Okay, this tears it! I am sick and tired of the way I am acting around the crushes I have! I really am! I need to do one of two things. I need to either get away from it all or find myself a boyfriend now!
What do I mean by get away from it all? I mean, really get away! I want to go somewhere where I cannot get in contact with anyone even remotely attractive. A lesbian cruise sounds like the best bet, but I do not have that much cash on me. Still, I just want to get away from Coffey, Jason, and Wyatt! I don't know why I'm acting the way I am around them, and quite frankly, I really should know better than to act the way I do around them.
What have I been doing that is upsetting me that I have deemed to be a wrong action? For starters, during Drawing 1 this morning, I found myself constantly migrating over towards Wyatt's area even though my drawing needed more attention then what I was giving it. In Creativity, I practically shadowed Jason every chance I could get. During break, I even tapped his butt as I was walking back to class after the break. He was getting a snack from the vending machine and was blocking my way. Then, after getting some information about what I need for 2D tomorrow, I noticed that Coffey was wearing another tank top that just hugs his built body like nothing else. I made a snide comment about it as if I was disgusted, but in reality, that's just my way of flirting.
I shouldn't be acting this way! I really shouldn't! Not in school! If I wanted to act like this, I should be at a club or something. I don't know what it is that is making me do these things at the most inappropriate times! Hell, it's probably the same force that is making me mysteriously attracted to Wyatt for all I know!
This needs to stop. I really need to get a grip on reality and stop acting like I'm in control of my own fairy tale.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Monday, November 17, 2003
Familiar Strangers
Maybe it is just me. I don't know. Today, I felt as if i was nothing more than a stranger to the people I knew. It's my own fault that I feel this way. I know it is. One of the worst things about myself is that I don't really get out or put myself out there like I should. I am really denying myself a social life of any kind, really. I know, I really should be out there in the youth work force, making money, going to see movies, and all that good stuff that my generation does. I just don't know if I can do that anymore. I think it's a self confidence issue. Still, I felt like I don't belong where I am again. I do not feel like I am part of Watkins; I do not feel like I belong in my so-called circle of friends. I just don't feel like I should be anywhere where I am right now. I feel alone with only myself to entertain, and as much as I like to think that I am easy to please, to please myself is such a hard thing for me to do.
I really have some issues I need to work out. Deeply rooted ones.
I really have some issues I need to work out. Deeply rooted ones.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Creative Energy Zapped Dry by Pizza and Burgers
I think I have secured myself in one of the many circles of Hell. I was such the glutton today. Pizzas and burgers and fries. The food in my stomach too over not only how fast I would normally move, but how creative I normally am as well. I couldn't find a cool and creative way to knock out in detail my Nightmare Before Christmas Broadway stage art let alone anything else!
I guess for the next few weeks I should lay off all the fast food until finals are dead and done.
I guess for the next few weeks I should lay off all the fast food until finals are dead and done.
Saturday, November 15, 2003
Saddest Movie Since Bambi?
Today, I tried my best to knock out my Nightmare Before Christmas Broadway proposal drawings, but realized that my scale in set was off by a huge amount. Apparently, I couldn't focus. Must have been that drawing project that is due Tuesday. Tomorrow, I'll redraw every one of my sets in grave detail.
To relax my mind, I watched Finding Nemo. My sister hasn't seen it, so I waited until she was done so she could watch it too. Lord knows she needs to relax, what with her mid-terms and all that coming up. If she thinks high school is bad, just wait until she gets into college.
Anyway, I think watching that movie was a mistake. For some reason, my sister kept crying at almost every other scene in the movie! I mean, yeah, the story is every moving and it has its strong points, but I didn't know it was this strong! I don't remember her ever getting this kind of reaction out of a movie before. Hell, she cried more watching this movie than she did watching SeaBiscut with her boyfriend!!
Anyway, that's my day today.
To relax my mind, I watched Finding Nemo. My sister hasn't seen it, so I waited until she was done so she could watch it too. Lord knows she needs to relax, what with her mid-terms and all that coming up. If she thinks high school is bad, just wait until she gets into college.
Anyway, I think watching that movie was a mistake. For some reason, my sister kept crying at almost every other scene in the movie! I mean, yeah, the story is every moving and it has its strong points, but I didn't know it was this strong! I don't remember her ever getting this kind of reaction out of a movie before. Hell, she cried more watching this movie than she did watching SeaBiscut with her boyfriend!!
