A little over a week ago I got a fortune cookie that said...

You were born with "a silver spoon in your mouth."

I left it at the resturant because is offened me instead of keeping it in my wallet like I normally do. As you can see, that doesn't mean I forgot what it said.

Since Thanksgiving and even after the New Year as I been walking to and from the commercial areas near I live in the cold, I've been thinking about my life in between the daydreams. Thinking about where I'm going if anywhere and what I will end up being and what may happen to me. A visit from Kaiser only made me think even harder about it.

Tonight I had a realization. The damn cookie was right. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I've been handed things that I didn't earn. Nothing here is turely mine because I deserved it. I've taken things for granted! Hell, I don't even deserve that nice warm coat that kept me warm as I walked to Wal-mart and back!

So how did I come to this realization?

Sam and I were talking on IMs. We started talking about how both he and I wish that I was up there instead of down here. There are pleanty of reason, but the only one meantioned that session was because I haven't been eating as well as I should. With that Sam set a few things into motion to help me get up there for a visit (to put it as vaugely as possible). I was finally going to meet back up with Dan and meet James face to face!

I turned it down.

Thoughts started screaming through my mind at the speed of light, almost as fast as Bill's mind. The whole thing about the cookie and the walks startd to click all together. This was another hand out that I didn't turely deserve. I felt like I was given a trophy that I didn't deserve because I didn't even fit the requirements for being nominated! I felt that I didn't earn the right. The only way I'd ever feel like I earned it was if I was able to do something to make myself worth something. The only way I'd ever feel like I deserved it was if I was able to make something of myself somehow. I didn't want to be eating someone else's dust on the drive down that road of sucess.

But that's where I was left. In the dust.

Sam didn't like the fact I said that. The next thing I knew, I was left in the dust feeling dizzy and upset. I always get a little dizzy whenever I get really upset.

It's funny. What I thought was a mature, grown-up decision turns into nothing more but another stupid move. Another stupid decision to add to the long list of stupid decisions.

Zeek, if you start to grow numb to disappointments, that would be a good thing, because then you won't hurt as much as you are now.