And so, once again, I fucked up by saying something so stupid people couldn't believe it.

I was placed with a scenario just awhile ago.

My parents and I were going to sit down with Andrew, Aaron, and Jack at a dinner with Dan. They were going to defend me and my choice in life. I was asked if the conversation got to the point of debating each others opposing views (my parents vs. my own) if I would say anything. My answer was "probibly not." I was then asked if I would actually accept it if they all just walked away and labeled me as a lost cause. Of course I would have to. I would have to accept it.

Bad move.

This burned Dan the wrong way. He didn't like that idea that there were four people defending me and I wouldn't even say a word. On top of that, if things got to the point where they thought I was a lost cause, the fact that I would just accept it without fighting for what I want and go with my parents out of respect for them was like icing on the cake! They felt they didn't even need to talk to me anymore! Why bother when I've already answered everything they ever wanted to know what will happen?

Feeling defeated at this point, it would be easy for me to point out this and that and all my other mistakes that I made like I just did. I've done it before. I've even tried to "back-pedel" my way into saving face with whomever would be even reading this! I can't. The sad fact of the matter is that I simply can't. I screwed up yet again, and this time, I might as well just stop trying to fix something that is too far gone to fix. Nothing can save me now. Not even Jack who said that he'd protect me right or wrong. Nothing.

What bothers me is the fact that everything asked was all just hypothetical in nature. I wasn't thinking in realistic terms. I rarely do if ever. I'm a dreamer through and through. From balls to bone, if you will. I took everything as "what if"'s without even the slightest thought that they were feeling me out to see if this was worth their time or not. I answered truthfully because I had nothing else to go by. I wasn't told what people may say; I wasn't even projected a possible conversation in which I would have the oppurtunity to stand up for myself. All I was told was if the conversation got to the point of debating what I wanted to do with my parents saying no and everyone else saying he's old enough to do whatever he feels like doing. In my mind, my parents didn't have a leg to stand on. Apparently, neither do I know.

I'm just a big fool. I've been fooling myself this entire time. I'm so mad at myself right now, I could do something so stupidly rediculous it isn't even worth thinking about doing let alone blogging about it.

"Write and e-mail to someone." Dan might as well have added the words who cares to the end of that sentance. That's how it sounded like to me. The question is, who really does care? I don't anyone really gives a damn about my situation. If anything, they probibly think that it's just as pathetic as everyone else sees it. A boy twenty years of age and he can't stant up to his parents because he respects them too much to the point of putting himself and all he wants second to them. Probibly the greatest burden anyone could have put on anyone. And I had to put it on myself. If I get rewarded for being as pathetic as I am right now, I don't want it. Being this way, being this respectfull isn't worth any kind of reward of any kind be it something like cash or something grander like that. I don't care what anyone else says; it's stupid to think that being this way is worth any kind of reward.

I'm sorry, Jack. I really messed things up again for you. I disappointed you yet again. As a by-product, I pissed off your brothers and everyone else in between. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry I wasted your time, Jack. I really am. I was a fool to think that this could go somewhere when I guess it really can't. I'm sorry I won't be able to take you to Walt Disney World like I promised, like I've been promising. I'm sorry I won't be able to give you something that no one else can. But most of all, I'm sorry I'm just sorry. I love you tons, Jack. You're my little brother. I'll never forget you or the good times we had online. I'll think about you every day and night and will always wonder about you.

Listen to me. It's like I'm delivering a funeral speach. Jack's not dead, though. If anyone is dead, it's me.