Anyway, that's my day today.
Friday, November 14, 2003
Personally
“What am I? Why am I the way that I am? How did I become these things?” These are the questions that haunt my mind late at night while I lay on my bed, alone again for the millionth night since I started caring.
I think everything started back when I first moved and was able to remember it in some kind of detail. We moved to a town I heard very little of and thought was a certain way. I found out soon the things I thought were wrong. I ended up paying for my ignorance with the loss of any kind of good reputation that I could have formed on my first week of school. From this point on, I was like a walking bulls eye for everyone with even the littlest of insecurity issues. Thinking I was doing some kind of good by not stooping to their level, I let them believe that they were better than myself. I hoped that the teasing and bullying would stop. Unfortunately, the teasing and taunting continued for many years. Eventually, their teasing became truth. No matter how much I wanted to not listen, the truth always found my ear. What started out as nothing more but a twisted act of kindness on my part to make my fellow students feel as if they were better than myself became a slow, painful, depressing torture where truth was the casting stone.
I remember being told that Valentine’s Day was a day were people got along. The innocence of my child-like mind still wants to believe this. What happened to me in fifth grade, however, convinced me one thing. Like the naïve little boy that I am, I collected various and cheaply printed cards and a cheaply made box. The items were to make the traditional Valentine’s Day cards and collection box that I have made the years before. Thinking that this would be my next best chance to make some kind of friend, I stupidly handed out every last card. Come lunch time, my Valentine’s Day became a living hell. My box was stolen from my feeble grasp and torn to shreds above my head. Torn cards, all of which were the ones that I gave out, came raining down upon me as if like confetti. My heart, which later healed thanks to some thought, broke. I then knew that I could never have any real friends. There is no such thing as friendship. There is no such thing as true love.
I was twelve at the time, so naturally, as soon as the hormones kicked in, I realized the truth. No one knows what love really is. No one knows what real friendship is. Being much older and a little bit wiser, I thought the people I was always around would be the same way. While the majority of the populous were, I found out that several others still never made that transition from being childish to being mature. Unfortunately, I am still in the transitional stage.
I was popular in high school among the ones that obviously had some kind of superiority problem. I was the butt of everyone’s joke. I tried to not get angry about any of them, but one nearly threw me over the edge. This happened in P. E. A class notorious for torturing the unfit and making the stupid feel like they are good at something. Of course, this was high school P. E., and as such, you were required to change in the locker rooms with lockless lockers. One day, after class, I decide to help put away the equipment we used. Upon coming back to the locker room to change, I noticed that my clothes were wet. Upon further examination, I come to find out that my clothes were urinated on. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I immediately complained and was forced to spend the rest of the day in my ugly gym uniform. These things were obvious designed to absorb sweat and not be easy on the eyes.
So what am I? I believe that I am nothing more than a tool and very expendable. Why am I the way that I am? Believe it or not, I still think that everything that I had to endure was all in charity to those foolish enough to think they are superior than everyone else by displaying it in a public fashion. My logic in this matter is so twisted, sometimes confusing even myself. How did I become to be an expendable tool for those with insecurities and superiority issues? I let it happen. I let people who obviously were weaker than myself make me the weak one just so they can feel better about themselves. Some questions still remain unanswered. Will my choice, if it has not already, affect my social life and how I approach people and make friends? Will I, if I have not already, become exactly like those who teased and made fun of me? Will something worst happen such as some kind of dependency complex where I need some kind of affirmation in that I am not as weak, stupid, or slow as those whom made me feel weak, stupid, and slow to better justify themselves? On top of all these, there is one more question that I wish I knew the answer to. Is there anyone out there, if any, that are genuinely nice or is being nice nothing more but a guise to help better one’s self up the social status quo? In other words, is everyone in the world cruel towards each other because the only one that is deemed important is their own self? I want to believe that there are people out there who can endure all the shit the world hands to them. I want to believe that there are people living in this day and age that actually care and are not pretending to do so because it makes themselves feel better. I want to believe that those like myself are indeed stronger than the ones that need to taunt and tease to make themselves seem stronger. I want to believe, but I am no longer sure anymore.
I hope I got my point across.
