This just in, Andrew is okay.

The pumped out his stomach and now all he needs is rest.

Thank God for the man that invented the Stomach Pump.

I must be going crazy.

I'm hearing tones that no one else hears before I go to sleep. I have dreams about schools and how the scenario that I'm in doesn't play like it would in real life. I am feeling my dreams right down to the hot wax that is poured on my hand when I wake up.

What is wrong with me?

The headache is gone, but the worry is still with me.

It's the not knowing that is stressing me out. Is he dead? Is he okay? Does he need rehab? What happened to him?

All those questions associated with a hospital visit that could end up in death come piling in at insane speeds and none of them can be answered!

Scenario and scenario play out. Some real, some not. Worry becomes paranoia. I can't stand not knowing. I have to know something even if it's bad.

Today has been rough. This is the first real blog that I've done in a while. Yes, that's right, no more blips here and there about this and that just so I don't forget later. This will be an actual blog.

So where to begin?

Last night, things where going like they normally do as far as IMs go. Everyone was doing laundry on their end. Andrew popped on. He was depressed. It turned out that Chris was really using him for cash. Andrew felt shattered into itsy bitsy pieces. So shattered that he went back to how he was a year or so ago. He took his first beer in hope that the pain will go away. After being sober for so long and feeling good about himself... this should have never happened.

According to Russ and James, Andrew ended up puking the beer all over the place. At first it was believed that his system has finally rejected beer if not alcohol altogether. That was before Bill said that Andrew took "something" with his beer. I knew what that "something" was. He took some kind of pill, some kind of drug with it.

At the close of the night, Andrew was hospital bound with Josh and Dan riding in the ambulance. James, Bill, and Russ stayed behind. Russ wasn't allowed to go along, while James and Bill didn't want to see their brother in the state he was in. I wanted to stay up the rest of the night, but since the iMac can't connect to the internet, I had to get off the laptop just in case my mother needed it for work in the morning.

When I woke up, I had the worst headache ever. I still have it. If this is what a hangover feels like, then now I know. I could barely do anything today short of getting up and pissing. It's been hard to concentrait and even harder to think. I feel tired and sleepy just sitting here, and all I've had was water.

Worry. Stress. Fear. A killer of the mind, heart, and emotions. I don't want Andrew to die. Not like this. Not after coming so far and beating the odds. Not after achiving so much.

Looks like I now have a reason to by Pokemon Crystal.... five months too late compared to everyone else.

Oh well, better late than never.

My Pokemon Fandom has revived faster than a reborn Christian at a tent revival. Okay, well, maybe not THAT fast, but fast enough.

The other day I watched the old Christmas gift I got Mewtwo's Return. For those of you that don't know, Mewtwo's Return is the direct-to-video special about what happen to Mewtwo and the clones after the first movie. Of course, it doesn't matter if you saw the first movie or not, because they remind you about the back story anyways.

Anyways, after remembering that the movies were from the dark side of the series unlike the light-hearted show that airs seemingly everyday, I began looking for some deals on the movies. That's when I found this. A three DVD bundle featuring none other than the first three movies. If you scroll down, however, it seems that the DVD for the fourth Pokemon movie is ready for release. It looks like the English version of it too. When was it ever released in theaters?

Oh well, maybe I'll go into the movies some other time. Besides, I only know three out of the four as far as plots go.

I don't know what to believe now.

Okay, so maybe it's nothing, and it more than likely is, but I've had conflicting reports as to how to use what codes for which Pokemon game on the Gameshark. One place is saying that in order to get Mew, I have to sacrifice my first slot Pokemon while another places says I can catch it in the wild.

The only thing I do know is this. I should keep the Gameshark OFF while the game is loading from saved data. After the data is loaded, then I can turn ON the Gameshark. After I've used it for what I want to do, I have to turn is back OFF before saving the game. This is to prevent any kind damage, or worst deletion, of the saved game on the cartrage.

Man, it's learning things like this that make me wish Nintendo knew how to promote their games better giving everyone a chance to get Mew and Celebi.

