Have you ever done something that made you feel weak after you did it? I don't mean like weak like tired weak. I mean like weak like pathetic weak. It makes you feel like crap sometimes, huh? The kind where you just want to beat up someone but you know you can't even dent them. I feel like that almost all the time I try to get what I want but know I have to compromise or agree to somethign I don't want to. That makes me weak, doesn't it? How I can't fight back? It makes me pathetic.

I don't know why I'm even typing this down, but for some reason I was thinking about Jack and wondering what would happen if I did this and that and how he would react to it. The thing is, I don't know what will happen. No one does. For all I know, my luck could change for the better... or the worst. Jack may do what I think he may do or he could do something that I wasn't expecting. I'm leaning more to the "wasn't expecting" one.

Right now, I'm listening to music to calm myself down a bit. I talked to my parents about how I want to go up to Seattle and finally meet everyone and hang out and have fun. Dad got all miffed that I could be throwing away an oppurtunity to have fun and not care about schooling or anything like that. He said he was going to suggest that I go up there for a few weeks and then come back down to start school to Dan when he talks. I'm the only one down here, so for all I know he is probibly on the phone with him right now negotiating with Dan as I type this. Who knows. I sure don't. That's why I feel like I'm just pathetic right now.

I have one question though to ask the creater of life. That's right, God, this one is meant for you. What's wrong with having fun and trying to just enjoy everything that is out there? Why can't we just be ourselves instead of conform into this quasi-communistic lifestyle where we all have to have a job and have to have a higher education and have to do everything that everyone does? Why can't we just march to our own beat? Dance to our own song? Sing with our own words? I'm not saying that You don't let us. I know You do. I just want to know why the people here that You created won't let the few of us that want to rock the boat lean against the side of it for fear that our weight could tip it. Why must things be the way they are?

I used to think that you could do anything with just a dream. I know it's possible. If it wasn't, we wouldn't have America or Disney World or even airplanes or elevators. The thing is, those dreams were made real in a time when things like that could be done. Disneyland was made because no one had ever done it before and everyone wanted in on it because, even though they said that it wouldn't last, they knew it was a profitable dream. America was made because a large group of people dreamed of a place where they could practice the religion they want however they want instead of having to do whatever the man in chage told them to. The dream of flight and being able to soar with the birds helped make airplanes. Why is it that dreamers like those don't exisit now? One could argue with that saying that the dreamers of today are entrapanurs. I beg to differ. Those people are nothing more but people with an idea who's soul purpose is to make money out of it. I'm talking about the dreamers that don't care if they make money or not. The kind that do it because they want to see it become a reality be it just a popular novalty or a cultural icon in the end. Where are those kind of people these days? I'll admit, I have some pretty fantastic dreams of my own. Some I know could make a nice penny too if I went and marketed it. Do I care about that kind of thing? No. Yes, money is a needed evil in the world, but I don't really care about making it or gaining profit or anything like that. It sure as hell is going to make it hard to buy things and see movies and all that, but that's not my point. I'm just saying that all I want should I be able to make my dreams come true is to just see them come true, put a photo of it in a picture frame, and be able to look at it ten years down the road and say "Yes, that was my idea" and be able to say that with a smile so big it should be illegal. If that is asking too much, then someone smite me in my sleep tonight, please!

I have this strange feeling that I'm just blowing hot air with that. That all I'm saying is nothing more than foolish ambition. The kind that could get me killed. Still, there are several things I would love to do. Too many things really. I doubt I'll even get to see the most charitable of my ideas come true.

Speacking of which, I was also thinking about that today. I was watching an amature video of IllumiNations, a fireworks show that is done nightly at Disney's Epcot. It's a beautiful show that celebrates all of planet Earth and its wonders. Anyways, as I was watching, I began to think about something Russ told me a long time ago. He siad that there was a youth center that James knows of that could be good for me. And maybe if I work at it long enough, I could spoil the homeless kids that go there for shealther in a way that they have never been spoiled before. By taking them all to Disney World for a week and giving them back a part of their childhood that I know they never had. Giving some kind of magic back into their lives. Watching that video of IllumiNations made me think about how their faces would just light up and how happy they would be to be watching the show and enjoying it and the music and everything else that I would do for them on the trip out there. Try to get on the early morning safari at Animal Kingdom, a $1K shopping spree at Downtown Disney's Marketplace, dinner at the Coral Reef resturant which is a resturant surrounded on all sides by an aquarium of exotic fish, buying them photos from all the rides that offer them, front row tickets to Cirque du Solie. Whatever I could give them to make them happy. I would like it to be an annual thing too. Yes, it would be a big responsibility, but I don't care. I just want to give them something that would make them happy.

To dream the impossible dream...