I got a strange e-mail today.

It was from someone that stumbled upon my blog through Google. It said something along the lines of how they don't have time to read the entire archive to find out the answers to some questions that I have neglected to answer here seeing how this is nothing more but a place of rants and raves.

This e-mail helped me proved two things. It proved to me that no one really truely reads this blog from start to end. It also proved me wrong in thinking that no one would find this blog at all.

How do I do it? How do I fucking do it?

If I was to sign up with a frat house, last night was my Hell Week. Well, sorta speeck. It all started when I was starting to be a big ass clutz doing several things wrong. Cheif among them was my "job" as well as the whole not-being-able-to-operate-when-cold thing. I don't know what the deal with that is. Maybe I'm part lizard. Anyway, time warp now all the way to just before dusk last night. Dan and I left to pick up a friend of his. His name is Kevin, and off the bat I could tell that this boy was probibly going to be like the ones that used to beat me up in gym class. Actually, I was dead wrong. Kevin is really cool. I like him and his company. He's really sexually agressive, and bisexual. All and all a very cool dude that I am happy to have met. After we got back to Dan's, everything was all cool and fun. We talked about alot of stuff and even carved the pumpkins that were long overdue for carving.

Then I made my first mistake of that night.

They were both drinking and having a good time like they always do when Kevin suggested that we take a cruise out on his caddilac. I've never been in one, so since it was an open invitation, I jumped in. Bad move. The ride freaked me out when we were on it. I wasn't used to seeing the driver down a few cans of beer while still being able to drive straight. Right now, I'm over it and see no problem with it since they drink responsibly, but since I never had any kind of exposer to that, I started fearing for my life during the whole 20 minutes or so ride. I blame all those damned car crash videos they show Driver's Ed students. They noticed I was scared and I even told them flat out. When we got back to the appartment, things too a turn for the worst. Dan said that this kind of stuff always happens with him and Jimmy and Bill, and if I can't handle it with Kevin--who is not as bad as them, but good enough to get a good flavoring as to how Jimmy and Bill are--then I am not ready to be even here in Seattle.

Talks about sending me back home started to come up. I started to worry. I dint' want to go back. One way or another, the converstation shifted yet again to my additude during the day and how unhelpful I was. All this was coming from Dan. Kevin was probibly feeling sorry for me or something, but in the end, because of their long history, he sided with Dan. After Kevin passed out on the sofa, Dan started yelling at me about how I didn't vacum the floor and other things that I was suppose to do, but didn't think about doing for one stupid reason or another. Everytime I tried to say something that I thought would help me, it only made me look stupider.

Then I said a stupid answer that got Dan so mad he hit me.

After that, he kept repeating the same thing over and over again about how stupid my answers were, about how lazy I am to not take it upon myself to do something I wasn't told to do, that he never wanted me up there in the first place, about how he felt used and how he doesn't need this from me. He wanted to send me home at that very moment. I didn't bother fighting him back, cause I knew there was nothing I could say to him that would make him believe me or like me again. I mean, what can I say to him that would help me out in defence? Nothing.

This morning, after Kevin left, I cleaned the entire appartment while Dan recovered from his hangover. The entire time I was doing it, I kept thinking to myself why am I even bothering? I'm being sent home! I'm packed and disappointed. Dan even called up my dad and Josh saying that he's had it with me and that it didn't work out. For some reason, I finished alot faster than I thought. After words, Dan came out to take a piss and noticed the cleaning.

I meantioned that he hit me last night just in case he forgot. He didn't.

Know what he said in reply?

"Well, someone was going to have to knock some sense into you."

I'm still dead, though. While I was putting glasses into the dishwasher, I accedently broke Kevin's favorite beer glass.

I guess I really did it this time. I blew the big one. Just when I thought all was good, it turns out I blew it. I never could do much of anything right.

There must be something wrong with me. There just has to be. I must be this screwed up person that will fail at everything that he sets his heart on. I must be cursed or damned or who knows what. Undeserving. Un worthy. The lowest form of human being possible short of primative and neandertholic. A failure to mankind as we know it. A failure to the human race. A failure to my family. A failure to me.

I'm just life's big loser.

How? How is it possible that I just keep screwing up at everything. How is it that everything I want to do ends up in a pile of white ash? How is it that I have become this failure? How is it possible for me to be so lost and torn and confused and stupid all the time? How is anything that I've done humanly possible?