I think everything started back when I first moved and was able to remember it in some kind of detail. We moved to a town I heard very little of and thought was a certain way. I found out soon the things I thought were wrong. I ended up paying for my ignorance with the loss of any kind of good reputation that I could have formed on my first week of school. From this point on, I was like a walking bulls eye for everyone with even the littlest of insecurity issues. Thinking I was doing some kind of good by not stooping to their level, I let them believe that they were better than myself. I hoped that the teasing and bullying would stop. Unfortunately, the teasing and taunting continued for many years. Eventually, their teasing became truth. No matter how much I wanted to not listen, the truth always found my ear. What started out as nothing more but a twisted act of kindness on my part to make my fellow students feel as if they were better than myself became a slow, painful, depressing torture where truth was the casting stone.
I remember being told that Valentine’s Day was a day were people got along. The innocence of my child-like mind still wants to believe this. What happened to me in fifth grade, however, convinced me one thing. Like the naïve little boy that I am, I collected various and cheaply printed cards and a cheaply made box. The items were to make the traditional Valentine’s Day cards and collection box that I have made the years before. Thinking that this would be my next best chance to make some kind of friend, I stupidly handed out every last card. Come lunch time, my Valentine’s Day became a living hell. My box was stolen from my feeble grasp and torn to shreds above my head. Torn cards, all of which were the ones that I gave out, came raining down upon me as if like confetti. My heart, which later healed thanks to some thought, broke. I then knew that I could never have any real friends. There is no such thing as friendship. There is no such thing as true love.
I was twelve at the time, so naturally, as soon as the hormones kicked in, I realized the truth. No one knows what love really is. No one knows what real friendship is. Being much older and a little bit wiser, I thought the people I was always around would be the same way. While the majority of the populous were, I found out that several others still never made that transition from being childish to being mature. Unfortunately, I am still in the transitional stage.
I was popular in high school among the ones that obviously had some kind of superiority problem. I was the butt of everyone’s joke. I tried to not get angry about any of them, but one nearly threw me over the edge. This happened in P. E. A class notorious for torturing the unfit and making the stupid feel like they are good at something. Of course, this was high school P. E., and as such, you were required to change in the locker rooms with lockless lockers. One day, after class, I decide to help put away the equipment we used. Upon coming back to the locker room to change, I noticed that my clothes were wet. Upon further examination, I come to find out that my clothes were urinated on. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I immediately complained and was forced to spend the rest of the day in my ugly gym uniform. These things were obvious designed to absorb sweat and not be easy on the eyes.
So what am I? I believe that I am nothing more than a tool and very expendable. Why am I the way that I am? Believe it or not, I still think that everything that I had to endure was all in charity to those foolish enough to think they are superior than everyone else by displaying it in a public fashion. My logic in this matter is so twisted, sometimes confusing even myself. How did I become to be an expendable tool for those with insecurities and superiority issues? I let it happen. I let people who obviously were weaker than myself make me the weak one just so they can feel better about themselves. Some questions still remain unanswered. Will my choice, if it has not already, affect my social life and how I approach people and make friends? Will I, if I have not already, become exactly like those who teased and made fun of me? Will something worst happen such as some kind of dependency complex where I need some kind of affirmation in that I am not as weak, stupid, or slow as those whom made me feel weak, stupid, and slow to better justify themselves? On top of all these, there is one more question that I wish I knew the answer to. Is there anyone out there, if any, that are genuinely nice or is being nice nothing more but a guise to help better one’s self up the social status quo? In other words, is everyone in the world cruel towards each other because the only one that is deemed important is their own self? I want to believe that there are people out there who can endure all the shit the world hands to them. I want to believe that there are people living in this day and age that actually care and are not pretending to do so because it makes themselves feel better. I want to believe that those like myself are indeed stronger than the ones that need to taunt and tease to make themselves seem stronger. I want to believe, but I am no longer sure anymore.
I hope I got my point across.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Today's Menu
I think I need to be slapped again. I mean, really. And hard too.
Over the course of the week, I acted like a damn teenie bopper around Jason, flirted with Coffey, and told Wyatt that I had two erotic dreams of him (the nature of which never happens unless I'm attracted to someone). This whole week I have felt like a big homo-slut with guys that I seem to be attracted to, one of which is definitely not my type at all! I don't understand this, and it makes me really worried about what will happen for the next three weeks of school.
Yes, I only have three weeks of school left.
