I have no one to blame but myself. I brought all this upon myself. All these problems that I'm facing now. All this is my fault.

I didn't sleep much last night. My mind kept tourturing me with thoughts and senarios I quickly forgot about yet was still deeply affected by. I learned that the phrase "I don't know" only means you are hiding something. I found out that lying also means that you can't deliver something you said you could even if the reason is beyound you. I learned that I shouldn't make promises I can't keep. I wish I knew myself better. Hell, I wish alot of things. That doesn't mean I won't get it... if ever.

I've decided this morning after "waking up" that I should lower my expectations greatly. It's no used hoping in something you can't ever get. So now my expectations are this.

I'm expecting to get kicked out to make room for someone worthy of taking my place.
I'm expecting to go live in either a place I want to be or a place I have to be.
I'm expecting to fail at whatever I set out to do in life.
I'm expecting to not have anyone to talk to outside of online message board discussions about Disney.
I'm expecting to end up single and alone untill I'm either dead or at some pathetic age close to it.
I'm expecting to not ever in a million lifetimes find anyone that will be my lover.
I'm expecting not to have one.
I'm expecting that all the things I will expect to happen will not happen because something worst than what I expect will manifest itself sooner or later.

So now what do I do? What is there left for me to do? Fish out my laundry? Pack up what little I unpacked? Listen to the sad music box tune that is my life as I ball myself up in a cornor and cry in the back of my feeble and fragile mind? What do I do now? What can I do?

I don't want to go back to where I was. I don't want to go back to being miserable and not cared about. I don't want to go back to being alone. I don't want to go back to being isolated from everyon cause I don't know how to be like them. I don't want my heart to be broken like it is. I don't want to lose hope or throw out my dreams again.

But I can't!

I failed. It's hardly been a week and I already failed. I didn't even make it pass a week! I'm a failure. I'll always be a failure. At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if I ended up going back to Hell and getting a dead-end job for Satan and all his little shallow teenie boppers that think they can fit their fat asses into a size 2 pair of jeans. Hell, I'd be lucky if I can even get that.

I wish I could say "I don't know" right now, but I know now I can't say that. It doesn't mean that you are clueless like I thought it did. It means you are hiding something. I'm not hiding anything. I genuinely don't know what to do next, where to go from here, how to live my life. I'm so different it's pathetic! Had I been born twenty years earlier, I would have been okay with the way I am. But I'm not. In a day and age where gay boys now are out there doing what they do best, I'm still this liitle boy scared and timid and unsure about just about everything. Even straight boys will eat me up and then spit me right out with the way I am. I'll be lucky if I can make a friend after this.

I have nothing again. Nothing. I had nothing to begin with. Maybe that's because I am nothing. I'm no one important. I'm nothing special. I'm just life's big loser. A walking failure.