The Lonely Artist

Terry once said that grad school for an artist isn't a good thing for your social life. You are constantly at work in the studio to the point where any and every social event possible just passes you by.

I threw that to the wind thinking that wouldn't be the case. I would always have some time to myself. I would also have time for other people. However, I'm not too sure of that now.

Tonight, I talked to someone on the other end for the first time since I don't know when. Ryan. We made small talk, but the big part of our IMs were some important status updates given the lack of social contact.

It would appear no one talks about me at all over there. Everyone has their own life, and that is to be expected. They are as busy as I am, if not more so. My e-mails didn't make any sense to them because it sounded like I was trying to get them to drop everything and help me. When in reality, all I was doing was offering them an original piece of art in the hope that they could be my model for an assignment I have yet to start on (which is due this coming Thursday).

I've been going to bed early for several nights now, and I began to get tired at around 21:00. I said what proper good-byes I could and tried to go to sleep.

I couldn't.

The loneliness kept me awake, and soon it turned into a depression that nothing could solve. Even now that I am clear of my personal challenge, viewing porn doesn't help the loneliness go away. It just reminds me of several things I will never have.

I locked myself practically in the studios all Spring Break. Erin jokingly said she was convinced I was living in the school. What little social interaction potential I could have had then was lost all for the sake of getting a good grade.

I'm a confusing person. I don't go out, I like my solitude, but I hate being lonely. I need to accept the fact that I am not going to ever be desirable to anyone. I have to accept the fact that I will never be of any kind of personal interest to anyone. I'm just too far out there for anyone to feel comfortable when they are around me.

I have no one to blame but myself for this. It's my fault for cutting off most of my most treasured social connections in the name of my education. It's my own fault that I'm so withdrawn from society. It's my own fault that I am alone.

And it's my own fault that I cannot accept the fact that I will always be alone.