Rant # 185761

I woke up yesterday with a sense that life is worth living. I woke up today with a long list of things I just needed to get done. A shower. Get the laundry started. Brush my teeth. Check my blog for new comments. Check Zero's blog to see if she updated. Check Shem's blog to see if he updated. Hotmail. Yahoo. MouseInfo. SuperDudes. Neopets. Gaia. Dentist appointment at 14:30. Look for David online and if he doesn't show up, go to sleep.

Yesterday was so bright and sunny despite the forecast of rain. Today, the sky matches my mood. Dark and gloomy.

We talked last night. We talked about things we were going to do, things that were going to help me. I was happy. I was making stupid joke and not thinking. Not thinking was my mistake. A mistake that lead towards admittance of several truths.

David doesn't feel safe with me anymore. He says I have the makings for a serial killer. Overly dependent. No compassion. A skewed vision on reality with ideals that mask the truth I know so well.

I'm a bad person.

My father called asking for a sign to be printed out by my sister for the store saying they will be closed Friday. He then said that I should do it since I am up and on the computer. I said I was busy. He said I was lazy.

I am a lazy person.

In my dream last night, I was talking to someone about a subject I felt a great passion over. When I looked down to my notes to find something and then looked back up, no one was in the room.

I have no people skills.

The list goes on like a bad marching band at a slow march.

Whatever we had planned is off. Whatever hopes I had are gone. I used David the same way I used Dan. I used Dan the same way I use my parents. I cannot support myself. I will not be able to support myself. It is just not in me. I don't think I can.

People will see me as pathetic. No one likes dependent people. They are the very image of what we shouldn't be. They are made fun of and stereotyped to be the fat guy on the couch watching TV in their underwear because they don't feel anything they do can make an impact, that they cannot change. Unless you are a baby or a member of the class of elderly so old they can't go to the bathroom, you are pathetic if you are dependent. If you cannot drive, if you do not have a job, if you cannot hold your own, you are not worth anyone's time except those looking for something that will boost their self image of themselves because they feel they did something right and holy enough to secure a spot in Heaven.

They way I see it, no one is really independent. Movie studios depend on actors and writers to make films. Writers and actors depend on the movie studios to give them acting gigs so they can get what they need. The movie studios, actors, and writers depend on movie patrons to supply them with money. The movie patrons depend on another person to hire them so they can receive money. That person depends on the corporate company to supply the job and hire the job. That company, that person, and the movie patrons depend on the shopper to buy things from their services in order for them to receive a pay check. Those shoppers depend on a job to receive money to shop and pay bills. The bill collectors depend on reliable people to pay them so they can pay the higher ups as well as themselves so they can shop. And the cycle repeats itself under different titles of investors being depended on the rich and the rich being dependent on whatever made them rich to begin with, be it a bank account that is depended on the original person that opened the account so the bank will get more customers and stay open longer or some kind of business that supplies jobs to people that end up paying them back.

The logic's there. I know it is. But does it matter? No.

Independence is a false concept. Just like how I can say things about myself that are not true in the end, saying that you are independent because you can support yourself is nothing but a lie.

But, again, it doesn't matter. Because in the end everyone else is right and this strange, twisted, lonely little boy-of-a-man typing all this shit is wrong. He will always be wrong.

I will always be wrong.