Boredom strikes while I'm playing KaZaA node and listening to Atomic Kitten's "Right Now" on DDRFreak Radio.

I've been thinking about a few people today. In particular, Jack and James.

I learned last night that James wants me to be very close to him but not his boyfriend since he's obviously taken now. I'm cool with it. Still, though, you can't help but wonder. One person knows what he's up to, but I doubt I'll end up hearing what that is all about any time soon. For now, I think I'll just play dumb and take James on his word. You know, try not to read into it too much to the point where it's like disecting a live frog that hasn't been paralyzed and nailed down.

Jack, on the other hand, I've been thinking about because of how I want to take him to Disney World. I know, I made that promise to him last year and couldn't deliver, but I'm really trying now. I want to take him there. I've been planning for days what we were going to do park by park and day by day as best I could do. Andrew said something to me last night, though, that put everything into perspective. All this planning and research that I've been doing is nothing really useless unless I get up there to where Jack is. THEN we can plan and research and fine tune and everything that needs to be done, and THEN we'll be able to actually go. Only when I get up there will I be able to give Jack what I owe him. Only then will I be able to give him something no one can.

There are alot of things I want to do. Too many in fact. I want to be able to do this and that and the other. I want to buy these things, experiance these things, see these place. I know I probibly won't be able to. I know that eventually I'll have to come back to reality and do my duty. I know that I'll have to college eventually, which is what I want to do. The thing is, I just want to enjoy life for now before I go back to that dull part of life like I've never been able to do before. Call me greedy, but I haven't really been able to enjoy what is out there the way I want to. I always had to settle for second best or some kind of alternative like a video game or waiting for a movie to come out on sale instead of seeing it in theaters. It's better than nothing, but still. I guess I'm just like Belle. She once said that she wants something more than what everyone else has planned. Who wouldn't want that? To have more than what we want. Well, I don't want more than what's been planned. I just want to be able to have more of what life has to offer instead of being happy with B-rated things. Not that I'm saying anything bad about them or anything. Like I said, it's better than nothing. I should feel appreciative that I have what I have going for me. I am. I just want something more. Something that life has yet to give me. I don't know what that is. I probibly will live my whole life and not get it or know what it is. The one thing I know is that when I get it, I'll be able to die happy and proud. I would be able to point to it or tell people about it and actually feel like I have some worth. That would be something that would make my life heaven. For now, I enjoy what I can even though I want more than what I have or have enjoyed. It's better than nothing.

Whoa. That sounded so hypocritacal it was pathetic.

It's funny how much aware I am of my words this session. Normally, I just blog once and forget about it. I hate to say this, but I was about ready to delete that last paragraph untill I remembered that I haven't deleted anything from my blog short of a misspelling. I'd like to keep it that way even if it makes me into a horrible person or not. Pure and unedited. That's how life is. That's how this blog is going to be. Like it or leave it.