Dashboard of Ideas and Possibilities

Ever since Jason started to take it upon himself to teach me how to drive, several strange things have been happening. Not between me and Jason, but just in general.

The first thing that appeared to happen was a sudden feeling of genuine respect from those that I told this to. The people were nice before, there's no denying that, but it seems now that they are actually treating me like a human being. I even got that feeling from people that don't even know that I'm learning how to drive for the first time in several years! In fact, I'm convinced several people are thinking that I'm just learning how to drive a stick instead of learning how to drive ON a stick.

Naturally, with learning how to drive what amounts to a several-hundred pound metal battering ram, there is always that sense of fear or some kind of paralysing nervousness. I had that happen just recently when I had to make a right turn while a car was behind me. If memory still serves me correctly, the car died in the process and I couldn't get my sense of self back. That's right. I couldn't feel like myself for a while after being frozen in fear.

I'm told that I should use this experience to make art. There is a great potential there and a large amount of ground to cover. Everything from delayed rites of passages and the feeling of being lower than rock bottom as far as how pathetic you feel. Unfortunately, I have no idea where to start. Writing down my feelings seems to be the best starting point right now, as I'm very used to doing that. Not this past month as much, mind you, but it is still a normal practice for me.

The idea of visually communicating how pathetic I feel for being as old as I am and just now getting around to (re)learning how to drive appeals to me. It's probably going to be a very powerful body of work if I can explore it effectively. But I've never been good at evoking a feeling visually. My technique gets in the way. Or rather, my lack there of. However, before I can concern myself with my technique, I have to ask myself this: How the hell do I produce the feeling of being lower than pathetic visually using nothing but my experiences?

Appendix
Added @ 11:55
I guess I should also add here something that I feel needs to be said, but hasn't been able to be put into words until now.

For a long time, a lot of people have always told me that nobody is going to come down out of the blue and help you do the things that will make you a better person. You have to do them yourself, because the world is just that cruel. And for just as long, I refused to believe that. I refused to believe that the world was that heartless, even after being teased and bullied for years. Something that would have probably confirmed what was told me so many times.

But then came Jason, forcing me to sit behind the wheel of his shitty car illegally (I don't have a learner's permit still). And he is willing to take the time to teach me. I'm not a bother to him. I'm not taking up his time. I even asked him this past session if I was taking him away from something as important as sleep since he was yawning a lot.

To say that I appreciate his time and his willingness to do what everyone else said could never and would never be done wouldn't be enough. Yes, I appreciate what he is doing, but not at the level in which such words could truly show. It's as if we are breaking all the rules of what is considered normal by society all over again, only this time we are enjoying it for what it is and actually benefiting from it instead of just producing chaos. It's that crazy urge that actually is crazy enough to work out in the end.

It's a hard thing to explain. I feel more than appreciation for what he is doing, but what that feeling is I can't tell. Gratitude, maybe. Or some kind of social debt in which the words "I owe you one" need to be paid in full upon uttering them.

All I know is that when I'm sitting in his car trying to learn how to drive knowing that he is willingly teaching me, knowing that he wasn't forced and that he is practically forcing me to force myself to do something I've been putting off for 7 years, I get this feeling like something good will come out of it. Something better than sex.