Today was annoying... and that was putting it lightly.

Last night, I learned that I don't know enough about anything to ever form an opinion that has any kind of merit. This translates into ultimately saying that I cannot say what's on my mind because I'm stupid in all but one feild. That feild that I'm good at is useless unless I'm planning on going on a game show of some kind. And, no, I don't intend to go on one. As such, I'm not really all that talkative anymore. Socializing has become a dangerous pasttime with me from now on. Not only can I not get close with someone because once I do they will only hate me and be annoyed by me, but now I am so stupid that I can speak my mind if I wanted to! The only safe-haven for my First Amendment rights is this blog.

Well, like always, today when I woke up, I was feeling really bad at myself. To escape, I played my video games, got bored, then went back to sleep. Since my mother has no job as of yet, she was cleaning the house and going here and there. When she said she was going to pick up my sister, I opted to go. I couldn't get back to sleep anyway.

The ride to downtown to pick up my sister was hell. I kept sneezing because of my allergies to pollen. Why was I sneezing so bad in the car? Well, mom had the windows open because she didn't want to turn on the AC because she is hot. Thanks for torturing me, MOM. On our way home, Jessica called up dad to see if he was going to Sam's Club so she can have him pick up some Goldfish crackers. I opted to tag along too. I was told that there was a good deal on the Gameboy Advance SP there that I wanted to check out.

The deal at Sam's was a nice one. For $130, you got the GBA SP, Zelda: A Link to the Past, and the stratagy guide. Dad told me to hold on to it since there were only seven left. He then told me to call up mom to get approval on if I could have it.

The phone call was interesting to say the least. It turns out that we have some computer issues, mainly with the boot up. The good thing it's only minor and not as annoying. The other computer issue we have is that AIM decided to close our AIM screen names. Why? Well, Jessica put something rather naugthy into her profile that AOL didn't like. It broke the Terms of Service, and because of that all the accounts, including mine, were froze. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I wasn't happy with this. Since I've decided to only talk and express myself here on blogger, AIM is useless now. Talking to Dan and Jack and James was fun, but lately things have been going down hill. I can't say what exactly, because quite frankly, I don't know what's going on. All that I know is that on there end, no one seems to be interested in talking on IMs anymore. You can say that this AIM freeze is a blessing in deguise. Anyway, when I talked to mom, it turned out I can't get the GBA SP bundle. Why? Because I already got the two cheapest things on my list as far a birthday presents go! That's more than enough as far as my mom thinks. Well, since she does hold the cash in the house, I put it back like a good boy. I really didn't want to, but I have no say in the matter anyways. I mean, she lost her job! The thing is $130! Think of the debt!

While at Sam's, I kept thinking to myself as to why my dad said to go ahead and hold on of the bundle packs. I had this hope that he was going to buy it for me, but since he always consults anything finacial with mom, it was highly unlikely. In it's place, however, dad picked up a small container of mushrooms for my Greek Quesodillia. That's just a regular quesodillia only on peta bread. Still, knowing how my nights are going to be a bit of a torture for a while, a GBA SP would have held me over longer than 20 ounces of mushrooms.

Tonight should prove interesting. If Jack even reads my blog anymore, I'm sure he'll find this. Maybe pass it on. I hope he does.

By the way, just so you know, this isn't an April Fools joke. I'm not very good a pulling off pranks to begin with.

Wow, today was a pretty good birthday for me.

When I woke up, I was greeted with a task to do. Get online! My mother had already called Comcast. They said that all we needed to do was plug it in and it will take care of the rest. "It" meaning WindowsXP. Well, for some reason, that didn't happen. I ended up calling tech support to find out what it was that kept screwing this up. What ended up happening was that there was a connection problem due to an overlooked LAN line connection. Go figure.

So let's see. Now that I'm back online, what is there to blog about today?

Today's birthday gift was from my sister. May I meantion that it was the only gift today? Anyway, it was the Who Framed Roger Rabbit Special Edition DVD! It is loaded with goodies and fun stuff! I don't think it's DVD-rom compatable, but it's nice to know that I don't have to go upstairs to my parents room to watch it.

