Big Fish

I think I should steal a tactic from Edward Bloom and tell this story as best I can. It may be fact; it may be fiction. All I know is that it will get your attention.

Around 13:00, I decided to go to sleep. Reason being was the fact that my AIM account had be compromised. Now, most of the time when that kind of stuff happens, the attacker would steal your identity, in particular your credit card number so as to purchase all the wants that they do desire. Seeing as how I don't have a credit card, I changed my password to the account and signed out leaving the person to destroy what little of a social life I had.

Anyway, there I was, laying in bed, trying to go to sleep. I honestly couldn't think of anything worth thinking about, which is said to be the best way to go to sleep. An empty mind is one capable of dreams. And dreams I had.

I dreamed that I was far away from this place. I was in a city that was made of gold. The streets, the sidewalks, even the picket fences. No one cared about how people looked or acted, everyone got along, and it never rained a single drop save at night so everyone could fall asleep soundly. There was no hate, no arguing, no fighting of any kind. Those in political power were honest and truthful and, above all, they delivered. A wonderful utopia soiled by nothing.

It felt too real to be a dream, but unfortunately it was. And I awoke with the feeling of being alone. The closest thing I had to comfort was the pillow I had next to me, which was as big as a person. I couldn't sleep again. I knew that I would never see that place in my dreams again no matter how hard I tried.

I got up feeling hungry and went to grab something to eat. My aunt told me that she finished watching Big Fish, so I decided to go ahead and watch what I knew would be the greatest story ever told.

The thing is, apparently, I had to work in order to see it. The player on the computer didn't want to play. It's funny, because for the first time in my life I didn't know what to do. I used to know a lot about computers and all their workings, but when it came time to actually do something, nothing felt natural. I didn't have the damnest idea as to how to go about fixing the problem. I guess that's what happens when you go off to college to learn how to make it in your chosen profession. You end up forgetting that which you've learned in order to make room for new knowledge.

I decided to invade the bedroom of my parents, mostly due to the fact that is the only other place that has a working DVD player. I popped in the movie and began watching it.

Now, I won't spoil the movie, but let me tell you this much. The stories in it are that only a Southern Grandmother could tell you. And, by God, they were classical. The very things that make up the worlds of Atlantis and even creatures from Mars. The kind of stories that feel so real that there is just no way they could be false. A charming and beautiful story. A masterpiece in cinema.

When the movie ended, I started to feel very regrettable. Not because of the fact that the stories had to end. Stories like that never really end. They keep on going. No, I felt regrettable for the fact that I don't have a Southern grandparent that could spin balls of yarn so big they could knit a sweater for everyone in the world twice over. Three times if only "swests" were made. Another thing that I feel I am missing in my life, but sadly can live without it.

One thing has been bothering me though. Lately, as I sit here typing, I can't seem to get the image of Michelle crying over my final project because of how moving it is. It's making me rethink if I should tap into that part of myself more often. Maybe I can make the whole world cry if they knew what I know. Of course, if I made them feel the pain I feel and made the world cry, we wouldn't need the ice caps to melt to cause a flood able to sink most of the land that's still above sea level.

I don't know. I don't think I'm any good at spinning yarn. So much for trying to be a big fish.

That Same Old Feeling

I woke up at 10:00 this morning. It felt good to sleep in that late and not have to think about school work as soon as my brain kicked in. The sad thing is, my mind reverted back to what I felt before I went into college. I woke up feeling rather alone. I found myself thinking to myself, Now what? It's kind of scary, this not knowing what to do next. With only one class left on Monday, most of the stress is gone, but a new uncertainty is in its place.

I talked to James last night. Apparently, my e-mail I sent Dan, Leo, and Bill didn't get through because he didn't see it. They all share James's e-mail address. James told me that he's getting married (FINALLY). He feels he can't do any better than what he has going for him with Matt, and I couldn't be happier for him. Invitations go out next week. I don't think I'll get one unless something grand happens.

Him announcing his marriage puts into sharp perspective that which I don't have in my life. Take a guess what.

Something Happened

I just had the strangest experience ever.

I asked my Drawing 2 teacher if I could go last seeing how my final project commanded so much space to be used. When I finally set everything up and lit everything as I wanted it, I left the room. I wrote in my artist statement that I don't want to know what everyone's reactions where.

That couldn't be helped.

While waiting for someone to get me saying that the critique was over, Michelle, my teacher, came out and sat next to me. She was crying. I've seen her in a state of concern and caring before in the class, but never crying. I felt something was wrong. I tried to comfort her, but I don't feel I did a good job.

