And so, once again, I fucked up by saying something so stupid people couldn't believe it.

I was placed with a scenario just awhile ago.

My parents and I were going to sit down with Andrew, Aaron, and Jack at a dinner with Dan. They were going to defend me and my choice in life. I was asked if the conversation got to the point of debating each others opposing views (my parents vs. my own) if I would say anything. My answer was "probibly not." I was then asked if I would actually accept it if they all just walked away and labeled me as a lost cause. Of course I would have to. I would have to accept it.

Bad move.

This burned Dan the wrong way. He didn't like that idea that there were four people defending me and I wouldn't even say a word. On top of that, if things got to the point where they thought I was a lost cause, the fact that I would just accept it without fighting for what I want and go with my parents out of respect for them was like icing on the cake! They felt they didn't even need to talk to me anymore! Why bother when I've already answered everything they ever wanted to know what will happen?

Feeling defeated at this point, it would be easy for me to point out this and that and all my other mistakes that I made like I just did. I've done it before. I've even tried to "back-pedel" my way into saving face with whomever would be even reading this! I can't. The sad fact of the matter is that I simply can't. I screwed up yet again, and this time, I might as well just stop trying to fix something that is too far gone to fix. Nothing can save me now. Not even Jack who said that he'd protect me right or wrong. Nothing.

What bothers me is the fact that everything asked was all just hypothetical in nature. I wasn't thinking in realistic terms. I rarely do if ever. I'm a dreamer through and through. From balls to bone, if you will. I took everything as "what if"'s without even the slightest thought that they were feeling me out to see if this was worth their time or not. I answered truthfully because I had nothing else to go by. I wasn't told what people may say; I wasn't even projected a possible conversation in which I would have the oppurtunity to stand up for myself. All I was told was if the conversation got to the point of debating what I wanted to do with my parents saying no and everyone else saying he's old enough to do whatever he feels like doing. In my mind, my parents didn't have a leg to stand on. Apparently, neither do I know.

I'm just a big fool. I've been fooling myself this entire time. I'm so mad at myself right now, I could do something so stupidly rediculous it isn't even worth thinking about doing let alone blogging about it.

"Write and e-mail to someone." Dan might as well have added the words who cares to the end of that sentance. That's how it sounded like to me. The question is, who really does care? I don't anyone really gives a damn about my situation. If anything, they probibly think that it's just as pathetic as everyone else sees it. A boy twenty years of age and he can't stant up to his parents because he respects them too much to the point of putting himself and all he wants second to them. Probibly the greatest burden anyone could have put on anyone. And I had to put it on myself. If I get rewarded for being as pathetic as I am right now, I don't want it. Being this way, being this respectfull isn't worth any kind of reward of any kind be it something like cash or something grander like that. I don't care what anyone else says; it's stupid to think that being this way is worth any kind of reward.

I'm sorry, Jack. I really messed things up again for you. I disappointed you yet again. As a by-product, I pissed off your brothers and everyone else in between. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry I wasted your time, Jack. I really am. I was a fool to think that this could go somewhere when I guess it really can't. I'm sorry I won't be able to take you to Walt Disney World like I promised, like I've been promising. I'm sorry I won't be able to give you something that no one else can. But most of all, I'm sorry I'm just sorry. I love you tons, Jack. You're my little brother. I'll never forget you or the good times we had online. I'll think about you every day and night and will always wonder about you.

Listen to me. It's like I'm delivering a funeral speach. Jack's not dead, though. If anyone is dead, it's me.

I think I actually lost an inch off my waist size!

I had a chance to do some DDR today at the mall while my sister went to buy monkey P. J.'s (don't ask) and my mom bought make-up (which is odd in itself, if you ask me). I noticed something odd about my preformance. Not only was the quarters and my wallet weighing me down, but my pants were lower than usual by about a good inch or so. The elastic band of my boxers would be exposed if I lifed my shirt any. It kind of messed me up when I had to do some jumps on some of the songs. I think this means I'm actually getting thinner even if it is slowly.

Another good thing that came out of today is that I made $1.50 in profit! It came from the game money I was given by my mother. I think she is trying to be nice to me as a way to keep me around, but that would be reading too much into it. In any event, I had fun for the first time in a long time.

All's well that ends well, I guess.