What happened? Where did life, my life, go so wrong? Can it be fixed? Can anything be saved? Anything at all? Is there no hope left? Is there nothing left to believe in? Will I have to resort to spending countless amounts of money on video games to keep me happy even if that happiness is nothing more but false? Will I ever be truely happy? Will I ever be able to be able to try again at getting a life I want? Will I ever have any tried-and-true friends that would do anything for me? Will I ever have friends that I would do anything I could for them? Will I be able to love again? Is it even possible for someone to love me and take care of me the way I have only dreamed of? Will there be anything good for me in the future?

I wish I knew better. I wish I was more in tune with the world. I wish I wasn't this big mess of problems. I wish I was cooler. I wish I was more social. I wish I could do something good for a change in my life that would benifit and change what I have going for me. I wish I could bottle up happiness and keep it forever. I wish I could have someone to love me and to love back. I wish I was more cable. I wish I was better.

I wish too much.

What's the point of wishing these days? The moment you wish upon a star at my age is the moment all credibility is lost. No one takes you seriously when you still believe in childish things and fantasy and dreams that are impossible. It's okay to believe in those things, but who would take you serious if you do?

Sometimes I wonder about where I would be if I had never met Andrew that lonely August night on AOL. I still wonder where I would be if I never had kept up contact with him for so long and got to meet the rest of his family. Where would I be then if that had never happened? What would I be doing? Who would I be with? Would I be happy? Would I be better off? Or would I be back to where I am now? Hurt, confused, depressed, and utterly alone.

You know what? What's the point of this? No one reads this. No one cares. Everyone else has their own problems. Why would anyone want to know mine? Why would anyone want to read this shit? All these bubbles of feelings that no one word could describe. All these thoughts and interest that reside in my mind. No one cares about that. In fact, if I made this into an Animal Crossing diary, no one that doesn't have a clue about the game would even read it then! So what is it that makes me still do this? What is is that makes me just continue this stupid process of trying to transfer abstract feelings and real tears into digital text and data? What am I trying to do with all this? What is it I'm trying to acomplish? Why shouldn't I just stop right now and let what I've blogged be nothing more but wasted cyber space?

Life is nothing more but a big mystery that no one will understand. It is a hard journey for some and an easy cruise for others. For the rest of us, it's just one step away from death and the promise of eternal paradise for suffering so much... or so I've been told. For all I know I could be damned to Hell just for being gay and thinking perverted thoughts and who knows what else. I'm not worthy of eternal paradise. I'm probibly not even worthy enough for eternal damnation. All I know now is that I'm not worthy to be even living a life... if you can call what I've been through a life, that is. Moving away once you got established. Learning that you don't fit in at such a young age. Trying to do that while making good grades. Trying to get the attention of your family and other classmates for something that you think is cool only to be thrown to the way-side. Learning that you have a problem that's causing more problems. Finding out that the problem doesn't have a cure... or at least a definate one. Living in the shadows of the people you admire and wish you could be. Being part of that little group of social weirdos that no one wants to be a part of. Having little self worth or understanding why you should have some with an award or an honor that you take as stupid or granted so that the nerds like yourself doing feel like a total nerd after all the jocks get their trophies and pep rallies. Thinking you'll be able to start a new life and that you'll be able to do anyting only to find out you can't. Getting a taste of what you want but never being able to get the full plate. Wasting a year just waiting to get your hands back on what you once lost. And now. Now you realise that there is nothing you can truely do. There never was anything you could do. You were just part of the daily grind. Nothing more but background, and once you tried to go onto the main stage, you get pushed right back. Oh sure, there are some bright moments, but they are about as bright as a single fiber optic cable light in the vacum of space if you ask me. At least they are now.

I'll never be anything.

I hope this page I found off of Google holds out. Basically, I found a progress page on an action figure project that I have been keeping an eye on. Basically, it's an anotomically correct male action figure for the gay market. Yes, you read that right. Think Ken with an actual dick and gay. Oh, and did I fail to meantion about the nice bubble butt on him?

I have no one to blame but myself. I brought all this upon myself. All these problems that I'm facing now. All this is my fault.

I didn't sleep much last night. My mind kept tourturing me with thoughts and senarios I quickly forgot about yet was still deeply affected by. I learned that the phrase "I don't know" only means you are hiding something. I found out that lying also means that you can't deliver something you said you could even if the reason is beyound you. I learned that I shouldn't make promises I can't keep. I wish I knew myself better. Hell, I wish alot of things. That doesn't mean I won't get it... if ever.