Another "gift" was a phone call from Watkins. It appears that they had everything but my referances. Since the deadline is tomorrow, I kind of got worried a bit. We went down to Overton and checked with Mrs. Buck, an old teacher of mine that I've been quite fond of. It turned out that she sent it last week, so it should have been at Watkins. To make a long story short, the letter turned up later this afternoon. Waktins's Dean of Admissions called us up after we visited to see if they got it in the mail today. They didn't get today's mail untill after we left.

While at Overton, we were talking about various people with Mrs. Buck. She brought up a guy named Woody. Now, Woody is this really cool guy. He's a bit of a goofball, but in a cool way. The part about him that makes me feel like I have a kinship with him is the fact that he is an artist like me. So what about Woody did Mrs. Buck bring up? Apparently, he's in the marines. He's going to get sent over to Iraq. Woody is a good kid, and I would hate to see someone like him sent over there needlessly. Besides, call be greedy, but I was hoping to see him in Watkins.

Anyways, since I have the computer for tonight, I need to go reset a few things I did last night because I thought I wouldn't have this computer for long.

I hate to say this, but this could potentially be my last blog. There's a reason too. A damn good reason. And it's a long one.

A long time ago, around Christmas, my mom got the word that as of April 1st she will be out of a job. As such, we'll be losing the laptop. This is like a death blow to me. For one, I don't do well without a computer. Not only do I have little addictions like Neopets and Blogger, but the social aspect of what I have here online will be nulled and void. That means I won't be able to talk to any of the people on here that I truely love and care about. Do you know how much that sucks?!

Well, knowing that a computer is so important to us in our daily lives, my mother went looking for a computer. At first she wanted Dell or HP or something reputable like that. The thing is, they are expensive. Why are they so costly? Because you're paying for the name. We looked at several places and ended up buying an eMachine from Best Buy. It was the cheapest thing to buy for what we do. In any event, we do have a computer. We don't have online on it. The jack for the cable modem doesn't fit the jack in the back.

I'm really pissed off right now. Not about the whole losing online thing, even thought that is up there. I'm pissed at the fact that my own mother thinks I'm her private IT. "Why don't you help?" she always says. Why not asking herself that question? She wants me to install software. There are little wizards in the software that make even the stupidest of computer users able to install things!! She acts as if because I'm her son, I'm her slave. At least, that's what it seems like at time. And let met tell you this, it sucks! It's like she can't do a thing by herself because it's too new. What's the deal?! I know grandparents out there that are more technologically sound than she is! No wonder I got scammed into going computer hunting today.

That's another thing I'm mad about. I thought we were going to go computer hunting for me. She owes me a computer. Did she buy me a computer? NO! What did she get? She got herself her computer for her and Jessica to use. What did I get? Well, not that I'm complaining about getting Pokemon Crystal (finally), but I was hoping for a new computer for ME! So why the hell did she even bring me along if she was only going to get a computer for herself? Well, she needed some "expert" tech advice. Hell, I'm no expert! I can barely figure out this laptop that I'm on for the last time!! You know what else pushes my buttons about all this? I'm convinced she lied to me. She's never going to get me a computer of my own. And if I bring it up, she'll be all "you only think about yourself" on me.

New Flash: I have to think about myself, because no one else will!

At least not in this family. I can't do everything by myself. I need to be pushed to do something. I'm also not this slave that people can just take advantage of. I'm a human. I mean, come on! Just because I'm her son doesn't give her the right to a personal slave! If it did, then what the hell is my sister doing for her? Oh, that's right, running the till at the store. But you know what? She enjoys that and wants to do that. Me? I'm sorry, I got other plans. They may be stupid plans, but they are something I want to do. Like it or not.

