Introspective Retrospect

Have you ever had something happen to you that resulted in making you
look back at what you've done in life only to go "Shit! I
haven't done anything at all with my life!"?

For most
of my classes, the first critics are happening around this time. They
have been all generally casual. For some, these critiques are a way to
measure out where everyone is in theirartistic practice. For me, it is
a chance to see what I did wrong and if I can improve on that without
growing more and more frustrated to the point where I want to quit.

Unfortunately, that's not happening.

Right
now, I feel as if what I do artistically is not up to the standards set
by those with more time, more money, and generally with more lifeexperience. It makes me want to curl up into a ball, suck my thumb, and go to sleep indefinitely
. Or at least for an indeterminate amount of time to which when I awake
all my problems will be dead and done with. But, alas, such is not the
case with reality. One has to face one's insecurities with the gusto of
a fat man at an All-You-Can-Eat salad buffet.

It is times like
these I wish I could just drop what I'm doing and continue being a
grunt for some corporation like I am now. But a degree, no matter if
you use it or not, is more important than if you don't have one at all.
It gives the holder some kind of social respect, even if it isn't much
given my field of study. And yet I still wish I could just once blow
everyone, including myself, away with something I produced.

The ego strokings
I got at the two shows I've done so far are nothing more but feel-good
food. I need something that will give me whatever filling feeling you
get after a nice and hearty meal. Only without the gas.