I decided not to bother walking to the other, much quiter commercial area close to where I live for two reasons. One, it was still sale weekend which means there still are people out there hoarding the deals before they go away. Two, my legs were hurting like the dickens! In fact, as I'm typing this, my upper left calf is pulsing. Probibly with pain or with the mission to get nutrients to the muscle fibers.

Anyway, I started to do what I normally do here in Nashville. Yeah, the whole "eat-sleep-online" shit. I got really upset that I had nothing to do and no one to really hang out with. That wouldn't be the case if I was in Seattle, but I digress. If I ranted here about it... wait, I do that anyway! Well, upset that I had nothing to do and no one to hang out with, I decided to hack open one of my two packed boxes. The box formally used for the iMac now houses all my video games and their respective systems. I debated on selling the older ones untill I remembered that I like to sometimes go back and play the old games since I know some of them still work. Thank God I threw out the malfunctioning Mario Paint game. That sucker wouldn't get me five dollars if I tried. So, leaving the video game box sealed, I opened my entertainment box which held mostly CDs and videos that I like. Upon looking for cooking music, I couldn't find my Paganini CD I bought back when I was into the violin. For some reason, ever since watching that one episode of Queer as Folk where Justin meets and then falls in love with Ethan I have been wanting to break out that CD and just listen to the violin. Sad, huh? I blame Queer as Folk for that.

As far as cooking goes? I think I can make a decend mushroom and swiss burger. Now if only I had swiss instead of cheader.

Man, Dan was right. Oh well, another lesson learned... and again the hard way.

Today is what is known in the Animal Crossing world and in the real world as SALE DAY when consumers go out for the last minute bargin and employers look for help desprately. Stupid me thought, HEY, I can maybe get a job today! I mean, they are all hard up for help, right? God, I'm an idiot. I walked down to the nearest commercial area and hit up the stores I wouldn't mind working. Blockbuster said they are accepting application, but I need to go to a location five miles away to apply. On a strange whim, I went into the Christian Store. It used to be another Christian store known as Kindred Spirit which was a book store, but now it looks like it's under new management. Anyway, I got an application. They told me that they don't hire for the holidays, which is a good thing really, so I may have a chance. I stopped my Gold's Gym to see if I can get anything there, but they are fully staffed. Go figure since everyone working there has a better built than me. Why would they hire a scrawny, out-of-shape kid like me? As I took the safe way to Wal-mart, I passed by the Dollar Tree. To my surprise, they had a "Now Hiring" sign right there in their window. I went it and applied in the store. They said they will call back for an interview. I also passed by a computer store. Being of a techie, I thought I'd get a good foot in. Nope. They only take resumes (which I do not have).

When I got to Wal-mart, it was a mad house. The employee I talked to told me I can get application at lay-away. I went back there to be greeted by a line that streached all the way back to the front of the store! I'm not joking. I was considering just cutting and picking one up and running off, but I decided not to. There were three angry black ladies, mothers no doubt, and a big burly black man. I have learned to never EVER piss off a black momma or a big black dude. And with a cart load of Christmas presents? You'd really need a death wish to cut in front of them.

On my way home I started beating myself up again. Dan was right, and I didn't really listen to him. Proves how much I need him in person. I bet if he was here with me I would not have done such a stupid thing! I really need his guidance. The walk home felt longer because of this.

I made the mistake of taking a nap. When I woke up, my legs were litterally immovalized. I sat there for about thirty minutes just waiting for my muscles to react. When they finally did, I got up and ate lunch. I somehow got to go to OpryMills with some suttle help from Dad. I began to think about the job hunt, but on the ride there, I figured to just throw that out the window as well and go see Treasure Planet like I originally planned. I mean, c'mon, if Wal-mart was that bad today... imagin a mall with everything from the preppy Old Navy to the childish Build-a-Bear to a classy store like Blacklion. Yeah, you get the picture.

So much for the job hunt. Now I know better.

GO SEE TREASURE PLANET ON IMAX IF YOU CAN! YOU WON'T REGRET IT!

Today just didn't feel right to me. I kept thinking about Dan and Jimmy and Bill and David and Andrew and everything I had going for me only to lose it because of something stupid. It sucked, really. I don't know why I keep brooding over things like this. I hate that part of me.

I hate being alone. I really do. I hate being the odd ball and not given enough attention or well known or whatever. I wish I was still there at Dan's. I wish I was able to meet Jimmy before I had to leave. Maybe that would have helpped me feel better or something. I wish that I could be there for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Hell, I wish that Andrew or David or even the both of them plus Jimmy would drop by and make my day so perfect.

I wish for alot of things I'll never get. Damn greed.

Man, this sucks.

I took me this long to realize that three days after opening a bank account that I'm back to my old "eat-sleep-play" shit. When I realized it, I got so mad at myself I had to... cook.

Strange, yes, but whatever works, right?

I dug into my pockets and pulled out a recipe that Dan gave me. At first, I pictured it to be a kind of jumbolia dish or something. When I finished it, it looked more like gumbo. Maybe I need more rice. I didn't follow it to the letter. I took some creative licenses with with adding some choice spices and what have you. Apparently I didn't stir or blend the mix right because some parts are alot hotter than others. Consintrated chilli powder will do that to you sometimes. Well, now I know better.