Okay, now if I ever get a GameShark and a GameBoy Color (which should be cheap used these days), I have to remember about this site so I can "Shark" Celebi out of Gold and/or Silver and this site so I can "Shark" Mew out of Red and/or Blue.

If I ever get around to it, that is.

Remember this site when looking for items in Pokemon GS.

That is, if I ever get around to playing it ever again.

Because I was trained never to cancel an appointment unless I can't get to it for reason uncontrolable by anything I can do, I went to my 13:00 appointment with the director of Watkin's Institute.

I have to say, I'm impressed with how much the place has changed. Yes, I probibly have said that before, but I've never seen seen just how much they really have grown! When I was with them during their Young Artist Program, we had to share rooms. Now, every department have their own wing! They even took advantage as to how dark it can get with the old theater and turned one into a dark room for the Photography Department. They even have their own sound stage for their Film Department compleate with space to build a set similar to those in sit coms. You know, the kind that can fold out like a doll house? I also got a better idea as to what each department is really about. It looks like the Graphic Design department may not be for me. I mean, all they do are posters and CD covers and things of that sort. Fun, yes, but not what I thought. It looks like I'm more of a Fine Arts person that uses the computer alot. Or rather did.

Upon my departure, I was handed a CD-Rom of three of their films from the Film Department. It contained three films that showed the range as to what they offer in that department. Some are script heavy, some aren't. Some are filmed digital, some on film. All done by students. I popped it in on the iMac. It was Quicktime format, and the iMac cound run it better. The films were... well...

The first film looked like one of those that you probibly won't get unless you watch Groundhog's Day. It was one of those where the same scene was played over and over and over with different things happening each time untill they got it right. If they wanted to catch my attention or at least my interest from the get-go, this wasn't the way to do it. At least for me it wasn't.

The second one was the classic Horror Film Noir. I mean, one of those that just scream nostalgia like the original Dracula and Frankenstein. A creepy house, a nice use of the fish-eye lens, and it was in black and white to boot! Very, very good.

The third film was the best. It was obviously filmed digitally, because it was crip, but that's not the reason that is was the best. It was one of those "slice of life" kind of stories. One of those happy films that make you feel good at the end. Great cast, great direction, great filming and presentation. You just have to see if to know what I'm talking about.

Just color me impressed already.

Fraggle Rock DVD Petition

I remember this show. They always had the cutest Muppets. I wonder whatever happened to it.

I think I have found a way to turn back time. Almost.

I got to talk to Dan today. Not over IMs, but over the phone. It was good to hear his voice again. I missed it so much. Needless to say the call wasn't a pleasent one. It wasn't bad or anything. It was good. It was also highly emotional on my end of the line. I cried as I was getting the verbal tounglashing that I so deserved and missed. The kind that makes you want to do better. The kind that only Dan can give me that will get through my thick skull.

Then he did something that I didn't think he'd do. He told me that he wishes sometimes that he could turn back time, like I wish sometimes. He threw out a scenario. One of which I started to cry more. He wishes that he could turn back the clock to where it was just me and him in the appartment, and we could just fix all the mistakes that I've made. You don't know how much that I would love to do that. The best part about this was that he was actually considering it!

After we hung up, I had to write him a confirmation e-mail. While I was doing that, I was talking to Russ who was informing me that Dan was getting things underway. Soon, I would be able to do what I thought could never be done! I would be able to turn back time and fix what it was that I fucked up so royally with. I was going to be like Marty McFly and go back in time.

I really have to thank Bill for this. I owe him big time. He was the one that stood up for me with Dan. And over breakfast, no less. He defended me. I owe him alot for this. I love him alot, and I need to thank him proporly.

Tonight is definately a night I'll hold dear and charish forever.

This banner ad cracks me up every time I see it. If for some reason it doesn't load, the banner is of a male torso that's super BUFF with the words "Get Hard." next to it. It's for some fitness site. Funny, huh?

