I Should Be Ashamed

Ever since he stopped taking his medication, for one reason or another, I have been playfully flirting with a person I should not be so attractive to. A red-head, tattooed, pierced-lip smoker named Patrick.

You would think that I would have learned my lesson after everything that I've been through with the emotional scarring of my past relationships (even though some people would think that is rather stupid of me seeing how technically I have never even been on a date let alone any kind of romantic relationship). Guess I'm a slower learner than I originally thought.

The thing is, I know I don't stand a chance with him. I'm not his type because, for one thing, I lack a vagina. He's got a girlfriend, and is very much "just do your own thing and stop bitching about things you can't control" in his way of thinking. On top of that, he's very talented as an artist to the point where I feel like a hack. Then again, pretty much everyone else in most of my studio classes makes me feel that way. And surprisingly, it doesn't take much to cause me to doubt my own abilities too.

In any event, today is the last day I'll probably see Pat, much how the last time I'll ever see Jason was at the gallery opening I went to during his Graduation Gallery. Unlike Jason, however, I'll be glad if I never see Pat after this.

I've never been too proud to admit when I'm wrong. I've never been too ashamed to admit that I'm wrong. But this is the first time where I feel like I should be ashamed because I did something I know is wrong but felt so right. I loved playing around with him and touching him the ways I did. It was nothing sexual, but at the same time it just felt right. But it wasn't right. I shouldn't have done some of those hug attacks (known as "glomps" in Gaia) or those flirty jabs to the gut. Hell, once I found out that he's straight, I should have backed off! But I didn't. I couldn't.

This is probably the second time I've been this ashamed of my sexuality. The first was in high school, but given all the angst and shit I had to deal with, I feel that was more of a given than anything important.

And now, for some reason, I feel I deserved to be stoned by all the religious people out there that are saying homosexuality is bad in general. I know I'm only one person out of many, but if I was the only gay person anyone ever knew, I'm not giving a good impression on what gay people are all about.