Movie Trivia # 026: A Bloody Little Gaffe

Just before young Indy (River Phoenix) receives his trademark fedora (in 1989's Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade), he gets roughed up and the dribbling blood on his chin switches from the left side to the right side.

On a personal note, I think River Phoenix looks hot! Too bad he died, but all of the pictures I've Googled of him in the past are really nice. He was such a beautiful person and, from what I understand, a great actor as well.

This and other Movie Trivia posts brought to you by Roman Soldiers Don't Wear Watches by Bill Givens.

Site Forest

I saw this on G4TechTV one night and decided to give it a try. I was curious as to what my blog may look like as a cyber forest based on the HTML codes in all of the pages.



This is what texone.org's tree program was able to produce before it ultimately crashed because of how large my blog is. I knew my blog was big, but this puts things into a new perspective.

If you have the time and the Java upgrade, try this little toy out with your site or your favorite one.

I Should Be Ashamed

Ever since he stopped taking his medication, for one reason or another, I have been playfully flirting with a person I should not be so attractive to. A red-head, tattooed, pierced-lip smoker named Patrick.

You would think that I would have learned my lesson after everything that I've been through with the emotional scarring of my past relationships (even though some people would think that is rather stupid of me seeing how technically I have never even been on a date let alone any kind of romantic relationship). Guess I'm a slower learner than I originally thought.

The thing is, I know I don't stand a chance with him. I'm not his type because, for one thing, I lack a vagina. He's got a girlfriend, and is very much "just do your own thing and stop bitching about things you can't control" in his way of thinking. On top of that, he's very talented as an artist to the point where I feel like a hack. Then again, pretty much everyone else in most of my studio classes makes me feel that way. And surprisingly, it doesn't take much to cause me to doubt my own abilities too.

In any event, today is the last day I'll probably see Pat, much how the last time I'll ever see Jason was at the gallery opening I went to during his Graduation Gallery. Unlike Jason, however, I'll be glad if I never see Pat after this.

I've never been too proud to admit when I'm wrong. I've never been too ashamed to admit that I'm wrong. But this is the first time where I feel like I should be ashamed because I did something I know is wrong but felt so right. I loved playing around with him and touching him the ways I did. It was nothing sexual, but at the same time it just felt right. But it wasn't right. I shouldn't have done some of those hug attacks (known as "glomps" in Gaia) or those flirty jabs to the gut. Hell, once I found out that he's straight, I should have backed off! But I didn't. I couldn't.

This is probably the second time I've been this ashamed of my sexuality. The first was in high school, but given all the angst and shit I had to deal with, I feel that was more of a given than anything important.

And now, for some reason, I feel I deserved to be stoned by all the religious people out there that are saying homosexuality is bad in general. I know I'm only one person out of many, but if I was the only gay person anyone ever knew, I'm not giving a good impression on what gay people are all about.

Video of Police Handcuffed 5-Year-Old Girl Released

Remember this story? Well, there's been an update.

The 30-minute tape shows the child appearing to calm down before three officers pinned her arms behind her back and put on handcuffs as she screamed, "No!"

The camera was rolling March 14 as part of a classroom self-improvement exercise at Fairmount Park Elementary, attorney John Trevena said.

Trevena, who provided the tape to the media this week, said he got it from police.

"The image itself will be seared into people's minds when you have three police officers bending a child over a table and forcibly handcuffing her," said Trevena, who represents the girl's mother, Inga Akins.

I have this bad feeling this will come as another black mark for the men in blue. Unfortunately, I have yet to see the video myself, and there was no link to it on Yahoo!

My First Box of Pocky

I have officially taken my first steps into the realm of Anime Dorks with this first box of Pocky. And man, do these things taste good!

Movie Trivia # 025: Picking on the Biggies - Cape Fear

I would have posted this earlier, but when I noticed I turned to a "Picking on the Biggies" section, I thought it was best to wait until I had more time.

Cinema master Martin Scorsese is not immune from flubbing--even in a film as precisely and suspensefullly assembled as Cape Fear (1991). Perhaps the most noticed flub in it happens when Ileanna Douglas and Robert De Niro chat in a bar. As she talks, the top button on her blouse is undone. Seconds later she buttons it, then it goes back to unbuttoned and buttoned without her ever touching it.

Later De Niro watches as Nick Nolte checks in at the airline ticket counter before boarding a plane. De Niro then asks the agent if Nolte is on the flight and when he is returning. Try that yourself and see what kind of response you get. According to a flub spotter in the know, airlines do not allow ticket agents to release this information. It takes a high-ranking official with proper security clearance to pull up a passenger list.

