Between States

For the last several days, I've been caught in a very awkward spot.

I'm reading a driver's manual that is obviously aimed at teenagers with an eight-grade reading level. I placed and received my second order of adult contraband (at least in this state) but have yet to use two-thirds of them. I'm having several seemingly random thoughts involving people in my past who may not even exist.

And to escape all this, I turn to the Internet and cyber-pyrotechnics. I should be organizing my thoughts and feelings, writing them down, and publishing them for the world to see. Instead, I obsess over keeping track of trivial messages and the aesthetics of a cheap version of particle animations done by Pixar.

It's a hopeless feeling that I have right now. I want to connect with someone on some kind of emotional understanding, but when I do, I get clingy and co-dependent. Insecurities mount and before you know it, I'm six years old again looking for my mom in the mega-mall during the holiday shopping season. And when that happens, I end up pushing people away, mostly out of frustration for one reason or another. And then I find myself alone again.

What I wouldn't give for another one of those "You're coming with me and there's nothing you can say or do to get yourself out of it" moments like when Jason took me to a gay bar. Something, anything to force me to live in a way that I cannot force myself to do. I mean, even now, I'm typing this when I should be committing that driver's manual to memory or face a life totally dependent on public transit in the area of the country where they rip people off just for calling a cab to take them to the airport. I'm brooding when I should be preparing.

Yet, once again, I find that I cannot get my fat ass out of this chair to do what must be done.

I lack initiative in the things that matter. I had to force myself to get out and look for a job, and now I am going to have to force myself to learn how to drive in my mid-20's. And believe me, the former was easier than the latter of the two is right now.

And yet I don't lack any initiative in sitting down and producing fireworks in my video game. Cleaning my room wasn't ever as difficult as getting up and realizing that you have to study something you don't want. Of course I've put off both until the worse possibly moment, but still.

Growing up this late in the game is difficult. Especially for someone like me who is stuck between two different worlds of thinking.