happy little lamb off to the slauther house! He and Dan and everyone else want to keep me sharp.
And I was having such a good day yesterday!!! I guess that cosmic law still works. When I am having a good day, it will always end bad.
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
I talked to Dan last night about getting out of here. I can't stand the pressure of having my parents constantly telling me to apply when I don't want to right now. Dan, in his little way, convinced me to just go ahead. If I do get accepted, it would be less paperwork later, or something to that affect. That was probibly the only shining moment last night on IMs. Every other thing I said last night came out stupid. I wasn't really all that up to talking and fought back alot of my demons.
Today, I woke up hungry, but I didn't eat. I went straight to the laptop and worked on the damned admissions essay. The site that I found earlier had died, so I was in the dark when writing it. The only thing I remember from that tip page was to take a rest after writing it and then reread it when you wake up. It helped some, but not much. Still, given all the blogs I have put into this thing, It was better than my half-assed on to DigiPen. The only things left now is to get my referances, the date of my ACT testing as well as my score, and the grades on my transcript. The $35 can come from my mother.
Also, for all those so-to-be college students out there that want to apply for finacial aid but don't already have a scholorship to the school you want to go to? Don't apply for finacial aid until you are accepted. If you do apply prematurely, you'll look like you're full of shit.
Today, I woke up hungry, but I didn't eat. I went straight to the laptop and worked on the damned admissions essay. The site that I found earlier had died, so I was in the dark when writing it. The only thing I remember from that tip page was to take a rest after writing it and then reread it when you wake up. It helped some, but not much. Still, given all the blogs I have put into this thing, It was better than my half-assed on to DigiPen. The only things left now is to get my referances, the date of my ACT testing as well as my score, and the grades on my transcript. The $35 can come from my mother.
Also, for all those so-to-be college students out there that want to apply for finacial aid but don't already have a scholorship to the school you want to go to? Don't apply for finacial aid until you are accepted. If you do apply prematurely, you'll look like you're full of shit.
Monday, March 24, 2003
I want this and all of its accessories! Okay, maybe not ALL of them, but at the least the AC Adapter so I don't have to sap the rechargable batteries when I'm at home. I also have an odd feeling that may be the only way to recharge the batteries knowing Nintendo.
I have got to find a better way to sleep. For some reason, I keep injuring myself whenever I sleep. I think I move in my sleep when I dream or something. Either that, or my bed has lost its fluff. Oh well, it's nothing that's bad. Just the minor cramps that are caused by sleeping weird.
Speacking of weird, I got to talk to last night possibly the smartest 13-year-old I have ever had the pleasure to come across. And, man, did I burn. The guy is just too smart for me! Way too smart. He-makes-me-feel-dumb smart, you know? And James wants me to help him be a normal boy because I was able to get along so well with Sam and Bill?? Because I'm so good with kids? What is he talking about?! He's the one that's making all the balloon animals! I just play Pokemon. I don't know, maybe because I play a game with a target audiance of 6+ years old (I'm not kidding! Look at the appropriate age range on any description of Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire!) I have some kind of advantage. Or maybe it's because I like Disney so much that I feel a few years younger whenever I step in the park or watch their movies.
Maybe I can do a better job in person.
Speacking of weird, I got to talk to last night possibly the smartest 13-year-old I have ever had the pleasure to come across. And, man, did I burn. The guy is just too smart for me! Way too smart. He-makes-me-feel-dumb smart, you know? And James wants me to help him be a normal boy because I was able to get along so well with Sam and Bill?? Because I'm so good with kids? What is he talking about?! He's the one that's making all the balloon animals! I just play Pokemon. I don't know, maybe because I play a game with a target audiance of 6+ years old (I'm not kidding! Look at the appropriate age range on any description of Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire!) I have some kind of advantage. Or maybe it's because I like Disney so much that I feel a few years younger whenever I step in the park or watch their movies.
Maybe I can do a better job in person.
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Today was a nice trip down memory lane. A psudo-escape. Why? Cause I went to OpryMills (or, as my sister calls it, ShOpryland)!
Seeing how it's been ages since we last went, I went around the different parts to see what's still around and what left and what relocated. Not much has changed.
For old time sakes, I went to Jillian's and dropped five bucks into their game machines. Now, my once empty card has 120 points left. After playing DDR and not getting any kind of crowd, I walked back to the food court. On the way, I did some math. Well, what I was trying to figure out was how much I got ripped off. Hey, I know Jillian's Game Room is nothing but a big rip off! But, damn, they got great foot traffic. So in my mind, I found out that since every dollar I used gave me 600 game points, that would mean for every penny I would get about 6 point. Having 120 points left, that would mean that I would have really 20 cents since I would have to divide the 120 by 6 to find out how much money I would have left. So, since I dropped five bucks in, I technically spent the equivalent to $4.80 at their arcade. I only played DDR three times, since the max I could play it was three times on five bucks. So divided that up and the game was worth $1.60 a pop!! The one at Tilt is only 75 cents a play! To make sure my math was right, I multiplied the amount spent per play by 6 since that is the number of game points per penny. The number ended up being 960, the number of points you need to have on your card to play! And the idiot behind the counter said that there is no way to find out how much how many points I can get from change.