Young Juliette Lewis has a bit of a problem with the family vehicle. She says that she's grounded from driving the Jeep Cherokee as punishment for smoking. Unless someone traded cars in the meanwhile, when the family flees they're in a Jeep Wagoneer. Small difference, but a goof nonetheless.

Another flub relates to Nick Nolte's statement that he had to go to hearings before the American Bar Association as a result of his criminal actions towards De Niro. We have this on high authority--no less than the Hon. Stanley M. Billingsley, of the 15th Judicial District of Kentucky. Judge Billingsley points out that the ABA doesn't license lawyers and has no authority to disbar them; it is a national lobbying association. Nolte would more properly have to go before the North Carolina Bar Association, given that Cape Fear is in that state.

This and other Movie Trivia posts brought to you by Roman Soldiers Don't Wear Watches by Bill Givens.

From devotional objects to T-shirts: the new pope goes on virtual sale

From Yahoo! News:

The auction sites eBay Austria and eBay Germany offered nearly 3,000 articles which had some connection with the new pontiff elected Tuesday by the cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church.

Hundreds of photographs and portraits "signed" by Benedict XVI but also rosary beads with his name and books with his picture were on auction.

T-shirts with the inscription "We are the pope. You too!", "Benedict XVI" stickers and fridge magnets with pictures of the pope, were also on offer at Internet auction sites.

More original, was an enamel coffee pot with a photograph of the pontiff which was on sale for 14.99 euros (19.60 dollars) but was not immediately snapped up.

Euro coins with the image of the new pope, which appeared less than 20 hours after the election of Ratzinger, were also on auction.

People will do anything for a buck. It makes me sick sometimes how everything revolves around money and capital. Kind of makes me wish we went back to the whole "even trade" idea of "You give me food and I'll draw a picture of your wife." That is, if that ever existed in the past.

By the way, did you noticed that the US dollar isn't worth as much as the Euro? Back in 2000 when they were first introducing the Euro, it broke even with the US dollar. Five years later, our collection of printed past presidents isn't worth that much in the Old World.

Metal-Grinding Zen Moment

Grinding down metal for sculpture never really came across as zen-like until now. Thoughts came through my head that I never really would think about as a way to clear my mind. The most interesting one besides the one I'll talk about in greater length is why the hell the new Pope looks like Palpatine. It's the smile. It looks like the Dark Lord of the Sith himself.

In any event, another more important thought came across my head while working in class.

Why is it that people feel the need to tell me how to live my life when I don't ever tell them how to live theirs? It makes no sense to me at all! If treating people the way you want to be treated holds true, then why am I being told how to live my life when I clearly don't say to people that they should stop smoking or drinking or whatever else I disapprove of?

Case in point, I was telling someone about my camera problem and a person next to him said to just go out and buy one on eBay. All I have to do is get a money order and mail it snail mail. If that doesn't work, hand him the going price for the camera I broke and tell my dad that's it. Case close. I'm done.

I could have said what I normally say to Bill and Dan and David and everyone else on IMs that tell me to get my shit together, but I didn't. I just took it in and then tossed it to the back-burner knowing full well that what the person suggested isn't how I operate.

This is just one case out of many. I don't know why people won't let people complain. And to top it off, why is it people tell other people how to live when they don't ask for it? Why offer "free advice" to someone that doesn't give you some in return?

I have never told anyone how to live their life. I may not approve of some of their choices like drug habits or picking a school that they shouldn't have for whatever reason, but I certainly don't tell them that they should do this or that or something else other than what they are doing. Why should I be in charge of someone else's life?

The question can apply the other way as well. Why should everyone else be in charge of my life?

So what if I complain and not do anything to better myself in their view? Is it really worth telling me that I should be doing this instead as if I could easily get up and do it like a machine?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that whole "Do unto others as you would like other to do unto you" thing is false. People are going to give you advice when you never give any. People are going to tell you how to live when you don't tell them how to. However, that could also mean that people will give you money when give nothing back, which in the moral sense of the situation is a bad thing. Either way, the way you treat other people doesn't mean they will treat you the same way back. At least, that's my experience as of late. For the most part.

Black & White and Blue

For the first time this semester, I couldn't enjoy being in Black & White photo.

My teacher took a look at the busted camera and said that it was pretty much lost. He could fix it if he could get inside the casing, but he knew that if he did, things would just get worst. There's a lot of little and very precise pieces of machinery in that 30-year-old camera. One false move and it could be in worst shape than it is now.

I had several options, all of which ended up canceling out into just one.