She then told me things that I did not expect. She told me that she never felt so moved before by a student's work. She said that, in class, I appeared so secure in myself and so strong that she was surprise to learn just how vulnerable I really am. She told me that she is proud of me for making this piece.

I felt bad that I made her cry. I still do. It feels odd that I was able to produce a piece of work that would make my teacher, someone who is well experienced in the art field more than I am, react in a way that was both unexpected and unsettling to me.

As much as I know I'm better off not knowing, a part of me wants to know what the other's in the room thought. I'm fighting that part right now. I am better off if I didn't know what was said in the critique, for if I do find out, I know I'll end up clamming up and hiding myself even more. This project took a lot out of me and forced me to put myself in a place I don't want to go again with my art. Kind of ironic that I say that since I go to that place every time I rant and rave here, isn't it?

The last thing I want is to make people cry. It is very unsettling for me that I was able to make someone cry through my art.

The Hardest Part of This Morning

It would appear that my little journey into the dark last night when I was writing my paper for Drawing 2 carried over. First, I got easily hurt on Gaia, but that was dismissed rather quickly since, after all, I don't have any personal attatchments to the community of any kind. Unfortunately, the bad mood caused by my paper carried over to this morning. I really didn't see a point to me being here, and I really wish I would have slept in and done something else entirely. The sad fact of the matter is that I can't. I'm stuck here for the next so-many hours trying to come up with something to do so that I don't fall asleep in the cafe and make a complete ass of myself.

On my mind right now are thoughts of very negative results that may have developed due to my two weeks of not talking to Dan, Leo, or anyone on their end. The e-mail I sent out to them never got replied, and I have no way of finding out if they even read it! Quite honestly, I am starting to think that they are not coming like I have invited them to. I can't blame them. Who would want to meet me anyway? I mean, I'm not that special and definitely not worth a trip out to meet, be it to see my art or otherwise. I guess they are better off if they did what they wanted to do originally. Quite frankly, I'm not worth a detour in their plains. At least, I don't think so. They probably think otherwise, but that's just being hopeful. I learned early on that if you even go a week without contact, things change so fast. Who knows what could have happened since the last time we IMed with each other! I sure don't.

So the last days of my class are fast approaching. Today is the last class I have of Drawing 2. My finals are due and my portfolio has to be turned in to be checked and graded. Monday, I do the same thing all over again, only with 3-D Design and Color Fundamentals. As relieved as I am that I am ending the semester, thereby reducing some of the stress I've been enduring lately, I'm very much afraid of the future right now. I don't know what, if anything, I'll be doing this summer. Whatever it is that I end up doing, I know for a fact that I won't enjoy it. I won't have fun, and I would be able to enjoy myself or the time that I have off. There are several things that I know we have to do that no one enjoys, but after enduring several things like high school teasing and the fact that I am in the minority two fold as far as society goes, I feel that I am owed something for my suffering.

Call me a greedy bastard if you want! Honestly, I feel I've had to go through so much shit that any more would just be like another day to the average American worker numbed by the daily routine. One more disappointment will hurt, there's no denying that. I will live on, but for once I would like it if something actually went my way all the way to the end. I'm sick and tired of being lucky and having opportunities present themselves only to have fucked them up in the process. I'm tired of losing things like this because of my own stupidity. My stubborn nature may be to blame, but right now, I really wish something, anything, went my way! I get some really horny good looking straight boy as my friend with benefits. I get to go to Disney World and enjoy it the way I feel it should be enjoyed. I get a boyfriend to end all boyfriends. Something to compensate if not counter all the shit and mistakes I had to go through.

See, this isn't helping me. Only one person reads this blog and comments on it on a semi-regular basis. (Yes, Zero, I'm talking about you.) One person. Yet everyday when I check to see who left a comment on what, I notice that the counter always goes up by at least 10. That means that 10 people found my blog and read it, hopefully. I really doubt that counter going up means that the one person that actually comes here went through my blog 10 times to see if it has updated, which I bet is really the case.

I feel like I am dying from the inside right now. I really do. Every time I cough, I feel like I'm about to hack out my lungs. My heart hurts more and more with each passing day, making me feel like I have a hole in my chest. I've masturbated to the point where I can't even ejaculate a good amount of sperm. The only thing missing are the cuts and burns I could easily get from cooking in the kitchen when I feel like I should or when my sister wants a pizza and doesn't have time to make it herself.

This blog is getting too out of hand. I lost all control of my emotions. Damn my Drawing 2 Final. I blame you.

Wishing I Could Hump on Hump Day

Random title, I know. Probably has nothing to do with the blog today, anyway.

