Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Why bother now?

My day was going so well, but, as you can probably find examples of in my blog archives, that doesn't mean it will end well.

My teacher pulled me aside and handed me a letter involving the mid-term presentation for Distinction. I didn't get it; I didn't expect to.

That's not what is bothering me. What's bothering me is why I didn't get it. I can understand if they felt my work up until that point wasn't at the level of execution they wanted, but the way it was explained to me is that my entire thesis is wrong. I even questioned this due to how it was explained. I didn't have creditable resources or not enough sources, and there was grammar issues that made understanding my first generation of the paper incomprehensible. But what about the thesis itself? Was there anything wrong with the thesis or was it all about the paper and presentation that was flawed? I never got a straight answer to that question.

All I was told was that the work didn't match their expectation and that what I had produced was not as engaging as the sculptures I'm working on. The installation needs to be installed in order for something, anything to be taken away from it. A two-category mock-up, no matter how well documented or photographed, won't cut it. I need to find a 10 ft. by 10 ft. by 10 ft. area to put the thing in even if that means intruding on a class. Then, I will be told what works and what doesn't when everything is in place. In other words, I should have set up my show by this week not for public exhibition but rather for editing purposes.

Furthermore, because my thesis was lacking, I need to start on beefing that up as well. More books, less online sites from dot com sites because of how it is implied they are not academically creditable (even the news articles from news sites that I used), and somehow fit Marx's Commodity Fetish into it to give it some philosophical if not socialogolical ground to stand on in the academic sense. Things I was planning on doing anyway but are now told me as if I was completely oblivious to the fact and wasn't doing them outside of my studio art work.

Now, I have a second option other than the "haul ass and get it done before the end of the first week of April" scenario. Continue working on refining the idea and not graduate until December. The idea of having more time to research and produce means more opportunities to make the thesis better and clearer to understand. But I've already put this much work into what I have now that taking this option would be an insult to all the time and energy before. If I knew I wasn't ready now, why didn't I know before the semester started? Why waste both my time and money?

I tried my best to stay calm during this, despite my teacher saying over and over again that this isn't meant to make me feel like I was being picked on or to get all beat up over. The car ride home caused an internal explosion of frustration that was exactly the same feeling I had at midterm during Seminar 2 last semester. Once again, I thought I was on the right path and was doing work I was not only proud of but could talk about on a college level. Something worthy of devoting a thesis paper and gallery to.

And I was told I'm doing it all wrong because I didn't get on some stupid track that is similar to a high school honors program in some respect. Why couldn't they just leave it at that and let me continue with what I was doing? While it isn't a required asset to graduate, I still feel like I'm being told what I've done isn't good enough because I didn't get considered for Distinction.

I'm still going through the motion while Skippy tries to cheer me up by jumping on my lap and curling under my arms while I try and type this. I think he can sense that something is wrong with me, because he's not acting as hyper as he usually does. While it helps, it's not putting any resolve to the matter.

My situation is this: I have a specialized, only-applying-to-me deadline. Post-Spring Break, my installation has to be up. I have to bring in the entire faculty to critique the work. This is priority one over the 2nd Generation of my thesis paper, revives artist statement, press release blurb, and any other paperwork that is also due post-Spring Break.

That's something not even the loving gaze from a one-year-old puppy can fix. And to think, originally I was going to blog about how I believe I officially forgot what sex feels like and is probably closer to a virgin than the porn stars that play them.
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3 comments:

Robert Stone said...

Jon,

This blog post sounds reasonably calm considering what it is saying.

Once we learn the basics (reading and writing and arithmetic) school is mostly about whether we can deal with all the frustrations of paperwork and deadlines and guidelines and reviews and theses and such. If one jumps through enough hoops quick enough and gracefully enough, one gets degrees and honors and such.

I am pretty good at grammar and revising papers. I generally go over a weekly column one of my friends has been writing for three years now. I would be willing to go over your writing looking for grammar and structure problems.

I am sure Jason will have some words of wisdom regarding the other matters.