From AOL Members-Only Area:

AOL Members-Only Area

This area is for AOL members only. AOL.COM is now part of AOL Anywhere, which allows members to access their e-mail, calendar, preferences and much more -- wherever they are whenever they want it.

Although you have a valid Screen Name and password, you are not an AOL member.

Okay, the thing is I AM an AOL member. I tried signing on the iMac and they said they need our credit card number. Since I don't have access to that, I couldn't give it out. As such, we can't log into normal AOL. We as in my sister and myself. Upon telling this information to my mother, the AOL CC# holder, she got so pissed off that she decided to just switch to Comcast Broadband. When my sister found out, she got depressed cause she just e-mailed herself something that she absolutely NEEDS for a report that she may never find again!

It was working fine this morning, but now AOL has really pissed me off.

from boogle.com : google with quotes:

True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.
Socrates

Huh? You mean I'm actually smarter than I thought because I know I know nothing? Who would have thought?

I woke up feeling rather crappy this morning. I was rather shocked that I was able to wake up at 07:00 considering I didn't get to bed untill around 01:00.

Today, I start the long road of healing the wounds that I gave myself.

While I was online doing my normal mail and NeoPets run, I saw that Dan's screen name poped on. I decided to to IM him hoping to talk to him for the first time in a week hopefully on good terms. It turned out that it was actually Andrew that was on. He just compleated a 16 mile run (8 out, 8 back) and was checking mail for Dan. I told him about my morning, but somehow he got me to laugh and feel better about today. He always does that to me, and I really apreciate it. He know just how to make me laugh.

I'm blogging this right now as I'm trying to figure out how to write a good college admissions essay. I did find that one page from a few nights ago, but so far that has been the only thing that has helped.

Maybe I should start on a rough draft.

I might as well publish this.

I talked to Andrew to see if what I thought my dream meant was real. Sure enough, it was. Just like how Andrew wanted to go surfing and not spend time with me like what was originally going to happen in the dream, Andrew clearly said to me that he may not have time to be my friend ever again. He has a life. He's married. He's got so many good things going for him.

I'm really going to miss him a hell of a lot. He was a great friend. Saying good-bye to him is something that I really didn't want to do.

Anyways, like I said before, I've been holding out on publishing my blogs for a while now. The reason is because the blog that used to dawn the homepage of this site was for someone to read. Someone that probibly will never read my blog again. Someone really special to me. Someone really important to me. Someone that I pissed off. Someone that won't forgive me.

So, for all those out there in cyberspace that actually read this piece of shit, if you want to catch up on the stuff that's happend since my last publication, go to the archives! I'm sure you'll find it... stupid. I don't mean I'm calling you stupid. I am merely saying that the past blogs, just like this whole site, is stupid.

Why I keep it? I don't know. I claim it's for my mental health.

Remember this page when you start writing your Admissions Essay, Zeek!

Yes, the side of me that needs to remind me about everything that I'm going to forget.

No, I'm not a skitzoid.

I'm mad now, but not in that way that would get me in trouble. Just irked.

Frediquie is the mole! Erik isn't. Kathy won.

Screw me.

Well, I did it last night.

I said my good-byes to everyone before they had to. I know they won't forgive me. Forgiveness doesn't exisit even for the Christian evangolist that is James. Harsh, but true. That thing that I thought was forgiveness in the world was nothing but a false emotion and a lie. Forgiveness didn't ever exisit.

Besides, it's been a week. If Dan and the others didn't forgive me after three days, I'm as good as dead.

<bgsound src="http://www.whysanity.net/muppets/RAINBOW.MID" controls="smallconsole">

I don't know why, but for some odd reason I started humming to myself The Rainbow Connection from The Muppet Movie. My brain tried as hard as it could to recall all the lyrics only to find out that I never really learned them.

Upon finding them, it took merely the midi that is playing now to get me to well up in tears. A song of what we see and what we think and what some of us really believe. A hopeful song if there ever was one.

The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep? And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Two things. One saddening and the other something learned.