I finished the visual portion of my 3-D Design final and now need to do the paper that is due Monday. Also due Monday is my Color portfolio and my last landscape, which I'll be doing this weekend.

Tomorrow is the final critique for Drawing II, and even though I'm finished with what I need to do, I need to type up my artist statement since I don't want to give out an oral report. I think I'll do something special and unexpected with that. All I can say is that it involves my blog. Or at least the format that you are seeing. Should be interesting how the class reacts to the fact that I have more adult links on here than any other section.

Well, since I'm done with what is due today for Color, I think I'll go on Gaia and chat for my two hour break. It's not like I can do my typing here for Drawing 2. I need to be in my own little world to be able to do that.

I feel like a clam.

I don't know what it is about me, but just the presence of some people make me clam up and not want to interact with them. Not in the bad way that some people would immediately think, but more in a fearful way. The kind of fear where you just can't help but be afraid even if you know the fear and what-have-you's are all dead and gone. I hope I'm not the only one that is like that.

In any event, because I've offended Christina, my last friend whome I did not offend up until last week, being around her, Jaime, and Ken has been trying on my emotions. It is as if I feel I am unworthy of being a part of their circle of friends, let alone worthy enough to talk to them.

It's werid. For the first time in a long time, I actually seriously thought it would be better for me if I was alone, socially. No friends, no associates, no real connections of any kind to any social circles. An asocial living similar to that of a hermit or a hospital patient who is cut off from the outside world due to some illness that needs immediate caring, like cancer or the like.

Maybe I am one of those people that are better off alone. Maybe I am suppose to be one of those people that will go down in the history books with a folklore about them like van Gogh. Maybe I'm being stupid.

Yeah, that's probably it. I'm just being stupid.

BTW, I'm on the schools iMac, which is a Gumdrop that is somehow running OSX. I can't spell check this entry, so pardon any that you may come across.

Paris Hilton sex tape to be released

A porn company acquired the rights from Rick Salomon

LOS ANGELES - The notorious home video circulated on the Internet showing reality TV star Paris Hilton having sex with her former boyfriend is coming to an adult film store near you.

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Red Light District Video, a suburban Los Angeles porn production company, said Thursday it has acquired rights from Hilton’s ex-beau, Rick Salomon, to distribute the full 45-minute video in June under the title “One Night In Paris.”

Full story at MSNBC.com

You knew it was going to happen sooner or later, right?

Shakespearean Moment (kind of)

'Tis the last week of schooling that I attend is now.
For four plus one suns do I go towards an institution
from which I learn the ways which should help me
acquire that which I know I already have.

Relieved am I,
for a burden shall be lifted from me
and I, myself, shall have one less to worry,
for there are things from which ones such as myself need not worry about.

Still, as though cursed by some force so powerful that the eyes of man cannot see Him,
worries and woes still burden ones such as myself.

Nay, only myself, for few in the world in which the His creations life are
as insightful,
as critical,
as cowardly,
as vain,
as innocent as that which is before you
whose text does not speak what the lips say
but what the heart and soul scream.

Yes, scream they do,
with the pains that no not of what others know.
Ignorance, sharpened by the stone of experience,
dives like a sword through their very gullet
depriving each of air in which they need to scream
that which needs to be heard.

Yet it is this pain,
this suffering of the soul,
that I feel one should not go through.
It is this pain that,
somehow,
be it by the will of God
or by the living energy that binds me
to this mortal realm,
drives me
and creates me.

Nervous am I.
Afraid and fearful of what is to become
of myself
of my passion
and of the very dream that others say should not be dreamt
nor should even be dreamt to be dreamed by those who,
like myself,
dare to dream and live in a world where
dreaming and living cannot cooperate.

Seeking comfort in friends and in those that give me comfort
I stand like a new born child
whose mother and father,
both of noble and great respects,
have been murdered and left with very little guidance.
A state of insecurity that rivals that
which Death and the toll of its clock do brag about
with just cause.

Oh, beautiful candle,
with your blond light kissing the black hair of that which you love.
In this dark and gloomy chamber
thy gives thee one last warm light of hope.
But I am nothing but a moth
attracted by your light and burned when I attempt to be one with you.

The wings of depression,
the very wings in which give me strength
to fly above the pain and the suffering,
do more harm than good.
They do little to fan the flames
as all they do is cause extinction.

Aye, woe is me.
Shameful in the past knowing
full well that foolishness leads to nothingness.

Woe is me
for knowing that my heart,
the very organ of love
which is suppose to glow with the love and light of that of God,
does not what it should.

Woe is me
for knowing this castration,
self-inflicted through deprivation
from which you have an excess of,
is that of my own.