Problem: 5.00-x=y/3=z
Check: z*a=b*100=960
Given: 120/a=d*0.01=x; a=600/100
120/6=20*0.01=0.20=x
5.00-0.20=4.80/3=1.60=z
1.60*6=9.60*100=960
So, even though I was grilling my brain with that lovely equation, I was bored when I arrived at the food court an hour before I was suppose to. So, being bored, I decided to people watch. Hey, it's an interesting past time of mine. So I watched and observed what was going on around me.
Apparently someone was recording a demo on the Make-your-own-CD booth. How could I tell? Well, the guy that was with the lady was very well dressed and was always on his cell.
Kiosk workers but have the most boring job. The one at the Zoomcopters (a boomerange-like helicopter that you lauch from a pull-string launcher) was so bored that he let passing kids try their hand making the toys come back around. The one selling New York style sunglasses was checking for zits one moment and then playing a GBA game the next! Both had looks of boredom that were screaming that they want to just go home.
A bunch of teenie boppers apparently decided to make the Centripicle Force Coin Well (you know the kind, the one where they ask what coin rolls faster down the well to make you drop your loose change into it?) a meeting place. I have never seen such a collection of pink tops, pastel-colored shopping bags, and hot air in one location since the Balloon Fair in Oregon. For those of you that don't know what I"m talking about, it's kind of like a fair with food, cheap goods, and hot-air balloons.
Three Asian girls walked by, two in hats. All three could look like my sister.
When I was about to fall asleep, my chair was kicked by my sister who was out looking for a prom date with her friend. While she was talking about how she failed in her quest, the Kiosk guy at the sunglasses stand took a break for lunch. He walked by our table we were sitting at and nodded at me! Not my cute-as-a-button sister. Me! What was that about? Now, I'm not complaining. They guy was cute in that tall and lankey prep kind of way. I'm just surprized that it happened. As my sister's conversation with me went on, she became distracted with the fact that the guy sat at the table next to us and had steak fries. I think it was more the steak fries, because my sister wanted to go over there and mooch some off. Oddly enough, the guy was looking our way every so often. Interesting, huh?
However, that didn't make my day. You want to know what made it? Well, Monday I wrote and submitted an article about the Adventure Generator that Neopets has up. I got into this weeks issue by Wednesday. What made my day is that when the issue went public, my article was on the front page of the Neopian Times. Who knew I was front page material?
Seeing how it's been ages since we last went, I went around the different parts to see what's still around and what left and what relocated. Not much has changed.
For old time sakes, I went to Jillian's and dropped five bucks into their game machines. Now, my once empty card has 120 points left. After playing DDR and not getting any kind of crowd, I walked back to the food court. On the way, I did some math. Well, what I was trying to figure out was how much I got ripped off. Hey, I know Jillian's Game Room is nothing but a big rip off! But, damn, they got great foot traffic. So in my mind, I found out that since every dollar I used gave me 600 game points, that would mean for every penny I would get about 6 point. Having 120 points left, that would mean that I would have really 20 cents since I would have to divide the 120 by 6 to find out how much money I would have left. So, since I dropped five bucks in, I technically spent the equivalent to $4.80 at their arcade. I only played DDR three times, since the max I could play it was three times on five bucks. So divided that up and the game was worth $1.60 a pop!! The one at Tilt is only 75 cents a play! To make sure my math was right, I multiplied the amount spent per play by 6 since that is the number of game points per penny. The number ended up being 960, the number of points you need to have on your card to play! And the idiot behind the counter said that there is no way to find out how much how many points I can get from change.
Problem: 5.00-x=y/3=z
Check: z*a=b*100=960
Given: 120/a=d*0.01=x; a=600/100
120/6=20*0.01=0.20=x
5.00-0.20=4.80/3=1.60=z
1.60*6=9.60*100=960
So, even though I was grilling my brain with that lovely equation, I was bored when I arrived at the food court an hour before I was suppose to. So, being bored, I decided to people watch. Hey, it's an interesting past time of mine. So I watched and observed what was going on around me.
Apparently someone was recording a demo on the Make-your-own-CD booth. How could I tell? Well, the guy that was with the lady was very well dressed and was always on his cell.
Kiosk workers but have the most boring job. The one at the Zoomcopters (a boomerange-like helicopter that you lauch from a pull-string launcher) was so bored that he let passing kids try their hand making the toys come back around. The one selling New York style sunglasses was checking for zits one moment and then playing a GBA game the next! Both had looks of boredom that were screaming that they want to just go home.
A bunch of teenie boppers apparently decided to make the Centripicle Force Coin Well (you know the kind, the one where they ask what coin rolls faster down the well to make you drop your loose change into it?) a meeting place. I have never seen such a collection of pink tops, pastel-colored shopping bags, and hot air in one location since the Balloon Fair in Oregon. For those of you that don't know what I"m talking about, it's kind of like a fair with food, cheap goods, and hot-air balloons.
Three Asian girls walked by, two in hats. All three could look like my sister.