All and all, I'm just really sick of what I have going for me here. No one knows me, no one seems to care about me unless I do something different or new or go away for a while. It's like when I'm here, they don't even bother to check on me. I think it is because of this that I'm so messed up about so many things. I think it's because of this that I need Dan and his verbal assaulting and that way he does things to get me to do things that I know I wouldn't be able to do on my own. I hate it here. All the material goods I have, all the video games, all the clothes. They mean nothing to me with a real feeling of love. Am I getting any of that?! NO!!! I'm being treated like a damn IT department! I wish I could just disappear and then everything tech would just break down here while I'm gone. Then we will see how they deal with it without Zeek around to clean up their digital mess after them.

You know, all this is making me feel better. I'm going to miss blogging. I'm going to miss talking to my friends on IMs instead of by snail mail untill we get a modem. More than likely, I won't be allowed on the computer. After all, they could pull the whole "this isn't your computer" angle. I guess that means I'll be playing my games more and more now instead of chatting the night away with people I feel are more of a family than what I have. Which means I'll be looking for them again for some kind of substanace. Some kind of escape. Like a drug. Oh God, that means I'll be more pathetic than I am now.

Dan, Bill... er, I mean Jack (he changed his name because he inherited something from his Great Uncle who he loves with all his heart and soul), Josh, Andrew, Aaron, Mark, Seth, Sam, Randy, Russ, David, Bobby. Get me out of here!!!!!!!

I think I'm getting into better shape.

I just shaved 45 minutes on a walk that took me 2 hours to do yesterday.

Well, my "Shock and Awe" bombing was put through the motions. I was both in shock and in awe at to how my parents each replied.

My dad seemed more resceptive to what I told them about Dan saying I can come back with a medical release than my mother. In fact, it would appear that my mother put up the walls of defence. My dad, on the other hand, actually listened. It would appear that the only thing my dad wants to do is talk to Dan. You know, just to figure things out and all that. My mom doesn't want to have any part of it because she feels she has to pay for my ticket again. I told her that Dan is going to pay for it, but money is still and issue for one reason or another. In another show of ignorance, it looks as if you have to pay to get a medical release done. With my mother about to be jobless, that's not really a good option.

Overall though, it would seem that this could go either way.

I just came back from my walk/job-hunt.

I hit up the Mapco gas station first. Kevin told me that gas stations are always hiring somone, normally for the night shifts, in Washington. I figured the same would apply down here. Well, it does, but the sad thing is I have to be 21 to work at any of those places. Beer law.

I, then, hit up the old Wal-Mart seeing how their peak season ended. Lucky me, they were hiring! They were only looking for Cashier, Unloaders, and Cart-Pushers, but at least that's something!

Across the street, Kroger was expanding and remodeling. With the added space they were going to gain, that meant they needed more employees. The guy at Customer Service gave me an application, even though they are looking for Photo Lab only for now. He said that with the remodeling going on, it may be a while (a month is what he said) untill they will start hiring for other positions. Still, it couldn't hurt to fill one out.

I then went to H. G. Hills and asked there. They gave me the same answer as last time. Accepting but not hiring. I got another application from them anyways.

Well, at least it was better than the last time I did it so-many-months ago. I mean, only one place in the area that I went to said that I can't work for them.

I thought about James while I was walking and what I did to him last night. I feel like a compleate ass. I plan on apologizing, but I fear that maybe it's too late for that. After all, Andrew did say that I shut the door on that one. You're not suppose to shut it compleately. You're suppose to leave it open a little. That's what Andrew told me.

So let me tell you about last night. It's quiet the tale, really.