Today, I had to register for the spring semester. There were the usual glitches and conflicts here and there, but one of the strangest one involved the actual registering. The Drawing 2 class I had signed up for was full, and I am locked in as far as times go since I car pool. I was told to find Terry, the head of the Fine Arts department. It was like trying to find a real life Waldo from those Where's Waldo? books that you used to read in the dentist's office. When I finally found Terry, I told him what the deal was. He went back to the registration office and started arguing with the register.
"This student needs to be in this drawing class at this time because it is the only one that works with his schedule. We need to bump someone out."
"We cannot do that unless all the other classes are full."
"But we agreed that Fine Arts students take priority in Fine Art classes."
"But that is if all classes are full, which they are not."
It went like this, back and forth, for a while until they agreed to sign me up. It may be a while until I find out if I have my Drawing 2 class or not. Here's hoping for the best.
All yesterday, and even today, I was drained of any kind of creative energy. I think it has something to do with that damn panel painting thing I did for 2D. It took a lot out of me. That reminds me, I never did find out what Jaime thought of my piece. Oh well, I'll find out either Monday or Tuesday.
Now to be a bum for the rest of today.
Over the course of the week, I acted like a damn teenie bopper around Jason, flirted with Coffey, and told Wyatt that I had two erotic dreams of him (the nature of which never happens unless I'm attracted to someone). This whole week I have felt like a big homo-slut with guys that I seem to be attracted to, one of which is definitely not my type at all! I don't understand this, and it makes me really worried about what will happen for the next three weeks of school.
Yes, I only have three weeks of school left.
Today, I had to register for the spring semester. There were the usual glitches and conflicts here and there, but one of the strangest one involved the actual registering. The Drawing 2 class I had signed up for was full, and I am locked in as far as times go since I car pool. I was told to find Terry, the head of the Fine Arts department. It was like trying to find a real life Waldo from those Where's Waldo? books that you used to read in the dentist's office. When I finally found Terry, I told him what the deal was. He went back to the registration office and started arguing with the register.
"This student needs to be in this drawing class at this time because it is the only one that works with his schedule. We need to bump someone out."
"We cannot do that unless all the other classes are full."
"But we agreed that Fine Arts students take priority in Fine Art classes."
"But that is if all classes are full, which they are not."
It went like this, back and forth, for a while until they agreed to sign me up. It may be a while until I find out if I have my Drawing 2 class or not. Here's hoping for the best.
All yesterday, and even today, I was drained of any kind of creative energy. I think it has something to do with that damn panel painting thing I did for 2D. It took a lot out of me. That reminds me, I never did find out what Jaime thought of my piece. Oh well, I'll find out either Monday or Tuesday.
Now to be a bum for the rest of today.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I DID IT! I'M FINISHED!! Well, kind of...
No more than 10 minutes ago, I finally finished my damn eight panel painting for 2D!! Yay! Go me!
Now, on to the harder stuff. My project on how to turn Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas into a Broadway musical and my Art History final about pilgrimages.
Now, on to the harder stuff. My project on how to turn Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas into a Broadway musical and my Art History final about pilgrimages.
Productivity and Procrastination
Yesterday, I think I snapped. Because of how hard I was working all weekend long, I pretty much felt like a slacker when I had nothing to do. I knew that I had some kind of work to do, but my brain was racing to think of what it was that I had to do that I could do immediately. It got to the point where I couldn't think at all. At this point, I sat down with my GBA SP and played Yu-Gi-Oh until I felt tired.
I still do not feel like I got much of anything done yesterday, and I really don't know why that is the case. Thankfully, Creativity today is only going to be half an hour, so I'll have plenty of time to paint my last panel for my 2D project that is due tomorrow.
Finally, I am no longer a Star Wars Fan Boy. I missed Chapter 2 of the Clone Wars cartoon airing on Cartoon Network this week. I know, bad Jon! Bad, bad Jon!
I still do not feel like I got much of anything done yesterday, and I really don't know why that is the case. Thankfully, Creativity today is only going to be half an hour, so I'll have plenty of time to paint my last panel for my 2D project that is due tomorrow.
Finally, I am no longer a Star Wars Fan Boy. I missed Chapter 2 of the Clone Wars cartoon airing on Cartoon Network this week. I know, bad Jon! Bad, bad Jon!