Woe is me
and heavy is my heart
like a stone throw into a well dug so deep
it leads to fire than to water.

Sleep, oh sleep, young one.
'Tis only the night you see,
nothing more,
nothing less.

The blond candle shall always burn with a passion.
The darkness shall never be darken.
The heart shall be lifted from the cold.

That which has been denied will be yours soon enough.

Sleep now, oh young dreamer of the day,
And dream not the troubles from which they say.

I should be painting, but I'm not.

The only reason I'm on is because I just got a call from my sister saying that she forgot her house key and needs someone to open the door for her. Other than that, I'm not suppose to be on.

I'm actually on a break right now. I've been working for about five hours straight on my drawings. While I have been able to make what I want the main focal point in most of my drawings pretty clear, I've hit a wall when it comes to making people actually look at the crotch area of a figure. That area is a place that no one would really want to look at unless they are a pervert like me. Somehow, I need to execute this in a drawing, but I don't know how to do that without adding a penis in the picture the size of which would make most men jealous and even more women sick to their stomach, no matter what the sexual preference. That is, if they aren't a size queen.

In any event, I need a break to clear my thoughts and figure out this problem better. Given the hour, I should be asleep, but like I said, I'm waiting on my sister to come home. Just being a good big brother, since that's the only thing I am good for. You know, pack mule, a second (sometimes third) house key, an extra pair of ears that will listen. Seems that's all I'm good for really.

I hate when my mom cleans. The whole downstairs now smells of vanilla and orange-scented candle wax. Not very pleasing when mixed together, aromaticly speaking.

I'm on my break.

Note to self: Do not listen to any soundtracks involving love while working on a piece of art that is a symbolic visual representation of how you yourself cannot love anyone because you are emotionally numb. It makes the job that much harder to complete.

Just a while ago, while Josh Gorban was playing on the CD player, my dad asked me to move the table out of the kitchen because it was blocking his access to the trash can. My mom put the coffee table there to clean and rearrange the furniture. Well, I picked up the table and put it down in the leaving room. Then, my mom starts yelling at me telling me to remove the coffee table and put it in my room. I tell her that I can because I have no floor space anymore for it since all my art from 3-D is up there. Now I know why my teacher destroys her pieces. So, like the pack mule that I am, I just put the table back where it was while my dad laughs at his own ignorance. Meanwhile, I'm here wondering why the hell I'm starting my break this sour. That's what I get for working since 09:00 on my Drawing 2 final, I guess.

Finals, while they should be important, are not taking up as much time as I thought they would. Reason being is because I'm rather stressed out about other things. All I want to do right now is play games and escape reality as best I can. Good luck, I say given what I have to do and all that jazz.

I haven't talked to Leo or Bill or anyone over there for the last few weeks. It's getting to me right now. Still, given how I'm feeling right now, these last few weeks of not being in contact with them is just nothing more than a confirmation that I cannot do anything I truly want to do. The only way Dan and Bill will ever come down here now is if they take the initiative. It would be a nice surprise, that's for sure. I'll admit, that I have been wanting Leo to do that for a while now, mostly because I need a distraction that I know I'll never get. Hey, I can still dream, can't I?

Well, I was just informed that I won't have the computer tonight. My mother needs it. I might as well do some of my nightly 'net surfing now.

Distant No More

While working on my Drawing 2 final, I came to the conclusion that I will have to spend a long amount of intimate time in order to make this piece come off as the way I want them to.

This means that I can bullshit my Color Fundamentals homework!

So, yeah, you can pretty much tell what I'll be doing tomorrow while the sun is up. Bullshiting my landscape and my last expressionist painting to make time for my Drawing 2 final.

Been Silent Long Enough

A few days ago, I stumbled upon something really stupid.

A few people decided that Wednesday was the day they would not speak to anyone as a form or protest against the discrimination against homosexuals. The idea was to symbolize the number of voices not heard if the discrimination continues.

Who the hell thought this up?!

First off, I know from experience, great experience, that if you do not talk about what is troubling you, the problem will never be solved! No one would be aware of the problem at hand if you do not make them aware of it!

Secondly, don't you think that this little "protest" is playing into the homophobics' little hands? I mean, some of them want us dead and rotting in Hell where we belong! Being silent is just a compromise. They don't want to deal with us, they don't want to acknowledge we exist. If we do not speak, then we do not exist to them, and that makes them even happier because they do not have to deal with us verbally or hear us complain about their narrow minds.

But then again, what do I know? I don't vote, am not a registered voter, and have no right to complain as such.

Written on paper that's in the recycling bin.