When I was about to fall asleep, my chair was kicked by my sister who was out looking for a prom date with her friend. While she was talking about how she failed in her quest, the Kiosk guy at the sunglasses stand took a break for lunch. He walked by our table we were sitting at and nodded at me! Not my cute-as-a-button sister. Me! What was that about? Now, I'm not complaining. They guy was cute in that tall and lankey prep kind of way. I'm just surprized that it happened. As my sister's conversation with me went on, she became distracted with the fact that the guy sat at the table next to us and had steak fries. I think it was more the steak fries, because my sister wanted to go over there and mooch some off. Oddly enough, the guy was looking our way every so often. Interesting, huh?
However, that didn't make my day. You want to know what made it? Well, Monday I wrote and submitted an article about the Adventure Generator that Neopets has up. I got into this weeks issue by Wednesday. What made my day is that when the issue went public, my article was on the front page of the Neopian Times. Who knew I was front page material?
Saturday, March 22, 2003
Okay, life update.
For some stupid reason, this war is like a car wreck. I can't take my eyes off it! Why? How the hell should I know!? All I want is for it to end.
It turns out that James's new love interest was a compleate butthead. Accroding to "the moose" himself, he left the butthead with barely any words to get him to stay. In short, nothing happened. God still loves me, I see. Okay, God loves everyone, but that's not the point. I feel good at the fact that I still have a shot with James when I meet him.
Speeking of meeting James, I really can't wait till I get out of here and over there. Dan said that he'd give me a date soon so I can start packing up my stuff and get ready to head out. I'm only bringing my duffle bag. While it may be big, it's the only thing I have that will fit most of my clothes.... although I have this odd feeling like I'm going to end up getting a new set of clothes when I get there. In any event, with my current taste in fashion that it is, it would be a welcome change even if all the guys did was hand me whatever it was they don't wear anymore.
All and all, I just want to get over there and away from here!
Mom and Dad are still on my butt as usual about admissions. I really didn't want to talk to the Finacial Aids lady, but they did. In their mind, I bet they are thinking that she's head of admissions or something like that. I really wish I could tell them that now is not the time given what is going on, but my "other life" is something that I can't talk to them about. It's not that it's not allowed. It's just really hard to tell them these things I blog about without them acting like they don't give a fuck or if they even have a clue as to what I mean. All they care about is me getting into college. All I want to do is meet up with the guys, my first really close friends in a long time.
I'm so hard-headed it's not funny. A true Aries Ram if there ever was one. A major butt-head.
On the pluse side, whenever I have something I want so badly I can't think of anything else but it, I don't let up until I know I am defeated. Oh wait, that's a bad thing, isn't it?
I don't know. I just wish my parents were easier to talk to instead of feeling so distant. I also wish they would just quit pushing me like their constant annoying will work on me. I want to do things on my own time and do what I want to do with my own priorities set my own way. Priority number one right now is the guys and hopefully getting up there.
My birthday is about 9 days away. Maybe if I'm lucky, I will be able to celebrate it with my friends that know me better than I know myself than with a family that barely knows my diet and thinks all I do is play video games all day.
For some stupid reason, this war is like a car wreck. I can't take my eyes off it! Why? How the hell should I know!? All I want is for it to end.
It turns out that James's new love interest was a compleate butthead. Accroding to "the moose" himself, he left the butthead with barely any words to get him to stay. In short, nothing happened. God still loves me, I see. Okay, God loves everyone, but that's not the point. I feel good at the fact that I still have a shot with James when I meet him.
Speeking of meeting James, I really can't wait till I get out of here and over there. Dan said that he'd give me a date soon so I can start packing up my stuff and get ready to head out. I'm only bringing my duffle bag. While it may be big, it's the only thing I have that will fit most of my clothes.... although I have this odd feeling like I'm going to end up getting a new set of clothes when I get there. In any event, with my current taste in fashion that it is, it would be a welcome change even if all the guys did was hand me whatever it was they don't wear anymore.
All and all, I just want to get over there and away from here!
Mom and Dad are still on my butt as usual about admissions. I really didn't want to talk to the Finacial Aids lady, but they did. In their mind, I bet they are thinking that she's head of admissions or something like that. I really wish I could tell them that now is not the time given what is going on, but my "other life" is something that I can't talk to them about. It's not that it's not allowed. It's just really hard to tell them these things I blog about without them acting like they don't give a fuck or if they even have a clue as to what I mean. All they care about is me getting into college. All I want to do is meet up with the guys, my first really close friends in a long time.
I'm so hard-headed it's not funny. A true Aries Ram if there ever was one. A major butt-head.
On the pluse side, whenever I have something I want so badly I can't think of anything else but it, I don't let up until I know I am defeated. Oh wait, that's a bad thing, isn't it?
I don't know. I just wish my parents were easier to talk to instead of feeling so distant. I also wish they would just quit pushing me like their constant annoying will work on me. I want to do things on my own time and do what I want to do with my own priorities set my own way. Priority number one right now is the guys and hopefully getting up there.
My birthday is about 9 days away. Maybe if I'm lucky, I will be able to celebrate it with my friends that know me better than I know myself than with a family that barely knows my diet and thinks all I do is play video games all day.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
I haven't really blogged anything long as of late, and since my emotions are in a bit of a spin cycle, I might as well.
It looks like war is upon us. I don't like wars. I don't really care much for fighting anyways. Call me a wuss. Call me weak. Call be whatever you want. I just feel there are other ways to deal with things other than going at it with fists balled and guns a-blazing. I will say this, however. If this is the only option left, so be it. I don't like not having a choice, but even one option is better than none.
