I spent the last 30 minutes staring at James pictures. I started to get so depressed that I even started praying (poorly) to Jesus for a sign of some kind. I don't think he knows how much I'm hurting.

Then again, I don't think Dan knows how much I'm hurting either.

The past few days and torturous nights I've discovered just how much he truely means to me... and how much I took him for granted. I've said it too many times for my own good, but he's like a father to me. More so than my real father. He cares about me. Or at least he did. He was always better at being the dad that I needed to learn things from, to grow and mature. He was also alot more fun. Dan was just something else, something so special I doubt I'll ever find something like him ever again now. His hugs are what I miss the most right now. The moment I would be in his embrace the world would seem just perfect to me. There was no wrong in his arms. Everything felt so safe and secure. And now, I'll never feel like that ever again. With Dan, I always had someone to go to. Someone I always knew I could count on to be there for me. Someone to catch me if I fell, which was quite often. Now, I have nothing.

I've been thinking about James all day and all night, but in reality I'm beating myself up cause of how much Dan really ment to me. Without him, there would be no James! Looking back, I should have replaced every think I ever said about James and added something about Dan in there. My past blogs of the day made it look like I didn't give a damn about Dan. But I do. I really do. I care so much about him that is sends a bullet straight to my heart every time I find out that I messed up with him. I love him so much that I miss him just looking at a cast iron skillet knowing how much he loves to cook. I need him so badly, that right now I'm on the verge of insanity if I'm not there already just missing him and needing him to sign on if only to check mail! I can't stand the fact that he could be out of my life forever! And the worst part is that I caused him to leave! The one person that looked out for me like a father I ended up pissing off and chasing away. The one man in my whole life that made things seem so perfect and right gone forever. It's like losing a part of you, an important part of your soul. Saying that it sucks doesn't even begin to accurately describe it! This torturous feeling, this emptiness, this nothing. It's a feeling I haven't felt since before I can even remember! It must be before I met Dan. I don't remember feeling this bad after I met him. I don't remember feeling this empty before. This cold. I don't even remember being this clueless before. Oh, sure, I've done dumber things, but with Dan around, they didn't seem all that bad. At least with Dan around I had goals and ideas and even hope. Now that he probibly won't give me the time of day, I have none of that. Not even hope.

If I could do it all over again, I'd do it right. I'd not do what I did the last time. I'd actually listen to him. I wouldn't have to even have him pissed off at me because I would have catched the fact that Bill tried and tricked me as if he didn't trust me or believed that I cared about James. He would be pissed off a Bill for doing that. If only I could do it all over again.

Unfortunately, I can't. No one can rewind time and redo everything so everyone is happy. Time keeps going on with your mistakes effecting the future you live. My future used to have a small light of hope at the end of the dark tunnel of dispare and gloom. That light as now been dimed into nothing. There is no light of hope anymore for me. Not without Dan.

Another lesson learned at the School of Hard Knocks. Unfortunately for me, I more than likely learned it too late.

I'm sorry Dan. I love you.