Normally, today would be my Research day where I work on the paper portion of my thesis. But, seeing how the entire department is off on a trip to NYC because of a major art opening, class was cancelled. Which left today open for work as we would feel fit.
That said, I didn't do much work today at all. In fact, I've been avoiding it as best as I could simply because I can't bare to face it anymore. Yesterday's lack of creativity and lack of personal connection to my work put a lot of things into perspective.
I don't know where my interests are anymore.
I don't know what drives me to create things.
I don't know why I wanted to be an artist in the first place.
It's a really bad place to be in. The area of indecision is like a huge gray area with neither sky or land or sea or direction as to what is up or down or east or west. It's what I believe Purgatory or at least Limbo is like.
I told a few people this already, but I might as well air the dirty laundry in the front yard. I knew this was going to happen. I knew ever since I was given the choice of either getting everything together or trying again next semester. The shattered, rushed, panicked, whatever you want to call this feeling has rocked the very core of my being to the point where no amount of positive thinking can help me out of it.
I can't concentrate on my theme park project.
I haven't even touched my last fireworks show.
I find little enjoyment now in the video games I play.
All I want to do is sleep and not wake up again. And I knew this was going to happen too. I just want to quit.
Expressing honest thoughts to everyone and no one at the same time.
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2 comments:
Jon,
Jason told me to make positive comments on your blog posts. I am thinking hard but this time you are testing me.
In the past I have felt this way: felt that I wanted to go to sleep and never do anything else again.
But things will get better.
And you will be better than ever.
Do you dance? If so, dance. If not, get up and pretend!
Robert
Hi Jon,
Robert is one of the most positive, encouraging, optomistic people I know. If he doesn't have some helpful advice, we're all in trouble!
But wait. Everything is going to be okay. Do I have any wisdom for you in this time of frustration and panic? I wish I did. Here is all I can come up with, and I hope it makes you feel better. It actually pertains to the title of this blog entry "No Work, No Play" as a playful variation of the famous James Howell quote in 'Proverbs in English, Italian, French and Spanish' (1659), "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." Clever. Something to consider for your "work" is that artists (even art students) have the delightful benefit of their "work" also being "play." And their "play" is their "work." I'm not suggesting that there's no work involved in art - it's gruesome, arguably more tedious and stressful than any other profession sometimes. However, it gives us the same elation, the same sense of discovery, the same inspired fulfillment that result from acts of play. Our play is our work. Why more people haven't caught onto that and saturated the world with professional artists, I can't figure out.
My point is this: if none of your current work is grounded in play, start figuring out how to incorporate some fun into it. Sure it takes discipline and focus, you have to make yourself do it even when you don't always feel like it. But ultimately it's the thing you'd be thinking about if you were just sitting in a waiting room somewhere. It's what you'd be doing with your hands if you happened to have a pencil and paper in a long boring lecture. It's your default position.
So you see, you can't quit, even if you want to.
Robert's advice is actually perfect. If you can't do something, pretend like you can. Eventually you'll realize that you aren't pretending anymore, that you're actually doing it. A writer whose name I forgot a long time ago once said in an interview that the only way to become a short story writer was to PRETEND to be a short story writer. These words have inspired me in some of my most discouraged times - "the way to becoming is pretending."
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