Still, my biggest fear is that the draft will be reinstated. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, I'm as good as dead. Sure, there is that chance that I'll end up failing the physical or even the pyschological tests, but if things get desprate? I can't fight! It would take a long time for me to even get into fighting shape with army training or whatever.
Okay, okay, I'll admit it. I'm weak. So what? There isn't anything bad about being weak....
... is there?
Now that I got all this war talk out of my system, there's another matter that's bothering me just as much. James.
I really screwed things up with him. I know I did. I'm so maniplative. What ended up happening (because I'm not sure if I blogged it or not) is that Bill got inside my head. Andrew's relationship didn't work out, and he was taking it really hard. Like the good friend I am, I was there and will continue to always be there for him whenever he needs someone to cry on. Bill thought, in his good nature, that maybe he and I should be boyfriends again. It almost worked. I say almost because one night Andrew called me and cleared things up. He help me see that my heart is with someone else. James. He said that he and I would be buddies for life, which is really cool in my book. I finally have a really nice life long friend, and I couldn't have such a better guy than Andrew. He also said that he'd help me out any way he can. Knowing him, that means alot! So how did he help me? He told me to go ahead and contact James right away. I did so and got to talk to him the following day. The thing is, it went sour fast. James appears to have a new interest. Knowing my luck, it someone perfect. Someone I can't compeate with. But that's not what's bothering me about James. He said something to me that made me confuse and rethink what I've been told. He said that neither one of us was commited to each other ever. He said that he could look around just like how I can. Yeah, right, in this city? I have about as much chance of finding my type here as I do as finding a car on my own that I like and want to drive. He is in Gay Mecca, and has a luxury that I don't. Envy boiled to the surface, and i just totally blew him off. Wrong thing to do, Zeek. Still, how could he say that?! He was never commited to me, but he sure acted like he was. Dan says that he has all my pictures in his room. Kevin let me in on a secret about a little nickname he's given me. Andrew also said that he really loves be, but doesn't want to say it! He had Bill hack into James's laptop only to find him looking at pictures of me! ME!! If he was never commited to me, he sure was obcessed with me. So how could he just stop? I know the answer to that. I messed up going to Andrew after Bill's brainwashing. I hurt him more than I will ever know, and the way he's dealing with it is that he's going off to meet up with another cute face that he can, this time, meet in person.
I suck at the game of love. Whoever wrote the book of love, I need the cliff-notes.... BADLY!
Remember how a few weeks ago I walked to the mall and met this really cool guy named Josh and how I gave him my number? Well, I wasn't expecting him to call, and I was right. So why do I bring him up? Well, I was hoping that maybe I could just hang out with him or something. Do whatever he wants to do. I mean, it would be a hell of a lot better than what I have going for me right now. A nice little escape.
So what do I have going for me right now? Well, I still have everyone breathing down my neck about applying for college. I still don't want to do that just yet. I have alot bigger fish to fry right now. Still, with all the recent developments going on in my "other life," maybe I should. I want something better than what I have going for me right now. If I have nothing once again, what do I have to lose applying to Watkins? About $35? So? I've lost more than that before. It's called mindless spending and quarter-dropping into DDR. I really have nothing to lose. Actually, I never had anything to lose to begin with.
I hate when I get this way. Ranty and dark. Depressed and stupid. It's because I can't cope. I want that shoulder to cry on. That buddy to put his arm around me and make sure I'm okay.
Oddly enough, I need Andrew now just like he needed me. I need him to help me get my mind off of things just like how I can help him get his mind off of all the bad things in his life.
But I still want my muscle boy James. I want him with all my heart.
I want alot of things. Most of which I'll never get. I'm better off not getting my hopes all that high. I'm better off nothing thinking that I can do anything I want and can get anything I want if I only believe. I've done that before, and it's gotten me nowhere.
I need a way to let go. I need a way to just cut loose from all this. I need a way to be me again. I need a way to find who I am. I need to enjoy life again instead of hating it.
I need help no one can really give me.
It looks like war is upon us. I don't like wars. I don't really care much for fighting anyways. Call me a wuss. Call me weak. Call be whatever you want. I just feel there are other ways to deal with things other than going at it with fists balled and guns a-blazing. I will say this, however. If this is the only option left, so be it. I don't like not having a choice, but even one option is better than none.
Still, my biggest fear is that the draft will be reinstated. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, I'm as good as dead. Sure, there is that chance that I'll end up failing the physical or even the pyschological tests, but if things get desprate? I can't fight! It would take a long time for me to even get into fighting shape with army training or whatever.
Okay, okay, I'll admit it. I'm weak. So what? There isn't anything bad about being weak....
... is there?
Now that I got all this war talk out of my system, there's another matter that's bothering me just as much. James.
