State of the Blog

I need to address something that has recently happened online and has grown big enough to filter into my real life relations of whatever kind.

Recently, a person named Sarah (real name or alias, I don't know) left a comment that made me ask several people I know on Gaia a question.

Why is it people believe that it will help if they yell at person that they don't like because of how they act or what they are?

After filtering through each of the "this person is an asshole and has nothing better to do" statements, the best answer I could come up with from the group that I questioned is this. People that are suffering seem to cause more suffering on other people in order to get rid of their own suffering. In other words, people will yell at another person to grow up because they themselves can't grow up. This answer is highly debatable, I know that much, but I don't want to go that route. Like I said, this was the best answer I could get off of who I asked, which is a small pool of people in it of itself.

I did have several people, Shem included, tell me that I should just ignore people like Sarah. Blogs are meant to be able to vent and express feelings that would otherwise be damaging to anyone not capable of expressing themselves freely for one reason or another. That's what I've always used it for (outside of the silly little personality tests and, more recently, being a mock news site).

Well, this little event has apparently reached the offline realm.

I found a folded piece of paper in my student mail box this morning. In it was a copy of my blog, in particular the comment Sarah left. Coupled with it was an anonymous typed note. The person who sent me this said that I should take what Sarah said as good advice outside of the mean tone and spelling errors. I should start "living life in a aggressively positive manner."

Apparently, the person has read all of my blog. All three years of my blogging. The person sited a post recently indicating that I was burned-out or depressed. Knowing my most recent state of mind, I probably was. The person said that I left a key question out of the several that I asked. That question is "What am I going to do about it?" I'll answer this question later in this entry.

The person then said that problems will not fix themselves. That if I want to be better, I have to work at it. If I want a boyfriend, I have to act like the kind of guy I want to date. Loneliness isn't the problem, but the way I view the world is. The person suggested that I try to find different ways to become happier and fulfilled. That I try to find something that gives my life meaning.

Lastly, the note ends with the person stating that negativity repeals people. The only way I can have friends is if I am able to hold my head up high with self-esteem that other people can see, know, and admire. But only I can make that change. Only I can make that choice.

I'm sorry, but I did not ask for this. I appreciate the advice and the fact that something I said online, something I would never say in person, has made its way to my reality. I respect the person that went through all the trouble to read all three years of my complaining and bitching enough to appreciate the note. This person, whomever it is, is far better than Sarah is if not far more mature.

But I did not ask for this. I did not ask for my blog to be a reflection of who I am. I did not ask to be told the things I've been told over and over again, with people saying to me that if I'm being told these things over and over again, it must be fact. Factual statements have to be backed by proof, and to point out so-and-so saying that up until x-point he or she lived exactly like me doesn't stand up to me as scientific as the autopsy of Terri Shaivo.

I'm really sorry, but I never asked that something like this to happen. Yes, I'm more open about my life online than I should be. I talk about things I know I shouldn't. I should be more conservative as to how I go about saying what I feel and what happened today and my opinions. But I can't do that here.

Right now, I'm filled with a bitter confusion that is making want to know why the hell this had to happen. What did I do to Sarah, the person that left me the note, or anyone to make people think it was their moral obligation to give me advice I have heard and tried time and time again only to be slammed against a brick wall like I was some kind of playground toy? All I did, all I am doing, is typing down things in a public forum that I cannot say in public. All I am doing is what all other artists do! All I am doing is what all other writers do! All I am doing is what every angsty teenager with an internet connection and too much free time are doing daily! Why is it, then, that I am so different?

As greedy and self-centering as that sounds, I can't help but feel that way. Why would someone leave me an anonymous note in my mail box saying the same thing I've heard year after year but cannot make into a solid habitual practice? What makes me so special?

Recently, I had to read for philosophy an essay about if life is meaningful in any way, shape, or from. The end result seems to apply to this case.

