Christmas Rant

I haven't had a reflective rant in a while, so I might as well let my conciousness flow and see what happens.

For starters, with my sister home, my social inatiquacies are brought more and more into the foreground. Being a dreamer and an imagineer (for lack of a better description), I don't think that I'm very much compatible with the social world. In fact, it's hard enough trying to get it into my head that I'm not selling my soul every time I look for a job when I feel like I am. The lines are clearly marked and run deep as to who is the better of the two of us. While I sit in bed with my eyes closed trying to escape a reality I hate and cannot conform or shape, my sister is becoming what she calls a local celebrity.

I don't know why I can't continue dreaming. Compromise doesn't seem to be much of an option. It's probably why I feel the way I do when the idea of looking for a job hits the forehead of my gray matter. I have yet to see any kind of proof where I dreamer can work in a capitalistic world and still do what they do best. Well, outside of Walt Disney, but even his biography borders on the fantastic more than non-fiction.

And people wonder why nutcases like me spend countless hours on the computer playing games. It isn't because we are lazy; it's because we can't deal with reality.

In the video games, I can actually enjoy the effort it takes to get from one point to another. Hell, in the online games that run on a capitalistic idea, I don't mind doing what is considered work for the money you need. It could be in the form of playing a game, but at least it is enjoyable and I don't have to deal with people that will ultimately make me want to rip their heads off. Well, most of the time. Oh, how I wish life was like a video game, but alas, I have better sense. Life is not a video game, and if it is, you only get one life and there are no save points.

I don't know, maybe I'm being selfish. But then again, how can I be selfish when this past few weeks with little to no thought I bought so many Christmas gifts almost impulsively without thinking about price. I mean, my sister's gift alone costed me $100. When you total up the other gifts I bought for the rest of the family, I spent a total of $200 on just four people. I could have been very cheap on the matter and double up on gifts for my parents or even pay for half like what I did last year. But no, I actually spent money knowing full well that I didn't have enough to begin with. Even my sister said that my gifts blow the ones she got out of the water! At least the ones I told her about. Maybe I'm looking for credit where credit isn't due. After all, I don't like how this holiday brings out the worst in people while bringing out the best in others. So who's to say that my gifts are not selfish?

Oh, what I wouldn't give to just be an artist and nothing but with the ability to create and learn how to create the things I want.

I want to say that it's been four years or more since I last talked to the boys, but I'm no longer sure. The emotions are still there event though the events are getting foggy. And even now, I'm not even sure they were ever real to begin with. For all I know, my naiveity took over and want to make them real. But if they weren't, what did I put so much emotion into? A fantasy? Some kind of sick joke? I'm not bitter so much as I am more careful these days. Just in need of closure that I know I won't get. It's probably why I'm so hesitant now to move on so many of my crushes, why I'm afraid to love. I don't want the same thing to happen again. I don't want to think that there is something there when there may not be anything at all.

Why am I bringing this up again? Of the people that I've talked about this to, the few that I trust to actually drop their real name, everyone has said that they were jerks. Even I know they were jerks towards me. Completely heartless, self-absorbed, egotistical, sheltered, perverted, sex-hungry, ignorant, incestual, foul-mouthed bunch of dicks up a son of a bitch's ass if I wanted to be nice with the insults. Yet the emotion is still there wanting to die and move on. I guess I'm attracted to pretty people that will treat me like shit. Presuming they are real, of course.

I think I just answered why it is so hard for me to act on my crushes. So why is it still a mystery to me?

Since the end of the semester, I've been wanting someone in my bed. Not for sex, but someone to cuddle with. The shallow side of me wants someone beautiful and with a very nice body. The deeper side of me wants someone that is accepting to the fact that I argue about stupid things, have insecurities out the ying-yang, and is overall just a big baby in the body of a 22-year-old college student. I have yet to have a dream about this person, but I know my comfort pillows have lost all their fluff as a result of me constantly waking up in the morning hugging them.

Okay, now I'm getting into trivial stuff.

I don't feel like spell checking. Half of the words I would need a spell check to would just come back as not being found in the dictionary anyway.

I just realized something.

I didn't claim my T-Square from the school when I was cleaning out my studio space. Oh well, I could never get a decent right-angle from it anyway.

Christian Christmas and Heathen Holidays

Something has been bothering me about this holiday season for a while now, and I feel the need to address the issue... again.