Boredom strikes while I'm playing KaZaA node and listening to Atomic Kitten's "Right Now" on DDRFreak Radio.

I've been thinking about a few people today. In particular, Jack and James.

I learned last night that James wants me to be very close to him but not his boyfriend since he's obviously taken now. I'm cool with it. Still, though, you can't help but wonder. One person knows what he's up to, but I doubt I'll end up hearing what that is all about any time soon. For now, I think I'll just play dumb and take James on his word. You know, try not to read into it too much to the point where it's like disecting a live frog that hasn't been paralyzed and nailed down.

Jack, on the other hand, I've been thinking about because of how I want to take him to Disney World. I know, I made that promise to him last year and couldn't deliver, but I'm really trying now. I want to take him there. I've been planning for days what we were going to do park by park and day by day as best I could do. Andrew said something to me last night, though, that put everything into perspective. All this planning and research that I've been doing is nothing really useless unless I get up there to where Jack is. THEN we can plan and research and fine tune and everything that needs to be done, and THEN we'll be able to actually go. Only when I get up there will I be able to give Jack what I owe him. Only then will I be able to give him something no one can.

There are alot of things I want to do. Too many in fact. I want to be able to do this and that and the other. I want to buy these things, experiance these things, see these place. I know I probibly won't be able to. I know that eventually I'll have to come back to reality and do my duty. I know that I'll have to college eventually, which is what I want to do. The thing is, I just want to enjoy life for now before I go back to that dull part of life like I've never been able to do before. Call me greedy, but I haven't really been able to enjoy what is out there the way I want to. I always had to settle for second best or some kind of alternative like a video game or waiting for a movie to come out on sale instead of seeing it in theaters. It's better than nothing, but still. I guess I'm just like Belle. She once said that she wants something more than what everyone else has planned. Who wouldn't want that? To have more than what we want. Well, I don't want more than what's been planned. I just want to be able to have more of what life has to offer instead of being happy with B-rated things. Not that I'm saying anything bad about them or anything. Like I said, it's better than nothing. I should feel appreciative that I have what I have going for me. I am. I just want something more. Something that life has yet to give me. I don't know what that is. I probibly will live my whole life and not get it or know what it is. The one thing I know is that when I get it, I'll be able to die happy and proud. I would be able to point to it or tell people about it and actually feel like I have some worth. That would be something that would make my life heaven. For now, I enjoy what I can even though I want more than what I have or have enjoyed. It's better than nothing.

Whoa. That sounded so hypocritacal it was pathetic.

It's funny how much aware I am of my words this session. Normally, I just blog once and forget about it. I hate to say this, but I was about ready to delete that last paragraph untill I remembered that I haven't deleted anything from my blog short of a misspelling. I'd like to keep it that way even if it makes me into a horrible person or not. Pure and unedited. That's how life is. That's how this blog is going to be. Like it or leave it.

I just learned today via that group I'm a member of in Yahoo! that Troy injured himself during weight training and seems to have retired for the time being while he heals and concentraits on school. My well wishes that he recovers.

I also learned from the news group that he's a really cool guy in person. Like I'll ever meet him.

Well, just like I thought, when I told mom in my own suttle way (I told her that she won't like my room now since she is cleaning it in preperation for a few house guests), she put two and two together and found out that I was packed and ready to leave. She went into "You got school!" mode. I just replied with a cold "So?"

I feel weird doing this. Almost like an out of body experiance. It's like I'm not myself right now. I look like I used to; I sound like I used to; I just don't feel like I used to. It's like something inside of me, something I never knew I had, took over. I don't know what that is.

I feel rather confused and scared right now. Scared of the unknown. Humans fear what they don't understand. To fear the unknown is natural. Still, I just need some kind of security blanket. Something or someone to tell me that it will be okay. That I'll be fine in the end. Some kind of reassurance.

I don't know, I'm being stupid again.

Have you ever felt so weak to the point where you crumble to the people in power even though you don't like what they are doing for whatever reasons those may be? I think we all have. It's called "being unable to vote." Okay, Daria-esc humor aside. I can't help but wonder about how much of a pussy I am. I don't know why, but it seems that even though I want to do my own thing my own way I can't. This should bother me, and it does, but only for a little while. Then I just take it as is. Dan said once that if I was given the oppurtunity to take charge, I would. No arguement there. The thing is, will I ever be able to? Oh, sure, maybe if I get to take a certain someone to a certain park in a certain city in a certain state somewhere that I know I've meantioned here one too many times. But will that be the only time? Will that be the one chance I'll get to be in charge? Who knows.