I'm going to make it a point to see if I can't get a job after Thanksgiving. I don't know why I waited till then. I mean, I was in a freaking grocery store within walking distance of home! Why didn't I get an application? Cause as a first job it's not all that great? I don't know, maybe I'm too ambitious.

Speeking of which, as slow as I am, I came to a realization as to a part of my personality I never really gave much thought to.

For the longest time, myself and my well being, as well as most of my family's welfare, have been riding in the back seat. Why? Because I don't see why I should put myself higher than what I want to do. What I want to do is nothing short of change the world. Okay, maybe it is, but it's because of one big reason. Pride. I have none. I was never the star quarterback or track runner with the highest marks. I didn't even have a chance at Validictorian. Hell, I have nothing under my belt to be proud of!! Some would say my health since I don't drink or smoke, but overall, my health sucks in the nural quadrents. No, I'm not dumb; I just have some problems my brain isn't really good at forgetting or getting over. So that was the big realization. The reason I want to make a video game no one has seen before or change an abandon theater into an arcade for the masses instead of worrying about how much money I personally own in the bank and the fact I need to become another working cog of society is because I have nothing to be proud of. I have nothing that makes me feel good about myself, something I can always look back on and say "Hey, I did that and everyone loved it! It was the highlight of my life!"

If only I could have something like that. A sucess. Just one.

Well, guess what?

I'm back in Nashville. Yup, that's right. It actually happened. Needless to say I'm not all that pleased about it, but as they say, "shit happens." You know what sucks the most out of this? The one person that I wanted to prove wrong was right. I screwed myself. Doesn't help much with the self-confidence issue I have, does it?

As you can see, I'm over it. The strange thing is, the fact that I screwed myself over fueled something. A weird kind of determination to at least try that which I did not learn while in Seattle. On top of that, it seems to have sped up what's going on with Jimmy and me. I blame Dan for that one. Actually, I can't blame him in a bad way. So far what's come out of this is really good. I'm serious! I know I have a reputation for being a pessamist, but so far alot of good things have come out of this mostly because of something Dan did.

Life's weird like that.

I'd like to close this blog with an e-mail I read today when I came home and finished eating dinner.

Zeke,

I found your blogger. It's fascinating. It will surely keep me from turning in my grad school applications on time. I've only read snatches so far....something about a guy with an 8-pack.....the stuff that happened on my birthday......your being told to get a job. Fantastic! Oye! Do not grow bored with it. I have so much catching up to do. Weird. I've never read a stranger's blogger before.

Ed

Wow!! That's new. Someone actually finds my bolg interesting and is reading the whole thing?! That's a welcome thing to come back to, I guess... even if Ed didn't spell my name right.

Boredom strikes and look what it left behind!


Old Man Winter Baby
(Normal Ignored Functional Adult)

Brrrr. Your inner child is Old Man Winter Baby, or an NIFA, blowing cold winds in from the North and freezing all in your path. Your inner chillin' grew up a long time ago, before the sun came and warmed the planet. You are what is known in religious tracts as an "old soul."

Your little man in you tends to freeze at the wrong time-- just when what you need is hot buttered action. So try a little tenderness once in a while, huh? Lighten up. The good news is you don't need professional help. Pet a puppy, jazzercise or lick a ripe watermelon and you'll start to feel much, much better.

Well, at least I don't need theropy.

Have you ever had the feeling that no matter how well you are preforming you are never up to par with what people think you should be doing? Ever tell them to just mind their own business? Sometimes I can do that because I know more than they do. Most of the time I can't cause I don't know squat about anything.

It's weird. The harder I try to do something, the less appealing or pleasing the outcome is. I mean, I'm doing my job and all that needs to be done. It's just the whole "you should do this and that" that's making me feel like I'm really not doing a good job.

Maybe I'm just taking it the wrong way.

I wonder how long it will last?

Recently, thanks in-part to AT&T's cable box in the Seattle area, I've gotten into a Showtime show known as Queer as Folk. It's fasinating, compelling, excellently executed, sexy...

Well, watch it for yourself and tell me what you think.

It seems kind of strange right now. My situation. I don't know what it is, really. I just have this feeling that I'm back at square one again. Mostly cause I'm bored and just waiting on Dan's next day off so I can help him pack again instead of cleaning up and all that. Partly cause I'm here to learn something that will help me get that jumpstart on life that I desprately need!

I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking too much again.

I never should have jacked off today.

Even though last night was Halloween, I got scared for a different reason.

Dan and I were talking about shit when the subject about me getting a job came up. Well, that's the main reason I came up to Seattle anyway. To get a job and start a life I know I would hate to have down there. Still, the strange thing is that there was this part of me that kept saying over and over in my head that I've done something like this before. No, not get a job and start a new life. It was me willingly putting myself on my own in an environment that was somewhat alien because I knew deep down inside I needed this.

And, hell, did I needed to hear what was told to me last night!

I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but the speech that Dan gave me wasn't anything like what they could ever give me. There were two things that hit me when it happened. The first was the harsh hit of reality that everyone in one point of their life gets hit with and has to swallow. That was an immediate and lasting blow. The second was this feeling of great joy. It's strange, but for some reason I KNEW that I was going to be told something like this and was hoping to have it told to me to get me going.

After getting over the scare of what the real world is like, I have to say that it worked. That and a mix of boredom.