Cause and Effect

I like to believe that behind my back I'm told I'm over dramatic, that someone out there believes that what I do is nothing more than a reaction that shouldn't be due to extreme feelings. It's better than believing that nobody is talking about you.

I've been trying to go to Spain and Italy on a Study Abroad class. While most of progress for the trip has been met, I recently fell into a snag with trying to get the final payment in. I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say it involves a lot of miscommunication. Then again, what doesn't in my life?

Things were said, messages were delivered back and forth, and I was starting to lose sleep over my future education prospects. One thing lead to another, and I found myself in a fit of depression transferring money from an account I designed as something I shouldn't touch unless I absolutely had to to my checking account with the purpose of making the rest of the payment myself.

As noble and independent as my actions were, given my own history, I feel like a fool. I know my actions won't go without consequence.

The way I see it, I'm officially broke anyway. The remaining cash I have is pretty much spent on the computer I'm typing this on. Any money I have been spending in the past is just a false debt that I'm accumulating. On top of all this are my Student Loans and future tuition costs and who knows what else.

I was never good with money. I always bought things that didn't matter. So why is it that I feel so bad now that I actually spent money on something that I want? I want to go to Spain and Italy. I want to actually go there without some pretense like a religious pilgrimage to save my soul. I want to go to Europe and see the things that I'm actually interested in with people who are equally interested in those things as well. So why do I feel like I just did something horrible just now?