I've been a wreck today.
I woke up at the time I normally do, but with a sense of fear and worry given how my night ended. I then did what I normally do whenever I'm bothered by something.
I played video games.
I finished the story portion of Final Fantasy Tactics a while back, so I opted for another RPG this time around. I dug out the game Rhapsody. I really forgot why I bought this, only to be soon reminded that I was insane at the time to buy what was gimmiced as the first musical RPG. Let me say that this isn't like any Disney musical cartoon. No, this is far worst than that.
In any case, it kept me stable as I was trotting around as a little country girl that talks to puppets in her spare time when she isn't daydreaming about a prince. Have I been a straight boy playing this game, I would feel uncomfortible with this plotline. I guess it's one of the perks of being gay that I was unaware of. I'm surprised as to how fast I compleated the game. This game was definately designed for the little girls that buy Barbie games.
So did it help me overcome this worry that plagues me as I type even now?
No.
I really hope I see the guys tonight. Finding out what's going on with them is the only thing that will help me.
Also, apparently I've been really worried about them, cause mom said I look skinnier. Uhm, thanks?
Friday, January 31, 2003
I'm worried tonight/this morning.
I was talking to the guys tonight when all of a sudden I got this weird feeling that something is going on. Something bad. Something very wrong. I can't give details out as to what it was that gave me this feeling, which sucks, really, cause you're probibly scratching your heads if not saying "It can't be that bad, can it?" I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you more.
All I know is that I'm probibly not going to get enough sleep tonight right now.
I was talking to the guys tonight when all of a sudden I got this weird feeling that something is going on. Something bad. Something very wrong. I can't give details out as to what it was that gave me this feeling, which sucks, really, cause you're probibly scratching your heads if not saying "It can't be that bad, can it?" I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you more.
All I know is that I'm probibly not going to get enough sleep tonight right now.
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Today I closed my bank account. Reson being that it was pointless to keep it open if I'll only end up losing money instead of gaining any due to maintiance charges. I mean, the whole point of having a bank account was to be able to make money, not lose it. At least in my savings account I won't lose any money due to maintiance fees or anything like that.
Right now, I'm tuned into Toonami. The first time in a long time. During a commercial break during Zoids: Choatic Century, they ran an ad for .hack//sign. I'm surprised the got .hack//sign to begin with! I heard some amazing things about it. The basic plot is that online video games have evolved into a full sensory experiance. One player gets too obessed with the gaming world that he hacks is way into the game. The problem is he can't log out.
First Cowboy Bebop now .hack//sign. It's like Cartoon Network is reading my mind or something.
Right now, I'm tuned into Toonami. The first time in a long time. During a commercial break during Zoids: Choatic Century, they ran an ad for .hack//sign. I'm surprised the got .hack//sign to begin with! I heard some amazing things about it. The basic plot is that online video games have evolved into a full sensory experiance. One player gets too obessed with the gaming world that he hacks is way into the game. The problem is he can't log out.
First Cowboy Bebop now .hack//sign. It's like Cartoon Network is reading my mind or something.
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
I have never laughed so hard or have ever been so embarassed for someone like I was tonight.
Because I just had to watch it, I tuned in for The Mole. The show just seemed to be up Erik's ally. Surfing is his best sport! He just loves it! But he didn't get to do it at first. He had to do the hula in drag! That's right, the guy that I've been cursed to run into for whatever reason on television or movies had to dress in drag. I have never laughed so hard in my life! It was too funny and too painful to watch him do the hula in drag for 30 minutes!
Meanwhile, Kathy Griffin had to get up on a surfboard and stay up for about 5 seconds. Why is it she couldn't and the supermodel was? I don't know. Maybe it's because she said that she's never used her legs just as much as she did then or whatever.
As a way to redeam the money, Erik got to surf! Yes! The moment I've wanted to see after hearing about how good he is!
And what a disappointment!
Okay, so it wasn't that bad. I mean, hell, it's a whole lot better than I can ever do. Still, for someone that loves to surf whenever he can, you would think he would know better than to surf into the rocks.
The next contest was a test of wits. Erik has been the victem of type-casting. It seems his looks fit him into that pretty boy that's all looks and no brains. No wonder he wants to get out of the Disney company and try newer, bigger things. Here, though, he just totally blew away his type-casting persona! The guy just totally blew pass all the brain teasers and the questions to earn him an immunity from the "execution", and the best part he kept it after doing a memory game with two decks of playing cards.
That's my boy!
It should be interesting next week. If I'm right, he's probibly the mole. Hey, it's either him or the reality-show-buff Kathy.
