My creative energy seems to be failing me today. It’s only been two hours since I started working in the studio today, and I can already feel the energy slipping away.
All the while, the burning question in the back of my head keeps coming back over and over and over. What does my art mean to me? Does it mean anything to me?
The only answer I can give myself is an honest and blank “I don’t know.” I lack a personal connection to it other than the fact that I made it, and yet I know that isn’t enough to give it any kind of meaning outside of sentimental value.
I kept looking at the work I had finished to see if there was any meaning to me, but all I saw was one sculpture about my sexual frustration and one sculpture about my want for attention. But that’s a new thesis entirely, and I really don’t want to rewrite the whole damn thing over again with new research only to find out what I researched isn’t enough and all that going-on’s.
These past few weeks have made me forget so many things. I’ve forgotten what sex is like. I’ve forgotten what a really good and deep sleep is like, as well as that feeling of waking up refreshed and ready for the day. I even forgot about my own birthday that’s coming up until my mom reminded me! There are some days I’m working so hard I forget what my thesis is.
Why? Because of my work? Because of the stuff I actually want to create? Because I’m so hell-bent on trying to graduate now? Or because I’m so confused that I don’t even know what I want anymore?
I don’t know. I honestly do not know anymore.
Expressing honest thoughts to everyone and no one at the same time.
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2008
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March
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- Birthday Thoughts
- A&E: Avatar and Explination
- The List (Part 2)
- The List (Part 1)
- No Work and No Play
- I honestly do not know!
- Focus Deferred
- 12 Hour Studio Day
- No Leg To Stand On
- Paper: DONE! Art: None?
- Art? What Art?
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- Porn Subculture & The Online Youth
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- Part of Me @ Odds
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- How Quickly the Weak Fall
- What we have here is a failure to communicate.
- No Help, No Choice
- Why bother now?
- Good-Bye Virtual Magic Kingdom
- Avatar Sculptures Update
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- It's Finally My Turn
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1 comment:
Jon,
I can remember when I used to procrastinate and then be overwhelmed. My solution was just to throw up my hands and forget everything for a little while and then see what could be done.
Could it be that because you have not pursued asking what your art means to others that you feel forced to rely on what it means to you alone?
Once something is finished it is not likely to have a personal connection such as existed while it was in process. I always felt that way about things I created for church services. Once I had finished one project, I was ready to go on to the next. Actually hearing the performance was just something that would happen and that might or might not go as I had originally envisioned it.
There is always more than one way to connect the dots. It appears that you have seen a new light illuminating your work and that that new light doesn't shine on your thesis. What to do? Finish it up as best you can and go on to a new creative life? Slow down (as Jason keeps saying) and wait to see if the old creative life and the new one will show you their connection?
Jason will, not doubt, have some important things to say about this.
Robert
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