The first of which was to wait on the school camera. The school has one 35mm manual camera they will let students check out. Well, it was gone for finals in another student's name.

The second option was to wait on my teacher's camera, which he let another student have for finals as her camera kept scratching the film. She won't be done with it until the following Wednesday, which doesn't give me enough time to work.

The last option is to just go ahead and develop the nine shots I had on the roll of film. I, personally, didn't like this option because of how much film I was going to waste.

But seeing as I had no other choice, I went ahead and developed the roll.

Not in the mood to print, I made a poor excuse for a contact sheet and showed what I had to my teacher. He said I had enough for six new prints. That would mean that I'm one short, as the assignment for the final was seven new prints and three older prints that would fit in the series.

Being the nice guy my teacher is, he said we'll figure out something.

At this point, I needed comfort food. That normally means something Italian. Unfortunately, the pizza shop across the parking lot was closed, so I resorted to having a gyro. Not exactly comfort food, but it will do.

Looks like Jonny's going to have to buy a new camera for Dad, which makes no sense because the last time he used the one I broke was about 10 years ago.

I broke it!

This couldn't have happened at a worst time!

I am now without a camera to use on my Black & White Photo final!

I was setting up the tripod on the staircase to my room in order to get a shot of the floor I liked. I didn't want to change out lenses, so I tried my damned to make sure the tripod would be able to stay put between two steps. As such, two legs of the tripod were longer than the other one.

Given how little light I had, I attached my shutter cable to the camera. This is to ensure that my camera doesn't shake when I hit the shutter button causing my picture to come out all crappy and blurry.

I couldn't see if I was focused or not, so I decided to turn on some lights. Because my stairwell is so narrow, I tried my best to get around the camera without knocking it over. When I thought I was in the clear, I turned to turn on a few lights.

That's when I heard a crashing sound.

I turned around and saw the camera, tripod and all, fell down the stairs. I quickly went to it as if it was a toddler that fell down instead of a camera. I checked for damages of any kind. That's when I saw the horror.

The shutter button was pressed in farther than it was suppose to go. The force of the fall caused the shutter cable to push it into the camera casing. The fall also broke my shutter cable to the point where it is completely useless. Also, the angle of the fall cause the shutter cable to push the shutter button at an angle that caused the metal casing of the camera to pop out some. Why? Because it pushed the button at an angle strong enough to misalign it with whatever mechanism inside that actually opens the shutter. I also cannot see through the view finder.

In a state of panic, I tried to see if I could at least advance my film, but I couldn't. If I couldn't even do that, I wasn't going to attempt rewinding it. The last thing I need to happen is to lose 10 shots because of a light leak.

I couldn't do anything, so I did the one thing I could do. I told my dad.

Needless to say, because it is his camera and an antique, he was really pissed. I showed him the camera, and he tried to fix it as best he could. He was able to get the shutter button back to where it was suppose to be, but it was still misaligned. It wouldn't press down the right way, and I still couldn't advance the film. Dad believes something inside broke as well during the fall.

My film, however, is pretty much stuck inside now. Frame 11, for all I know, is being overexposed as we speak having been left open for well over an hour while being moved from place to place. The best I can hope for is that the light doesn't leak into the other frames.

Knowing my aunt takes pictures, I asked if I could use her camera. She said no. She has film in her camera, and she would like to finish that roll. Needless to say, the only time she takes pictures is whenever the urge comes.

Defeated completely, I fired off an emergency e-mail to my teacher explaining the situation.

There goes my final for Black & White.

Oregon Coast Photos Added

For more pictures, make sure to visit
Photographic Memories.

As some of you may have seen if you visted my flickr profile, I have five pictures of the Oregon coast that I found buried in our surviving albums. Originally planned to be the first set in May, I decided to add them to Photographic Memories early.

I may or may not do what I was planning on Cinco de Mayo, which is to add the pictures from the trip to Mexico my family took in 2001. We'll see what happens.

Enjoy the pictures, as well as the others found at Photographic Memories!

Movie Trivia # 024: Midair Collusions

Tom Cruise's wristwatch changes during the training flight in Top Gun (1986) from the one he had on when he boarded the plane. But then again, what can we expect since in the final battle the tail number on his plane changes several times in mid-flight?

This and other Movie Trivia posts brought to you by Roman Soldiers Don't Wear Watches by Bill Givens.

Woman sold daughter for car; Second daughter allegedly forced into prostitution

From CNN:

A woman was arrested for allegedly forcing her 12-year-old daughter into prostitution and trading a 14-year-old daughter for a car.

The 39-year-old woman was charged with aggravated child abuse and sexual performance by a child. Both girls have been turned over to the Department of Children & Families.