I've decided this morning after "waking up" that I should lower my expectations greatly. It's no used hoping in something you can't ever get. So now my expectations are this.

I'm expecting to get kicked out to make room for someone worthy of taking my place.
I'm expecting to go live in either a place I want to be or a place I have to be.
I'm expecting to fail at whatever I set out to do in life.
I'm expecting to not have anyone to talk to outside of online message board discussions about Disney.
I'm expecting to end up single and alone untill I'm either dead or at some pathetic age close to it.
I'm expecting to not ever in a million lifetimes find anyone that will be my lover.
I'm expecting not to have one.
I'm expecting that all the things I will expect to happen will not happen because something worst than what I expect will manifest itself sooner or later.

So now what do I do? What is there left for me to do? Fish out my laundry? Pack up what little I unpacked? Listen to the sad music box tune that is my life as I ball myself up in a cornor and cry in the back of my feeble and fragile mind? What do I do now? What can I do?

I don't want to go back to where I was. I don't want to go back to being miserable and not cared about. I don't want to go back to being alone. I don't want to go back to being isolated from everyon cause I don't know how to be like them. I don't want my heart to be broken like it is. I don't want to lose hope or throw out my dreams again.

But I can't!

I failed. It's hardly been a week and I already failed. I didn't even make it pass a week! I'm a failure. I'll always be a failure. At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if I ended up going back to Hell and getting a dead-end job for Satan and all his little shallow teenie boppers that think they can fit their fat asses into a size 2 pair of jeans. Hell, I'd be lucky if I can even get that.

I wish I could say "I don't know" right now, but I know now I can't say that. It doesn't mean that you are clueless like I thought it did. It means you are hiding something. I'm not hiding anything. I genuinely don't know what to do next, where to go from here, how to live my life. I'm so different it's pathetic! Had I been born twenty years earlier, I would have been okay with the way I am. But I'm not. In a day and age where gay boys now are out there doing what they do best, I'm still this liitle boy scared and timid and unsure about just about everything. Even straight boys will eat me up and then spit me right out with the way I am. I'll be lucky if I can make a friend after this.

I have nothing again. Nothing. I had nothing to begin with. Maybe that's because I am nothing. I'm no one important. I'm nothing special. I'm just life's big loser. A walking failure.

Man, it's only been three days and already something has happened that made me want to blog after finishing what needs to be done.

Well, in any event. There are a few things on my mind right now as you would have guessed. The obvious and mostly shallow portion of my mind is craving to get it's grimey little hands on Animal Crossing or Kingdom Hearts. Just beyound that is the little area of paranoia with fears of both past and present being its residents. Go on deeper pass that vault that contains all this useless knowledge of the supernatural that I've somehow built up and there you are. You're at the point in my mind where thoughts and dreams and processes are made as far as I'm concerned. In other words, its that well that doesn't look like it has water but does if you go deep enough.

So what's in my well right now? Just thoughts, really. Nothing all that special if you ask me. Mostly wondering thoughts about things like why I even fell in love with Jimmy so hard and what the future may hold. I'm actually quite fearful of the future. I think everyone is really. I mean, the unknown scares everyone. The not knowing about what's behind that cornor or who is hiding in the shadow or even who that missed call on your cell phone was. So what is it about the future that I"m so scared about right now? It's mostly how my preformance here will affect my life. This is my last chance to make myself something. To get what I want. And I'm scared at the fact that this could also end badly for me. Like all my work and effort and trying (or lack there of, if that turns out to be the case) was all for nothing. It's as if I finished doing step one and now I can't find out what step two is. I don't know.

You know, sometimes I wish I was able to do things better. You know, be smarter so I can think on my feet better or have more stamina to be more built. You know, just things that I'm lacking and probibly is too late to even learn about or how to do or anything.

Man, listen to me. I'm 19 and I'm sounding like I've retired from a dead-end factory job with enough time on my hands to try to do what I've always wanted to do when I was younger. You know the kind of person I'm talking about, don't you?

We always get up early before big trips. The thing is with me, I couldn't sleep at all last night. That's a sign of excitement with me.

Yup, I'm excited. In about four hours, I'll be taking off to Seattle to meet up with Dan.

Time to start a new life. If I can't, I rather be dead.

I found out what was up with the cable that was so weird.