Recently, I posted another entry explaining my distaste for how ignorant some people are about the history of Christmas as a major holiday. To be perfectly honest, I don't care anymore if a person believes whatever they want to believe about the holiday.

I'm just getting sick and tired of people saying that some group of people somewhere are pushing religion out of Christmas because Wal-Mart decided to greet people by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." I'm also not buying into the claim that people are calling Christmas Trees "Holiday Trees."

You have no idea how much this pisses me off. For nearly 11 months out of the year with probably only a weekend to give thanks for being alive, someone somewhere is hating someone else. There is always some group, religious or cultural, that is offended by some other group for some stupid reason. And the only escape used to be this time of year. At least in this country.

But now? No. Every time I turn on the local radio to listen to Christmas music, I hear some religious Public Service Announcement saying that they should boycott this store because they are doing this to take Christ out of Christmas. I know it's a minority, but do you think the people that celebrate Kwanza are this bitchy about the holiday season? Hell, none of the Jewish people are upset about this whole "Christ out of Christmas" crap so far as I have heard!

If I could be a holiday special, my Christmas wish would be for everyone to just get off their high horse and celebrate the season for what it is. A time where people can for one month out of the year can get along with everyone even if they fucking hate their guts because they did something stupid like ran over their puppy. I just want the Christians that celebrate Christmas being about Christ's birth to do that. I want the people that think Christmas is about Santa and presents to do that. I wan the people that celebrate Kwanza to do that. I want people that don't have anything to give or get on Christmas to not feel like complete losers. In other words, I just want people to leave everyone else well enough alone and stop trying to make people celebrate the holiday they way they thing the other people should celebrate it.

I guess that's just asking too much, however, so I guess I'll just stick to asking for a Digital SLR Camera. People are never going to leave others alone when they are offended by something as stupid as how they practice Christmas. It's just human nature to try to conform everyone to their way of thinking an nobody else's. Very few people are as open minded as they claim they are.

Myself? I just have the curiosity of a cat but the attention span of a small rodent.

Talkative or Something More?

Tonight, I had to do a presentation as part of my final for 20^th Century Art History. Tonight, I found out that I talk to much.

Now I don't want to cause some kind of social stir or create another sign of what to look for in a socially inept person, but I do have a strange sense of logic as to why.

I don't talk much as it is already. I'm talkative, yes, but not very socialible. And if my sister is in the same room with me? Forget trying to get a word in, because I'm not going to be able to.

When I do talk, I seem to ramble on about things that are not important. I try to keep the conversation going. In short, I can't shut the hell up. I've been told this various times by people that obviously got annoyed with me talking. I can see it in their faces and how their body language is. It makes me uncomfortable, so I shut up as a favor to them.

But I want to talk. I want to be heard. I want to feel like my voice is actually being listened to, yet I always seem to end up chewing off an ear and a half when I get the chance.

I don't know why I think this, but I believe this is a sign of some kind of social repression. Then again, knowing how I think, everything is some kind of repression.

Maybe I'm bipolar and don't know it.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Review

In the words of my sister, "that was a rough movie." And to be perfectly honest, it is. But what a ride!

For those of you that haven't been keeping up with the franchise, The Goblet of Fire is the fourth movie out of seven in the series. The cast that we have all come to love and grow up with have matured to the point where they would be considered to be in their high school years. Year Four at Hogwarts is celebrated by the announcement that the school of Potter will be host to the Triwizard Tournament. However, something fowl is afoot. And this part of the story marks the start of the real story arch, the part that most of us have been waiting for.

The main cast of characters are definitely showing development in their acting skills. Harry finally comes off as the awkward teenager he is suppose to be. At this point in his character development, he feels comfortable in his magical abilities, but still very much out of place. Ron finally gets a little more rounded out, as a jealous streak you can drive a truck on appears in his character. He still plays the bumbling fool, however, which he apparently has perfected. Hermione is still the brains of the trio, but that role has been played down by a thousand fold. I don't know how to word this exactly, but let's just say she is becoming quite the fine female lead.

The story, from my understanding, has been trimmed down to just the events involving the tournament and the return of Lord Voldemort. This is a good thing, as it helps set a nice and steady pace for the story. The nearly three-hour time of this movie seems to go by unnoticed. Several alterations have been made as well, mostly in the form of cutting out and replacing characters at key points in the story.