I can't even form a coherent thought now because of this. Just more proof society is going to Hell.

We need a DOCTOR, Stupid!

Remember a long time ago when I posted that the drama at Watkins was pretty much done with?

Well, it's not.

In my mailbox and posted all over the school was an open community letter stating that we were pretty much lied to. The letter made it sound like the Dean had switched his target over to another teacher, Barbara Yontz, and was going to fire the best and only Art History teacher in the school. However, this is pretty much trivial given what information I got from one of my teachers.

In reality, it would appear that the Dean is just relocating her. Where? Obviously not in the Fine Arts department where she is now. She is being relocated to the Liberal Arts department.

Why? Because the is moving Art History classes over to the Liberal Arts department in order to meet some standards the school has to have in order to get state accreditation. Watkins already is a National Accredited College, but not a State Accredited College.

However, he must not have read the fine print. According to the teachers, just because the Liberal Arts department has two full-time teachers there that excel in history and English doesn't mean that Watkins will qualify. The new full-time Liberal Arts employee must have a doctrine in history.

And guess who doesn't have one? That's right, Yontz.

Furthermore, not all the classes she teaches fall under the Liberal Arts/General Education banner. The only ones that do are the Art History Survey classes I took, as they are a foundation class for everyone no matter what their major is. The other classes she teaches are mostly aimed at Fine Arts students. Also, I'm told that even though she excels in teaching the history of the arts, she is an excellent painting teacher and has substituted for several drawing classes. In short, she's more than "just a history teacher."

I think our Dean needs to go see two doctors. One that he'll hire to get state accreditation, and another to check his head out. There's got to be a screw loose or something, because he's obviously don't doing his job right.

A Smile On My Face

This is probably going to make me late in getting my breakfast and other things that I normally do in the morning, but I don't care at this point.

Bill sent me an e-mail. In it, he explained himself to him as to what happened the night he said that he forgot about me. He had to be somewhere important and was on a strict time table. Something that I always step to the side with whatever else may prevent anyone from doing something important.

He also said that he felt he should have acted on when I said that I missed him instead of saying what he did. He felt like he may have lost an opportunity to start up an old friendship. Hence the e-mail.

I don't know what to say. His e-mail gave me a smile and a feeling I haven't had in a long time. It's nothing compared to the time I got to hug Jason, but it's definitely right up there.

Bill means a lot to me. He may be straight, but I love him like a brother. Funny thing is, like a brother, we get into our fair share of disagreements. But I still love him and care about me deeply. I only hope for the best for him. If I found out something bad happened to him, I don't know what I would do. I'd probably end up killing myself from the inside out.

However, Bill is no fool. He said in his e-mail that he wasn't sure if he should or even if I wanted to be friends again. I'm an emotional wreck most of the time, and like I've been told countless times, no one likes that. He wants to be, and I can tell. He said that old friendships are important to him, as they are to me.

I sent a reply back with a rather lengthy introduction expressing my feelings and pretty much everything else until I got to the point. I still feel like I shouldn't have wrote as much, but I feel very comfortable around Bill. I always have after I got to know him better.

Looking back at the semester, I made time for all of my projects, but I never made time for the one thing that is more important to me than my education. The few friends I had when I started. I never should have done that. I regret having pushed them aside in the name of my own educational growth.

What educational growth? Over the course of the semester, I've grown to hate drawing and frustrated with the unpredictability of sculptures. Then again, I did discover the fun of developing your own photos, so all is not lost.

In any event, Bill's e-mail was a much needed wake up call. If there is one person that can do what it is to get me out of a depression slump, it's probably Bill. I don't know what it is, but he has a way of getting inside your head and making you think without you even knowing it! It's lethal! But, in a good way when he uses it.

So, come Thursday night, when my classes are all said and done for the day, I'm going to make time for Bill. If not, well, I better be dead then. That's all I can say.

Gay porn recruiter hits Michigan campuses

From PlanetOut:

Porn producer Derek Ward, 24, calls it his "College Campus Invasion Tour." Flyers have gone up at the University of Michigan, Michigan State University, Western Michigan University, Grand Valley State University and Wayne State University. At Eastern Michigan University, Ward is holding an on-campus promotional event every Saturday in April.

"These are guys right from campus. It's people who are really from these colleges," said Ward, owner of MidwestXBois, a pornography production company based in Ann Arbor, Mich.

Spokespersons for the universities said they were alarmed.

Pam Young, Eastern Michigan University director of university communications, told the newspaper, "We haven't heard anything about this, and there are systems in place to detect this."

