I've said to so many times on here, I doubt anyone would take this blog seriously.

This is it. Last night, it finally happened. After frustrating them to no end, it finally happen. They all got fed up with me. Every last one. My belief and my drive to do things respectfully and puting me second thinking that was the way to go was nothing more than the bullet to the head that I deserve to have shot. I couldn't fight whatever they pulled out against me. I couldn't even debate the facts. I couldn't defend myself because I, frankly, don't know how to. I'm so different that I'm in a league of my own. Something I thought was a good thing at one point in time.

The following is probibly the last time I'll ever even get to talk to Dan. The reason I'm sharing this with you is because I feel this explains better than anything I can type. At least without ranting that is.

Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 07:42:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: Zeek Slider
Subject: Last Ditch by the Bitch
To: Dan

I don't know where to begin with this, so I'll just start with my current state. I can't sleep. My heart races. I feel a loneliness I can't phathom let alone deal with. I don't know why I'm typing this. I doubt it will even get through. It just feels like I need to do this.

Everyone says that maybe deep down inside I wanted this to happen, and maybe I did. Maybe I had some weird idea that if this would happen that I would be better off and you would be the one that hurts to the point of hunting me down. Don't think that can't happen. Maybe I had some stupid fantasy that I would come out on top of everything no matter what happened with this. Maybe I'm just dillusional. Either case, I'm not sure myself. My mind keeps going back and forth about this. My heart says I did the right thing, but it says it with so much pain.

Am I truely in a league of my own? I thought being unique was a good thing. Is being too unique just as bad as being a dime a dozen?

I really wish I could afford consoling. I wish I knew this town better to find community centers that did this kind of stuff for free. I wish for alot of things I know I'll never get. I'll never stop dreaming, though.

I don't know what it is, really, but there are parts of me that feel like I screwed myself over again. Other parts are saying I was set up. And even more so, there is a worry and care for James that just eats away at my soul. I know he'll be alright, but is he really?

I've never felt so messed up in my life.

To sacrifice your own wants and needs and things that would make you happy, I thought, for the happiness of others in the name of respect was like being a marter in its own right. I always thought that puting myself second was a good thing because that made me care about other people and respect the ones I love. I always thought that it showed that I cared about them more than I care about myself. I guess that is my greatest weakness and not a strength like I thought.

I'm not expecting much of anything to come out of this e-mail. Like you said, all of you. You're done with me. Last night was it. I'll never hear from you again. I'll never see Dan again. I'll never even IM you guys ever again. You've had it with me. I've drove you to the brink of your frustrations and pushed you over that cliff. I can't blame you for what you are doing.

You told me that you wish things would work out for me. Wishing that won't work. I need a prayer.