As ordered by Russ; Dan; Josh; and pretty much everyone else, I packed what things I couldn't live without for whatever reasons. Just little special momentos like my slightly dirty Tails plushie from back when Christmas was on a $10 budget and my sister went out of her way to get me it even though the price tag was like $15 and the little Mickey plushie I was going to spring on Jack when I first saw him. I'm not going to really pack any clothes short of my Italian leather jacket, my Senior year prep hat, and my Disney lanyard (if that can be counted as clothing). I know that I'll end up getting a better set of clothes than this whole white shirt and blue jeans get up I'm always wearing like a cartoon character. Other than that, I'm pretty much set to go. I have all my video games still packed in the iMac box. All I need is a pair of muscle boy movers to pick it and my trunk up and help me move it out.

Sometimes we have to do the things we don't like because it is those things that help us grow and become better people.

I keep making things worst when I don't mean to. Why? Why do I keep doing that? I want to come off one way, but then it comes off as something totally different. I come off as offensive when I'm not trying to be; I come off as not taking things seriously when I am; I come off as dark and in a mood when all I'm really doing is just thinking really hard. Why is it that I can't reflect the things and actions and thoughts of mine the way that I want them to be? I'm not talking about online exclusively. I know I've covered that here at least a dozen times. I've noticed that I do the same thing in person, particularly in my own family. My sister would get annoyed at me because of the way I'm trying to help her. My mom will think I'm joking when I'm trying to be serious. What is the deal with how I come off to people? Am I really that bad socially and I've yet to realize it? I can't be that bad. I mean, if I was, I wouldn't be talking to anyone! Even online!! So if I'm not socially declined to the level of a rock, then what is my problem? Why do I keep doing this? Why do I come off so backwards when I don't mean to?

I just don't get it. Sad to say, I probibly never will either. I mean, if I can't figure out what the root of the problem is to fix it, how can I fix it? It's like trying to sow a custom made suit without the mesurements of the guy that is going to wear it. You can't do it without something to go by. If you did, you wouldn't know if you were doing it right. That's partly why I don't try excersising. I don't know what I'm doing or if it will help me any. Okay, I know it will help me some, but I still don't know what I'm doing. If I do know what I'm doing like how I drink water to flush out what fat I can, then I can do it with no worry. That's how I work.

I know that how I work is probibly pathetic by most if not all standards of living. That probibly explains why I'm in the state that I am in life. If it doesn't, then I don't know what will.

My mother is crazy. This comfirms it.

Just awhile ago, I went to the store to check out some of the computers that a company is auctioning off because they filed bankruptcy. The desktop computers were all a bust as far as what they had out there. Don't get me wrong. The specks and numbers were all really good. It's just, none of them caught my interest like this one laptop they have. It was a Compaq with almost anything and everything on it for a mordern work/company laptop. All the bays you'll need, USB, even a one-touch media button set up! They estimate it will bring in about $300. Since I only have $19 in my wallet, that counts me out.

During a downtime in the lunch rush in the store, my mother tells me about this idea of hers. She says that since we are in the same market as those that cater to dinner needs as far as food goes that we should have like a dinner meal to go special and that we should experiment with the idea of what to serve at home first. I knew the moment she told me this that I was going to be involved one way or the other. She wants to send me off to that culinary school she found just so I can cook all the gourmet meals. I told her that I don't have to go because all we are doing is experimenting with this idea, like all the other ideas that go nowhere. I also told her that she was going to have to buy me alot of food items I know we don't have. Hey, come on, what's the point of preparing a meal if you don't have the right ingrediants? She told me she wants one meat, one chicken, and one fish dish. Fish I think I can do if I'm not distracted. All I have to remember is what Dan did that one night with the salmon steak. Chicken I know I can do... but it requires beer. Meat I think I can pull off... but it requires Jack Daniel's no. 7 whiskey. In the mists of it all, I started to run down some stuff that I want to experiment also as a side or as a meal in itself. I kept telling my mother that she is going to regreat putting me on this since I plan to buy alot of food I know she doesn't have here already. It got to the point where she said that she'd do the cooking. As pleasing as this was to hear, for some reason I wasn't happy when she said that. Go figure. I actually wanted to show off some to her since she's missed me actually cooking for two nights. So, as far as I know, tomorrow we are going to shop for items and I'm going to cook since tonight we are eating out.