I'm sure there are a lot of things going on with your college students that you are really not aware of. I mean, have you looked at sites like College Fuck Fest? Granted "reality porn" is about as real as most of the reality TV programs out there, but it's the same thing. It wouldn't surprise me if some time this week some other big university frat house has a party that turns into a public sex show for a bunch of drunk twenty-somethings.

Another New Blog

I started a blog called Photographic Memories as a way around my problem with Flickr. It may not be what I wanted, but it's better than nothing.

For this month, I have all of my Italy pictures up on the new blog. They will stay on the blog even once the images fall off my Photostream. You can view the other pictures I uploaded recently via the Daily Zeitgeist or by actually visiting my Flickr profile. Those pictures won't be posted on the blog until next month (provided I can remember).

Oh well, I'm just following in "her" (You know who you are.) footsteps. I mean, she had a photoblog at one point.

One last note. I'm republishing this entire site, as I apparently found some dead pages. That means that all of my archives are going to show this post as the most recent post I had up. Not a big problem, but it does kind of annoy the side of me that likes real-time updates.

False Advertisement or My Own Stupidity

If you go here and read through everything, you'll get a general idea as to why I'm getting a headache now.

It would appear that Flickr isn't what I thought it was.

I thought it was a site where I can upload an unlimited amount of photos and all of them would be viewable. I thought my only limits were that only 10 MB of upload traffic can be allowed during a calendar month and that I was only allowed three sets under the Free Account option. I was under the impression that the 100 "Photostream" feature was more of a "Most Recent Uploaded" feature.

Turns out that apparently I can only show 100 pictures under the free account, and once that happens, any that roll over the limit are not generally accessible to anyone. That is, unless I have a pro-account.

Right now, I'm having mixed feelings about this. I like the site and all its goodies, but the fact that I can only upload and share 100 pictures at any given time isn't weighing in as well as the fact that Photobucket will let me share all the photos I can fit given the storage space and monthly bandwidth limitations. However, while Photobucket could potentially let me have several more pictures than what I have right now, Flickr lets people comment about the picture as well as let me highlight certain areas of the picture to point out something interesting.

Both, however, offer some kind of unlimited key if I can lay down the cash.

I'll never find an absolute free and limitless photo sharing site. I'm surprised Blogger hasn't set limitations on my free account yet, but at the same time very thankful that they haven't considered having paid members.

If anyone reading this knows of a free site I can share my photos with that works the way I want it to (no storage limits, album/set options, able to leave comments, can show all photos at any time, etc.), please let me know in the comments section.

Movie Trivia # 023: The Revolt Begins at Nine O'Clock Sharp

In Spartacus (1860), it seems that some soldiers didn't want to be late for battle. Look closely. You'll see several wearing wristwatches. And some of them wanted to make sure that they'd be sure-footed in the heat of battle. You can see more than one soldier charging up a hill wearing tennis shoes.

This and other Movie Trivia posts brought to you by Roman Soldiers Don't Wear Watches by Bill Givens.

I Gave In

I'm following "her" (I'm still trying to get used to the new name, sorry.) example and became a member of Flickr. For now, the little Daily Zeitgeist that I have on the site is going to show every member of Flickr's photos.

Once I have the time, I'll be uploading old vacation photos from Italy and our last family trip as a family to the Grand Canyon (or "the big ditch", as my dad calls it). Then, once the semester is over, I'll transfer all my Black & White photos over from Photobucket.

I'm keeping Photobucket as an image hosting site. Apparently, when I signed up for Flickr, one of the things I had to agree with in order to join is to not use the site as an image hosting site. Oh well, minor thing now anyway.

We are planning to pour molten aluminum today in sculpture, so I plan on taking pictures of that event. I need new pictures for my final anyway.

State of the Blog

I need to address something that has recently happened online and has grown big enough to filter into my real life relations of whatever kind.

Recently, a person named Sarah (real name or alias, I don't know) left a comment that made me ask several people I know on Gaia a question.

Why is it people believe that it will help if they yell at person that they don't like because of how they act or what they are?

After filtering through each of the "this person is an asshole and has nothing better to do" statements, the best answer I could come up with from the group that I questioned is this. People that are suffering seem to cause more suffering on other people in order to get rid of their own suffering. In other words, people will yell at another person to grow up because they themselves can't grow up. This answer is highly debatable, I know that much, but I don't want to go that route. Like I said, this was the best answer I could get off of who I asked, which is a small pool of people in it of itself.

