Avatar Murder

I guess you can get arrested now for "online murder."

http://videogames.yahoo.com/feature/online-divorcee-jailed-after-killing-virtual-hubby/1259111

Just posting this for my own refferance later, as it is still rather too early for me to think properly since I came home late last night, but I'll talk more about that later as well. It's not what you may be thinking/hoping it was.

Invitation Invites Infatuation

I'm in the studio bumming my ass off in the cafe because of a lack of creative drive at the moment. So I took it upon myself to call the only person I know that is still in town and extend an invitation to my show.

I was expecting his machine. I got him on the other end.

We talked for a little bit, and I got my invitation out, even extending it to another friend. I wanted to catch up, but got scared about saying something I knew I shouldn't. I ended the conversation as abruptly as I was surprised that he picked up, saying that we will catch up at the show.

That was about an hour and a half ago. Now I'm feeling rather like I made yet another mistake. Who knows what will happen when that day comes. Will I be able to behave myself or will I clam up because of my feelings for him and being in such a public space?

I hate having this longing feeling for a close friend or a significant other. I wish I didn't have this problem, but every time I try to control it, it just gets worse and worse. (Though this year hasn't been as bad as it could have been compared to past experiences.)

I think I'm going to puke...

Have you ever had that feeling like you know you just made a mistake but you're not sure as to what it is? And no matter how many times you run the scenario over in your head and feel that you did the right thing, it still feels wrong?

Is it paranoia or just general anxiety?

The reason I ask is because I just got back from dropping off my images to be framed. The price quote I was given over the phone was more attractive than what I actually paid due to a difference in frame thickness. I choose one that was more stable for the length, but was also thicker. Comparing the two in the shop, neither one would be distracting to the piece, but the cheaper one would suffer from bowing during transit.

I keep replaying the scenario over in my head while staring at the second largest purchase I've made in my life (the first going to the MacBook). I feel I chose correctly given all the factors.

So why do I feel so sick to my stomach that I'm not sure if I can eat anything tonight?

I think it's time.

I've been preparing for my graduation show for a while now, and I'm on the final stretch which involves getting things framed and other formalities.

And I'm finding out fast that my lack of mobility is beginning to be an intrusive burden on others. I am reluctant to accept free rides from those who offer it, and have clearly caused some friction with those who I explain the situation to. I try to make it so that the ride flow isn't going to be a major interruption but just minor detours, but I guess there is no such thing when you end up losing 10 minutes as a result, which naturally just piles on top of itself making my rides even that much more late.

I'm feeling very ashamed right now. So much so that it is triggering my depression in this matter. It's bad enough that I don't know what I'm going to do with myself immediately after graduation.

Sex Dolls and Disney Heroes

My God, I've got some interesting e-mails in my inbox today (which I've devoted entirely to being lazy).

First up is art related. Because of the new direction my last piece has taken, the quiet, family-man of the faculty sent me something that actually relates to it. At least visually. Apparently, a performance artist actually ordered a RealDoll of herself and constructed a piece where she would have sex it with. She even went as far as to marry it in a Las Vegas chapel! My morning skim of the article took note of a lot of use of the word "feminism" with a paragraph acting like an advertisement for the RealDoll company. While this is no doubt exploring sex, sexuality, and gender roles, I can't help but wonder how exactly this relates to my last piece other than similarity in content. Admittedly, I'm unwilling to read the article in its entirety out of a want to be lazy today.

On a similar note, Jason e-mailed me an article he found involving a deviantART artist who has a series devoted to sexual representation of Disney male characters. It's quite an impressive series that you can view here and here if you have a DA account. Of the ones that I was able to view, I kind of like the direction he went with Kocoum. He kept that proud Native American look while still added a hint of sexual tension which just made the image that much more exotic and not so much erotic unless you look below the waist. Another Disney "hottie" that I like in this series is Aladdin. He's practically topless already in the film, but the image places him in a rather candid expression as if he or the actor playing him (if we go from the Roger Rabbit kind of angle with animated features, that is) was being asked a question and caught between reactions. It makes Al look even more hot than he did in the film. Other Disney characters include Milo and Jim from the Disney Animation "bomb" films Atlantis and Treasure Planet. Jim looks especially hot given the fact that he's practically jail bait in the film but "matured" for the image produced.