Because I just had to watch it, I tuned in for The Mole. The show just seemed to be up Erik's ally. Surfing is his best sport! He just loves it! But he didn't get to do it at first. He had to do the hula in drag! That's right, the guy that I've been cursed to run into for whatever reason on television or movies had to dress in drag. I have never laughed so hard in my life! It was too funny and too painful to watch him do the hula in drag for 30 minutes!
Meanwhile, Kathy Griffin had to get up on a surfboard and stay up for about 5 seconds. Why is it she couldn't and the supermodel was? I don't know. Maybe it's because she said that she's never used her legs just as much as she did then or whatever.
As a way to redeam the money, Erik got to surf! Yes! The moment I've wanted to see after hearing about how good he is!
And what a disappointment!
Okay, so it wasn't that bad. I mean, hell, it's a whole lot better than I can ever do. Still, for someone that loves to surf whenever he can, you would think he would know better than to surf into the rocks.
The next contest was a test of wits. Erik has been the victem of type-casting. It seems his looks fit him into that pretty boy that's all looks and no brains. No wonder he wants to get out of the Disney company and try newer, bigger things. Here, though, he just totally blew away his type-casting persona! The guy just totally blew pass all the brain teasers and the questions to earn him an immunity from the "execution", and the best part he kept it after doing a memory game with two decks of playing cards.
That's my boy!
It should be interesting next week. If I'm right, he's probibly the mole. Hey, it's either him or the reality-show-buff Kathy.
Monday, January 27, 2003
Damn, this wrist rest is cold!
Last night, once again, I was forced to sleep downstairs. It was 10 degrees outside. I thought that today I would be woken by the same rude sounds.
Actually, for some reason, everyone was really polite. I still couldn't sleep as soon as I heard my dad drop the butterknife in the sink, but at least that was better than the last few times I've slept down here.
I'll be sleeping down here again because it's going to be another cold night.
I hope they are as good about my sleep tomorrow like they were today.
Last night, once again, I was forced to sleep downstairs. It was 10 degrees outside. I thought that today I would be woken by the same rude sounds.
Actually, for some reason, everyone was really polite. I still couldn't sleep as soon as I heard my dad drop the butterknife in the sink, but at least that was better than the last few times I've slept down here.
I'll be sleeping down here again because it's going to be another cold night.
I hope they are as good about my sleep tomorrow like they were today.
Saturday, January 25, 2003
I just came back from hunting down Watkins Institute.
I must say, the place has really grown since I was last there in their Youth Art Program (YAP). We used to have to share rooms with other classes. Now, they have five different departments without having to share any rooms with anyone outside of their department! They also have an Interior Design department, which they claim has always been there. I don't remember them every having one when I went as a YAP student.
It's very impressive to say the least.
I must say, the place has really grown since I was last there in their Youth Art Program (YAP). We used to have to share rooms with other classes. Now, they have five different departments without having to share any rooms with anyone outside of their department! They also have an Interior Design department, which they claim has always been there. I don't remember them every having one when I went as a YAP student.
It's very impressive to say the least.
Yup, I was right. Another rude awakening.
This time around, it wasn't my family yelling and stuff. It was my dad grinding coffee. Actually, he never made it to the grinding part as I got up and when to my room risking hypothermia as soon as I heard the coffee beans hit the container.
Did I meantion that I hate sleeping downstairs?
This time around, it wasn't my family yelling and stuff. It was my dad grinding coffee. Actually, he never made it to the grinding part as I got up and when to my room risking hypothermia as soon as I heard the coffee beans hit the container.
Did I meantion that I hate sleeping downstairs?
Friday, January 24, 2003
My head hurts for more reasons than one.
Last night, I was forced to sleep downstairs becaues it was going to be negative one outside. That's a new record low for the area. The reason was because my room is poorly insulated. We tried to save money by insulating it ourselves. Big mistake. Now, in the winter, I can feel the temprature outside as well as the heat during the summer. At least I don't feel the humidity.
This morning, I couldn't sleep on the couch at all cause my family kept yelling at each other over this and that. Mostly from what I remember about why so-and-so isn't ready to go. I knew they talked louded, but come on! I was sleeping right there in front of them, and what goes and happens? Plates clanking, yelling, mircowave beepping, doors opening and closing. I was lucky enough to actually get some sleep after they all left!
Five hours later, I woke up to my aunt having lunch. It's her day off, so that's nothing new. Knowing that it must be warmer in my room by now, I dragged my body up there and slept a few more hours to make up for this morning's chaos.