I really screwed things up with him. I know I did. I'm so maniplative. What ended up happening (because I'm not sure if I blogged it or not) is that Bill got inside my head. Andrew's relationship didn't work out, and he was taking it really hard. Like the good friend I am, I was there and will continue to always be there for him whenever he needs someone to cry on. Bill thought, in his good nature, that maybe he and I should be boyfriends again. It almost worked. I say almost because one night Andrew called me and cleared things up. He help me see that my heart is with someone else. James. He said that he and I would be buddies for life, which is really cool in my book. I finally have a really nice life long friend, and I couldn't have such a better guy than Andrew. He also said that he'd help me out any way he can. Knowing him, that means alot! So how did he help me? He told me to go ahead and contact James right away. I did so and got to talk to him the following day. The thing is, it went sour fast. James appears to have a new interest. Knowing my luck, it someone perfect. Someone I can't compeate with. But that's not what's bothering me about James. He said something to me that made me confuse and rethink what I've been told. He said that neither one of us was commited to each other ever. He said that he could look around just like how I can. Yeah, right, in this city? I have about as much chance of finding my type here as I do as finding a car on my own that I like and want to drive. He is in Gay Mecca, and has a luxury that I don't. Envy boiled to the surface, and i just totally blew him off. Wrong thing to do, Zeek. Still, how could he say that?! He was never commited to me, but he sure acted like he was. Dan says that he has all my pictures in his room. Kevin let me in on a secret about a little nickname he's given me. Andrew also said that he really loves be, but doesn't want to say it! He had Bill hack into James's laptop only to find him looking at pictures of me! ME!! If he was never commited to me, he sure was obcessed with me. So how could he just stop? I know the answer to that. I messed up going to Andrew after Bill's brainwashing. I hurt him more than I will ever know, and the way he's dealing with it is that he's going off to meet up with another cute face that he can, this time, meet in person.
I suck at the game of love. Whoever wrote the book of love, I need the cliff-notes.... BADLY!
Remember how a few weeks ago I walked to the mall and met this really cool guy named Josh and how I gave him my number? Well, I wasn't expecting him to call, and I was right. So why do I bring him up? Well, I was hoping that maybe I could just hang out with him or something. Do whatever he wants to do. I mean, it would be a hell of a lot better than what I have going for me right now. A nice little escape.
So what do I have going for me right now? Well, I still have everyone breathing down my neck about applying for college. I still don't want to do that just yet. I have alot bigger fish to fry right now. Still, with all the recent developments going on in my "other life," maybe I should. I want something better than what I have going for me right now. If I have nothing once again, what do I have to lose applying to Watkins? About $35? So? I've lost more than that before. It's called mindless spending and quarter-dropping into DDR. I really have nothing to lose. Actually, I never had anything to lose to begin with.
I hate when I get this way. Ranty and dark. Depressed and stupid. It's because I can't cope. I want that shoulder to cry on. That buddy to put his arm around me and make sure I'm okay.
Oddly enough, I need Andrew now just like he needed me. I need him to help me get my mind off of things just like how I can help him get his mind off of all the bad things in his life.
But I still want my muscle boy James. I want him with all my heart.
I want alot of things. Most of which I'll never get. I'm better off not getting my hopes all that high. I'm better off nothing thinking that I can do anything I want and can get anything I want if I only believe. I've done that before, and it's gotten me nowhere.
I need a way to let go. I need a way to just cut loose from all this. I need a way to be me again. I need a way to find who I am. I need to enjoy life again instead of hating it.
I need help no one can really give me.
Monday, March 17, 2003
I had my first ever movie-moment-in-real-life moment.
We went out to dinner. The reason was to trap me, really, to do something I don't want to, but no one got around to doing that. The reason was the TVs were all on CNN. War talk and nothing but. Then the President came on. A silance filled the entire resturant that scared me. The President began to talk and adress the Iraqi people about Sadam and all the other stuff that has been recently going on. It was hard to eat for those long moments. Not because the speach was the main distraction. It was because of the fact that this could be it. This time, it's going to hit home with me. The last Bush and the last war didn't really click. Hell, I didn't even know what was going on at the time! Now I do.
And now I'm scared for my life.
We went out to dinner. The reason was to trap me, really, to do something I don't want to, but no one got around to doing that. The reason was the TVs were all on CNN. War talk and nothing but. Then the President came on. A silance filled the entire resturant that scared me. The President began to talk and adress the Iraqi people about Sadam and all the other stuff that has been recently going on. It was hard to eat for those long moments. Not because the speach was the main distraction. It was because of the fact that this could be it. This time, it's going to hit home with me. The last Bush and the last war didn't really click. Hell, I didn't even know what was going on at the time! Now I do.
And now I'm scared for my life.
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Well, after three days of toying with Neopets Adventure Generator, I have created The Mole: Neopia. It was a crazy idea I had. It turns out that all my hard work is paying off. Everyone that plays the game loves it! One person even said that I practically mimiced the show. The funny thing about that is the fact that I've only watched once season of the show!
Still, I feel rather special right now. When the Adventure Spotlight comes out, I'm definately entering.
Still, I feel rather special right now. When the Adventure Spotlight comes out, I'm definately entering.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
You know those Choose-you-own-adventure books that you used to read when you were a child? You know the kind I'm talking about. The kind where you'd have to flip to page 48 if you wanted to know what would happen if this happened or flip to page 55 to take the other path. Well, Neopets has created a game based off of that where you can not only create your own adventure, you can play ones that others created. And strangely enough, I'm rather addicted to it.
