I guess I really did it this time. I blew the big one. Just when I thought all was good, it turns out I blew it. I never could do much of anything right.

There must be something wrong with me. There just has to be. I must be this screwed up person that will fail at everything that he sets his heart on. I must be cursed or damned or who knows what. Undeserving. Un worthy. The lowest form of human being possible short of primative and neandertholic. A failure to mankind as we know it. A failure to the human race. A failure to my family. A failure to me.

I'm just life's big loser.

How? How is it possible that I just keep screwing up at everything. How is it that everything I want to do ends up in a pile of white ash? How is it that I have become this failure? How is it possible for me to be so lost and torn and confused and stupid all the time? How is anything that I've done humanly possible?

What happened? Where did life, my life, go so wrong? Can it be fixed? Can anything be saved? Anything at all? Is there no hope left? Is there nothing left to believe in? Will I have to resort to spending countless amounts of money on video games to keep me happy even if that happiness is nothing more but false? Will I ever be truely happy? Will I ever be able to be able to try again at getting a life I want? Will I ever have any tried-and-true friends that would do anything for me? Will I ever have friends that I would do anything I could for them? Will I be able to love again? Is it even possible for someone to love me and take care of me the way I have only dreamed of? Will there be anything good for me in the future?

I wish I knew better. I wish I was more in tune with the world. I wish I wasn't this big mess of problems. I wish I was cooler. I wish I was more social. I wish I could do something good for a change in my life that would benifit and change what I have going for me. I wish I could bottle up happiness and keep it forever. I wish I could have someone to love me and to love back. I wish I was more cable. I wish I was better.

I wish too much.

What's the point of wishing these days? The moment you wish upon a star at my age is the moment all credibility is lost. No one takes you seriously when you still believe in childish things and fantasy and dreams that are impossible. It's okay to believe in those things, but who would take you serious if you do?

Sometimes I wonder about where I would be if I had never met Andrew that lonely August night on AOL. I still wonder where I would be if I never had kept up contact with him for so long and got to meet the rest of his family. Where would I be then if that had never happened? What would I be doing? Who would I be with? Would I be happy? Would I be better off? Or would I be back to where I am now? Hurt, confused, depressed, and utterly alone.

You know what? What's the point of this? No one reads this. No one cares. Everyone else has their own problems. Why would anyone want to know mine? Why would anyone want to read this shit? All these bubbles of feelings that no one word could describe. All these thoughts and interest that reside in my mind. No one cares about that. In fact, if I made this into an Animal Crossing diary, no one that doesn't have a clue about the game would even read it then! So what is it that makes me still do this? What is is that makes me just continue this stupid process of trying to transfer abstract feelings and real tears into digital text and data? What am I trying to do with all this? What is it I'm trying to acomplish? Why shouldn't I just stop right now and let what I've blogged be nothing more but wasted cyber space?

Life is nothing more but a big mystery that no one will understand. It is a hard journey for some and an easy cruise for others. For the rest of us, it's just one step away from death and the promise of eternal paradise for suffering so much... or so I've been told. For all I know I could be damned to Hell just for being gay and thinking perverted thoughts and who knows what else. I'm not worthy of eternal paradise. I'm probibly not even worthy enough for eternal damnation. All I know now is that I'm not worthy to be even living a life... if you can call what I've been through a life, that is. Moving away once you got established. Learning that you don't fit in at such a young age. Trying to do that while making good grades. Trying to get the attention of your family and other classmates for something that you think is cool only to be thrown to the way-side. Learning that you have a problem that's causing more problems. Finding out that the problem doesn't have a cure... or at least a definate one. Living in the shadows of the people you admire and wish you could be. Being part of that little group of social weirdos that no one wants to be a part of. Having little self worth or understanding why you should have some with an award or an honor that you take as stupid or granted so that the nerds like yourself doing feel like a total nerd after all the jocks get their trophies and pep rallies. Thinking you'll be able to start a new life and that you'll be able to do anyting only to find out you can't. Getting a taste of what you want but never being able to get the full plate. Wasting a year just waiting to get your hands back on what you once lost. And now. Now you realise that there is nothing you can truely do. There never was anything you could do. You were just part of the daily grind. Nothing more but background, and once you tried to go onto the main stage, you get pushed right back. Oh sure, there are some bright moments, but they are about as bright as a single fiber optic cable light in the vacum of space if you ask me. At least they are now.

I'll never be anything.