But, much like someone I know who does have a DA account, these kind of artists just make me feel bad about myself. If you can wade through all the anime that has blown up on the site, you can find some amazing photographs and illustrations, most of which are from either untrained artists or people like me who are being properly schooled. It's mostly a graphic designers and photographers protfolio community if you REALLY dig, but someone was able to show me some really sweet Flash animation there that looked like it was hand rendered.

Okay, enough of that. I'm going to play Spore since I haven't touched it in so long and I'm over saturated with art as it is. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm playing a game that awards my creativity instead of my gaming skills, but still.

Tired of Being Tired

Just when I think I have things done, I find out that I'm far from finished. I knew that I would never get to an ideal point in thesis, but at the same time, I didn't expect to hit so many road blocks. I felt like I was on the right path, that I was actually going somewhere with what I was doing. But it turns out I still have some work to do before I can actually get these three large-scale pieces printed. Nothing big, but things that will no doubt push projects back.

I'm just as exhausted right now as I was last week because of all these back and forth and editing and printing and trying to get things ready to show. I'm worried that I may have my tires slashed out from under me again because of some reason I can't foresee. My ultimate due date of Halloween is coming up fast, and while I'm blogging right now at the advise of my teacher to just rest for the day and not tool around with the work any more, I can't help but worry about so many things.

I haven't actually played the game portion of Spore in three weeks now. I barely touch the game except to try and post something about one of my creations on my other blog, which I'm also neglecting due to my thesis. But most of all, I'm just feeling rather tired when I get home or come to the studio. I want to sleep, but I also need to work. I rather play video games and unwind that way rather than struggle to sleep because my work is on my mind.

If this ends well for me, I'm going to look into a vacation to Tokyo.

Bad Luck Chuck

Last night while I was winding down from the weekend's labor, I somehow got into a conversation with my mother about how my sister met her current boyfriend. And the story couldn't be... what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah, painful.

She apparently met him on Facebook. Much like myself about ten years ago, she started an online relationship. Only this time, the boy made an effort to meet the girl he was so interested in. Things hit off well and the two of them couldn't be more perfect for each other. I witnessed this first hand as their personalities seem to mesh quite nicely. He's also a very nice guy, with no real creepy factor to him outside of how the relationship initially got started. Don't know how I feel about the fact that he is as old as I am, but then again my dad is older than my mom by the same amount.

It's no secret I envy my sister sometimes, but her relationship now is making me all that more jealous of her. I mean, she's doing things with him we couldn't get her to do by ourselves like eat food she would never touch or do things she would never do. And what does he do in return? He drives her all over the place just so he can spend time with her. He took a weekend to visit her because she was feeling home sick. He's a rare find, a true romantic in every sense of the word, and my sister got damn lucky with her gambles on the game of love.

I wish my search for love was like this. But no, the people I met online I have yet to meet in person. I am of little risk and consequence to them, so meeting me in person won't change anything unless we hit it off from the start. But no, fear kept the other party away. That lack of contact has led me to where I am right now. Burned by a crush in real life during my high school days and then taken advantage of during my even more naive days out of high school. What do you have left?

A porn-hungry, eye-lusting, nerdy blogger who is afraid to even approach his current crush and tell him that I like him.

I guess I have some balls after all.

I'm not expecting this image to last very long where I uploaded it to, so for what it's worth, here is a work in progress involving my sexual frustration. I'm looking into my blog's entries when I was feeling like this to see which one captures the more honest expression.

Still, for someone like me who hasn't done many "obscene" art, this is a very bold piece. (Though I bet someone will want me to push it to an even bolder realm.)

Chocolate Dreams

I keep having this dream where I'm working in the studio and is interrupted by a face from the past. David. The only person from those days I'm not mad at or have any ill-will towards. The only person I want to be a real person and not some avatar for some dirty liar I knew when I was young and naive.

I wake up confused, angry at myself, lonely, depressed, and feeling rather dead. The past is something hard to let go of, but what was in the past is in the past and I either have to, as one monkey put it, "run from it or learn from it."

The moral of my story? No more sneaking into the Halloween candy before bed.