I had the strangest dream while I was sleeping too. I dreamed I was a member of this mafia group, only I was the kid that didn't know the ropes let alone how to fire a gun straight! It looked like it was taking place in some beach city with a trolly system. The strangest part was the fact that they, the boss, sent me to cornor this guy that they were chasing that looked like none other than Leonardo DiCaprio. I don't know. I'm just glad I don't remember much of that dream right now.
When I woke up again, it was nearly three or so in the afternoon, so I had a late lunch. Deep fried shrimp egg rolls! Four of them!! Apparently, according to my aunt, the shrimp and the cabbage absorbed some of the oil. That combined with gulps of water and trying to surpress belches cause some minor indigestion. Nothing some TV couldn't cure, right?
My room was colder than when I left it. I turned on that dinky and poor excuse for a heater to try and warm up. I ended up shivering next to it for about 10 minutes. I figured I needed a distraction from the cold, so I turned on one of my video games and played that as I was trying to heat up. I thought that the stomache ache would go away, but what ended up happening somewhere between beating up the fifth Time Mage I came across and saving my game was that the pain just transfered to my head.
Today's been lousy.
Last night, I was forced to sleep downstairs becaues it was going to be negative one outside. That's a new record low for the area. The reason was because my room is poorly insulated. We tried to save money by insulating it ourselves. Big mistake. Now, in the winter, I can feel the temprature outside as well as the heat during the summer. At least I don't feel the humidity.
This morning, I couldn't sleep on the couch at all cause my family kept yelling at each other over this and that. Mostly from what I remember about why so-and-so isn't ready to go. I knew they talked louded, but come on! I was sleeping right there in front of them, and what goes and happens? Plates clanking, yelling, mircowave beepping, doors opening and closing. I was lucky enough to actually get some sleep after they all left!
Five hours later, I woke up to my aunt having lunch. It's her day off, so that's nothing new. Knowing that it must be warmer in my room by now, I dragged my body up there and slept a few more hours to make up for this morning's chaos.
I had the strangest dream while I was sleeping too. I dreamed I was a member of this mafia group, only I was the kid that didn't know the ropes let alone how to fire a gun straight! It looked like it was taking place in some beach city with a trolly system. The strangest part was the fact that they, the boss, sent me to cornor this guy that they were chasing that looked like none other than Leonardo DiCaprio. I don't know. I'm just glad I don't remember much of that dream right now.
When I woke up again, it was nearly three or so in the afternoon, so I had a late lunch. Deep fried shrimp egg rolls! Four of them!! Apparently, according to my aunt, the shrimp and the cabbage absorbed some of the oil. That combined with gulps of water and trying to surpress belches cause some minor indigestion. Nothing some TV couldn't cure, right?
My room was colder than when I left it. I turned on that dinky and poor excuse for a heater to try and warm up. I ended up shivering next to it for about 10 minutes. I figured I needed a distraction from the cold, so I turned on one of my video games and played that as I was trying to heat up. I thought that the stomache ache would go away, but what ended up happening somewhere between beating up the fifth Time Mage I came across and saving my game was that the pain just transfered to my head.
Today's been lousy.
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
For the record, it's been snowing here for the last two hours. Another Nashville rarity.
Right now, I'm just living it up. I was channel surfing out of boredom when it happened again. For about six months or so, the so-called "Curse of Erik von Detten" hasn't struck. This curse is where I'll be channel surfing out of boredom only to stumble upon a show, most of the time on Disney, or a commercial that has something to do with Erik von Detten.
Well, guess what happened?
I was channel surfing and lo-and-behold there he is on the TV. What show was he on? ABC's "The Mole." Of all shows to be on! It was hillarious. At least it was for me. I kept smiling as I watched him just be himself. It's a shame he didn't get booted out of the show, cause now I have a reason to watch ABC every Wednesday night now.
The best part was when one of the cast members asked as to why Erik didn't take the free $20 grand in one of the episodes compititions.
I know why.
Right now, I'm just living it up. I was channel surfing out of boredom when it happened again. For about six months or so, the so-called "Curse of Erik von Detten" hasn't struck. This curse is where I'll be channel surfing out of boredom only to stumble upon a show, most of the time on Disney, or a commercial that has something to do with Erik von Detten.
Well, guess what happened?
I was channel surfing and lo-and-behold there he is on the TV. What show was he on? ABC's "The Mole." Of all shows to be on! It was hillarious. At least it was for me. I kept smiling as I watched him just be himself. It's a shame he didn't get booted out of the show, cause now I have a reason to watch ABC every Wednesday night now.