Last night, things started off well enough. Dan came home from work, and we talked. After a while, I talked to James. That's when things started to change. When I started asking him if he wanted anything from me like a picture or a drawing from me, he said that he threw that little collection of his out the window. Apparently, he found someone better over there. I kind of knew that was going to happen if I was stuck here too long, but I was still hurt by it. When I get hurt, I just can't think. This time was different, however. After I was told this, I conciously asked to talk to Andrew. However, as a result of my actions which I learned later, it would appear that I dropped James like a lead balloon. That makes mistake number what with him? I don't know because I've lost count. When I started talking to Andrew, I couldn't really figure out how to talk about the things I wanted to. What came out was actually some kind of pathetic plea for him to help me because I couldn't help myself. That was the spark that started a fire. Andrew, in his hard-ass way, started to do what he and Dan do best. Verbally kick my ass. The conversation transended from online to over the phone. While we were talking about why I am like I am and what the deal is with why I'm still here pushing on 20, I couldn't find the words. If there was a recording of the conversation, you'd hear me stuttering and stumbling for words. I know what I wanted to say sometimes, but the words didn't come out. The other times I just couldn't figure out what to say. In the end, however, I learned something that I've always known. I need someone to push me like Andrew, because only he and Dan can. I also learned just how pathetic I really am. How I can't do anything for myself without being told like I have to do it. Upsetting, isn't it? The cool part is the fact that Andrew said that he still loves me and everything between me is cool. He has an understanding of me, but he wants me to be something better. I want to be something better too. I want to be just like him. All ballsy, not giving a fuck, out there. At one point in the conversation, I said that. I also said that I believe that if I could somehow get to meet them and stay with them long enough that maybe, just maybe, that will rub off on me and I'll come out of my pathetic state. Russ did. So why can't I? It's like what Dan said. I'm different. Unique. After a while, Dan popped on the phone. He explained to me about how he has his doubts with me. The deal was and still is that when he feels that I'm ready, I can meet the rest of the gang. The thing is, he doesn't think I'm ready or that I'll ever be ready. I have too many issues, too many emotional bags on me. Before I can even get to be in the same house of as them, Dan needs to be assured that I am mentally sound. He would like it if I got some kind of help before going up back to Seattle to meet the guys. Now, let me say that I was no surprised that he said that. I've know it for a long time. I know I need help. The thing is, I thought I found it with how Dan pushes me and gives me a verbal smackdown making sure that tomorrow is do-or-die time. He does it more effectively than the nagging and getting on my ass and annoying me that I get here. Apparently, that's not the help I need. The conversation then went back and forth between this and how much a loser I am for being stuck here because I can't do anything for myself. So what do we do with Zeek? was the theme of the night. What would happen if this were to happen? What would I do if this happened? What would I do if I fucked up again and got sent back home? It became another do-or-die time! I haven't had that since last Thanksgiving! That was when I was told what I needed to do for myself. That was when I was given my orders, so to speak.

The original plan was to hound my mother about her promise that if I were to apply, I'd get a computer. Just get on their case about it like they got on my case. That later changed to get out there and get a job because, well, with James obviously with someone new, I have nothing else left to lose. Today I was suppose to clean up, make myself look nice, and then find a job to better off myself. Night, day, gas station, supermarket, mall, fast-foot chain, whatever. Just get out there and get one! Now, priority one in the plan is this. If I am to ever get a chance to meet with the people I so desprately want to meet, if I am to even get a shot ad trying to bask in their light and be influanced by them and by the way they act, if I am ever going to get what I want deep down in the very heart of my soul, I need to have in writing a medical release saying that I am of sound mind. That would make Dan alot more comfortable with me. If I cannot get that, then at the least another (and hopefully better) theropist. Being under a doctor's care would do the same for Dan what the medical release would do. If it is better or worst, I can't really tell. All that I know is that if I can't get one or the other, I'm fucked! I'll have to stay down here, not get the ass kicking that I need to do anything in life, and become even more pathetic.

Actually, now that I think about it, who said that I only had to do one of those things?

Today's been awful. I feel like crap. All I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep.

You know, it's really funny how life is going for me. A big joke. I was happier when i didn't know things. Now that I know too much, it makes me wonder. Just what exactly am I going to do?

I know now that my big uber dream about having a perfect life and being happy all the time will never happen. I'll never find that special someone. I will never be able to do what it is I love. I will never be happy.

Why?

Because the world is a dark and cruel place. Parents, friends, people you trust. It seems that no matter what I do, no matter how much I bow down to them, I still cannot get what I want. Call me greedy if you want, but all I really care about is just trying to get and capturing that which gives me great joy.

And I can't do it.