A man is punished by the Gods to forever push a rock up a hill only to have the weight of the rock force it back down to the starting point, where the man returns and then pushes the rock up again. Forever and until the end of time, this must be done. On the face value, this life is meaningless. The man should just leave the rock where it is, but he continues to roll it. Maybe he fears a deadlier punishment from the Gods, maybe he likes to roll rocks. We don't know because all we know is what we are told. Given what we are told, this person's life has no meaning.

A young man in his early 20's does nothing but complain and bitch online for three years. There are occasional happy posts, but for the most part, the site is nothing but a shit pool of negativity and depression. Once again, the face value of this site is meaningless. The person, because this is all he does, is seen as meaningless. He should just stop, but he doesn't. This is all that most people are seeing when the come to his site. This is all that they know.

Yet the reason why I continue to complain on here is the same reason I'm making an effort to type this long entry before my next class. It is because I have a need to complain. I have a need to get this out before I end up going psycho on someone's ass! This is just who I am and what I do, and to be perfectly blunt about it, this is what I like to do. I like to complain. It helps me organize what would be otherwise irrational thoughts that would eventually explode in a cavalcade of I-don't-know-what's! It may not look it, but it helps me grow and slowly shape the way I think and view the world.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm not even asking for empathy. I sure as hell am not asking for people to have pity over the shit that I've gone through.

I'm just complaining.

Now, to address the question asked earlier. "What am I going to do about it?"

I do not like being asked this question. I never have an answer for it. What can I do and what I am going to do conflicts with what I want to do. What I want to do I cannot do. What I am going to do is not what I want to do. What I am going to do is probably something that I cannot do. What I can do is probably not what I want to do. What I am going to do is never what I can do or what I want to do. And over and over and over again until the confusion drives me to the realization that I cannot answer this question.

Why not, you may ask? It is not that simple. I can say what I am going to do time and time again, and maybe even do it, but that's as far as anyone can go. To ask "what are you going to do about your situation?" is pretty much asking "what is your next move?" Your next move, as if you are playing a game of chess. You look at what you are given, what you are capable of, and any opportunities that you can see before you. Then you strike. You answer this question based on the answers to the above.

So, let's apply this to me.

What do I have right now as far as my situation goes? I'm in college. I have a roof over my head. I have a family that I know loves me but doesn't show it to me in the way that would help me feel it. I have internet access. I have a way of getting to and from my classes as well as from here to home. I have it better off than most people, in much respect to what Sarah said.

What am I capably of? The only sure things I can say is that I can type my thoughts down with relative easy. Finding the right words for them may not be as easy, however. I don't think too highly of my artistic skills, but at least I have some. I know I'm capable of intelligent thought as well as stupid actions. I am able to understand most technological gadgets that I have ready access to.

So what opportunities are in front of me that I can use the above? The writing portion will help me through most of the paper work that is common in a college setting, which means I'm bound to be good at writing artist statements and final essays. (Thesis papers are still going to be hell, though.) My art skills will grow, hence why I'm in college and taking advantage of that opportunity as best I can. My intelligence is cancelled out by the fact that I'm so rash, which leads to these stupid actions. As for the technology part of what I am capable of? I'm already behind, as technology is moving faster than you can say "Bonus Stage".

I'm trying to be positive here, but even that is a difficult thing to do. So what do I do now? What am I going to do about where I am now with what I have going for me?

Get a job? I can't talk to people as well as I can articulate online.

Drive? I'm not responsible enough to keep up with the paperwork. Hell, I don't even know what happened to my folder with all my Student Loan information in it!

Change the out look of my life? Using what, if I may ask? What positive things can I utilize that I have listed could help me change how I view life?

By now you are probably frustrated as hell. I can't blame you. This entire entry is nothing but the streaming emotions and thoughts I'm having as I have them. Pure and uncensored. Offensive? Quite possibly. Meaningless? It all depends on how you look at it. But useless? No.

If I didn't post as much as I did, there is no telling what may happen or what I may do all because a person reading my blog left me a note in my mailbox. Lord knows that even if nothing happened, this event would bother the hell out of me and eat at my very spirit. And that is never a good thing.

I may not understand anything, but know damn well that if I don't have the answers, no other human being does either.