My Morning Moment to Myself

While I have a moment to myself where nothing of any kind of importance to me is distracting me, I feel the need to express something that's been bothering me for quite awhile now.

Since about the second week into this semester, my weekends have been loaded with nothing but assignments that need my immediate attention. There were several times recently where I felt spent. More recently, my attention hasn't been as high as it should be with my projects, and as such, I'm starting not to care anymore about what I produce if anything. My weekends have become stressful, with very few escapes and time to relax. My nights have become longer, as I sleep soundly nearly as soon as I hit my bed.

And now that I have a moment to myself before I turn my attention to my homework, I can't help but feel empty.

I haven't talked to any of the guys for a while. I mean, really talk. Not the whole catch-up shit that we normally do if and when we ever talk. I mean really have a conversation worth remembering, worth sharing, worth writing about. The kind that makes me happy. The kind that makes me somewhat secure in my already bleak future. The kind I don't want to go to bed over. The kind I don't want to end.

The thing is, the distance between me and them is two fold. You have the physical distance and the social distance, both of which are wide. They are doing so much with their lives that I know I'm in the dark about because, let's face it, they aren't really as open about their life as little me and my blog. Because of my lack of personal blogging as of late, they don't know about what's going on with me. I can't really call them up and hang out with them either because they are no where near me.

This makes me feel really lonely. I actually had a moment to enjoy the fact that my stress load has been lighten somewhat, but I felt lonely. I felt empty. Cartoons were no longer funny. Games no longer were fun. I looked at the contact sheets of my pictures and saw crap instead of art. I looked at my drawing and saw shit instead of the potential for something great if only it was worked up some more.

At night, I find myself talking to myself to kill the loneliness just in time for my sleep. I've gotten pretty good at it, but the co-dependency gets worst when I wake up and find out Mr. Right was never there.

I try to be strong, but I can't.

I force myself to do things I'm tired of doing. I'm tired of forcing myself to face the same people, no matter how much I enjoy their company, what few people that fit this, that is. I don't want to create something forcefully because I have to meet some kind of grade. I'm tired of this kind of "forced creativity" that I've been experiencing.

I want someone to hold me and comfort me and protect me, but I know I'm not deserving. I'm not worthy of such things.

Mike, a classmate and fellow artist, said that he doesn't believe that he would make a good parent or a good boyfriend. Historically, according to him, most artists don't make good parents or spouses. Some are able to work things out, but an artist's life is a lonely one. The big name ones mostly live a life of solitude and enjoy it. It gives them time to create and do things without any kind of distractions. They are married to their work. They are in love with their work.

I don't know if this applies to me, but it is a fate I'm not ready or willing to accept. I don't want to be alone. I want someone to actually appreciate what I do and support me through all the good and bad. (And right now, I'm in a very bad time in my artistic "career," if you can even call it that.) I want someone to help be my muse or at least be my number one patron.

I thought I had this with David and his invitation to spend the summer with him creating art. Granted that David is taken, but it was still what I wanted. I could have and would have endured the fact that David is not available, but I would love and appreciate his support.

That chance will never come now.

I lost contact with him. I lost his friendship. All because I had to produce artwork that I'm right now not happy with.