The best part was when one of the cast members asked as to why Erik didn't take the free $20 grand in one of the episodes compititions.
I know why.
Great, one more thing I'll never have on here untill I get a new computer.
The Sims meets Everquest? If only I could run it on the iMac.
The Sims meets Everquest? If only I could run it on the iMac.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Sunday, January 19, 2003
I really don't know how to put it into words. I really don't.
Last night I was trying to make lemonade out of lemons. You know, making the best out of a bad couple of days. Some how, by a stroke of good luck or otherwise, everything got fixed. It was strange. I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon let alone so easily.
What happened was that I was talking to Russ about the last few days and how I would love to fix it, but I just didn't know how. I mean, I knew how, but I didn't think it would work. I thought everyone have had all that they could endure of me. Any more from me and they would be all "yeah yeah, whatever dude" with it. Boy, was I wrong. All it took was for them to read what I said to Russ. It's weird. I thought it would take more than just words to fix things.
Life's funny that way, I guess. I hope things get better from this point on, cause this is the second New Years resolution that I botched up.
New Year Resolution
1. Find a job!
2. Get back in shape with DDR
3. Be cool with the guys online
I might as well scratch off the first one as well since the economy sucks so much. Then again, it could be too soon to tell. Still, I wish I had one, that way I wouldn't be so anal about signing up for a 30-day membership to the only place on the internet where I can see at least 9 clips of Lauderdale Strip for $20 since I can't order it here.
Maybe I can ask James or even Dan to send it to me for my birthday?
Last night I was trying to make lemonade out of lemons. You know, making the best out of a bad couple of days. Some how, by a stroke of good luck or otherwise, everything got fixed. It was strange. I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon let alone so easily.
What happened was that I was talking to Russ about the last few days and how I would love to fix it, but I just didn't know how. I mean, I knew how, but I didn't think it would work. I thought everyone have had all that they could endure of me. Any more from me and they would be all "yeah yeah, whatever dude" with it. Boy, was I wrong. All it took was for them to read what I said to Russ. It's weird. I thought it would take more than just words to fix things.
Life's funny that way, I guess. I hope things get better from this point on, cause this is the second New Years resolution that I botched up.
New Year Resolution
1. Find a job!
3. Be cool with the guys online
I might as well scratch off the first one as well since the economy sucks so much. Then again, it could be too soon to tell. Still, I wish I had one, that way I wouldn't be so anal about signing up for a 30-day membership to the only place on the internet where I can see at least 9 clips of Lauderdale Strip for $20 since I can't order it here.
Maybe I can ask James or even Dan to send it to me for my birthday?
Friday, January 17, 2003
Luna's Boat Song
Lyrics by Victor Ireland
Wishing on a dream that seems far off
Hoping that it will come today.
Into the starlit night,
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze
Waiting on a shooting star.
But, what if that star is not to come?
Will their dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizon darkens most,
We all need to believe there is hope.
Is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see?
I know my heart should guide me, but,
There's a hole within my soul.
What will fill this emptiness inside of me?
Am I to be satisfied without knowing?
I wish, then, for a chance to see,
Now all I need, (desprately)
Is my star to come...
Lyrics by Victor Ireland
Wishing on a dream that seems far off
Hoping that it will come today.
Into the starlit night,
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze
Waiting on a shooting star.
But, what if that star is not to come?
Will their dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizon darkens most,
We all need to believe there is hope.
Is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see?
I know my heart should guide me, but,
There's a hole within my soul.
What will fill this emptiness inside of me?
Am I to be satisfied without knowing?
I wish, then, for a chance to see,
Now all I need, (desprately)
Is my star to come...
A little over a week ago I got a fortune cookie that said...
You were born with "a silver spoon in your mouth."
I left it at the resturant because is offened me instead of keeping it in my wallet like I normally do. As you can see, that doesn't mean I forgot what it said.
Since Thanksgiving and even after the New Year as I been walking to and from the commercial areas near I live in the cold, I've been thinking about my life in between the daydreams. Thinking about where I'm going if anywhere and what I will end up being and what may happen to me. A visit from Kaiser only made me think even harder about it.
Tonight I had a realization. The damn cookie was right. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I've been handed things that I didn't earn. Nothing here is turely mine because I deserved it. I've taken things for granted! Hell, I don't even deserve that nice warm coat that kept me warm as I walked to Wal-mart and back!
So how did I come to this realization?
Sam and I were talking on IMs. We started talking about how both he and I wish that I was up there instead of down here. There are pleanty of reason, but the only one meantioned that session was because I haven't been eating as well as I should. With that Sam set a few things into motion to help me get up there for a visit (to put it as vaugely as possible). I was finally going to meet back up with Dan and meet James face to face!
