By the time I post this, it will probibly be tomorrow already so I'll say that this post is about yesterday.

I watched Bruce Almighty today. It's that new Jim Carry movie where he is given the powers of God to learn one of life's most important lesson.

What was the lesson?

Well, for starters, God isn't going to help you clean up your mess. You're going to have to do that yourself. He can't just make a person forget or forgive or anything! He gave us free will to do as we please, and as a rule, He won't mess with it. He can only point us in the right direction. And don't think that any of your mistakes and messes are too big for you to fix. "No matter how dirty it can get, you can always clean it up."

The most important lesson that anyone could learn is that there are things in life that we have that we take for granted. Everyone wants something to make their life better. They want to be rich or famous, taller, thiner, good looking, the man of their dreams. You have to ask yourself, though, one thing. Do you really know what you want? Will those things make your life any better if you were to have them? Are you that blind to what you have going for you to where you can't even feel fortunate to have it? We all want miracles to happen in our lives when we can't even see some of the ones that have already been given to us. "Parting tomato soup isn't a miracle; it's a magic trick. A single mother holding two jobs and still has time to take her daughter to soccer practice is a miracle. A teenager that says 'no' to drugs and 'yes' to an education is a miracle." We all want something more to make our lives perfect when they are just fine the way they are. What we want to have is nothing compared to what we have going for us.

I hate to say this, but I think this movie was a life changing event for me. After I left, I began to rethink my life silently to myself. Did I really have it as bad as I thought I had? No, in some cases I had it better than most. I may not have people that show love to me the way I would like it to be shown, but at least they love me. I may not have anyone to cuddle up and sleep with at night like I would like to, but at least I have a bed. I may not be as good looking or fashionable as I could be, but at least I have clean clothes. I may not have a job or much money to enjoy the fruits of life, but at least I can still enjoy what little entertainment I can get as if it were my last and get everything out of it. I may not have what I want to buy, but I have alot more than most have. I may not eat as well or as healthy as I could be, but at least I have food. So I'm not really as bad off as I thought. My life, in some ways, is okay just the way it is.

So why is it that I want to be with James and Dan and Russ and everyone else that I have been talking to? Is it because I think it will make my life better?

The real question is do I really know what it is I want?

I am forever in debt to Russ. Forever!!

Today, he talked to Dan and Josh about everything. According to him, it was a long talk. A very long talk. Almost to he point where he got pissed at them. He did make his point known and got me off the hook. Josh's reaction? He said that Russ would make a great lawyer. He liked the idea and is going to go into law. I asked Russ when I found out why he did that. I mean, I have royally pissed him off on several occations. He said he didn't like to see people suffer. If there was any doubt that Russ wasn't a good person, there wasn't any after this. I am forever in his debt. I didn't deserve that from him. I don't think I can properly thank him ever in a million lifetimes.

I talked to my parents again about trying to get out. They told me the same thing. They said that they would think about it. That's three weeks in a row. I'm sick of it. I'm ready to do something that needs to be done. If their tune is the same next week, I'm leaving with only a backpack of choice items and the clothes on my back.

Lastly, look what I found. You can order it here.

I've said to so many times on here, I doubt anyone would take this blog seriously.

This is it. Last night, it finally happened. After frustrating them to no end, it finally happen. They all got fed up with me. Every last one. My belief and my drive to do things respectfully and puting me second thinking that was the way to go was nothing more than the bullet to the head that I deserve to have shot. I couldn't fight whatever they pulled out against me. I couldn't even debate the facts. I couldn't defend myself because I, frankly, don't know how to. I'm so different that I'm in a league of my own. Something I thought was a good thing at one point in time.

The following is probibly the last time I'll ever even get to talk to Dan. The reason I'm sharing this with you is because I feel this explains better than anything I can type. At least without ranting that is.

Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 07:42:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: Zeek Slider
Subject: Last Ditch by the Bitch
To: Dan

I don't know where to begin with this, so I'll just start with my current state. I can't sleep. My heart races. I feel a loneliness I can't phathom let alone deal with. I don't know why I'm typing this. I doubt it will even get through. It just feels like I need to do this.

Everyone says that maybe deep down inside I wanted this to happen, and maybe I did. Maybe I had some weird idea that if this would happen that I would be better off and you would be the one that hurts to the point of hunting me down. Don't think that can't happen. Maybe I had some stupid fantasy that I would come out on top of everything no matter what happened with this. Maybe I'm just dillusional. Either case, I'm not sure myself. My mind keeps going back and forth about this. My heart says I did the right thing, but it says it with so much pain.

Am I truely in a league of my own? I thought being unique was a good thing. Is being too unique just as bad as being a dime a dozen?

I really wish I could afford consoling. I wish I knew this town better to find community centers that did this kind of stuff for free. I wish for alot of things I know I'll never get. I'll never stop dreaming, though.

