Depressing day today.

It all started last night. Dad said that he and Mom had to sign off on a home loan. My first thought was that we're poor for real this time, that they aren't just saying that to try to make me not spend money or something like that. Then, almost as fast I thought that line of thought up, I realized something. I was getting "volenteered" again. Dad wanted me to help out my Auntie at the store so that she isn't overwhelmed. My reaction to that request was nothing short of upset. They even offered to pay me! There's a first. I silently decided to sleep on it.

Fast forward to this morning around 09:00.

I woke up and groggily called the store. My aunt picked up the phone and I asked if they still need me overthere. It turned out that the customer flow was slow, so they didn't really need me. So much for that, I guess.

The rest of the day consisted of the usual going on the internet for substance (In cause you didn't know already, the internet and video games in general are like my "happy drug". Hey, it beats alcohol and marajuana.), eating raw Raman noodles, sleeping, and not really giving a damn any more as to where my future is going. Yup, that's right, I don't give a damn any more. I've screwed up too many times in my life for there to be a chance of me turning that around. I've tried to fixed to many of the potholes on the road of life. It's about time I just submit to them.

Fast forward to roughly 17:32.

I wanted to cook some mushroom quesodillas just to get rid of the mushrooms. No one that came home felt like going to Kroger, so I ended up using what we had in the fridge to make a kind of pasta cassarole thing. I don't know exactly what it was, but all I know is that it didn't come out the way I wanted it to.

I made the mistake of listening to the soundtrack to How the Grinch Stole Christmas from a few years ago. There are two songs on there that make me want to cry. "You Don't Have to be Alone" and "Where are you, Christmas?" Each has a different meaning to me. The most potent of them is the second song, mostly because I feel our family has lost its once prized bond between family members around this time of year. It used to be we'd be able to have this fun Christmas where we didn't care what we got and every day was a happy day. Now, it just sucks. We try to make it up to each other by giving presents, but you can tell just by the presents themselves that we've grown apart over the years. Sucks, huh?

When everyone came back from wherever they were, I single-handedly had set the table, cooked dinner for at least four, and was just waiting for the compliments. Not one came. Not a single one. I finally did something "out of character," and the only thing I got was a few compliments on how good the dish was. I was aiming for praises of how I did things I don't normally do. Guess I was aiming too high. After everyone finished eating, I also cleaned up after them. Dishes, table. The only thing I didn't do is put the stuff back in the cabinet.

Fast forward to 21:47.

James signed on to AIM. It surprised me that he was so happy when I was talking to him. Then it got ugly after he broke the ice. Due to recent events and actions on my part, all of which you can read in the last blog I did and other past blogs, James has come to the realization that I'm not the one for him and that we should just move on. Normally, most people would be upset about this, but I wasn't. Admittingly, I was actually expecting it. I mean, he's only human, right? Everyone has their limits and if I meant to or not, I crossed his. I could be wrong, and I bet I am, but normally after something like this, the ex'es become friends for a while. At least that's what happened with me and his cousin Andrew. Not the case here. Judging from the fact that James is who he is, he's not going to be online alot, I'll never meet him, and I seriously doubt he'll ever give me the time of day. Something tells me from this point on, things between me and the boys will just taper into compleate and utter deletion from the friendship folder.

Suddenly, as if getting dumped wasn't bad enough, I find out that Andrew got into a fight with Josh. You know, the one that hates me and wants to see me dead? Andrew was defending me, but it turned out that he was defending me with the wrong information. That pissed him off royally. I was verbally attacked and beaten up by him after the scuffle in which I couldn't say anything short of just submitting to Josh's aqusations about me. What else can I say? I've screwed up so many times that I really don't think anything I can say to Andrew could fix anything... no matter how well he can smooth things over with Josh and James. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate his help. Whenever the chips were ever down, Andrew was always there for me. But after this? He's not going to be there to defend me anymore. He's pissed at the things I've done recently and for not knowing the true facts. If I were him, I'd also be pissed that I was defending a loser that just sucks. I bet he feels that way too.

The last IM I got was Andrew telling me he has to cool down Josh since he said that all this was my fault and he has to act. Knowing Josh, that can't mean anything good. What exactly do I mean? Let's just say my family is going to need alot more than a home loan.