The first thing in this entry a dream I had.

Andrew and I were going to what can only be called a swim park. It's like a skate park, only with pools. He was going to go swiming with me, but somehow I kept getting ranggled into the main pool no matter how much I wanted to be with Andrew. When I was able to get to him, he told me straight out that he would rather surf than swim with me. Fast forward in the dream, litterally. I went into one of those weird power modes and liquifited into this fast moving puddle to escape where I was trapped. I started wondering looking for the surfing pool. I pasted by little kiddie rides and then found my way to the parking lot. Knowing that was wrong, I turned around and entered what was first thought to be a parking garage. It was actually this food court like area with a huge ocean like pool up above with a see-through bottom. I could tell that must be the surfing pool. I looked for a way up, but got lost and ran into a security gaurd. I tried to ask where the surfing pool was, but no matter how hard I tried, he just didn't cooperate. He just assumed I was this juvinile looking for something to trash or something. His female parter on duty seemed to pity me while the jerk was being a bitch.

The second thing is something that I stumbled upon that explains why I play video games.

It seems that TechLIVE did another report on the relationship killing game Everquest. It turns out that the reason some people turn to video games like Everquest, especially in these relationship ruining cases, that there is something extremely wrong in that person's relationship! Something so wrong that it takes away all the happiness and good feeling from it. So they turn to fantasies and games to make them feel better.

I hope these two aren't interconnected, but I think they are.

Russ said that there are no such things as friends since no one really cares about you. Maybe the fact that it's bothering me caused the dream. Andrew was always a good friend to me. Knowing how I am, being cool with it. Hell, maybe he's one of those people that turely care when he says that he cares about me. I'll probibly never know now.

Well, now I figured out why I'm playing Pokemon. The game where you always have a friend at your side and in your pocket.

Another weird wake up today.

I woke up thinking about what Russ and I talked about. It felt uncomfortable about learning this. I huged my pillow to try to make myself feel better.

How is it that no one truely knows what it means to care and to love?

Interesting. Very interesting.

I got into a conversation with Russ about the concept of love and compation.

It turns out that we are all living a lie. No one really loves anyone! No one really cares for anyone! They may say they do, but in reality they don't give a damn about you. They are in it all for themselves. Even the Red Cross is out there not for charity as we may see it. In fact, the sad truth is everyone is really out there for one reason only. Money. Yes, the subject matter I hate to talk about. Bottom line is that no one loves or cares for people because people now care and love money! Those that claim they care most of the time have an alterior motive, mostly personal gain. As a result, they are living a lie. We all are living a lie! So what's the point of charity? Well, the point of charity isn't to give someone that's homeless a bath but to make us feel better about ourselves. We don't really care if the drug addict down the street on the cornor of a dark alley has a bed to sleep in. Hell, we don't even care if the hitchhiker down the road is going the same direction as we are! Why? Cause there is no such thing as love. On top of that, since no one cares, then we truely have no friends. Friends are suppose to be the people that care about you and will be there for you. But guess what? They aren't. They are just there to ride your coat tails in hope that they can exploit you somehow. In fact, they may not even be your friends at all! What do they know about you that would make them friends any how? So since we have no friends, no one to love us or care for us, then do we truely know what love and caring is? Maybe back in the hippie days, but certainly not now. Even the old Christian way of thinking has turned from Forgive and Forget to I'll forget about it if you don't do it again and just tolerate you for now! No one knows how to truely forgive anymore because no one cares and is that toralable! Even an act of God can't save humanity from this! Wars would be fought if there was a famin just over a loaf of bread! No one truely cares or loves anyone!

However, there is a little bit of hope. There are people out there that don't have alterior motives. There are people out there that when they say they care they mean it. There are people out there that when they say that they are your friend they are untill the end no matter how bad you mess up. Unfortunately, there aren't that many people out there that are like that if any at all.

So we are destine to be alone and die a death not knowing what love is.

Humanity is lost.