Apparently the Billing department and the Tech departement of the cable company we have don't talk to each other. They didn't get the notice that we paid the bill, however late, and still cut off the service.

But that's not important.

What's important is that tomorrow, yes tomorrow, I finally get to go back to Seattle!!!! I'm so excited! I got all my paperwork and things I need and clothes and mind-set and everything! I can't wait to get up there. I have so much I need to do, so much I need to prove to myself and to the others. I have to do this. I can't fail! I can't afford to. I must do this right. I have to succeed or else I have no future. As dramatic as that sounds, it's true. If I fail at this, the one thing I've been waiting a year for, then what do I have? I have nothing if I fail. I can't fail! I won't fail!

Well, this sucks.

Around noon today, the cable died. With that death came the death of the cable modem. If the cable doesn't work, the cable modem won't work. Kind of like how the phone lines are down you can't use a dial up modem or a modem that requires a phone jack.

It's been like since then!

I've been watching movies that I've either grown to nearly forget or otherwise feel will be the last time I'll get to view them on the surround sound system here.

Given all that's happened today technology wise, I'm glad I'm going to leave Thursday.

You know what? I'm starting to wonder if this Blogger account is nothing more but a waste of cyberspace. I mean, The last time I blogged was about two days ago! And knowing how I operate on message boards, unless something pops up, I probibly won't have a use for this in the future.

Oh, thank God that this Thursday I'm finally leaving for Seattle!!

I'm a bad big brother.

I almost forgot that today is my sister's 17th birthday.

Bad bad bad me!

I can't seem to get it out of my head! It still is bothering me.

WHAT DID I DO WRONG LAST NIGHT?! What did I say wrong that pissed off Aaron? I can't think of what I possibly have said that would have pissed him off last night? What did I do wrong?

God, I wish I never packed up Pokemon. I need an escape from reality, like, now!

It's amazing how you can say something that you think is right turns out to be something wrong.

Yup, that's right, I screwed up again. Just under a week before I leave for Seattle and I went and done something stupid again. The thing is, I don't know what it was I did wrong. I thought I was saying and doing everything all right and all cool. Apparently, I wasn't, because I ended up pissing off Aaron when I was trying to explain my added modivation as to why I have to do what I need to do and why I'm so hell-bent in trying to make it work and not screw up.

Damn prefectionism.

In other news: I had the strangest dream. I think my wrestling fetish got a hold of the dream factory in my brain. I had a dream where I was the towel boy for a high school/college wrestling team. We were on a bus and had to stop by a hotel for the night. I ended up having sex with three of the members of the team! My mind loves to tease me.

Well, back to Animal Crossing Online for me. Hey, this is the only site that I've found about the game Animal Crossing that's decently made up and easy to navigate... of course, their screenshot area could use a lesson in thumbnails, but still a good site.

I saw a commercial today that made me think really hard about something I have put off for a long time.

In the commercial, a homeless man is looking for change in the park. A young man comes up and drops some change in. The homeless man starts up a conversation asking if there's no school today. The young man says he dropped out. The homeless man then gives back the young man his change. They then flash a black screen with a statistic along the lines of 44% of college drop outs don't make enough money because they can't get a high level/degree job.

I'm starting to wonder if I will be able to go to college now. Granted, I haven't taken it as seriously as I should have. In fact, I've been half-assed about the whole deal. If it's not my grades that can't get me in, I know my wallet can't. I mean, I was told I had this great artistic skill by so many only to get turned down by a relitively new art school.

One step at a time, Zeek. First you need the money. Addmissions will understand... I hope.

From Animal Crossing Review:

For anyone who has grown tired of the constant challenge in video games and just wants a pleasant diversion from real-world pressures, Animal Crossing does the job.

Sounds like I found the game for me now!

To see what Emeril was up to the last few months ago when he was down here, I watched Emeril Live: Emeril Salutes Nashville tonight.

Man, I have never drooled over southern food before like he made me do tonight! On his menue tonight was...

1. Smoked BBQ Ribs with Emeril's BBQ Sauce
2. Caramelized Sweet Potatoes
3. Slow Cooked Country Green Beans
4. Cheesy Corn Jalapeno Muffins
5. Nashville Fried Catfish
6. Fried Pickles
7. Hazel's Banana Pudding Parfait

I have to learn how to cook those. They sound good... even thought I'm not all that fond of ribs, but the Fried Catfish I just have to try now after avoiding it since I moved here!