Robert

March 12, 2008 10:26 PM
Anonymous said...

Hey Jon,

I feel like you've come a long way since last semester. You have begun organizing your thoughts, you've chosen a subject that drives your work, and you've begun exploring relationships between the "stuff" you're making and some really interesting theory.

From the way you've presented this letter, you have two choices.

First option: you can "haul ass" as you say and try to pull together as much as you can by April. I believe you can do this if you want to and let that decision really drive you with fervor and conviction and determination.

Second option: hit the pause button. Take a serious step back from the situation. Remove yourself from the personal disappointment that views this as a "setback." Consider the ways this obstacle might actually help you out. This challenge has been placed on your shoulders because someone is trying to communicate something to you. Figure out what that is and meditate on it.

I didn't start to "get it" until my very last semester. Up to that point I was going through the motions of what I thought they expected of me, and fortunately somehow I was inching through the hoops and requirements. Was I doing well? Hell no. Were Terry and Barbara pointing this out to me? Constantly. And it was depressing and frustrating and all I wanted was to be done with it all.

But when I got it, I realized how much more I needed to explore and develop - by then it was too late and I was graduated. If you remember I continued to work well into the semester AFTER my official graduation date to complete work for my senior show. And I have purposefully selected a graduate program that is four years long (twice as long as most graduate programs) because I want to take advantage of having all the time I need to develop within the safety and constructive environment of school. What they are offering to you is a chance to take more time to refine your exploration. Here is the chance to take a summer and another semester to continue letting these ideas simmer without the pressure of having to finish the work, the paper and all the superfluousness in only three rushed, forced, and clumsy weeks. Holy God Almighty why would you want to risk your integrity, your reputation like that? This public presentation attests to your skill level, your competency as an artist, the standards of quality that you have established for yourself. By no means is it a setback to be given more time. If an actor hasn't learned his lines well enough for a play, consider it an honor for them to postpone the production for him so he doesn't make an ass of himself onstage. This is why I've selected a longer graduate program. This is why taking the longer route might be helpful for you as well. You and I are a lot alike, remember.

Consider this an opportunity to sharpen your focus. Take advantage of this interest that Jack & Co. is taking in helping you articulate yourself through your work. Jack is brilliant, as an artist and a discusser of art. Spend the summer and fall semester soaking in what he's trying to convey to you, and when you find yourself resisting his advice, remind yourself how much he has to offer. If he says a scale model is an inadequate attempt at figuring out the logistics of your presentation (not only inadequate but it sends the message of laziness to your instructors) then go with what he says and build the full-scale version.

As far as grammatical errors and references for your paper I'm not about to say "I told you so." But I would like to point out that while my original editing might have seemed "nit-picky" I was only trying to resolve those problems before you presented them to the panel. The success of a thesis relies on the structure of your thought and the way you present your ideas - including grammar. It stands out before anything else. So when they are offering criticisms against these seemingly minor issues, what they are telling you is this "You might have a good idea, but you are not conveying it in a way that we can enter it into an academic discussion" which is the whole point of the BFA.

I feel terrible that you've reached such a dramatic challenge at this point. It seemed as if the end was in sight. But at least your options are clear. If you maintain a positive attitude - and I mean really positive... shake off your usual negativity and cynicism and really look for the good side of things - then I know you can make either option (April or December) turn into a really good show.

As always I'm here for support, discussion, editorial comments or constructive criticism - IF you promise that you'll be open to discussion and not shoot everything down with reasons why it won't work (that's the negativity that's going to sink your ship).

Hang in there, Jon. I really believe you can do it if you want to.

March 13, 2008 1:16 AM
Robert Stone said...

Jon says obstacles,
Robert hurdles, and Jason
opportunities.

I kept thinking about what Jason wrote as I was on my way to my cardiac rehab exercise class. I keep thinking that I think that Jason is amazing.

Thank heavens he is your friend. Thank heaves he tolerates me.

Robert

March 13, 2008 8:42 AM

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