Later, on our way home, we stopped by Target to pick up that trunk I was eying and getting depressed about. The strange thing is, my mother said that I've been nagging about it for the longest time. If I remember correctly, I haven't talked to her about it since the day I found it there for $30!! What has she been sniffing? Frankly, I think her wires were crossed, because the only thing I've been nagging to her about recently is about how much food she is going to by for the experiment.

In any case, I finally got that trunk I want.

Okay, so yesterday the Cowboy Bebop Movie DVD came out. I went with my sister to Best Buy since she was going to get a CD there. Guess what? She bought me the movie!

Today, I walked to the bank and withdrew $20 to pay her back. I put it into the mouth or her dead monkey alarm clock. No the alarm clock isn't of a dead monkey. It's a monkey alarm clock with a dead battery.

The movie was great! Simply great! I've seen the Japanese cut of it off of KaZaA, which I think was a rough edit of the film since there were some scenes in this version that I didn't see at first. That alone help me get throught he movie. Plus, it's in English, which means I don't have to worry about looking at the bottom of the screen to read all those subtitles just so I know what they are saying. Great lines too. I hope this wins some kind of award if it doesn't get nominated.

Speeking of movies, last night I was all over KaZaA trying to find porn to watch. I've been sexually deprived for a long time, and it peaked (no pun intended) last night. The sad thing is, I think I've been all over what porn I could get from KaZaA. At least, all the good stuff like College Fuck Fest or even Sean Cody. The Bait Bus got old after awhile. On top of that the girls got klepto and started stealing from their victems. I even looked at some of the stuff that I can't really talk about here! None of it was worth my time. It seems that the porn I get for free isn't all that great compared to the ones that I could buy today if I had the cash. You know which ones I'm talking about. I blogged about it at least once or twice. Maybe even five times knowing how I can't take my eyes off of Troy Baker from BG East. I guess it's like the old saying goes. "You get what you pay for."

Oh well, this is just another one of my problems. Just another one of many.

You would think I would have learned my lesson about downloading games off of KaZaA by now given what happened the last time. Nope.

Last night, I had to download Microsoft's Zoo Tycoon off of KaZaA. I mean, hey, they aren't going to release a bundle pack out any time soon since I bet they love the fact that people have to pop out $60 just to get the most of the game title, expansion packs and all. Well, that was a stupid thing to do. The download I got was so glitchy, it was pathetic. Icons didn't show, the computer's AI didn't do what it was suppose to do, the animals were dumber than usual (one of the Tomson's Gazelles couldn't find food that was right in front of it!). It was just sad.

Too bad I'm trying to hold out untill Pirates comes out in theathers.

Isn't it funny how one minute you can be on the top of the world and then the next you are at rock bottom? Why is that? Someone always has to knock you down. Some may say that it is because you let them knock you down. Others may say it is because they are right and you are wrong even though you were right for just a few seconds. Still others would say that they are more deserving than you are.

Whatever the case may be, it still will always happen. Even though you may claim you are the best in the world, there is always someone better than you. I've learned that a long time again. And like the other lessons before that, the hard way too.

Last night, I pretty much saved Jack from being sent off to be with his mother after pissing off Dan. I actually made Dan feel like shit, if you want to look at it in another light. See, Jack isn't like the normal boys out there. Of course, who am I to say what is normal to begin with since I'm so different it's pathetic. Anyway, the way he's been raise is as if he is being groomed since he was old enough to walk for something great.... which he is, but since he was young he always had to make his bed, eat a certain kind of breakfast, and, in general, be an adult in a child's body. Now, just recently, Jack's been putting off fixing his bed, eating cereal instead of a balanced organic breakfast, and putting off things that he doesn't deem important. Just like any other regular American boy. That was Dan's original job. He succeeded. He was just blind to it and thought Jack was pulling off the same old shit that he used to do whenever he doesn't do what he's told. What regular boy does what he is told the first time? Even I have to be told half the time another two or three times before I actually get up and do something. Half the time it is because I don't hear what they are saying to me. Jack has become a regular boy. And it took this regular boy to tell the person that was trying to get Jack there this? How ironic.