Sunday, March 09, 2003
"I will now ask a question that will forever change your life. The question is not 'Are you or are you not going to apply to Watkins School of Art and Design?' No, this question is much easier than that and will answer that and any other question you will have after you answer it. The question is 'Are you passionate, dedicated, do you want to be an artist?'"
Uh, yeah! I've known it my whole life? I look at the world in a different way than most do. I see art in the strangest places. I'm even convinced that I may have discovered a new art form! And this guy, the President of Admissions, is asking me if I'm passionate?!
In case you are wondering, I went to their open house at Watkins more so to get a confirmation on something rather than to take a tour. I got what I wanted to find out rather readily when I asked. I have a feeling that I've made the right choice this time in picking this college to do my art. I actually did something right it seems.
Now if only my mom didn't talk to the damn Finacial Aids woman. I knew that if she talked to her, my mom would be pushing me towards signing up like... oh, NOW!
News flash Mom, I don't want to sign up just yet. I think I may have a chance to save something I lost that's more important than school right now.
Uh, yeah! I've known it my whole life? I look at the world in a different way than most do. I see art in the strangest places. I'm even convinced that I may have discovered a new art form! And this guy, the President of Admissions, is asking me if I'm passionate?!
In case you are wondering, I went to their open house at Watkins more so to get a confirmation on something rather than to take a tour. I got what I wanted to find out rather readily when I asked. I have a feeling that I've made the right choice this time in picking this college to do my art. I actually did something right it seems.
Now if only my mom didn't talk to the damn Finacial Aids woman. I knew that if she talked to her, my mom would be pushing me towards signing up like... oh, NOW!
News flash Mom, I don't want to sign up just yet. I think I may have a chance to save something I lost that's more important than school right now.
Saturday, March 08, 2003
Today was a semi-good day for a walk.
For some reason, I walked to the mall. Two hours of dodging interstate on- and off-ramp traffic among other things. Once there, I made a bee-line to Tilt, the only place with decent AC. There was a new DDR crew over there now. Ken and Holly are no longer there, but I met someone that was just a little bit cooler and really laid back. His name is Josh. That makes two that I've had the pleasure to come across. He's surprisingly very open about his life. He told me things that I wouldn't think you would tell a total stranger. It was kind of comforting and helped me easy up some. He was dressed all goth/punk with the dog collar, black shirt, baggy pants, bandanda. Blond hair, gentle features, nice voice. Too bad he's streight. He's really cool, though. He spotted me two games on DDR out of his own pocket! I tried to give his money back, but he wouldn't take it. I have this weird feeling like I owe him somehow. Who these days just hands money out to people? He said he does that because he doesn't know what will happen between now and going home and you can't take cash to the grave. I wish I had his kind of additude about life.
Just before we went our separate ways, I gave him the URL to my blog and my phone number. I told him that if he has the patiants to read all of this to learn more things about me that you probibly don't want to know. He assured me he has plenty of patients to spare. I hope he can put up with my stupidity that is apparent here.
I then just when around hitting up my normal stores in the mall. Nothing new in Suncoast, but they don't have the fourth DVD of Cowboy Bebop. EB is having a special sale where if you pre-order either Ruby or Shapphire you can get 25% off the new GameBoy Advance SP when it comes out. Toys R Us is selling Yu-Gi-Oh: Forbidden Duels for $30 for the Playstation. After that, I headed home.
Walking those seven miles (Yes, you read that right. I walked 7 miles to and back.) I saw several things that makes me wonder about this city. Some white guy laughed at me because I was walking. A van full of church youths was waving at me like they have never seen a pedestrian before! A car full of black guys were all whooping and hollering because I was able to sprint the intersection at the same speed of their car which was going only 5 miles-an-hour. And countless people cut me off as I try to cross the street because they think they have the right of way!!
So what was the reason for this? To escape. Escape from what? From all that crap that I've gone through. To get away from the other Josh I know and how I totally botched last night up. To find out if I'm even alive or if my life is dead. Okay, so that last one was a bit of an streatch, but I really wanted to know why I'm so stupid.
Josh (the one I met today) said something interesting. He likes it better to talk to people face to face than over the phone. He likes it because he can read people better and find out if they are lying and all that. I've learned that the hard way, I have to agree with him whole-heartedly. Andrew and James can't see me when I get hurt or when I realize that I did something stupid or, more importantly, when I'm happy. That's the one thing that I hate about IMing with the guys for four years. They never really saw my face. The only one that has is Dan.
When I got home, I wasn't greeted the way I was thinking I would be. It turned out that I caused a small panic. Everyone thought I ran away. If I ran away, I would have at least packed some clothes and food and stunk out at night!!! Besides, where would I run away to? And how long would I last? Really. I wish my family knew me better. Still, they have a valid reason. Only my aunt knew what I was doing. Where is another matter. Hell, I didn't even know where I was going! I just started walking and ended up at the mall!! Still, I'm glad that they didn't put my name on an Amber Alert with the cops. That would just make me wonder if they are really my parents or not.
I really need a car.