I don't know what it is, really, but there are parts of me that feel like I screwed myself over again. Other parts are saying I was set up. And even more so, there is a worry and care for James that just eats away at my soul. I know he'll be alright, but is he really?

I've never felt so messed up in my life.

To sacrifice your own wants and needs and things that would make you happy, I thought, for the happiness of others in the name of respect was like being a marter in its own right. I always thought that puting myself second was a good thing because that made me care about other people and respect the ones I love. I always thought that it showed that I cared about them more than I care about myself. I guess that is my greatest weakness and not a strength like I thought.

I'm not expecting much of anything to come out of this e-mail. Like you said, all of you. You're done with me. Last night was it. I'll never hear from you again. I'll never see Dan again. I'll never even IM you guys ever again. You've had it with me. I've drove you to the brink of your frustrations and pushed you over that cliff. I can't blame you for what you are doing.

You told me that you wish things would work out for me. Wishing that won't work. I need a prayer.

I just joined a new site that apparently is good for everyone. Superdudes is dedicated to the idea that everyone is a superhero, they just don't know it yet. Look me up if you want to see what I look like and what my superhero stats are. They are kind of pathetic really.

I have really got to stop using KaZaA for porn downloads. Not only is it starting to get old, but I can't find anything worth viewing! If only there was a gay porn store I could go to here.

This bites. The more i think about what it is that I want to do, the more I think no one will take me seriously! What's the deal with all these second thoughts? Why can't I do something right for a change? On top of that, why can't I do anything for me? I guess the only thing I can do now is go for it. What do I have to lose?

....everything....

No, I'm not dead. At least not yet.

First off, I can't tell you what I've been doing for the past week and a half. Why? Because I just can't! Deal with it.

Second, I've been under alot of ups and downs. More so than I really should be going through. They are the kind of ups and downs that I can't really put into words. It would be too much trouble to tell you how I felt so alive that I could do anything and then the sudden pain of realizing I can't. On top of that, I bet you are getting sick of reading of the same kind of shit every time I blog about something. Looking back, some of this stuff is rather... well, pathetic. I should be blogging something more worthwhile. You know, something like I finally got to do something I've been looking forward to doing. Not any of this boring shit.

Third, I found the Disney version of Ultimate Ride, if anyone cares. I hope to get the Coaster Deluxe version soon... maybe...

Finally, I just want to say this. I'm about to do something insane. No, I'm not going to kill myself, but I am going to do something rather radical. I just hope I can pull it off.

These past few days must have been "Mistakes Day" because I've made a major one.

You know how in the old game called Telephone where the phrase is more-often-than-not messed up by the time it gets to the last person? Well, I was told some information the other night that apparently got twisted. I then took it as a fact instead of going to the horse's mouth. That only made me a bad person not worth the time of day anymore. Again, another event in my life that words can't describe. The best I can say is that I feel like shit because of it.

Today, I just stayed in bed as long as I could. I really didn't want to face the day and all it's disappointments. That's when my sister asked if I wanted to tag along with her to OpryMills. I figured some shopping would make me feel good. I looked for Ultimate Ride as hard as I could. Found nothing. Frustrated and even more depressed than I was when I woke up, I dropped $5 into DDR.

Well, at least I still have $45 left in case I ever FIND a store that has the damn game I want.

Last night I learned some things about James that I didn't like. Some ugly truths that I wish I knew before hand. Things that made him so ugly that I no long saw him as a muscle hunk but as a sick person. No real words can discribe what I'm feeling or how disgusted I am.

Now I owe Russ a major apology. I made the worst mistake of my life.

Okay, I guess I learned my lesson today.

After finding out about Ultimate Ride Coaster Deluxe, I went on a little quest to buy it if I could. There were two versions that are worth getting apparently. The Deluxe version and the Disney version. Hey, the game is done by Disney Interactive. It was a matter of time before they did that, right? Anyway, unable to find it at any of the stores despite Best Buy saying that they had it on their website, I decided to just download the game from Kazaa. I found a self-extracting EXE file. It held the install info from the CD of the original game. I installed it and ran the game. I spent about an hour or four making up a coaster that I ended up deleting because I didn't like it. In an attempt to get some cool coasters, I joined the community at the Ultimate Ride website. Of course, by the time I was able to download some of the coasters, I had long deleted both the installed files and the self-extracting EXE file. Why? Because it was buggy. It was doing things that the program shouldn't do according to the FAQ on the website. I really wish I could have just found either or both of the games I'm looking for. Hey, I'd only be out $40, and I have $50 in my wallet. Another lesson learned the hard way.

The lesson? Don't download software from Kazaa you can buy somewhere else. Sometimes paying for something is worth more than getting it for free.