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Faster Than Planed
Wow! I'm beside myself right now! For some reason, I surpassed my goal of getting two of my panels done for my 2D project! I got three done!! I cannot do the other remanding two because of the fact that they require paint. Everyone here gets so upset whenever I paint because I clean out my tools in the kitchen sink. I would clean it out in my own bathroom sink, but the bird is living in there temporarily.
If you have an extra bird cage, please e-mail me! Just click my name at the bottom of any blog entry. Please keep the subject line the same so you do not end up getting deleted.
Now all that is left is to read and write a response to a book for Creativity, my sketch book for Drawing 1, my personal narrative on my creative process, and my Art History project.
I have this odd feeling that I will be doing all my Art History over Thanksgiving. How ironic that I'll be looking up information about pilgrimages on a holiday started by pilgrims.
But first, I need a break!
If you have an extra bird cage, please e-mail me! Just click my name at the bottom of any blog entry. Please keep the subject line the same so you do not end up getting deleted.
Now all that is left is to read and write a response to a book for Creativity, my sketch book for Drawing 1, my personal narrative on my creative process, and my Art History project.
I have this odd feeling that I will be doing all my Art History over Thanksgiving. How ironic that I'll be looking up information about pilgrimages on a holiday started by pilgrims.
But first, I need a break!
Saturday, November 08, 2003
One Down... Several to Go...
All day during and after cartoons, I have been working on a monochromatic (one color) drawing (Isn't that kind of redundant?). I just finished it about two hours ago. As much as I enjoyed making this piece, I really feel as though I have been working way too hard on one too many things at the same time.
So let's break it down and see what I have left to do.
I am about half way through my project for 2D. I can easily get ride of one panel by making it into a line drawing with all the detail on the face that I am really proud about blocking in. Shouldn't take me long if I use ink. The other two panels are trickier. One of them is in a cubist form, which I will be painting in fine detail. I mean, really fine. I'm going to be using a size zero round tip brush. You know, the kind model geeks use?
My sketch book has two sketches in it. Frankly, given my projects and the amount of "Me Time" I've had this weekend, two sketches are more than enough. Still, if I can squeeze in some more, I think it would be best if I did.
I'm only one chapter into a book that I need to respond to for Creativity. I could do the cheating thing and respond to that one chapter, but I know a good 80% of the class may do that. I'll only do that as a last minute bail out if I am unable to finish everything else. Also, I have to be at least half way done on my Creative Process paper.
My Art History final isn't due until December, but I should have done some kind of research on it by now! Well, I haven't.
Okay, now to prioritize...
Both my sketch book and Creativity paper is due on Tuesday, so I can move that to the center of the list. Art History's due date is still about three weeks away, so that can be put on the bottom of the list provided nothing else comes up. Same deal for the Creative Process paper. The project for 2D has been extended to Monday, but I promised myself that I would have at least two panels finished by the time the weekend ends. I'm halfway there now.
Wow! All of the sudden, the work load doesn't look all that bad.
Oh well, back to work...
So let's break it down and see what I have left to do.
I am about half way through my project for 2D. I can easily get ride of one panel by making it into a line drawing with all the detail on the face that I am really proud about blocking in. Shouldn't take me long if I use ink. The other two panels are trickier. One of them is in a cubist form, which I will be painting in fine detail. I mean, really fine. I'm going to be using a size zero round tip brush. You know, the kind model geeks use?
My sketch book has two sketches in it. Frankly, given my projects and the amount of "Me Time" I've had this weekend, two sketches are more than enough. Still, if I can squeeze in some more, I think it would be best if I did.
I'm only one chapter into a book that I need to respond to for Creativity. I could do the cheating thing and respond to that one chapter, but I know a good 80% of the class may do that. I'll only do that as a last minute bail out if I am unable to finish everything else. Also, I have to be at least half way done on my Creative Process paper.
My Art History final isn't due until December, but I should have done some kind of research on it by now! Well, I haven't.
Okay, now to prioritize...
Both my sketch book and Creativity paper is due on Tuesday, so I can move that to the center of the list. Art History's due date is still about three weeks away, so that can be put on the bottom of the list provided nothing else comes up. Same deal for the Creative Process paper. The project for 2D has been extended to Monday, but I promised myself that I would have at least two panels finished by the time the weekend ends. I'm halfway there now.
Wow! All of the sudden, the work load doesn't look all that bad.
Oh well, back to work...