For some reason, I walked to the mall. Two hours of dodging interstate on- and off-ramp traffic among other things. Once there, I made a bee-line to Tilt, the only place with decent AC. There was a new DDR crew over there now. Ken and Holly are no longer there, but I met someone that was just a little bit cooler and really laid back. His name is Josh. That makes two that I've had the pleasure to come across. He's surprisingly very open about his life. He told me things that I wouldn't think you would tell a total stranger. It was kind of comforting and helped me easy up some. He was dressed all goth/punk with the dog collar, black shirt, baggy pants, bandanda. Blond hair, gentle features, nice voice. Too bad he's streight. He's really cool, though. He spotted me two games on DDR out of his own pocket! I tried to give his money back, but he wouldn't take it. I have this weird feeling like I owe him somehow. Who these days just hands money out to people? He said he does that because he doesn't know what will happen between now and going home and you can't take cash to the grave. I wish I had his kind of additude about life.
Just before we went our separate ways, I gave him the URL to my blog and my phone number. I told him that if he has the patiants to read all of this to learn more things about me that you probibly don't want to know. He assured me he has plenty of patients to spare. I hope he can put up with my stupidity that is apparent here.
I then just when around hitting up my normal stores in the mall. Nothing new in Suncoast, but they don't have the fourth DVD of Cowboy Bebop. EB is having a special sale where if you pre-order either Ruby or Shapphire you can get 25% off the new GameBoy Advance SP when it comes out. Toys R Us is selling Yu-Gi-Oh: Forbidden Duels for $30 for the Playstation. After that, I headed home.
Walking those seven miles (Yes, you read that right. I walked 7 miles to and back.) I saw several things that makes me wonder about this city. Some white guy laughed at me because I was walking. A van full of church youths was waving at me like they have never seen a pedestrian before! A car full of black guys were all whooping and hollering because I was able to sprint the intersection at the same speed of their car which was going only 5 miles-an-hour. And countless people cut me off as I try to cross the street because they think they have the right of way!!
So what was the reason for this? To escape. Escape from what? From all that crap that I've gone through. To get away from the other Josh I know and how I totally botched last night up. To find out if I'm even alive or if my life is dead. Okay, so that last one was a bit of an streatch, but I really wanted to know why I'm so stupid.
Josh (the one I met today) said something interesting. He likes it better to talk to people face to face than over the phone. He likes it because he can read people better and find out if they are lying and all that. I've learned that the hard way, I have to agree with him whole-heartedly. Andrew and James can't see me when I get hurt or when I realize that I did something stupid or, more importantly, when I'm happy. That's the one thing that I hate about IMing with the guys for four years. They never really saw my face. The only one that has is Dan.
When I got home, I wasn't greeted the way I was thinking I would be. It turned out that I caused a small panic. Everyone thought I ran away. If I ran away, I would have at least packed some clothes and food and stunk out at night!!! Besides, where would I run away to? And how long would I last? Really. I wish my family knew me better. Still, they have a valid reason. Only my aunt knew what I was doing. Where is another matter. Hell, I didn't even know where I was going! I just started walking and ended up at the mall!! Still, I'm glad that they didn't put my name on an Amber Alert with the cops. That would just make me wonder if they are really my parents or not.
I really need a car.
I woke up feeling strange again today.
I think the whole "I've had too many disappointments in my life to where I go into everything with the mind-set that I'm going to lose so that it doesn't really bother me" thing is making itself known again. It's as if I knew I was going to screw this up eventually.
I don't know. I'm the worst person to even think about things like this.
Today seems like a good day for a walk.
I think the whole "I've had too many disappointments in my life to where I go into everything with the mind-set that I'm going to lose so that it doesn't really bother me" thing is making itself known again. It's as if I knew I was going to screw this up eventually.
I don't know. I'm the worst person to even think about things like this.
Today seems like a good day for a walk.
I just screwed myself over again. Yes, again.
The evening went pretty much like it always does. Talking about the day, saying this and that about so-and-so, chatting the night away without a care of the world.
Then something odd happened. Josh said that he needed to talk to me. Josh never has needed to talk to me before, so why now? I soon found out.
It seems that Josh wanted to know something. What, I don't know, but in any eveny he found out by the means in which he excels at. When we talked, he said several heartwarming things about family and how he sticks by them through right and wrong. He wanted to talk to me about that. I've been talking for the guys now for at least four years to the point where it's a nightly routine. Josh said (and I quote) "how would you like the oppertunity of a life time" on IMs. Reading it the way I did, I was thinking that he was typing still, so I waited. After about a few minutes, I typed back "what's the offer?" Bad move, Zeek. All I know from this point on is that Josh left saying something about proving his point. I got a verbal tounglashing about how this was suppose to be a no-brainer and that anyone would have said yes at a the drop of hat not waiting for that sentance to end. It was as if I didn't trust Josh, is what the IM boiled down to. I said that it wasn't like that. They didn't buy it. I got a reply back pointing out how Bill and Sam always cap-locks their IMs whenever they are excited. Apparently that was the hint that they didn't believe me. No enthusiasm. No feeling. No whatever that IMs can't give that a human experiance can.
I wish there was a better way of talking with these guys. I really with there was. Maybe then I wouldn't screw myself over so many times. Maybe then I could come off in a good way and make a good impression with Josh and everyone else.
Maybe I'm asking too much again.
If anyone is keeping score as to how many times I've screwed myself over, please let me know. My AIM screen name is XandorII.
The evening went pretty much like it always does. Talking about the day, saying this and that about so-and-so, chatting the night away without a care of the world.
