Reflections in Shadow

With my sister home from college for the summer, the family dynamic is back to how it has always been. Those of you who have kept up with this blog know how that is. Those of you that are new and/or need to be reminded? Basically, she gets all the attention, and I have to swallow my pride and wait to shit it back out when appropriate.

Just a while ago, my sister got wind of the fact that the family dog is dying. This set her into a very upsetting mood that affected my own emotions. Sadly, it was a short-lived ping of empathy that caused a slight shock to the heart. Broken Heart Syndrome at its best: quick, painful, and intense.

As she went through the motions, I couldn't help but wonder why she cares about an animal she has pretty much abandoned ever since she was lead into a brick wall at the full sprint of the hunting dog. Since then, she has never really been around the dog. What few times she is around the dog, it is mostly to show the rare (but seemingly fake to me) bout of love towards it. She's never walked it, rarely feed it when she's here, and most importantly never played with it since the brick wall incident. With the exception of the playing part, everything listed was done by my dad. Hell, the kennel we often leave her in whenever we leave for a trip takes better care of the dog than we do!

The poor animal just sits there in the dark garage most of the time like a prisoner. When she whines, she is promptly told to stop by my dad. She is only fed twice a day and is lucky to have clean water in her bowl. Nobody really cares for her as they should.

But then again, who am I to judge? I'm just as guilty as my sister. I want to do something for the dog, but every time I look into her (now blind) eyes, I feel like I'm looking into myself.

Recently, I'm not being listened to. I feel like everything I say just goes in one ear and out the other. Whenever I do say something important, nobody acts like it is unless money is involved. They talk to me, keep a roof over my head and food in my belly, are putting through college. But like Shadow, I'm just getting the bare bones of interaction with my family.

I sit here in front of the computer most of the time like the socially-withdrawn nerd that I am. When I say something serious, it is seen as if I'm joking until it gets annoying. They take me places I need to go, but in the end hint towards the fact they don't like doing so any more than they like picking up after Shadow.

There are major differences between me and Shadow that I'm well aware of. I have the power to change this, but she doesn't. And most of the time, I feel like I have no power to change anything.

The one thing that we do have in common is this: We don't really know what love is. We know it exists, but we don't know what it really is.

I made an art piece about this in seminar. Nobody got it.