Everywhere I turn, I hurt someone
But there's nothing that can change the things I've done
Of all the things I hid from you, I cannot hide the shame
And I pray someone, someday, somehow, will take away the pain

There's no way out of this dark place
No hope
No future
I know I can be free
But I can't see another day
I can't see another way

Quite honestly, I don't know if I even got the lyrics right. Still, I cannot get them out of my head for reasons relevant to who I am.

Today started off as usual, I came in, went to the student cafe, started working on my Drawing 2 final after my creative block, and waited for the classroom to let out to drop off my things. Christina came by, and we talked. I mentioned how "the powers that be" have commanded me to find a job. Christina, as a good friend that she is, helped me get a tow in the door at school working the summer shift. To avoid talking to Bob, the main maintenance worker and Christina's boss, I worked on my final.

I worked on work to avoid work.

As I worked, I thought about various things, all of which seemed centered around my sexuality and my behavior. Pretty much any class I had with Coffey and/or Jason, I've felt like I acted like a pervert around them.

Christina then came by asking if I would like it if she asked Bob for me what summer positions where available. I said yes, but she'd owe me.

Big mistake.

A slight yet very mature conflict occurred resulting with me tucking tail and apologizing. I blamed the stress. She then said, "I'll talk to you when you can think straight."

Translation: You ungrateful bastard! See if I do you any favors anymore!

Can't say I didn't have this happen before. I guess the only thing I was able to improve on was the fact that I caught my mistake just before the 5 minute after-the-fact mark. Like I said, I apologized, but even to me I don't believe that I was sincere.

I then turned my attention back to my drawings. That's when I had a moment of realization.

For the longest time, I have always put myself and my art at a distance. Art was just something I made because I have all these ideas that need a way out. That's about as personal as it ever got. After what happened with Christina, I realized my art this time is very personal, as it was assigned to be. I stared at the image I was working on, a nude male torso with a hole where the heart is. I felt my own heart sting with the pain of loneliness, as if it was disappearing. The piece itself is a symbol of a personal insult. Take a guess which.

I have no heart any more. I am emotionally numb when it comes to human interaction and socialization. I can't get close to people. I can't appreciate charity and kindness. On top of that, I can't love anyone! Friend, family, or otherwise.

This only confirms what I've been told countless number of times.

I am a pathetic piece of shit.

New Level in Hating Painting

Remember how I always say how much I hate painting? Well, I found a new reason to hate it, but surprisingly it is making me appreciate painting with acrylics now. Enamel paint sucks. I'm reminded now as to why I didn't even bother finishing that Gundam model that I found the paint in. Incidentally, some of the paint harden over. That's what happens when you don't use paint for a long period of time.

So, the new thing is now that I hate painting, but I really hate painting with enamel paint. The pains of being an artist.

Star Wars Comes to DVD!!

You read that right!

According to StarWars.com, the DVD of the original films will be coming out fully restored and remastered. I have the special editions on VHS, but the extras on the DVD box set blow my tapes away!

Speaking of being blown away, check out the kids Leia and Han popped out.


Anakin Solo


Jacen Solo, twin to Jaina


Jaina Solo, twin to Jacen

Something tells me Han and Leia have strong genes as far as beauty goes. Nice looking group of kids! You can learn more about them on StarWars.com.

Skittle Blog

(I'm going to grab some Skittles after I blog, in case you are wondering.)

I just finished three grids of colors based on three different master works in an hour and a half! Speed painting in the best!

Is this the end of stress? Nope. Tonight, I need to type my rational for my visuals for Art History as well as correct my paper to give a teacher's copy of my final for the teacher. Then I have to actually start on my Drawing 2 assignment.

Fun, no? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Googlism

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A Buck Short and Low on Motivation

Okay, so I can't count. I had $7 in change instead of $8. On top of that, both games I wanted were in the $50 range. Needless to say the fact that, as a consumer, I cannot afford anything that I want still holds true. Those that I could afford in my budget I have no desire to buy. Go figure.

When I got home, I ended up trying out the demo of Jedi Academy. Now I know why X-Play gave it a four out of five. Damn camera.

Right now, I really have no drive to do my Color homework. I have two hours to do it, however, after 3-D design, which I plan on utilizing to the fullest if at all possible. Time to break out the 1" brush to save time!

In other news, the property in Colorado is going to be put up for sale and loans are going to be taken out in my name. My mom has already told me that I will have to find a job this summer. All in all, I'm not happy now given the news that I was just given. (As if you can't tell from my blogging right now.)

It's also the first night here where it is hot enough to sleep naked. Guess you know what I'll be doing tonight. Too bad that isn't working in holding my sexual repression over, but what the hell can I do anyway?