Then something odd happened. Josh said that he needed to talk to me. Josh never has needed to talk to me before, so why now? I soon found out.
It seems that Josh wanted to know something. What, I don't know, but in any eveny he found out by the means in which he excels at. When we talked, he said several heartwarming things about family and how he sticks by them through right and wrong. He wanted to talk to me about that. I've been talking for the guys now for at least four years to the point where it's a nightly routine. Josh said (and I quote) "how would you like the oppertunity of a life time" on IMs. Reading it the way I did, I was thinking that he was typing still, so I waited. After about a few minutes, I typed back "what's the offer?" Bad move, Zeek. All I know from this point on is that Josh left saying something about proving his point. I got a verbal tounglashing about how this was suppose to be a no-brainer and that anyone would have said yes at a the drop of hat not waiting for that sentance to end. It was as if I didn't trust Josh, is what the IM boiled down to. I said that it wasn't like that. They didn't buy it. I got a reply back pointing out how Bill and Sam always cap-locks their IMs whenever they are excited. Apparently that was the hint that they didn't believe me. No enthusiasm. No feeling. No whatever that IMs can't give that a human experiance can.
I wish there was a better way of talking with these guys. I really with there was. Maybe then I wouldn't screw myself over so many times. Maybe then I could come off in a good way and make a good impression with Josh and everyone else.
Maybe I'm asking too much again.
If anyone is keeping score as to how many times I've screwed myself over, please let me know. My AIM screen name is XandorII.
Friday, March 07, 2003
I hate myself today.
For reasons unknown, I went and weighed myself on my aunt bathroom scale. I wasn't happy with the number I saw. I gained four pounds. I got so mad at myself, I blindly charged up DDR and tried my best to get something done. I know, it was stupid. I ended up paying for that stupidity. Good thing is that I knew how to deal with cramps of the DDR kind.
I feel fat now. I have only myself to blame. My diet and daily activities is like that of a Snorlax. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep. My days have been so boring here that I've ended up doing that!
Five-foot-five and one hundred and fifty-four pounds. Even though that is average by medical standards, I feel fat.
For reasons unknown, I went and weighed myself on my aunt bathroom scale. I wasn't happy with the number I saw. I gained four pounds. I got so mad at myself, I blindly charged up DDR and tried my best to get something done. I know, it was stupid. I ended up paying for that stupidity. Good thing is that I knew how to deal with cramps of the DDR kind.
I feel fat now. I have only myself to blame. My diet and daily activities is like that of a Snorlax. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep. My days have been so boring here that I've ended up doing that!
Five-foot-five and one hundred and fifty-four pounds. Even though that is average by medical standards, I feel fat.
Oh my God! Oh my fucking God!!!
I just learned (late as usual) that the official Cowboy Bebop: The Movie site has gone up in preparation for the April 4 release date! Theathers that will be showing it are few and far between, but that's expected with anime in America. You can never find a goo theather that's showing it unless you live in a megalopalis or something of that sort.
Now if only I could view the trailer in a higher quality...
I just learned (late as usual) that the official Cowboy Bebop: The Movie site has gone up in preparation for the April 4 release date! Theathers that will be showing it are few and far between, but that's expected with anime in America. You can never find a goo theather that's showing it unless you live in a megalopalis or something of that sort.
Now if only I could view the trailer in a higher quality...
Thursday, March 06, 2003
I want to sit down and blog something full of feeling right now, but I'm too far out of it to actually do it affectively.
Last night, I was talking to Bill. He started to make me think about things I never would have really thought about. He's good at doing that with just about everyone. He got me to see that Andrew may be the better for me as far as a boyfriend goes. It's strange. He even got James to see that. The whole time I was left stuned with the few exceptions where I would try to show some intelligance only to be shot down.
That night, I started thinking about Andrew and what Bill meant by what he said.
Could I really be destine to be with Andrew?
Last night, I was talking to Bill. He started to make me think about things I never would have really thought about. He's good at doing that with just about everyone. He got me to see that Andrew may be the better for me as far as a boyfriend goes. It's strange. He even got James to see that. The whole time I was left stuned with the few exceptions where I would try to show some intelligance only to be shot down.
That night, I started thinking about Andrew and what Bill meant by what he said.
Could I really be destine to be with Andrew?
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
I had this dream where in my bathroom was this lever called "The Reset Switch." When you pull on it, everyone outside of the bathroom in the world would forget who they are, where they were going, where they live, who they were related to, and the likes. They still kept their general knowledge like what day it is and how to talk and what buildings lead to what, but other than that, they were compleately clueless in an amnisic state.
Note to self: Don't eat 3 boxes of Nerds candy before going to bed. Has weird side effects.
Note to self: Don't eat 3 boxes of Nerds candy before going to bed. Has weird side effects.
Monday, March 03, 2003
From Pokemon Community:
Dear ZeekSlider,
Thank you for registering for the Pokémon Community forums.
Yeah, that's right. I joined another forum. First MouseInfo.com for my Disney obession, and not this for my Pokemon obession.
Dear ZeekSlider,
Thank you for registering for the Pokémon Community forums.
Yeah, that's right. I joined another forum. First MouseInfo.com for my Disney obession, and not this for my Pokemon obession.