I turned it down.
Thoughts started screaming through my mind at the speed of light, almost as fast as Bill's mind. The whole thing about the cookie and the walks startd to click all together. This was another hand out that I didn't turely deserve. I felt like I was given a trophy that I didn't deserve because I didn't even fit the requirements for being nominated! I felt that I didn't earn the right. The only way I'd ever feel like I earned it was if I was able to do something to make myself worth something. The only way I'd ever feel like I deserved it was if I was able to make something of myself somehow. I didn't want to be eating someone else's dust on the drive down that road of sucess.
But that's where I was left. In the dust.
Sam didn't like the fact I said that. The next thing I knew, I was left in the dust feeling dizzy and upset. I always get a little dizzy whenever I get really upset.
It's funny. What I thought was a mature, grown-up decision turns into nothing more but another stupid move. Another stupid decision to add to the long list of stupid decisions.
Zeek, if you start to grow numb to disappointments, that would be a good thing, because then you won't hurt as much as you are now.
You were born with "a silver spoon in your mouth."
I left it at the resturant because is offened me instead of keeping it in my wallet like I normally do. As you can see, that doesn't mean I forgot what it said.
Since Thanksgiving and even after the New Year as I been walking to and from the commercial areas near I live in the cold, I've been thinking about my life in between the daydreams. Thinking about where I'm going if anywhere and what I will end up being and what may happen to me. A visit from Kaiser only made me think even harder about it.
Tonight I had a realization. The damn cookie was right. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I've been handed things that I didn't earn. Nothing here is turely mine because I deserved it. I've taken things for granted! Hell, I don't even deserve that nice warm coat that kept me warm as I walked to Wal-mart and back!
So how did I come to this realization?
Sam and I were talking on IMs. We started talking about how both he and I wish that I was up there instead of down here. There are pleanty of reason, but the only one meantioned that session was because I haven't been eating as well as I should. With that Sam set a few things into motion to help me get up there for a visit (to put it as vaugely as possible). I was finally going to meet back up with Dan and meet James face to face!
I turned it down.
Thoughts started screaming through my mind at the speed of light, almost as fast as Bill's mind. The whole thing about the cookie and the walks startd to click all together. This was another hand out that I didn't turely deserve. I felt like I was given a trophy that I didn't deserve because I didn't even fit the requirements for being nominated! I felt that I didn't earn the right. The only way I'd ever feel like I earned it was if I was able to do something to make myself worth something. The only way I'd ever feel like I deserved it was if I was able to make something of myself somehow. I didn't want to be eating someone else's dust on the drive down that road of sucess.
But that's where I was left. In the dust.
Sam didn't like the fact I said that. The next thing I knew, I was left in the dust feeling dizzy and upset. I always get a little dizzy whenever I get really upset.
It's funny. What I thought was a mature, grown-up decision turns into nothing more but another stupid move. Another stupid decision to add to the long list of stupid decisions.
Zeek, if you start to grow numb to disappointments, that would be a good thing, because then you won't hurt as much as you are now.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
That made me scared to death.
For the whole morning, I was watching her like a hawk trying to supress my fear for her sake. If she knew I was scared, she'd get scared too, and who knows what would have happened?! Around lunch, mom called saying that the meds have been changed and she is going to pick it up. The doctor said to have her eat some food so she can handle the meds better.
If there's one thing I don't like about my sister it's how she eats. I had to litterally force her to eat her cold and hard waffles that she originally made for breakfast but never ate before she woke me as well as a bannana. I don't know about you, but that is not filling nor a healthy breakfast. I swear, if she just ate more she would have a better immune system than she has now. Oh well, at least some food is better than no food.
So that was pretty much my day. I played Nurse Zeek and worried about my little sister like a mother hen. At least my sister is okay now.
As a reward, I got tacos!
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Monday, January 13, 2003
Today I went to H.G. Hills to turn in my application. Despite the fact that it was sunny, it was still cold for me, so I went home.
I'm not expecting to get a job. At least not from there. I don't know, it's really hard to keep hope alive now.
As if that wasn't hard enough, my dad asked me about college. I told him that I'd like to, but quite frankly, I don't see it happening any time soon. He suggested night classes since I'm not really up during the day. Question: How much and who is going pay it? My folks? I don't know. For some stupid reason, I really don't want them doing things for me anymore like this. I mean, if I can't do it by myself, then what good am I?
Why do I always take that rough dark road at the crossroads?