Well, since I set back up my Nintendo which has only Pokemon games, I began searching for the page that helped figure out what my Time Travel Password is for Gold and Silver. Unlike Animal Crossing where time travel is bad for you game, Pokemon GS doesn't have any major cons as to doing it. They go by day of the week and not by date of the year.

Anywho, I have to remember about this page which explains about the Time Traveling Password in mathimatical detail as well as this page which does all the math for you.

That is, if I make it over to play Pokemon GS anytime soon. I'll explain later.

I love my sister. She can be bitching me out only to end up laughing over it at the end.

I wish I found this page alot sooner now.

I was talking to Russ just awhile ago. Needless to say what the subject matter was about. Also needless to say is how my stupidity got in the way again.

Russ, however, did a great job as to making me thing about myself. He must have learned it from Dan. If not, he' a natural motivator.

Maybe he just knows how to knock some sense into me.

In any event, I asked him if he thinks another e-mail to Dan would help any. He said maybe so, so I started typing. Russ left, more than likely thinking that I bailed on him, while I was typing up a storm. Everything was from the heart. It took me so long to type it, that the worst thing that could happen to an e-mail happened!

When I pressed SEND, it didn't send! It said that I wasn't logged in. I logged in and found that my e-mail was gone! All that typing from the heart, those carefully chosen words, all of it gone!

Knowing that I probibly won't be able to create another one like it with the same feeling and depth and poetic paragraphs, I started another one. I tried my best to cature that same somber and humbling emotion that was in my last one. I presonally don't think I achived that. Hoping for the best, I e-mailed it out. After seeing that it got thought successfully, I immediately e-mailed Russ apologizing for bailing on him. I even forwarded what I typed to Dan to show him why I didn't IM him back for so long.

I really hop things turn out better now.

In an attempt to find some comfort in getting at least one thing that I want, material or otherwise, I found out that my debit card doesn't act like a credit card when I was trying to get myself a copy of Lauderdale Strip. Go figure.

And the downward spiral that is my life continues down, down, down, deep into the dark.

I spent the last 30 minutes staring at James pictures. I started to get so depressed that I even started praying (poorly) to Jesus for a sign of some kind. I don't think he knows how much I'm hurting.

Then again, I don't think Dan knows how much I'm hurting either.

The past few days and torturous nights I've discovered just how much he truely means to me... and how much I took him for granted. I've said it too many times for my own good, but he's like a father to me. More so than my real father. He cares about me. Or at least he did. He was always better at being the dad that I needed to learn things from, to grow and mature. He was also alot more fun. Dan was just something else, something so special I doubt I'll ever find something like him ever again now. His hugs are what I miss the most right now. The moment I would be in his embrace the world would seem just perfect to me. There was no wrong in his arms. Everything felt so safe and secure. And now, I'll never feel like that ever again. With Dan, I always had someone to go to. Someone I always knew I could count on to be there for me. Someone to catch me if I fell, which was quite often. Now, I have nothing.

I've been thinking about James all day and all night, but in reality I'm beating myself up cause of how much Dan really ment to me. Without him, there would be no James! Looking back, I should have replaced every think I ever said about James and added something about Dan in there. My past blogs of the day made it look like I didn't give a damn about Dan. But I do. I really do. I care so much about him that is sends a bullet straight to my heart every time I find out that I messed up with him. I love him so much that I miss him just looking at a cast iron skillet knowing how much he loves to cook. I need him so badly, that right now I'm on the verge of insanity if I'm not there already just missing him and needing him to sign on if only to check mail! I can't stand the fact that he could be out of my life forever! And the worst part is that I caused him to leave! The one person that looked out for me like a father I ended up pissing off and chasing away. The one man in my whole life that made things seem so perfect and right gone forever. It's like losing a part of you, an important part of your soul. Saying that it sucks doesn't even begin to accurately describe it! This torturous feeling, this emptiness, this nothing. It's a feeling I haven't felt since before I can even remember! It must be before I met Dan. I don't remember feeling this bad after I met him. I don't remember feeling this empty before. This cold. I don't even remember being this clueless before. Oh, sure, I've done dumber things, but with Dan around, they didn't seem all that bad. At least with Dan around I had goals and ideas and even hope. Now that he probibly won't give me the time of day, I have none of that. Not even hope.

