The Hardest Part of This Morning

It would appear that my little journey into the dark last night when I was writing my paper for Drawing 2 carried over. First, I got easily hurt on Gaia, but that was dismissed rather quickly since, after all, I don't have any personal attatchments to the community of any kind. Unfortunately, the bad mood caused by my paper carried over to this morning. I really didn't see a point to me being here, and I really wish I would have slept in and done something else entirely. The sad fact of the matter is that I can't. I'm stuck here for the next so-many hours trying to come up with something to do so that I don't fall asleep in the cafe and make a complete ass of myself.

On my mind right now are thoughts of very negative results that may have developed due to my two weeks of not talking to Dan, Leo, or anyone on their end. The e-mail I sent out to them never got replied, and I have no way of finding out if they even read it! Quite honestly, I am starting to think that they are not coming like I have invited them to. I can't blame them. Who would want to meet me anyway? I mean, I'm not that special and definitely not worth a trip out to meet, be it to see my art or otherwise. I guess they are better off if they did what they wanted to do originally. Quite frankly, I'm not worth a detour in their plains. At least, I don't think so. They probably think otherwise, but that's just being hopeful. I learned early on that if you even go a week without contact, things change so fast. Who knows what could have happened since the last time we IMed with each other! I sure don't.

So the last days of my class are fast approaching. Today is the last class I have of Drawing 2. My finals are due and my portfolio has to be turned in to be checked and graded. Monday, I do the same thing all over again, only with 3-D Design and Color Fundamentals. As relieved as I am that I am ending the semester, thereby reducing some of the stress I've been enduring lately, I'm very much afraid of the future right now. I don't know what, if anything, I'll be doing this summer. Whatever it is that I end up doing, I know for a fact that I won't enjoy it. I won't have fun, and I would be able to enjoy myself or the time that I have off. There are several things that I know we have to do that no one enjoys, but after enduring several things like high school teasing and the fact that I am in the minority two fold as far as society goes, I feel that I am owed something for my suffering.

Call me a greedy bastard if you want! Honestly, I feel I've had to go through so much shit that any more would just be like another day to the average American worker numbed by the daily routine. One more disappointment will hurt, there's no denying that. I will live on, but for once I would like it if something actually went my way all the way to the end. I'm sick and tired of being lucky and having opportunities present themselves only to have fucked them up in the process. I'm tired of losing things like this because of my own stupidity. My stubborn nature may be to blame, but right now, I really wish something, anything, went my way! I get some really horny good looking straight boy as my friend with benefits. I get to go to Disney World and enjoy it the way I feel it should be enjoyed. I get a boyfriend to end all boyfriends. Something to compensate if not counter all the shit and mistakes I had to go through.

See, this isn't helping me. Only one person reads this blog and comments on it on a semi-regular basis. (Yes, Zero, I'm talking about you.) One person. Yet everyday when I check to see who left a comment on what, I notice that the counter always goes up by at least 10. That means that 10 people found my blog and read it, hopefully. I really doubt that counter going up means that the one person that actually comes here went through my blog 10 times to see if it has updated, which I bet is really the case.

I feel like I am dying from the inside right now. I really do. Every time I cough, I feel like I'm about to hack out my lungs. My heart hurts more and more with each passing day, making me feel like I have a hole in my chest. I've masturbated to the point where I can't even ejaculate a good amount of sperm. The only thing missing are the cuts and burns I could easily get from cooking in the kitchen when I feel like I should or when my sister wants a pizza and doesn't have time to make it herself.

This blog is getting too out of hand. I lost all control of my emotions. Damn my Drawing 2 Final. I blame you.