My little proud moment of last night.

The rest of the night, I don't want to remember. I will say this. Andrew was right. I don't have a plan.

I went and weight'd myself today. I'm back to the 150 pound range I was back in October. Six pounds gone in roughly... oh... I don't know. I've been on a water diet for a while now, and I lost track of when I started. I probibly blogged about it, but I'm too lazy to look though all those posts even with a search filter.

You know, I don't know why I'm still doing this now that James has himself the most perfect boy in the world for him. The good thing about him getting hitched up is now I can grow my hair back out to where I like it. I miss my pony-tail. It was the only other thing about me physically that actually got some attention. Mostly because of how it looked like velvate. My sister took at stab at me and said that means my hair looks fake. Whatever. I miss it.

It's amazing how much a mushroom quesidilla can make me feel worlds better.

Ever been labeled something you never said you were only to be blamed for fooling the other person because they thought that you are something that you are not? It's more than likely their fault for thinking you were something you never said you were, right? What if you came off like how the person thought you were but never meant to fool them or trick them into thinking that you are something you're not? Who's really at fault? The other person, right? Did you purposely mean to fool them? No, you're the innocent one.

So what's the deal with all these mislabeling? Why do we even have labels to begin with for people? Labels as far as I'm concern should be for food and clothing and toys. Not people. To label people would be to put them into a catagory that could be easy to water down or ignore altogether. That's why some people are the way they are today. That's why some people still say "black" or "white" or "striaght" or "gay." We're putting labels on things that really shouldn't have labels nor should really matter. So what if someone is a different skin tone than you are? So what if someone is a different gender than you are? So what if someone doesn't follow your beliefs? Why do you need to label that person? Who gave you the right?

I've been on both sides of the coin on this subject. Neither side is better than the other. With the labeling comes alot of things, like anger for being called something you're no matter how many times you say you are not. Being the one that labels people only shows your ignorances in whatever it is that even possessed you to label someone. So why don't we just retact all the labels? We can't. We never will untill we can see pass our own faults and flaws and stop thinking that we are better than everyone else. I have.

Have you ever done something that made you feel weak after you did it? I don't mean like weak like tired weak. I mean like weak like pathetic weak. It makes you feel like crap sometimes, huh? The kind where you just want to beat up someone but you know you can't even dent them. I feel like that almost all the time I try to get what I want but know I have to compromise or agree to somethign I don't want to. That makes me weak, doesn't it? How I can't fight back? It makes me pathetic.

I don't know why I'm even typing this down, but for some reason I was thinking about Jack and wondering what would happen if I did this and that and how he would react to it. The thing is, I don't know what will happen. No one does. For all I know, my luck could change for the better... or the worst. Jack may do what I think he may do or he could do something that I wasn't expecting. I'm leaning more to the "wasn't expecting" one.

Right now, I'm listening to music to calm myself down a bit. I talked to my parents about how I want to go up to Seattle and finally meet everyone and hang out and have fun. Dad got all miffed that I could be throwing away an oppurtunity to have fun and not care about schooling or anything like that. He said he was going to suggest that I go up there for a few weeks and then come back down to start school to Dan when he talks. I'm the only one down here, so for all I know he is probibly on the phone with him right now negotiating with Dan as I type this. Who knows. I sure don't. That's why I feel like I'm just pathetic right now.

I have one question though to ask the creater of life. That's right, God, this one is meant for you. What's wrong with having fun and trying to just enjoy everything that is out there? Why can't we just be ourselves instead of conform into this quasi-communistic lifestyle where we all have to have a job and have to have a higher education and have to do everything that everyone does? Why can't we just march to our own beat? Dance to our own song? Sing with our own words? I'm not saying that You don't let us. I know You do. I just want to know why the people here that You created won't let the few of us that want to rock the boat lean against the side of it for fear that our weight could tip it. Why must things be the way they are?