If I could do it all over again, I'd do it right. I'd not do what I did the last time. I'd actually listen to him. I wouldn't have to even have him pissed off at me because I would have catched the fact that Bill tried and tricked me as if he didn't trust me or believed that I cared about James. He would be pissed off a Bill for doing that. If only I could do it all over again.

Unfortunately, I can't. No one can rewind time and redo everything so everyone is happy. Time keeps going on with your mistakes effecting the future you live. My future used to have a small light of hope at the end of the dark tunnel of dispare and gloom. That light as now been dimed into nothing. There is no light of hope anymore for me. Not without Dan.

Another lesson learned at the School of Hard Knocks. Unfortunately for me, I more than likely learned it too late.

I'm sorry Dan. I love you.

Dan should be home from work by now over there, but he's not on. I guess no one is going to be online tonight.

I would go to sleep, but I can't.

This sucks. Today sucked.

I got tired of listening to the radio. I drew the line when they started playing a song that was all "It's overwhellming thing love!" or some shit like that. It made me think too much of James again.

AND WHY THE HELL IS TIME GOING TO SLOWLY NOW!? I don't remember three hours feeling like an enternity before! There used to be not enough time in the world whenever I would talk or think about James and Dan and Bill. Now, time is torturing me, mocking me, ripping my heart out and saying "Lookie what I got!" only to crush it in its grotess hand.

Today has got to be the worst day of my life!

Do you want to see the guy that has me all depressed today? Maybe you'll see why I'm so madly in love with him.

He's going to turn me into a pretzal when he finds out I linked my blog to his profile page.

Blog number ten for the day.


Take the .Hack//SIGNTest

Taking this test was depressing. I answered everything honestly, but the questions were the kind that I knew the answer to because I'm that pathetic.

Did that make sense?

I'm starting to feel like those cartoon characters that tune into the radio or TV and see something about whatever is aling them. Everywhere I go on the internet there's something about Valentines Day and significante others and cute little couples sitting so close they might as well be having sex. It's not helping me feel any better about what's going on or how I feel about it or anything! It's just making me feel worst.

Wow, my ninth blog of the day. I must be really messed up.

I hate when I get like this.

Boredom and depression cause memories that I wish I could look back on in a happy way come in as harsh as salt on an open wound.

I wish I could be with Dan. At least he'd asked why I'm upset... if not tell me to just get over it. Then all I'd have to do is go up to him and have him hug me. When he asks why, I'd tell him something stupidly pathetic that it would cause him to start caring about me cause he knows I'm hurt.

I wish I had that here, but I don't. No one cares like Dan does.

Either I'm trying to loose my hearing so that I don't know what people are saying to me so that I don't respond back with something stupid or I'm trying to lose myself in the music.

Either way, it's not working. I still feel so empty and depressed.

The sad thing is that no one here is helping me feel better. At least if I was there with James and Bill (like that's going to happen NOW, you idiot), they would bug me if I locked myself in my room like I did yesturday untill I came out. Here, no one even noticed I was in my room the whole time. There, I'd have someone hugging me right now trying to coax out what is it that has me feeling so shitty. Here, I have parents that don't really give a damn. They just asked, and when I didn't answer, they left to do whatever.

I hate myself. I wish I never did what I did that night.

Do you know what's worst than waking up from a series of dreams you don't get but find so desturbing that you need someone to hug you when you wake up?

Not having anyone to hug you.

I was watching Faeriely Odd Parents. Didn't help me with my James obession either. Especially when Cosmo said those things about how bad he is but yet Wanda still loves him.

I wish someone would love me just as solidly even though I'm just this piece of wasted flesh.

Great, DragonballZ is on. It's bad enough that He-man has me thinking about James, but this makes me think about him even more.

