"How do you know nothing bad will happen?"
"I don't."

That line was said in Disney and Pixar's Finding Nemo.

For the last few days now, I have been collecting what thoughts I could gather as to what it is I really want to do. Naturally, I don't think I even know if I really want to do what it is that I would like to do to begin with. It's the whole "Am I doing the right thing?" thing. I don't want anything bad to happen, but as my track record goes, I can't seem to stop that. It's kind of like trying to change a person who doesn't want to change. You can try and try, but in the end, you can't do it. The only way they would change is if they want to change.

I've said alot of things in my life. Some I mean, some I don't, some I regret that I ever said to begin with. But the strange thing is I don't really know what I'm capiable of anymore. I've spent so much of my life into something that I'm starting to think won't bare fruit. I've been investing my time into something that I foolishly thought would be benifitial to me. And I've done it so blindly that I failed to see what I have missed. Oppurtunities, changes, chances to be something. So many things. All gone because I decided to try something that I thought would go somewhere.

No matter what anyone says, everything you do in life is a risk. Even asking for the price of something is considered a risk. What is it you risk? Who knows. Big risks cost big and small ones are nearly insignificant. No one can say that you aren't a risk-taker. We all do something that we hope ends up where we want. That's what taking risks are all about. Trying to get where we want. So why don't we take more risks in our lives? Simple. Just the word "risk" strikes fear into the hearts of some, myself included. Risk seems to be associated with taking a great chance that could make or break you. The real question you have to ask yourself is what is there that you could lose? Money? Family? Life? Is any of that so important to you that you are willing to not take the risk for fear you could lose it? A great President once said that "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Apparently his words fell by the wayside to many. Even I have to question what he really means by that. Sure, he was speacking for his era and generation, but words like those seem to live on enternally. It would seem, though, that even though his words live on, the meaning does not.

Then there is insecurity. It comes from fear. Fear that you are not up to par with the ones around you. This generation seems to be bombarded with images of super thin models and men so lean and built it makes just even the average lanky person look like they are too fat or annarexic. The root of insecurity? I wish it was that easy to blame. The fact is, I see better looking people in the mall than I do in magazines. It is those people that cause insecurity. The real life, common, everyday, could-be-a-model-but-isn't kind of people that make you look in the nearest mirror and analyze yourself to the point of doing something stupidly extreme like having plastic surgery done because all but your calfs are perfect. People keep telling us that we have to be comfortable with ourselfs and the way we look. Being different is being beautiful.

The thing is about being different is that sometimes I can be an eyesore or a pain in the ass to where you can't stand it. It seems a bit hypocritical that, as a country, we try to say that we are for the people and of the people and everyone is equal when the said reality is that in some areas people aren't treated equally. Gays are bashed because they are seen as "unnatural" and are condemned by those of cloth on this Earth. Who is to say that they are God and that we are to be comdemned to begin with? What have we done to lose God's love? In this town, I can probibly tell you what race is dominate in what area just by looking at the street name. It makes me wonder if being different is a good thing or just a burden.

I'm one to talk about having a burden. What do I know about having such a big load on my shoulders that I'm not even sure if I'll have enough money to pay the bills tomorrow? I don't know anything. I know nothing about what it is to truely live. Who's fault is that? Mine, of course. Who do you think I would blame? My parents? Pointing fingers gets us nowhere. Sometimes it's just best to take the blame of everything. The world would be a better place if people just admitted that they are the ones in the wrong instead of blaming something or someone else.

I've done too many mistakes. I need to stop before I make another one. I really need to think about what I have going on around me and everything that I'm feeling and where I want things to go and where I would like them to go only to prepare for the exact opposite for what may happen. But I think I've already done that. I think I know what I need to do before I lose another oppurtunity and make another mistake.

I pray that I'm doing the right thing.