I used to think that you could do anything with just a dream. I know it's possible. If it wasn't, we wouldn't have America or Disney World or even airplanes or elevators. The thing is, those dreams were made real in a time when things like that could be done. Disneyland was made because no one had ever done it before and everyone wanted in on it because, even though they said that it wouldn't last, they knew it was a profitable dream. America was made because a large group of people dreamed of a place where they could practice the religion they want however they want instead of having to do whatever the man in chage told them to. The dream of flight and being able to soar with the birds helped make airplanes. Why is it that dreamers like those don't exisit now? One could argue with that saying that the dreamers of today are entrapanurs. I beg to differ. Those people are nothing more but people with an idea who's soul purpose is to make money out of it. I'm talking about the dreamers that don't care if they make money or not. The kind that do it because they want to see it become a reality be it just a popular novalty or a cultural icon in the end. Where are those kind of people these days? I'll admit, I have some pretty fantastic dreams of my own. Some I know could make a nice penny too if I went and marketed it. Do I care about that kind of thing? No. Yes, money is a needed evil in the world, but I don't really care about making it or gaining profit or anything like that. It sure as hell is going to make it hard to buy things and see movies and all that, but that's not my point. I'm just saying that all I want should I be able to make my dreams come true is to just see them come true, put a photo of it in a picture frame, and be able to look at it ten years down the road and say "Yes, that was my idea" and be able to say that with a smile so big it should be illegal. If that is asking too much, then someone smite me in my sleep tonight, please!

I have this strange feeling that I'm just blowing hot air with that. That all I'm saying is nothing more than foolish ambition. The kind that could get me killed. Still, there are several things I would love to do. Too many things really. I doubt I'll even get to see the most charitable of my ideas come true.

Speacking of which, I was also thinking about that today. I was watching an amature video of IllumiNations, a fireworks show that is done nightly at Disney's Epcot. It's a beautiful show that celebrates all of planet Earth and its wonders. Anyways, as I was watching, I began to think about something Russ told me a long time ago. He siad that there was a youth center that James knows of that could be good for me. And maybe if I work at it long enough, I could spoil the homeless kids that go there for shealther in a way that they have never been spoiled before. By taking them all to Disney World for a week and giving them back a part of their childhood that I know they never had. Giving some kind of magic back into their lives. Watching that video of IllumiNations made me think about how their faces would just light up and how happy they would be to be watching the show and enjoying it and the music and everything else that I would do for them on the trip out there. Try to get on the early morning safari at Animal Kingdom, a $1K shopping spree at Downtown Disney's Marketplace, dinner at the Coral Reef resturant which is a resturant surrounded on all sides by an aquarium of exotic fish, buying them photos from all the rides that offer them, front row tickets to Cirque du Solie. Whatever I could give them to make them happy. I would like it to be an annual thing too. Yes, it would be a big responsibility, but I don't care. I just want to give them something that would make them happy.

To dream the impossible dream...

I haven't blogged in nearly a week. Damn you, RollerCoaster Tycoon.

Okay, so as usual when I blog I have alot on my mind and I feel like shit right now too. It's pretty much about last night and talking to the guys. It's my own damn fault anyways.

The blut end of it, if you will, is this. James, the best thing that has ever happened to me, has found someone. Yes, I know that was to be expected because I'm here and who I am and he's... well... he's an Adonis. I'm not bitter or depressed about it. I'm actually happy for him. I'm just starting to wonder where I fit into the mix now. Kind of questioning my purpose as to why I should even continue with this now that James has, what appears to be, a match.

That's when Dan made me feel like crap again. Not only him, but good ol' Andrew helpped too. If there was ever a person out there that could make me feel like shit and then make sense to me to the point where I see how stupid I am, it's these two. They both said that I was just being selfish with this whole thing. That if I did stop and just took whatever life gave me, good or bad, that I would be letting down not only Andrew and Dan but Jack as well. Jack has been my biggest fan and supporter this whole time!! The whole feeling alone and that I lost something made me stupid yet again making me forget the big picture. One of my more annoying traits about myself, if you will.

So now feeling stupid and like shit this morning, I blog whatever comes to my mind to get it out of my system before I start doing.... whatever it is I do here.