James is a martial arts kick boxer.

Finally got some sleep.

The odd thing was when I woke up. I didn't feel like myself. I felt like a child again wanting to watch Saturday Morning Cartoons. I don't remember feeling this way. Maybe it has something to do with the loneliness I have been feeling. I don't know.

So, as if to feed a dying plant, I decided to watch some cartoons. They aren't helping.

He-man is on while I'm typing this, and all I can think about whenever He-man is on the screen is James.

This always happens. When something is bothering me to the point where video games can't help, I always end up spending my money carelessly be it NeoPoints or actual cash.

I thought about just going ahead and seeing if I could buy Lauderdale Strip from this site seeing how it's five dollars cheaper than if I buy it direct from the studio. There's a risk involved, sure, but porn isn't like the kind of stuff they show in theaters. The thing is, when I got to the part where I'm suppose to fill out the billing information, I started to have second thoughts. Sure, it was my money. I mean, I could do it if I wanted to provided that I'm not in a restricted ordering zone by their selling practices. So what stopped me?

The fact that I knew that if I started to buy something now, I'll end up buying alot of things while I'm up untill I'm broke in the pants.

This isn't helping.

I couldn't sleep. All I could think about what James and Dan and if they forgive me for what I did. I popped online to see if they were one, almost as if to try to get back to sleep.

James was on. I talked to him, but he just felt so distanced, so far away.

I didn't talk to him long. He didn't say if he was going to be on tomorrow/later tonight or not. He didn't even tell me if I can IM him if I see him.

I've never felt this lonely for a long time.

I want to go back to bed and sleep, but I just can't.

After submitting to the fact that I've been up all night, I awoke to feel no different than when I went to sleep. I feel like crap. No, I feel like shit.

I've been trying to blog about last night, but the iMac isn't being friendly about it. This being the thrid attempt, I might as well tell the cliffnote version to avoid any other "errors type 2" (whatever the hell that means).

James got pissed off over something and wouldn't calm down. Bill tricked me with a question which I answered wrong and used that against me to make me look like I don't care. If I didn't care, then why the hell do I hurt so much? My worry about James caused me to disrespect Dan in a way that is best described as the "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW" kind of disrepect. And that's putting it friendly. That's the one thing you don't do to him.

I lost sight as to how important Dan is. Without him, I wouldn't have James or Bill or anyone. He keeps us together and knows everyone so well it's scarey. Or at least, he was. The moment I pissed him off, he wanted to just cut me off!

Right now, I'm so depressed that all I want to do is to just die. Life doesn't seem all that great now. I had dreams of stuff blowing up by my hand as well as the ones where I just blow up at people. I don't feel like talking anymore. I fear that all I'll do when I talk is hurt people's feelings because of my stupidity.

Oh God, I've unintentionally did what I knew was going to happen if Dan and the guys disappeared on me only alot sooner than I thought! I may end up alienating the human race socially.

I'm an idioit. I'm so stupid that I don't deserve to be talking to anyone.

I'm a Plushie Paint Brush I'm a lot different from everybody else, and I'm not as well-off as others, but I'm cute and loveable and that's what matters!

I'm what?! "Cute and loveable"?! You've got to be kidding me.

God! I hate when TV shows do that!!

Today was to be the "last" episode of Celebrity Mole. I could have sworn on my life that the mole was going to be revealed.

Guess what? It won't be.

No, I have to wait untill next week to see if it's either Erik or Kathy or (I really doubt it) Fredarique. NEXT FUCKING WEEK! Oh, and they are going to have fun with it too, cause it looks like it's going to be one of those "let's laugh at ourselves" reunion. God, I'm so red over that I could knock a hole in the wall with my foot.

While I was having lunch, I stumbled upon a kickboxing match.

I don't remember the names of the fighters, but one of them was close to James as far as stats go. I was told that James is all leg, and I can see why now. These kickboxers were practically all leg as well. Go figure since they can TKO a match using their feet as well as their fists. And damn are they lean!

I almost got wood watching the match.

