Words That We Couldn't Say

We couldn’t say them/So now we just pray them

I like you. I don’t know if it is because of lust or because you make my curious, but I’m very much attracted to you. Part of me wants to see what you’ve been hiding behind your outfit, but an even greater part just wants me to become your shadow. Each night, I think about what it must be like to sleep with you but not have sex with you. Late at night when I’m still awake, I wonder what it would be like to have sex with you.

God, I find you so beautiful and so sexy it hurts my very soul to just catch a glance at you reclining in a chair as your shirt ever-so-slightly lifts just far enough to see the skin above the seam of your jeans or when you are smiling at a conversation I’m not a part of. My heart skips a beat every time I see you wearing anything that accents what it is that I find so physically attracting about you. My heart swoons whenever you do something that shows you really are a kind person.

You confuse me. Am I in lust with you or am I in love with you?

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We couldn’t find them/So we tried to hide them

I found your e-mail address the other week when I was cleaning out my stuff. I’m not sure if I should even contact you. It’s been so long. You’ve probably switched accounts because that’s just how you are. Still, after all this time, after all these years, I still doubt that I actually know you.

All I know about you is based in this place we know as cyber space. I’ve never met you, and that bothers me greatly. I’ve met people you have met you, but even then that doesn’t put my doubt at ease.

Are you even real? I don’t know anymore.

I’m starting to believe that you lied to me. You’ve been lying to me all this time. You never were real. You never existed. And yet, I still think you are because I’m talking to you right now and not to your friend.

But we are not talking in person, face to face. If you are this real to me with just your written words, why can you not be this real to me in person? What are you so afraid of by meeting me? If you really are who you say you are, you have all the power in the world to come in and just do this with no qualms. And yet you don’t. Why?

I’m not the aggressive type. I respect you too much to do that to you. But with all this doubt on my mind, I have no other option. Either step up to the plate and show me what you got or get the fuck out of my head!

I’m tired of being tortured by the regret of not knowing the answer to “What if,” and only you have the power to stop it. I’m too weak to get you out of my head. I’m too attached to you to want to push you out of my head.

But these days, I’m also smart enough to question if you really are who you say you are and your motives. Keep that in mind, and let me know what you are going to do. The ball is in your court now.

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We couldn't make them/So we had to break them

I promised myself I wouldn't become like him. I thought I could control myself and not do what he does every month.

Recent activities suggest otherwise. I can't even keep a promise to myself. With every lustful thought, I take a step closer to becoming like him. With every day that goes by where I cannot get any release, I take a step closer to becoming like him. And at least twice this past year, I've done what he does every month.

I told myself I wouldn't do what he does, but I've picked up his daily habit as my own.

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I sit here on my shelf/Just talking to myself

If you are lucky enough to catch me when I'm alone, you'll find that my fantasy world has invaded my reality. I may be walking the dog, but I'm also holding a conversation with someone who isn't there. And they talk back to me.

I believe my social ineptness has made me crazy. Another part of me assures me that isn't the case.