Stress, Headaches, and Something Else

A boat load of new responsibilities has been thrown on me that all need to be met by this Friday. I'm researching identity theory as it pertains to the avatar while avoiding the part of that subject that I don't understand, mostly the psychology part. I just finished sending off press release information. I finally printed the final stage of my first two avatars on a smaller scale and will be doing minor tweaking with it before printing them large scale/life size. I even started on my third piece which I hope to have done in time for my mandatory candidacy presentation.

My head is spinning to the point where I'm not sure if it is stress or my equilibrium really is starting to fail on me. I take breaks, but while I'm on them, I can't relax. I get more anxious about falling behind even if it is only for five minutes. Even now, during this point in the evening where I'm telling myself to stop and do something else, I can't stop thinking about what needs to get done and what I want to do and how little time I have to do both of those things.

It's driving me insane. And I don't have any left over comfort food to bring me back down from it when I get home.

Another Vice, Another Night of Sexual Frustration

It's bad enough that one of the porn blogs I follow had a video featuring well-built college frat boys wrestling in the nude. But even without that, the athletes I've been seeing on my sister's campus (We're here for her birthday as well as deliver presents from her boyfriend.) have just been making me very insecure.

I worked on my Warrior avatar last night, which features a frontal image of an underwear model whose torso I cut out and pasted my head on top of. I even went out of the way to match skin tones, something I haven't done since my pirate days. And as disproportionate the image is, I couldn't help but wonder how my sex life would be if I actually looked like that.

Supposedly your metabolism slows down around my age. Then again, they say a lot of things become stagnated at my age, but who really knows when you have thirty year olds that look like they are no older than 24 (JASON!). It may no be impossible for me to look as hot as a 18-year-old porn model in the twink genre, but it will increasingly difficult to get and maintain that look long enough to perform the contemporary gay mating ritual our culture calls dating.

My parents are now watching a replay of a college football game, and naturally they are showing fitness equipment ads during the commercial breaks. Knowing that some of those attractive athletes are somewhat real and not the result of set lighting and photo tricks is just making me... well, if anything, it is making me realize how little of a sex life I have. The only thing I have going for me is my porn viewing.

I like athletes, but I hate watching sports. It just makes me and my pants uncomfortable.

Looks like it can't do everything.

The Mac finally showed its first sign that it isn't the be-all-end-all product everyone in Film and Graphic Design said it can be. Sure, it will last me for a long time, but last night I discovered something that compromised its use.

These past few nights, I've been revisiting old DVDs to watch episodes that I liked for one reason or another before going to sleep. It sort of acts like a pallet cleanser for the mind. Last night, when I popped in one of the DVDs, the Mac said that it couldn't recognize it. The help section wasn't much help at all, but that's par for the course in most situations. All it said was that there are some formats that the MackBook just won't read at all.

Which is odd since it is a commercial DVD, and you would think those being professionally manufactured would have the widest range of compatibility. Apparently not.

With all the technology breaking down for one reason or another, the household is left with two DVD players: the one on the Mac and the one on the PC. There is a 50% chance that a DVD will fail to read now. And I thought gambling with intrusive DRMs was bad.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging sans the tech talk.

Swim Away!

Insecurity is mounting as of late. It's hard to believe, but I'm back to where I was the last time around. Only this time, the panic is self-produced. I keep telling myself that it's no big deal. After all, I've done this before. But even that isn't helping me. I can see my mistakes before I make them, and trying to fix them is like trying to patch a pair of perfectly fine jeans before they get worn down. In one respect, it's nice to have those patches on the inside where the knees are suppose to line up at. But the majority of the time, you're asking yourself why those patches are even there in the first place.

Either way, I'm at a point now where not only do I have to face my fears all over again, but I have to do so with some kind of acknowledgement of my mistakes from the last round. But it doesn't look like I learned much other than what not to do. From where I stand, everything is exactly how it was the last time. And in a week's time, the rest of the world will also see that. It doesn't matter how many drafts and revisions I turn over and show; the fact still remains that I am back to where I was with the only difference being that I actually have something to show instead of an intangible idea nobody understands or is interested in.

If only I could live more carefree and not be so scared of living life...