I haven't blogged in nearly a week. Damn you, RollerCoaster Tycoon.

Okay, so as usual when I blog I have alot on my mind and I feel like shit right now too. It's pretty much about last night and talking to the guys. It's my own damn fault anyways.

The blut end of it, if you will, is this. James, the best thing that has ever happened to me, has found someone. Yes, I know that was to be expected because I'm here and who I am and he's... well... he's an Adonis. I'm not bitter or depressed about it. I'm actually happy for him. I'm just starting to wonder where I fit into the mix now. Kind of questioning my purpose as to why I should even continue with this now that James has, what appears to be, a match.

That's when Dan made me feel like crap again. Not only him, but good ol' Andrew helpped too. If there was ever a person out there that could make me feel like shit and then make sense to me to the point where I see how stupid I am, it's these two. They both said that I was just being selfish with this whole thing. That if I did stop and just took whatever life gave me, good or bad, that I would be letting down not only Andrew and Dan but Jack as well. Jack has been my biggest fan and supporter this whole time!! The whole feeling alone and that I lost something made me stupid yet again making me forget the big picture. One of my more annoying traits about myself, if you will.

So now feeling stupid and like shit this morning, I blog whatever comes to my mind to get it out of my system before I start doing.... whatever it is I do here.

I'm still questioning my purpose though. Not really to the point where I'm stupid about it. Just the whole "What am I good for? Why am I so special?" I mean, I looked at myself in the mirror today and I'm not happy with the way I look. Granted I havent' shaved in a month or two, but that's because I've been lazy about it. My built is nothing that's all that great. I look like a deflated birthday cake if you ask me. And I swear at an angle it looks like I have "man tits." Okay, so maybe I'm being hard on myself. Maybe I'm being insecure the next level. I don't know. I just don't feel up to par with everyone I see. Oddly enough, I just thought that if someone like James would like me for who I am that I would feel special about it. The strange thing is, Jack is the one that feels that way. He likes me no matter what. Granted he's going to be a butthead about the way I look and give me hell about it like it's hazing night at a frat house. I was told he was going to do that... along with Andrew. But I have this odd feeling that if I got hurt by it and ran off or something stupid like that, Jack would be the first one to come find me. It's strange how I'm thinking about him this way. I guess it is because of how he said he would kick the asses of everyone in Nashville just to protect me. That and the fact that Dan and Andrew made me think about how stupid I am.

I don't have a boyfriend because I'm not out there looking. Maybe it's because that I know I can never find what I want. Yeah, I know that no one probibly can find what it is they want. Call me stupid again. Still, I just know that even if I find someone that is everything that I want, they won't like me the same way. I've said it once and I'll say it again. I might as well just give up on this whole love/boyfriend thing and just let that department of life happen on it's own. If someone falls in love with me to the point where they feel like I'm the one, cool. If not, that's okay too. I doubt there will be anyone with the same amount of patience in the world that could put up with me. Hell, knowing me, I wouldn't even have a clue if they are hitting on me or not! Well, at least if I was on my own without someone with me that could obviously see that I'm getting the look down.

Listen to me. I just sound more and more pathetic each and every time I say something! It's almost as if I am purposely pointing out all my bad qualities to where I hope pity is taken on me. I would love to have attention, there's no denying that. Pity is another thing. I have yet to experiace that where someone just hangs out because they pity me. Or maybe I have. I'm not sure. The thing is I have to remember is that I am nothing special. The reason I'm like the way I am is because it is my own damn fault. Good or bad, this is who I am because this is who I am. It's like that line from the new Suger Ray CD my sister has. "Whatever we are we are whatever we are we are."

Unbeknownst to the guys, I have literally destroying myself from the inside out. I've been on a strick diet of nothing but water and just one meal a day. It's the whole insecure thing. It's times like this I wish I had a personal trainer, but they cost so much. I don't know what I'm doing on my own. I never do. I just wish and dream and do all the stuff that I do that will get me nowhere in life. You can't really go anywhere on a dream. Well, not anywhere that's profitable at least. I mean, wishing won't get me over to where Jack and Dan are. I've been trying to get over there. The way that I've beend doing it is apparently the wrong way. At least, they think so.

That's another thing about me that I don't get. Why am I so impressionable and gullable and so easy to manipulate when I'm obviously smart enough to do and think things for myself and not give a damn about what other people say? I guess it's the sensative side of me. You know, that part that makes me break down at even the mildest of insults when no one is looking. I know it is that side that makes me turn to video games like a distrought alcoholic, since that is the one way I can get over something that totally wrecks me all to hell. Is it also responsible for me being so trusting or is that another thing entirely?

I think I've hit rock bottom with that one as far as trying to find myself. Now if only I was smart enough to figure out how to go about fixing it on my own. Actually, I am, it's just I won't know how to go about doing it short of something extreme like, I don't know, lyposuction or some kind of finishing school for the socially challenged.... if there even is such a place.