I did have several people, Shem included, tell me that I should just ignore people like Sarah. Blogs are meant to be able to vent and express feelings that would otherwise be damaging to anyone not capable of expressing themselves freely for one reason or another. That's what I've always used it for (outside of the silly little personality tests and, more recently, being a mock news site).

Well, this little event has apparently reached the offline realm.

I found a folded piece of paper in my student mail box this morning. In it was a copy of my blog, in particular the comment Sarah left. Coupled with it was an anonymous typed note. The person who sent me this said that I should take what Sarah said as good advice outside of the mean tone and spelling errors. I should start "living life in a aggressively positive manner."

Apparently, the person has read all of my blog. All three years of my blogging. The person sited a post recently indicating that I was burned-out or depressed. Knowing my most recent state of mind, I probably was. The person said that I left a key question out of the several that I asked. That question is "What am I going to do about it?" I'll answer this question later in this entry.

The person then said that problems will not fix themselves. That if I want to be better, I have to work at it. If I want a boyfriend, I have to act like the kind of guy I want to date. Loneliness isn't the problem, but the way I view the world is. The person suggested that I try to find different ways to become happier and fulfilled. That I try to find something that gives my life meaning.

Lastly, the note ends with the person stating that negativity repeals people. The only way I can have friends is if I am able to hold my head up high with self-esteem that other people can see, know, and admire. But only I can make that change. Only I can make that choice.

I'm sorry, but I did not ask for this. I appreciate the advice and the fact that something I said online, something I would never say in person, has made its way to my reality. I respect the person that went through all the trouble to read all three years of my complaining and bitching enough to appreciate the note. This person, whomever it is, is far better than Sarah is if not far more mature.

But I did not ask for this. I did not ask for my blog to be a reflection of who I am. I did not ask to be told the things I've been told over and over again, with people saying to me that if I'm being told these things over and over again, it must be fact. Factual statements have to be backed by proof, and to point out so-and-so saying that up until x-point he or she lived exactly like me doesn't stand up to me as scientific as the autopsy of Terri Shaivo.

I'm really sorry, but I never asked that something like this to happen. Yes, I'm more open about my life online than I should be. I talk about things I know I shouldn't. I should be more conservative as to how I go about saying what I feel and what happened today and my opinions. But I can't do that here.

Right now, I'm filled with a bitter confusion that is making want to know why the hell this had to happen. What did I do to Sarah, the person that left me the note, or anyone to make people think it was their moral obligation to give me advice I have heard and tried time and time again only to be slammed against a brick wall like I was some kind of playground toy? All I did, all I am doing, is typing down things in a public forum that I cannot say in public. All I am doing is what all other artists do! All I am doing is what all other writers do! All I am doing is what every angsty teenager with an internet connection and too much free time are doing daily! Why is it, then, that I am so different?

As greedy and self-centering as that sounds, I can't help but feel that way. Why would someone leave me an anonymous note in my mail box saying the same thing I've heard year after year but cannot make into a solid habitual practice? What makes me so special?

Recently, I had to read for philosophy an essay about if life is meaningful in any way, shape, or from. The end result seems to apply to this case.

A man is punished by the Gods to forever push a rock up a hill only to have the weight of the rock force it back down to the starting point, where the man returns and then pushes the rock up again. Forever and until the end of time, this must be done. On the face value, this life is meaningless. The man should just leave the rock where it is, but he continues to roll it. Maybe he fears a deadlier punishment from the Gods, maybe he likes to roll rocks. We don't know because all we know is what we are told. Given what we are told, this person's life has no meaning.

A young man in his early 20's does nothing but complain and bitch online for three years. There are occasional happy posts, but for the most part, the site is nothing but a shit pool of negativity and depression. Once again, the face value of this site is meaningless. The person, because this is all he does, is seen as meaningless. He should just stop, but he doesn't. This is all that most people are seeing when the come to his site. This is all that they know.

Yet the reason why I continue to complain on here is the same reason I'm making an effort to type this long entry before my next class. It is because I have a need to complain. I have a need to get this out before I end up going psycho on someone's ass! This is just who I am and what I do, and to be perfectly blunt about it, this is what I like to do. I like to complain. It helps me organize what would be otherwise irrational thoughts that would eventually explode in a cavalcade of I-don't-know-what's! It may not look it, but it helps me grow and slowly shape the way I think and view the world.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm not even asking for empathy. I sure as hell am not asking for people to have pity over the shit that I've gone through.

I'm just complaining.

Now, to address the question asked earlier. "What am I going to do about it?"