I'm not expecting to get a job. At least not from there. I don't know, it's really hard to keep hope alive now.
As if that wasn't hard enough, my dad asked me about college. I told him that I'd like to, but quite frankly, I don't see it happening any time soon. He suggested night classes since I'm not really up during the day. Question: How much and who is going pay it? My folks? I don't know. For some stupid reason, I really don't want them doing things for me anymore like this. I mean, if I can't do it by myself, then what good am I?
Why do I always take that rough dark road at the crossroads?
Sunday, January 12, 2003
I just finished watching the Disney Channel Movie You Wish!. Great movie really. Some of the best acting I've seen for something that low budget since Brink!.... and I'm not just saying that cause AJ Trauth is cute too.
Anyway, this blog is long over due for publication, mostly because I don't know why.
I know something is wrong with me. There has to be! Something is bothering me and I don't know what it is. Since Friday it seems that I can't do what I need to do, what I need to get done. I can't seem to think or wake up or sleep or even eat. All I want to do is just finish Final Fantasy Tactics as if there was some kind of personal contest with me. I've been playing like I normally do whenever something is wrong. I mean, I like to play games, yeah. But when something is bothering me, I play like it's going out of style. It may seem unhealthy the fact that I just sit there for about eight hours straight only getting up to go to the bathroom if even that, but that's how I deal with the shit that is hurdled towards me. It's my escape. It's my drug. It's my alcohol, which according to Kevin is just as addicting (the video game playing thing that is). I haven't returned that application to H.G. Hills that I picked up last Wednesday even though it only took me no more than five minutes to fill it out. I haven't even bother looking since then!
What's wrong with me? There has to be something wrong with me. What is the deal? Why can't I get up anymore and do what I have to? Why is it so hard to go to sleep at night? Why is it that all I want to do is just raise Mustadio's level high enough to where he can be this cool sniper in my attack party or figure out how to steal that one item that Meliduo or whatever her name is has because it can give Argias practically imortality? Why is it that every time I look at the damn application sitting there where I'll always see it I get this feeling that trying as hard as I have been isn't worth it half the time and that I'm not trying hard enough the other half of the time? Did it have something to do with what went on the last week?
So many questions, so little answers.
Anyway, this blog is long over due for publication, mostly because I don't know why.
I know something is wrong with me. There has to be! Something is bothering me and I don't know what it is. Since Friday it seems that I can't do what I need to do, what I need to get done. I can't seem to think or wake up or sleep or even eat. All I want to do is just finish Final Fantasy Tactics as if there was some kind of personal contest with me. I've been playing like I normally do whenever something is wrong. I mean, I like to play games, yeah. But when something is bothering me, I play like it's going out of style. It may seem unhealthy the fact that I just sit there for about eight hours straight only getting up to go to the bathroom if even that, but that's how I deal with the shit that is hurdled towards me. It's my escape. It's my drug. It's my alcohol, which according to Kevin is just as addicting (the video game playing thing that is). I haven't returned that application to H.G. Hills that I picked up last Wednesday even though it only took me no more than five minutes to fill it out. I haven't even bother looking since then!
What's wrong with me? There has to be something wrong with me. What is the deal? Why can't I get up anymore and do what I have to? Why is it so hard to go to sleep at night? Why is it that all I want to do is just raise Mustadio's level high enough to where he can be this cool sniper in my attack party or figure out how to steal that one item that Meliduo or whatever her name is has because it can give Argias practically imortality? Why is it that every time I look at the damn application sitting there where I'll always see it I get this feeling that trying as hard as I have been isn't worth it half the time and that I'm not trying hard enough the other half of the time? Did it have something to do with what went on the last week?
So many questions, so little answers.
Saturday, January 11, 2003
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| [Final Fantasy Tactics Quiz] |
In other words, I'm like Cloud in the game. Great. If only I was blond and that skinny too.
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
Finally, something better than the whole "We're not hiring." shit I've had to deal with.
I just got back from H. G. Hills, a locally owned grocery chain here in the south. I really was expecting to just be slapped with the same old shit that I've had to deal with for the past few days making more depressed than I already was. I mean, I was already trying to deal with the fact that James and Sam are in heavy need of medical attention on a biblical scale (at least to me it felt like they were). Being handed another "We're not hiring right now." would just throw me over the edge!
I didn't get that from H. G. Hills. What I got was that they were accepting applications. In my past experiance here, and I could be wrong, whenever they say that, they really mean one of two things. Either:
1. Impress us if you can, or...
2. We have the money to hire you, but we really don't need you right now.
I wonder if it had anything to do with how I was dressed. Probibly not since I wear pretty much the same thing everyday. My drawers are like a cartoon character's, the same style lined up in a row almost.
