I Need A New Life Passion

For the first time in a long time, I honestly feel like I don't belong here.

What do I mean by 'here?' I mean Watkins. I don't feel like I belong here. Yes, I enjoy my time here, and I love all the projects that I'm doing, but I just don't feel like I belong.

Some students were talking at the start of class with Terry about Erin, our shop tech, getting her Fellowship (whatever that is) with an Ohio Grad School. Terry said that Erin told him the school is very similar to Watkins. The students spend all night working on projects they care about, and people help out other people. There is a nice support network and a very strong sense of community in that school, much like at Watkins.

I don't know, but just a while ago the idea of being a part of a community finally sunk in. And I'm not a part of this community or any other community that is seen in even a remotely positive light.

Why?

For starters, I don't really go to any of the various art shows that I get invites to. Mostly because I can't make them. Meanwhile, the more respectable people in my department (or at least the ones that I hold on a pedestal for one reason or another) make it a point to go to as many as they can. They also are highly committed to their work and see it through with every great detail, even if it sets them back several weeks at a time. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I was pretty much trained to at least try to be efficient with my time. I'll admit that I'm not, but I at least try to be. That's why I cancelled my Spring Break and opted to work in the studios. Yes, that may be me falling into the whole commitment idea I mentioned, but I see it more of just trying to get X-step done by this time or else I will be behind. When you're in high school, it's okay to be a little behind, but not in college.

The people here just seem more responsible and more well-equipped for life than I ever will be. Whenever I'm here, I feel like the little bratty kid that gets on people's nerves because of how much I follow the rules and make sure that I meet the teacher's timelines. We are, after all, their students. But the students are more than that with their teachers. They are friends and fellow artists.

Case in point, Terry went with Mike to an S&M/Dark Fantasy convention as Guest Artists. Mike said they had a blast there! They didn't sell much art, because, well, let's face it, art and sex? But still, they had a blast dressing up to fit the theme and enjoying the free beer all the vendors got!

When was the last time I ever got to do something similar to that with one of my teachers outside of a classroom setting? Never.

You know, looking back on this post, I'm reminded of something someone told me. They said the best support network you can ever have is yourself. If you cannot support yourself, who will?

I guess I should look somewhere else for a future career or life or something, because I obviously can't support myself or my works or even my self-esteem in art given how talented everyone else around me is.