I do not like being asked this question. I never have an answer for it. What can I do and what I am going to do conflicts with what I want to do. What I want to do I cannot do. What I am going to do is not what I want to do. What I am going to do is probably something that I cannot do. What I can do is probably not what I want to do. What I am going to do is never what I can do or what I want to do. And over and over and over again until the confusion drives me to the realization that I cannot answer this question.

Why not, you may ask? It is not that simple. I can say what I am going to do time and time again, and maybe even do it, but that's as far as anyone can go. To ask "what are you going to do about your situation?" is pretty much asking "what is your next move?" Your next move, as if you are playing a game of chess. You look at what you are given, what you are capable of, and any opportunities that you can see before you. Then you strike. You answer this question based on the answers to the above.

So, let's apply this to me.

What do I have right now as far as my situation goes? I'm in college. I have a roof over my head. I have a family that I know loves me but doesn't show it to me in the way that would help me feel it. I have internet access. I have a way of getting to and from my classes as well as from here to home. I have it better off than most people, in much respect to what Sarah said.

What am I capably of? The only sure things I can say is that I can type my thoughts down with relative easy. Finding the right words for them may not be as easy, however. I don't think too highly of my artistic skills, but at least I have some. I know I'm capable of intelligent thought as well as stupid actions. I am able to understand most technological gadgets that I have ready access to.

So what opportunities are in front of me that I can use the above? The writing portion will help me through most of the paper work that is common in a college setting, which means I'm bound to be good at writing artist statements and final essays. (Thesis papers are still going to be hell, though.) My art skills will grow, hence why I'm in college and taking advantage of that opportunity as best I can. My intelligence is cancelled out by the fact that I'm so rash, which leads to these stupid actions. As for the technology part of what I am capable of? I'm already behind, as technology is moving faster than you can say "Bonus Stage".

I'm trying to be positive here, but even that is a difficult thing to do. So what do I do now? What am I going to do about where I am now with what I have going for me?

Get a job? I can't talk to people as well as I can articulate online.

Drive? I'm not responsible enough to keep up with the paperwork. Hell, I don't even know what happened to my folder with all my Student Loan information in it!

Change the out look of my life? Using what, if I may ask? What positive things can I utilize that I have listed could help me change how I view life?

By now you are probably frustrated as hell. I can't blame you. This entire entry is nothing but the streaming emotions and thoughts I'm having as I have them. Pure and uncensored. Offensive? Quite possibly. Meaningless? It all depends on how you look at it. But useless? No.

If I didn't post as much as I did, there is no telling what may happen or what I may do all because a person reading my blog left me a note in my mailbox. Lord knows that even if nothing happened, this event would bother the hell out of me and eat at my very spirit. And that is never a good thing.

I may not understand anything, but know damn well that if I don't have the answers, no other human being does either.

Bill Would Let Patients Pick Nurse Gender

From Yahoo! News:

Rep. Les Gara's bill would allow mental health patients in institutions with a staff of 10 or more to make a gender preference for intimate care. If a staff member of the same sex is not available to accommodate the request, the hospital must document the reason.

"It's about the basic right of the most vulnerable patients to be treated with dignity," Gara, D-Anchorage, told the House Health, Education and Social Services Committee last week.

He argued that patients who have suffered sexual abuse could be further traumatized by having a member of the opposite sex bathe or clothe them.

Given the case they are using in the article as an example, I can see how this could be a good thing.

Yet a part of me fears for the women nurses who will no doubt be picked by perverted male patients with nurse fantasies.

Error Puts Strippers on Public Access TV

From Yahoo! News:

Viewers expecting to see the latest local meeting on their public access channel got an eyeful recently when Cablevision played a tape of nude dancers accidentally.

Hopewell Junction resident George Morton returned home from Palm Sunday Mass and turned on his television to see a striptease contest.

"I thought, this is terrible," Morton said. "I don't get HBO or anything like that."

"When it was detected, the programming was removed immediately," Cablevision spokesman Bill Powers said. "We have taken appropriate steps to prevent this from happening again."

Morton said he planned to file a complaint with the Federal Communications Commission.

I can't say anything outside of the fact that people make mistakes. Lord knows I've made several already. The only exception here is that the people in charge of Cablevision now have to pay a fine for their mistake while I have to live with the end results of my mistakes.

I wonder who's worst off.

Refused kiss costs girl, 15, her life

From CNN:

For Elisa Hernandez, no meant no -- and a tragic death at age 15.

When a frustrated suitor named Alfred Bishop asked her for a kiss, she refused him. Again and again, he asked. She said no. When he pulled out a revolver and pointed at her head, Atlantic County Prosecutor Jeffrey Blitz said, she pushed it away.

"She laughed him off," Blitz said.