In any event, I hope this is a good sign.
I just got back from H. G. Hills, a locally owned grocery chain here in the south. I really was expecting to just be slapped with the same old shit that I've had to deal with for the past few days making more depressed than I already was. I mean, I was already trying to deal with the fact that James and Sam are in heavy need of medical attention on a biblical scale (at least to me it felt like they were). Being handed another "We're not hiring right now." would just throw me over the edge!
I didn't get that from H. G. Hills. What I got was that they were accepting applications. In my past experiance here, and I could be wrong, whenever they say that, they really mean one of two things. Either:
1. Impress us if you can, or...
2. We have the money to hire you, but we really don't need you right now.
I wonder if it had anything to do with how I was dressed. Probibly not since I wear pretty much the same thing everyday. My drawers are like a cartoon character's, the same style lined up in a row almost.
In any event, I hope this is a good sign.
Ever since I found it and deleted my saved games for it off the memory card, I've been debating on if I should go and replay Final Fantasy Tactics. The thing isn't find a reason as to why I should even play it again! Yes, it's got an excellent story, and I love the battles, but there had to be more to it. I mean, why else did I buy it in the first place?
So here I was on GameFAQs looking up how to steal the rare Genji Armor, how to learn Ultima and Zodiac, and how to get Cloud in the game when all of a sudden it hit me!
I bought the game for one reason and one reason only! The battles! The best part for me in almost all RPGs are the battles and being able to kick ass. I didn't really care about the rarity of armor or if my guys were equiped with the best weapons (well, half the time) or what monstor I should poach for what. I just wanted to kick some ass! Sure getting the secret characters was cool, and I know that I'll do it again just to get it right this time, but the real fun for me was beating up all those monsters and soldiers! Even at level 99, it was still fun cause you had to work to get all these skills to make the character just right.
It makes me wonder why I invested money on the walkthru at the time. Maybe that was before I found out how good GameFAQs is. Oh well...
So here I was on GameFAQs looking up how to steal the rare Genji Armor, how to learn Ultima and Zodiac, and how to get Cloud in the game when all of a sudden it hit me!
I bought the game for one reason and one reason only! The battles! The best part for me in almost all RPGs are the battles and being able to kick ass. I didn't really care about the rarity of armor or if my guys were equiped with the best weapons (well, half the time) or what monstor I should poach for what. I just wanted to kick some ass! Sure getting the secret characters was cool, and I know that I'll do it again just to get it right this time, but the real fun for me was beating up all those monsters and soldiers! Even at level 99, it was still fun cause you had to work to get all these skills to make the character just right.
It makes me wonder why I invested money on the walkthru at the time. Maybe that was before I found out how good GameFAQs is. Oh well...
Monday, January 06, 2003
A few days ago, I found out from my folks that Kaiser was in town. Kaiser is a friend of mine that is a Japanese inthuious, if you will. We all think he can go into politics if not law. He's smart yet doesn't impose it. He is just a cool person to hang out with.
After getting depressed about Kroger not hiring, I called him up. We talked about things, caught up, and then later decided to head out to Tilt to play some DDR like the old days.
Two years of not seeing each other made me realised just how much I changed, and I didn't change much. Kaiser has gotten really good at DDR while I'm still stuck in Basic. I have my reasons. Still, for someone that was once better than him and prided himself in that since he can and does out do me in every way, shape, and form I felt rather behind. It's bad enough that Ken was there. After hearing all the stories about him about how good he is, you can only imagin how much that made me feel! Even David Hersh, the last person I would expect to see on DDR, is better than me!!
But it's not just in DDR.
I was talking with them. It turns out that they have steady jobs. Ken prides himself in the fact that the shortest job he's ever had was a whole year! A WHOLE YEAR!! I thought Kaiser getting paid $10 an hour just to eat gourmet food because he was helping set up something on campus was something to be jelous about.
Maybe I should take Kaiser's advice and sell my soul and become a telemarketer. He said that's one of the few jobs where if you can just throw away all human feelings you can earn alot of money.
I don't know; I'm so depressed about this to the point where I want to just give up.
It's times like this I wish I still had a Gameboy so I can pop in Pokemon.
After getting depressed about Kroger not hiring, I called him up. We talked about things, caught up, and then later decided to head out to Tilt to play some DDR like the old days.