I was thinking about Andrew today. I was thinking about what he said about being friends for life and helping out each other. At one point today, I was daydreaming about how he would just appear sitting there at the end of my bed laughing at me when I woke up. He would say something dorky like he always did like "So Sleeping Beauty is finally up, huh?" Something of that nature that would make me want to kick him with a smile so he knew that I really didn't mean any offence by it. It sucks. This feeling that I have. I may never ever get a chance to meet him.

I really wish somone on the other side would just grow some balls and come down here themselves. I've endured so much for them. I've hung in here when times were tough. I tried to make the best of things. And for what? I finally get word that I may be able to meet the guys, but I am at the mercy of Dan. While that isn't really a bad thing, I was hoping that I would be out of here by now! I was hoping that I would be talking to them right now instead of sitting here blogging listening to my mother complain about how no one cooked for her. Why can't they just come down here? I don't see why they can't. I mean, they can just go anywhere they want to! They could come here and be able to check into any hotel and still be able to meet me! But do they? No! Why? Security? Because there is nothing to do in this town that hasn't already been done? Because it's not big enough?! As much as I hate this town, I can still see some of it's good points. And even if those good points aren't enough to warrent even their attention, there's still one person down here that I know they want to see and meet. Me.

I am so mixed up. I don't know what to think anymore. I wish I had not know the things I know. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant again. I was happier when I was stupid and unaware. Knowledge may be power, but it is also a burdon.

I don't know. I'm just ranting my head off over stuff that I know I'll regrete greately about later.

I wish that Josh guy I met so-many-weeks ago would just call and leave a message. Maybe if I hung around him some of his characteristics would rub off on me and I could be able to enjoy life like he does.

I hate this. This whole cosmic law that I have been cursed with. I can't have a good day without something bad happening to end it. I can't have a good week without something bad happening the following week. I should change my name to Ying Yang! This whole Light-Dark thing is getting on my nerves. I just want to be happy! I just want to have unadulterated bliss that would rival that of heaven! The only way I'd ever get that kind of happiness now is if I died and went to the the floating island of Mandango where there is no boredom, no one gets jelous, and everyone has sex all day. Now if only a placed like that exisited.

I really really REALLY REALLY need a friend right now. Someone that would make me feel better instead of bringing me down all the time. Someone that knows how to have a good time. Someone fun. Someone that has alot of patience and can deal with me and understand me and not run away.

I need Andrew.

Last night, I learned the true meaning of being blissfully ignorant.

The thing is, I was happy at the fact that I finally got my parents off my back about applying since I went and did the essay and everything else that is involved with it. However, Russ said that maybe now they will try to get me on the ball and actually doing something. That means no more IMs, no more blogs, no more anything I like to do! That translates to me as no more friends, no more social life (albeit a dull one), no more fun! Russ told me this because as friend, he doesn't want to see me be the happy little lamb off to the slauther house! He and Dan and everyone else want to keep me sharp.

And I was having such a good day yesterday!!! I guess that cosmic law still works. When I am having a good day, it will always end bad.

I talked to Dan last night about getting out of here. I can't stand the pressure of having my parents constantly telling me to apply when I don't want to right now. Dan, in his little way, convinced me to just go ahead. If I do get accepted, it would be less paperwork later, or something to that affect. That was probibly the only shining moment last night on IMs. Every other thing I said last night came out stupid. I wasn't really all that up to talking and fought back alot of my demons.

Today, I woke up hungry, but I didn't eat. I went straight to the laptop and worked on the damned admissions essay. The site that I found earlier had died, so I was in the dark when writing it. The only thing I remember from that tip page was to take a rest after writing it and then reread it when you wake up. It helped some, but not much. Still, given all the blogs I have put into this thing, It was better than my half-assed on to DigiPen. The only things left now is to get my referances, the date of my ACT testing as well as my score, and the grades on my transcript. The $35 can come from my mother.

Also, for all those so-to-be college students out there that want to apply for finacial aid but don't already have a scholorship to the school you want to go to? Don't apply for finacial aid until you are accepted. If you do apply prematurely, you'll look like you're full of shit.