I need a vacation.

$8 In Change, $35 In The Wallet

The first thing I heard this morning was my sister's little voice asking shyly if I would like to go to "the big mall." I replied back saying that I can't go to OpryMills because I have some ridiculous Color homework that, while related to the final, is unnecessary.

As I laid in bed after she left, I kept thinking to myself how stupidly I've been working these past few days. I concluded to go ahead and reward myself with a trip there, hopefully with the intent of buying a new game. I'm thinking of getting either Knights of the Old Republic or Jedi Academy. Either way, I am looking at a game that lets me hack and slash like a Jedi.

Maybe TechTV can help me pick which on I should pick.

One Down, Several To Go

All five of my comics for Art History are done on schedule as planed.

The next thing to do is to start on my Color Fundamentals homework, which is due first thing Monday. The Drawing final I can do in class as well as during my five hour break. The 3-D final I can do in the studio provided I can find my jar.

This is the plan, and I hope it works out.

Working on Comics

I finished two out of five of my comics! The other three I have left are all two-, three-, and four-panel dailys, one of which will be colored.

Glee!! I've never felt so good working before! But I need a break, so I'm calling it a day and will work on my comics tomorrow during my cartoons!

That's me on Gaia. Well, that's what I posted at least.

It's true. I never felt this good working before on any of my finals. Granted that last semester that work was enjoyable, but this time around it was almost like I was producing something that I can see myself doing a lot of. Granted that I may not be able to draw comics on a daily basis. I mean, I honor the likes of Scott Adams and all in his profession, but I know I won't be able to do anything like that.

What is it about finals that make me feel so good when I actually make them? There's always one that does it. Last semester, it was cutting up all those windows for my mattes. This time around, it is my comics for Art History. I just hope this obsessed feeling and workaholic nature carries over to the other finals I have to complete by their due dates.

Here's to hope!

The ideas are just not coming, God damn it!

You know, having a five hour break does have its advantages. For starters, I can actually do some work in an environment that spurs creativity. The only down side to this is that, well, I have to have some kind of creativity to spur.

I have none right now.

I am suppose to come up with a four-drawing series for my Drawing final. All four have to look the same style, all have to be personal to me in one form or another based on content and form.

I came up with one good idea and four sucky ones. Even the good one I don't like!

So what to do for the next four hours?

I wish I had my poster boards for my comics I'm making for Art History now.

$39 and Teaching a Teacher

I just dropped $20 on four sheets of really good but really hard to get drawing paper for my Drawing 2 final that has been assigned just today. You have no idea how hard it is to find 22" x 30" paper until you actually have to have it.

Speaking of papers, I got my paper back from my Art History teacher with praise that I really did not expect. Apparently, my paper was so good and so well informed that I was singled out as a good paper to read. On top of that, Brett informs me that my teacher, who also teaches the 20th Century Art History class, was telling her students about how amazing my paper really was.

What's the deal with that?! Yes, I'm totally aware that the politics and social issues being reflected by comics is interesting, but how is it possible for me to be able to teach the teacher?!

Anyway, this is the second paper of mind that she wants a copy of, more than likely to teach her 20th Century Art History class.

I think I set the bar way too high for myself now, quite by accident, I can assure you. At least for that teacher I have.

$58 And No Ink

I've been spending my birthday money on petty things as of late. Mostly sugar snacks from the vending machines to keep me awake and going in class. Other than that, the only major purchases I've made with my cash was a movie ticket and some poster board just yesterday for my Art History comics.

I tried printing out a few things that I need for class just now, and no ink as been replaced since I sapped it dry the other day getting my things together for my presentation in Color Fundamentals on Joe Phillips. Unless I have time to do it before we leave, which I doubt, I'll have to do all of the typing I've been meaning to at school on their computers.

I kept thinking of Bill last night. I don't know why, but I kept thinking about him. Maybe I was feeling a bit playful and mischievous and needed someone like him to fool around with. I don't know. All I know is that I was thinking about him a lot last night.

About time!!

Looks like the hottest wrestler I've seen in recent memory finally got a Wrestler Spotlight video.

Will I get it? Fat chance! I don't have a credit card and ordering something that has been deemed pornographic, even if the matches are non-nude as it is, is illegal in the state of Tennessee due to a law I cannot find!

Guess I'll have to wait until something happens before I order Troy Baker's Spotlight video.

Crunch Time

Today is one of those days when I have to go to class but my sister does not. Yes, I know, I'm in college, but I also go to college with several parents, whom I would think would like to have this day off too.