Hmm.. Interesting.

I just learned that the .hack series is not only a television series, but a story told over the three main Japanese "storytellers."

The first is the television series. The second is in the OAV or Original Animated Video. Think of an OAV like a direct-to-video release, only with a higher quality standard that what we put out on domestic direct-to-video releases. The third is in the .hack video game for the PS2, which is being called a massively multi-player online RPG you play offline. If I confused you just then, don't worry about it.

Boy, and I thought Pokemon had some great marketing tie-ins.

From Live365 - Listening to Live365:

Starting February 13, 2003, listeners of Personal Broadcasts will need to log in to listen.

Great, you mean I have to log in now to listen to my stations?

Good thing I can have them e-mail me my password. I kind of forgot it.

From boogle.com : google with quotes:

Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

So there are people that work around technology but don't have a single clue as to why it works or how it works, they just know that it does sometimes and doesn't other times. And there are those that know what makes it go tick that don't really have any kind of contact near the technology that they know about.

So which am I?

I've got to a point with Rhapsody and Final Fantasy Tactics where it's begining to be like a PokeRPG. What I mean by that is that they are starting to be like Pokemon. Like the Pokemon games I have (and I have the first five), after you finish the main goal, you're left with nothing more to do than to level up among other things. Final Fantasy Tactics does a good job with this annoiance because I still have several jobs left to open as well as some choice training involving a certain spell (namely Zodiac). Rhapsody, on the other, is more along the lines of "Okay, once I get this attack, I can stop training." cause the battle system is just way too easy.

Both have caused me to go back to DDR.

I don't know what the deal is, but I found it more enjoyable to do the whole PokeRPG thing with them after a good game of DDR. It makes this annoying side of it more enjoyable.

Speacking of Pokemon, I got to remember to delete the GameBoy cartrage games that I have saved as well as some choice Pokemon in my Pokemon Stadium game. Not the rare ones, of course. Just all the Mewtwos I've messed up on, and maybe even some others. Maybe the Surfing Pikachu, but definately not the Amnisia Pysduck. Wait, did I earn that one yet? I know I haven't earned any of the other ones in the Pokemon Stadium 2 game I have since I haven't played that version as much as the first one. I don't know, I can't remember. All I know is that I'm not deleteing the N64 cartrages.

I watched .hack//sign toady.

The reviews are right. It does start out slow. Still, it interests me. The kid looks to be trapped in one of those RPGs that take place in a very mideval society. You know, kind of like RuneScape. I loved that stupid cow that the main guy was riding on. It just kept bumping into the wall with no sense of direction what so every!

The one thing I didn't get was at the end. Is this online computer game killing people? It showed this Japanese apartment building with EMTs and police outside all panicing as a little girl laid on the floor looking like she was murdered. Naturally, they edited out the blood if there was any (as well with some other things), but you can tell that she didn't just pass out due to exhaustion or playing the game too long.

Hmm, guess my blog doesn't support Java since I didn't code it in. Oh well. Just so you know, my virtual model looks nothing like me. It's just an approximation, but handy when I'm looking for clothes that could fit.

I think I found something that could be useful to me if I ever shop online at Lands' End.


Meet my virtual model!

Yes, I signed up for another stupid account, this time at My Virtual Model. Hey, I thought it would be fun! It's not like I'm cloning myself or anything.

Looks like the monkey came early cause the archives are fucking up again and aren't doing what they are suppose to.

The Chinese Year of the Sheep is upon us.

According to this Feng Shui book of my mothers, if I read it right, this year is for planing not only for our finacial futures, but our funimental future as well. A year of thinking and ploting as to how we are going to head into the next year to make it better for ourselves and our families.

The ironic thing is the year after that is the Year of the Monkey where plans don't go as planed. I wonder if that means I should plan to get the reverse result that way i can cancel out the effects of the monkey. Nah, that's thinking too hard and way too much work. If plans go screwy, the best thing to do is just deal with them.

If you are wondering, I was born in the year of the Pig.