Two years of not seeing each other made me realised just how much I changed, and I didn't change much. Kaiser has gotten really good at DDR while I'm still stuck in Basic. I have my reasons. Still, for someone that was once better than him and prided himself in that since he can and does out do me in every way, shape, and form I felt rather behind. It's bad enough that Ken was there. After hearing all the stories about him about how good he is, you can only imagin how much that made me feel! Even David Hersh, the last person I would expect to see on DDR, is better than me!!
But it's not just in DDR.
I was talking with them. It turns out that they have steady jobs. Ken prides himself in the fact that the shortest job he's ever had was a whole year! A WHOLE YEAR!! I thought Kaiser getting paid $10 an hour just to eat gourmet food because he was helping set up something on campus was something to be jelous about.
Maybe I should take Kaiser's advice and sell my soul and become a telemarketer. He said that's one of the few jobs where if you can just throw away all human feelings you can earn alot of money.
I don't know; I'm so depressed about this to the point where I want to just give up.
It's times like this I wish I still had a Gameboy so I can pop in Pokemon.
Sunday, January 05, 2003
ARGH!! Does nothing work today?! Now Blogger won't do the archiving right!!
This has got to be a bad sign. It has to be.
This has got to be a bad sign. It has to be.
Saturday, January 04, 2003
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Low |
| Schizoid: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal: | High |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Very High |
| Histrionic: | High |
| Narcissistic: | High |
| Avoidant: | Very High |
| Dependent: | Very High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | High |
-- Click Here To Take The Test -- | |
I have really got to stop taking all these random tests.
Since I decided to pick Tomba! up again, I got to remember this site if I ever get stuck with one of the events.
I wonder why that lady won't take her Baked Yam?!
I wonder why that lady won't take her Baked Yam?!
Thursday, January 02, 2003
Take the What Type of Friend are You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com. [Me.]
Really? I'm a rarity? Wow, that's new.
Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.
What's sad is that I was in High School. Go figure, huh?
What Inuyasha Character are you?
Ain't that the truth. It just kills me if I can't get the boy I want.
Whoever said things don't always go as planed is lying. Things never go as planed. At least, for me.
Yesturday, I was planning on getting up and leaving around 08:30 to restart my job hunt. Needless to say I need to woke on getting up early again. Despite the fact that I started about an hour or so later than I planed, I still was able to make it to Nippers Cornor a little after 09:35. No one was open.
I then decided to walk all the way pass my house in the other direction of equal distance to Wal-Mart. I knew where they held their applications, but it turns out they weren't hiring. Just sink my ass with the boat, why don't you?
Upon leaving the Wal-Mart area after remembering that the other stores in that area aren't really hiring either (Guess the Dollar Tree got their employee they are looking for, cause the "Now Hiring" sign isn't up.), I walked all the way back to Nippers to Movie Gallery to apply there again. Guess what? They aren't hiring either.
Beaten, tired, and cold, I walked back home.
So here I am, blogging away about my trek that was about the equivalent to... oh, 2 or 3 miles? while my feet just pulse with the pain of the fact that they weren't designed to walk on concreate (so says The Learning Channel) and my calf mucsles ache like they've just gone through another 100kcals of DDR. Strangely enough, my groin muscle (the muscle in between your legs that helps stablize your body with your legs, you pervert) is also feeling the strain.
Even strainger still, what's with all the seagulls in the Wal-Mart parking lot? We're land-locked!
Yesturday, I was planning on getting up and leaving around 08:30 to restart my job hunt. Needless to say I need to woke on getting up early again. Despite the fact that I started about an hour or so later than I planed, I still was able to make it to Nippers Cornor a little after 09:35. No one was open.
I then decided to walk all the way pass my house in the other direction of equal distance to Wal-Mart. I knew where they held their applications, but it turns out they weren't hiring. Just sink my ass with the boat, why don't you?
Upon leaving the Wal-Mart area after remembering that the other stores in that area aren't really hiring either (Guess the Dollar Tree got their employee they are looking for, cause the "Now Hiring" sign isn't up.), I walked all the way back to Nippers to Movie Gallery to apply there again. Guess what? They aren't hiring either.
Beaten, tired, and cold, I walked back home.
So here I am, blogging away about my trek that was about the equivalent to... oh, 2 or 3 miles? while my feet just pulse with the pain of the fact that they weren't designed to walk on concreate (so says The Learning Channel) and my calf mucsles ache like they've just gone through another 100kcals of DDR. Strangely enough, my groin muscle (the muscle in between your legs that helps stablize your body with your legs, you pervert) is also feeling the strain.
Even strainger still, what's with all the seagulls in the Wal-Mart parking lot? We're land-locked!