So whats on my plate for the week? Well, I don't know, but off the top of my head, I have two landscapes (STILL) to do as well as reprint a few things involving Joe Phillips for my Color Fundamentals class, I have three comic strips to draw while I work on a fourth one, and I have a one-page reaction to writing by Andy Worhol.

Need I remind you that I also have only three weeks left? Yes, that means everything assigned this week are for finals! Looks like I could be potentially stress out of my mind soon!

Easter Sunday

Today is Easter Sunday, and I woke up late. I have exactly half an hour to get dressed in my Sunday best. The thing is, I have no Sunday best.

In all honesty, I just want to stay home and pretend that this holiday that has been perverted by a white rabbit and probably assimilated by the Christians after they converted people who celebrated this as the first day of Spring or whatever. I don't like to go to this so-called Holy building just to be reminded that today a certain special person became a zombie only without the ugly flesh decomposing and what have you.

Blasphemy, you say?

No, not really. At least, I don't think so. I'm just really tired and would like to do something else today. I don't do my homework well in the day time here, so I really just want to stay home and play Gaia all day until I get rare Easter event. Why? Plain and simple.

I hate reality.

Online Relationship Flaw No. 2

I talked to Leo last night. Very casual and quite enjoyable conversation, really. The thing is that bothered me is that it ended with him saying that he was going to get offline and come back on later after he had some fun with his friends. He never came back.

I called him on it today when I talked to him just a while ago. He told he couldn't sit at the computer for hours on end talking to me. Somewhere towards the end, I made the realization apparent that I really don't matter to him. After all, he can't sit and talk to me for more than an hour before he feels like doing something else. On top of that, all I am is text and a JPEG to him! No real human contact of any kind.

I apparently learned a second flaw to seeking an online relationship. Endurance. Not just any kind of endurance, but a special kind that kind of goes hand and hand with patience. It's hard to describe, but parents go through it every day with their kids. That much I'm sure of.

Anyway, I guess the one thing I should really be concerned with is the fact that Leo wasn't honest with me about how he said he was going to be back last night only to just leave me in the cold. Honesty is kind of the main if not the only thing that matters in any relationship, online or real.

Sometimes I really wonder if what I am doing is really worth the effort I put into it. Several times, I've had people tell me in e-mails that I am better off without these guys given what I tell about them on the blog. Then again, they also tell me that I should move out, but I don't see that happening any time soon. Still, I cannot help but ask myself that question. Is it worth it? Will it be worth it? I want to say yes, but there is always doubt.

I really need a real life, right there in my reach, honest boyfriend in my life. Too bad I'll never meet anyone as good or better than Andrew, James, or Leo ever again. That's just how it works for me, I guess.

I'm not a slut?

You are a Slutcom 0, also known as the frigid level of slutcom. Slutcom 0 is someone who hasn't been with too many people, if they've been with people at all. Hook-ups are practically non-existant - there may be one or two in the past, but nothing consistent or spectacular. You're a card carrying member of the prude patrol, or at least close. Take the slutcom litmus test! The slutcom litmus test originated in A Word of Advice.

Zeek van Winkle

I don't know how I did it, but I have a good idea as to the cause of why I did it.

Somehow, I slept from 17:00 to 04:00. I slept for 11 hours straight.

At least I'm well rested now.

Alive at 21

Normally, I don't do this often, but considering how distracting CNN was this morning, I felt I needed to blog first before I did anything else today.

As you probably heard by now in the news, more and more troops in Iraq are dying. Several of the once that were featured on the news this morning were teenagers, obviously freshly graduated. They featured three, all of whom were younger than me. They all died at the age of 19.

It is times like these that I am glad I'm a coward. The fear of death is a strong one with me. I shall never know the bravery these men had to go to this length.

Still, while I honor their bravery, I cannot help but ask myself one simple word. Why? Why did they have to die so young? Why are we, as an armed country, still over in an equally armed on? Is the war not over?

A lot of people are dying needlessly and not in combat. Death in combat I can handle, but when you start talking about how this teenage Marine got killed in an ambush during peace, then we have a problem. I don't know what our Commander-And-Chief is doing, but he's obviously going to have to answer some questions to a few very upset people and families. I know I'm not the only one that feels like this.

All of a sudden, turning 21 seems special again. At least, given this point of view.

Brain Dead Yet Again

Did you ever have one of those moments when you just realized what you have done, or rather not done, several days later from when you were suppose to do them?

I just realized just a while ago that I forgot to give back my history teacher the books she let me borrow for my paper. The first thing I need to do when I get home is put all those books in my bag so that I won't forget. Then I'll need to put all my props in a bag for Drawing II's little video drawing. THEN I need to do some research on two artists, one I like and one I don't like.