I'm still questioning my purpose though. Not really to the point where I'm stupid about it. Just the whole "What am I good for? Why am I so special?" I mean, I looked at myself in the mirror today and I'm not happy with the way I look. Granted I havent' shaved in a month or two, but that's because I've been lazy about it. My built is nothing that's all that great. I look like a deflated birthday cake if you ask me. And I swear at an angle it looks like I have "man tits." Okay, so maybe I'm being hard on myself. Maybe I'm being insecure the next level. I don't know. I just don't feel up to par with everyone I see. Oddly enough, I just thought that if someone like James would like me for who I am that I would feel special about it. The strange thing is, Jack is the one that feels that way. He likes me no matter what. Granted he's going to be a butthead about the way I look and give me hell about it like it's hazing night at a frat house. I was told he was going to do that... along with Andrew. But I have this odd feeling that if I got hurt by it and ran off or something stupid like that, Jack would be the first one to come find me. It's strange how I'm thinking about him this way. I guess it is because of how he said he would kick the asses of everyone in Nashville just to protect me. That and the fact that Dan and Andrew made me think about how stupid I am.

I don't have a boyfriend because I'm not out there looking. Maybe it's because that I know I can never find what I want. Yeah, I know that no one probibly can find what it is they want. Call me stupid again. Still, I just know that even if I find someone that is everything that I want, they won't like me the same way. I've said it once and I'll say it again. I might as well just give up on this whole love/boyfriend thing and just let that department of life happen on it's own. If someone falls in love with me to the point where they feel like I'm the one, cool. If not, that's okay too. I doubt there will be anyone with the same amount of patience in the world that could put up with me. Hell, knowing me, I wouldn't even have a clue if they are hitting on me or not! Well, at least if I was on my own without someone with me that could obviously see that I'm getting the look down.

Listen to me. I just sound more and more pathetic each and every time I say something! It's almost as if I am purposely pointing out all my bad qualities to where I hope pity is taken on me. I would love to have attention, there's no denying that. Pity is another thing. I have yet to experiace that where someone just hangs out because they pity me. Or maybe I have. I'm not sure. The thing is I have to remember is that I am nothing special. The reason I'm like the way I am is because it is my own damn fault. Good or bad, this is who I am because this is who I am. It's like that line from the new Suger Ray CD my sister has. "Whatever we are we are whatever we are we are."

Unbeknownst to the guys, I have literally destroying myself from the inside out. I've been on a strick diet of nothing but water and just one meal a day. It's the whole insecure thing. It's times like this I wish I had a personal trainer, but they cost so much. I don't know what I'm doing on my own. I never do. I just wish and dream and do all the stuff that I do that will get me nowhere in life. You can't really go anywhere on a dream. Well, not anywhere that's profitable at least. I mean, wishing won't get me over to where Jack and Dan are. I've been trying to get over there. The way that I've beend doing it is apparently the wrong way. At least, they think so.

That's another thing about me that I don't get. Why am I so impressionable and gullable and so easy to manipulate when I'm obviously smart enough to do and think things for myself and not give a damn about what other people say? I guess it's the sensative side of me. You know, that part that makes me break down at even the mildest of insults when no one is looking. I know it is that side that makes me turn to video games like a distrought alcoholic, since that is the one way I can get over something that totally wrecks me all to hell. Is it also responsible for me being so trusting or is that another thing entirely?

I think I've hit rock bottom with that one as far as trying to find myself. Now if only I was smart enough to figure out how to go about fixing it on my own. Actually, I am, it's just I won't know how to go about doing it short of something extreme like, I don't know, lyposuction or some kind of finishing school for the socially challenged.... if there even is such a place.

I slept better tonight than I did the others. I also got alot of answers as to why I couldn't sleep those past four nights. It was because I missed them.

I shouldn't have answered and listened to that e-mail of Jack's though. If I hadn't, Jack would be at my door in a matter of time. Oh well, had I but known before hand...

I couldn't sleep last night. There were short bursts of sleep here and there, but as far as the 8 hours that you are suppose to get every night, I never got past 2. Hence the early morning blog of thoughts.

I wouldn't normally do this. Right now, after checking my mail, I would be on my way to NeoPets or Superdudes to check what is new with in those communities that I have sided with on the internet. Something I didn't expect happened to cause me to take a detour from my normal route.

