It seems that I'm getting the blame for my own faults lately, and the hypochondriac in me wants to say that it's from everyone and that it's happening all the time. In reality, it's been a slow boil that has been going on for years.
The blunt of the argument is that I'm not doing anything. That I'm seemingly content with my bad situation and happy to complain about anything. It's gotten to the point where some people just accept it, pegging me as the most negative person they will ever meet in their lives.
And that's the part that bugs me. It's always my fault. It's my fault that I'm not doing this. It's my fault that I can't be like that. And to top it all off, it's my fault for doubting my own abilities.
I should be talking myself up. I should be out doing things that make me feel like the big man on campus. I should be doing these seemingly easy things that everyone else around me can do with no effort. And yet, to some people, I won't. It's not that I can't, because I'm clearly capable. It's that, to some people, I won't.
This brings me to the next point I want to bring up, and let me assure you that this is not out for pity points or anything of that nature.
How can I talk myself up and be able to do all these things that I am capable of when the encouragement I'm getting feels so empty it's non-effective in boosting my self-esteem and my already shattered ego?
"Oh, but what about all those shows you got in? Didn't that boost your ego?" It boost my confidence as an artist, not as a person that can live their own life on their own. How that is a baby step to becoming more independent? I don't know.
"But your job..." Yes, having a job is great. It is a steady source of income, and my own personal benefit from it is that I get to see the summer movies for free as long as I'm on the active employee roster. On top of that, I get money towards my art, my own personal entertainment, and other things that would make me more independent like my Student Loans (as was the intent with the job in the first place). But that hasn't done anything for my ego or self-esteem. Every time I talk about it, I feel like a dork afterwards for talking about my job and what I do. Hell, every time I mention it, I feel and fear that is the only thing I have to talk about because of my limited social exposure. And who in their right mind wants to hear about someone else's job day in and day out?
The point is that there are a lot of things that, when taken for the face value, could easily make me go "Hey, I'm cool! I can do this and maybe other things on my own!" But the sad thing is, they aren't.
When I was 10, I had every ounce of my self-esteem sucked out of me thanks to bullying and teasing and being the but of everyone's joke up until high school. That's the fourth through eighth grade, people. Four to five years! Once Columbine broke out, I was suspect number one because of my history. With Virginia Tech, I'm even more suspect now because there will be some idiots out there that will peg that on me because I'm Asian as well as fit the profile of potential psychopath. (Thankfully, nobody in Watkins is that dumb.)
I just now was able to recover from this lack of self-confidence despite what I personally was thinking all those years. Things like getting into art shows and getting a job, albeit by force, have helped. But, again, the effects have been minimal at best.
What I am missing is something I can't give myself. I can talk myself up all I want to the point where I end up like one of those egotistical maniacs that think their shit smells like roses, but people like them tend to be the most insecure people in the world. And I don't want to be that person that locks himself in the bathroom looking at the mirror saying over and over how great I am until I believe so I can face the crowd who says as loud as a cannon blast that I suck.
And the sad thing is I know I can't ask someone to do that for me, because the amount that I would "need" would make the person a Yes-man. People with Yes-Men offend me greatly, simply because they give of the appearance that they have to be right all the time. I rather be told what I did wrong than be told my mistakes are not mistakes at all.
So what does all this raving have to do with the above? You can't always blame me for my personal short comings. Some of the blame has to go on other people. I've done the best I can to my ability. It may not be the best that I am capable of, but it is certainly the best that I can do on my own. If someone wants me to do something that is light years beyond what I think I'm capable of, they are going to have to be one of those super men types that can endure the shit I throw at them. Because in order for me to do anything beyond what I am capable of doing on my own requires a delicate balance between force and the one thing I never really felt I had in the last 14 years.
Unconditional love and appreciation.
2 comments:
This is the point that you continue to resist: you are not taking responsibility for your personal shortcomings. Who can you possibly blame for your shortcomings other than yourself? That is not a rhetorical question, I want you to actually name names.
You let other people drive you everywhere.
You let other people tell you what is or isn't art.
You let other people pay for your living arrangement, food, clothes, school stuff.
You are working simply because other people have insisted you have to get a job.
You only apply to art shows at the insistence of others.
Any step you have taken toward development has been at someone else's requisition.
When you insist on stagnancy because of social trauma from over a decade ago, who can you really blame for sitting on your haunches but yourself?
I like you Jonathan, and continue to tell you that you have great potential. It is your fault that you refuse to believe it.
Be your own Yes-man and start giving yourself unconditional love and appreciation. Then other people will start to realize it too.
A little bit of self-confidence isn't going to turn you into an egotistical maniac. A little bit of ego would actually do you some good.
If you're going to play the blame game, I want names.
"I rather be told what I did wrong than be told my mistakes are not mistakes at all." You give off the appearance that you have to be right all the time because you never take anyone's advice how to be happy. All you seem to do is pass the buck. Who do you blame for that?
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