Maybe then I can not be so stressed over things.

A Dollar Short And Just As Confused

No sooner when I finished my last blog did Aaron walk in. This is a different Aaron than the one I mentioned a long time ago in my blog. This Aaron is a really cute, kind of preppie, hot blond that just so happens to be in my history class. For a while, I've been trying to determine if he is gay or not, and it doesn't look like it. However, there are a few things that may suggest that he is in the closet and doesn't like being outed. While making casual conversation with him, I noticed several fluxes in his voice as well as how often he smiled. Posture was also sending off pings on the gay-dar. The thing is, Christina, who works pretty much side-by-side with Aaron, says that he probably isn't. I'm thinking he is just metrosexual.

To be quiet honest, I really don't know, but I sure as hell would like to know.

When you think you're done, you're not done.

I knew this would hold true for several things. Paintings, ideas, drawings, life in general.

Still, I never thought that this little mantra would end up causing me to waste a few hours of class flirting with a guy I don't even know if he is gay or not! All the while I was doing this, I was trying to figure out several things. Chief among them was the 3-D project I have. There was just something about it that didn't feel right about it.

Another thing that has been on my mind as of right now is Leo. I didn't get to talk to him as much as I wanted to over the weekend after I called it a day as far as my work goes. I don't function well when I'm ignored. Then again, I don't function well under most conditions that I don't find enjoyable in one form or another. It's the whole "attention hog" thing. Hopefully, this weekend will be different.

Burn a hole in my wallet, why don't you?

Today, I was able to go to OpryMills. The short of it, I didn't have fun nor did I find anything to buy. My $71 in my wallet will still remain in there for yet another day.

I did have my first "What the fuck?!" moment that I've been trying to find to help me produce a cartoon with some kind of social or political message.

Apparently, Tower sells porn (straight porn, much to my disappointment) right behind the family DVDs.

Yeah, that's really fucked up. I took a mental note and drew up a thumbnail in my head.

That's two cartoons I could produce.

Phase 2: Complete

I finished typing my Art HIstory paper faster than I thought. Seven hours of typing when the last one took at least ten. I guess it was because I knew what I was actually talking about this time around since cartoons and comics have been a part of my life since I could read.

So what's Phase 3? The visual representation. Time to read the news and and think of something to do as a political cartoon since I obviously have no time to do a full blown comic book littered with political issues all over the place.

But first, I need to relax!

And so it begins...

Imagine my surprise when I learn that not only does the DVD that I ordered not work on any of the computers, but also does not work on my parent's DVD set-top player. That means that the entire last 4 hours that I have gone through taking notes and things I had to do it in my aunt's room on her DVD player since that is the only one that will even play the DVD! Stupid, huh?

In any event, I have all the notes that I need from that DVD, so now if I want to watch it ever again, it will probably be for pleasure rather than for informational research. Tomorrow I plan on reading the four books my teacher let me borrow in hope for finding more content. I hope to find enough information to help me organize my text some for the actual writing portion of the paper I hope to do Saturday.

For now, though, I'm taking a break and calling it a day. I don't want to overwork myself to the point where I'm stressed out. At the same time, I don't want to cause my work to get piled up on me simply because I ended up falling into the Deadly Sin of sloth.

Here's hoping that my time management skills have improved.

No Joke

I never did like April Fool's Day. I was always the butt of anyone and everyone's joke.

Yesterday closed nicely for my birthday. We went to Outback Steakhouse because my sister insisted that we go out. After dinner, we dropped by Best Buy. My parents bought my present right then and there for me. In other words, I got to select what game I wanted. The only good one that I could get into without having to be a fan of the series (i. e. Final Fantasy, Yu-Gi-Oh!, etc.) was Pokemon Pinball. It's a whole lot simpler to the actual Ruby and Sapphire games, and easy to pick up as well as put down. Besides, I have this thing for pinball games.

My sister's ulterior motive was to give her friend that works at Best Buy something he needs for the test today.

Personally, I don't mind the fact that my parents couldn't think of what I would want on their own (or with my sister's help for that matter) or the fact we went to a restaurants that I don't really care for but always wanted to see what was inside. I don't really mind the fact that I got Pokemon Pinball and not School Tycoon. In fact, I like the game. School Tycoon would probably hinder what I've committed myself to do all weekend long. So, overall, a somewhat good birthday.

Now, starting the moment I get home, I'm going to have to go into overdrive with my Art History paper.

Read the above as a warning of some very stressed out and non-coherent blogs.