I got an e-mail today from Jack. He said that he read my last blog and felt sad. In so many words, he said that he talked to everyone and everything is back to normal. He also said he's been looking for me for the past 4 days online. He reminded me about how we can tell if what we did was bad enough to piss one of us off too. How if either of us wasn't online, then we know something was up. Since I haven't been online, Jack is pretty damn worried. He wants to talk with me on IMs again before I do something I may regret doing that would destroy my life's future. I e-mailed him back saying that I'll be looking for him tonight.

I should blog that for the last 4 nights I have had a hard time sleeping, but I couldn't really say why. Maybe I'll find some answers tonight... I hope.

"How do you know nothing bad will happen?"
"I don't."

That line was said in Disney and Pixar's Finding Nemo.

For the last few days now, I have been collecting what thoughts I could gather as to what it is I really want to do. Naturally, I don't think I even know if I really want to do what it is that I would like to do to begin with. It's the whole "Am I doing the right thing?" thing. I don't want anything bad to happen, but as my track record goes, I can't seem to stop that. It's kind of like trying to change a person who doesn't want to change. You can try and try, but in the end, you can't do it. The only way they would change is if they want to change.

I've said alot of things in my life. Some I mean, some I don't, some I regret that I ever said to begin with. But the strange thing is I don't really know what I'm capiable of anymore. I've spent so much of my life into something that I'm starting to think won't bare fruit. I've been investing my time into something that I foolishly thought would be benifitial to me. And I've done it so blindly that I failed to see what I have missed. Oppurtunities, changes, chances to be something. So many things. All gone because I decided to try something that I thought would go somewhere.

No matter what anyone says, everything you do in life is a risk. Even asking for the price of something is considered a risk. What is it you risk? Who knows. Big risks cost big and small ones are nearly insignificant. No one can say that you aren't a risk-taker. We all do something that we hope ends up where we want. That's what taking risks are all about. Trying to get where we want. So why don't we take more risks in our lives? Simple. Just the word "risk" strikes fear into the hearts of some, myself included. Risk seems to be associated with taking a great chance that could make or break you. The real question you have to ask yourself is what is there that you could lose? Money? Family? Life? Is any of that so important to you that you are willing to not take the risk for fear you could lose it? A great President once said that "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Apparently his words fell by the wayside to many. Even I have to question what he really means by that. Sure, he was speacking for his era and generation, but words like those seem to live on enternally. It would seem, though, that even though his words live on, the meaning does not.

Then there is insecurity. It comes from fear. Fear that you are not up to par with the ones around you. This generation seems to be bombarded with images of super thin models and men so lean and built it makes just even the average lanky person look like they are too fat or annarexic. The root of insecurity? I wish it was that easy to blame. The fact is, I see better looking people in the mall than I do in magazines. It is those people that cause insecurity. The real life, common, everyday, could-be-a-model-but-isn't kind of people that make you look in the nearest mirror and analyze yourself to the point of doing something stupidly extreme like having plastic surgery done because all but your calfs are perfect. People keep telling us that we have to be comfortable with ourselfs and the way we look. Being different is being beautiful.

The thing is about being different is that sometimes I can be an eyesore or a pain in the ass to where you can't stand it. It seems a bit hypocritical that, as a country, we try to say that we are for the people and of the people and everyone is equal when the said reality is that in some areas people aren't treated equally. Gays are bashed because they are seen as "unnatural" and are condemned by those of cloth on this Earth. Who is to say that they are God and that we are to be comdemned to begin with? What have we done to lose God's love? In this town, I can probibly tell you what race is dominate in what area just by looking at the street name. It makes me wonder if being different is a good thing or just a burden.

I'm one to talk about having a burden. What do I know about having such a big load on my shoulders that I'm not even sure if I'll have enough money to pay the bills tomorrow? I don't know anything. I know nothing about what it is to truely live. Who's fault is that? Mine, of course. Who do you think I would blame? My parents? Pointing fingers gets us nowhere. Sometimes it's just best to take the blame of everything. The world would be a better place if people just admitted that they are the ones in the wrong instead of blaming something or someone else.

I've done too many mistakes. I need to stop before I make another one. I really need to think about what I have going on around me and everything that I'm feeling and where I want things to go and where I would like them to go only to prepare for the exact opposite for what may happen. But I think I've already done that. I think I know what I need to do before I lose another oppurtunity and make another mistake.

I pray that I'm doing the right thing.