The rejection cost her: After being rebuffed, Bishop shot her through the eye, cutting short the life of a bubbly, self-assured high school sophomore who loved hip-hop and dancing and went by "Lisa," according to authorities.

Bishop, 21, was captured in Washington, D.C. He was being held without bail.

Do I even need to say it?

The one person I miss the most...

...doesn't miss me at all.

I talked to Bill for the first time in a long time after a brief but pleasent chat with David.

He didn't remember me at first. He had to ask David who I was. Then he remembered everything.

Over the course of catching up with each other, I expressed my feelings to Bill. I said that I missed him a lot. He said he can't say the same for me. He forgot about me for the most part. His steel-trap memory has become a selective one that pushes away things that he feels are not important and trivial in nature.

I guess that includes me.

This hurts. Not as much as it should, seeing how I'm apparently used to this, but it still hurts. I miss Bill. I missed him so much over the course of the semester. I think about him when I'm in the very heart of my work hoping against hope he would walk in and surprise me. But he's pretty much forgotten me. He barely remembers who I am.

Earlier, I posted a rather cryptic entry about how I can see that I've burned a bridge down that lead to an island of golden light. I never meantioned that this was a dream. Maybe, looking back on this, that dream was actually a vision. The moment I dreamt it was probably the moment that Bill forgot about me because of how he didn't feel the need to remember me for whatever reasons he may have.

So what do I do now? How do you recover from something like this? How does one live after being told the one person you can't help but think about from time to time has forgoten about you?

A better question is "why would you want to live?"

The Lonely Artist

Terry once said that grad school for an artist isn't a good thing for your social life. You are constantly at work in the studio to the point where any and every social event possible just passes you by.

I threw that to the wind thinking that wouldn't be the case. I would always have some time to myself. I would also have time for other people. However, I'm not too sure of that now.

Tonight, I talked to someone on the other end for the first time since I don't know when. Ryan. We made small talk, but the big part of our IMs were some important status updates given the lack of social contact.

It would appear no one talks about me at all over there. Everyone has their own life, and that is to be expected. They are as busy as I am, if not more so. My e-mails didn't make any sense to them because it sounded like I was trying to get them to drop everything and help me. When in reality, all I was doing was offering them an original piece of art in the hope that they could be my model for an assignment I have yet to start on (which is due this coming Thursday).

I've been going to bed early for several nights now, and I began to get tired at around 21:00. I said what proper good-byes I could and tried to go to sleep.

I couldn't.

The loneliness kept me awake, and soon it turned into a depression that nothing could solve. Even now that I am clear of my personal challenge, viewing porn doesn't help the loneliness go away. It just reminds me of several things I will never have.

I locked myself practically in the studios all Spring Break. Erin jokingly said she was convinced I was living in the school. What little social interaction potential I could have had then was lost all for the sake of getting a good grade.

I'm a confusing person. I don't go out, I like my solitude, but I hate being lonely. I need to accept the fact that I am not going to ever be desirable to anyone. I have to accept the fact that I will never be of any kind of personal interest to anyone. I'm just too far out there for anyone to feel comfortable when they are around me.

I have no one to blame but myself for this. It's my fault for cutting off most of my most treasured social connections in the name of my education. It's my own fault that I'm so withdrawn from society. It's my own fault that I am alone.

And it's my own fault that I cannot accept the fact that I will always be alone.

Happy Birth Month, Mr. President

It seems only appropriate that today I feel like the fool I am.

This month is the birth month of someone very special to me. That is, unless I'm totally mistaken, which just is further proof that I'm not as good a friend as most people can be.

I still think about him from time to time. I expect him to pop up sometimes when I think about him. Coming around the corner beaming like the sun with the intent to talk to me and no one else. Girlfriend in tow, he'd introduce himself and her to me.

And then from there, my imagination stops, because it knows better. It knows that it cannot even dream of what will come after that little introduction.

Today, at this very moment, I feel like the fool I really am. I am a fool for not remembering his birthday. I am fool for not being able to attend because of finals in all of my classes. I am a fool for only remembering that he will be turning 18 this year.

But I'm no fool when I say this. Once he turns that magical number that makes him an adult, the world is going to change with him. I'll be damned if they don't.

Movie Trivia # 022: Holy Moses

Perhaps the most egregious appearance of a watch in a historical movie happens in one of the greatest epics of them all--The Ten Commandments (1956)--when a blind man is seen wearing one on his wrist. Wonder if they made Braille timepieces back then?

This and other Movie Trivia posts brought to you by Roman Soldiers Don't Wear Watches by Bill Givens.