There are three scenes to look out for. The first involves Harry's battle with a dragon. The special effects department has had some practice with this between the last movie and this one in the form of a fictional documentary for the Animal Planet channel, and the hard work in that program shows in this perfectly executed realization of the famous mythical beast of the sky. Definitely a not-to-be-missed seen. The second is the Yule Ball, which plays out kind of like the cast's first prom. The reason to keep an eye out for this scene is the fashion, particularly on the guys end when they display their formal wizards robe. Except for the one Ron has on, I, like most fashion conscious men, probably would want to invest in one or something similar for your next formal outing. The last scene to keep an eye out for is the return of Lord Voldemort. Without spoiling too much, let's just say that when this scene ends, you will not be looking at this franchise the same way again. With this single scene, the entire mood of the story changes in a way very few films have been able to achieve.

Surprisingly, for a fantasy-based film, the special effects are not all that important. They are there, and some of the scenes they are used in are nice to look at. But generally, they are the kind of special effects fans of the franchise and of fantasy films in general have come to expect. The only effect that impressed me was a wizard's duel late in the film where the two beams of spell meet in a clash causing what appeared to be molten metal to spew from the impact area the longer the spells fought with each other.

The music for the film wasn't as magical, and at times unnoticed. If I had to guess, it probably had something to do with the fact John Williams isn't in charge of the film's music anymore. A shame, too. With the Harry Potter theme being so recognizable, I was hoping for an iconic Lord Voldemort theme to make its debut, similar to the Empire's March in the Star Wars films. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

As far as the franchise goes, this is probably the best movie so far. For those that have no idea what the series is about and generally don't want to learn what happened the last three movies, the movie also does a pretty good job of supplying all the key elements and facts that are needed for the story to make sense. However, unless your children have read the book and are not traumatized by concepts like death and the practical embodiment of all things evil, parents may want to see the movie first before bringing the little ones.

It can only get better from here on out, people. We are done with the appetizer, and now we are going straight into the main course.

Celebrate Holiday Ignorance

It's the holiday seasons, and for some reason I'm not really enjoying it for one simple reason. And no, it isn't my family this time.

It's all religion's fault.

How did this come about, you may ask? Someone either was asking an innocent question or was being an idiot. Basically, Gaia Online is setting up for their yearly Christmas event. This year, we got to get a peak into Gaia's Santa's past. Apparently, when he was a little man, he was beaten up by the Easter Bunny for reasons unknown. Bunny's gang had several holiday icons in it, some global and some cultural. Well, after this went live, someone asked where Jesus was in this whole mess. Site veterans explained how religion doesn't belong on Gaia Online's holiday events, as the site is a global one and not all the users believe in God or in the religion of Christianity. Someone replied to this saying that the reason why we have Christmas and Easter is because of Jesus. The intellectuals then popped in and pointed out that the holidays were assimilated and appropriated over history. Well, enter the people that believe everything in The Bible is fact and absolute.

You can see where I'm going with this.

Why do the holidays have to be about religion? Don't get me wrong. I think it's all fine and dandy for you and your family to celebrate the holidays with whatever religion you are a part of. But why is it that some people feel like their religion is more important than others for one reason or another? I mean, these are the things that start wars. This is also the reason why nobody learns anything past "that's just how it's always been."

Very few people know anything about the history of their religion or their holidays. They know the why's of some of the major ones and maybe even some of the how's, but I seriously doubt many people know the history of how this holiday got this date on the calendar and why it's been that way for centuries on end. I'm not saying that nobody knows, because like I said earlier, there are people that know. I'm not one of them. I don't even know the history of my own family. Then again, nobody has bothered to even teach me let alone tell me short of a few anticdotes here and there.

As a matter of personal opinion, the holidays are no longer about what they were. Easter is no longer about the alignment of the stars and sun in the Spring, and is more about giving out pastel candies and dressing all cute. Even Jesus rising from the dead takes a back seat to the bunny and chickens that dominate the holiday. Halloween is no longer a day about the dead so much as it is about candy begging and dressing up. Come to think of it, I don't think I was ever told or read why All Hallows Eve was considered scary originally outside of that's when ghosts and spirits were allowed to come back to life for one night. Even that reasoning is hard for me to grasp as logical. The witch burnings made more sense to me than this.

And now for the subject of Christmas. What is this holiday really about now? Decorations? Gifts? Giving charity? Santa? Jesus? At this point, I personally don't know. A part of me actually just doesn't care. Humanity's mental safe haven of religion has screwed up everything about the season. Combine that with elements of capitalism, and you can see why the holidays are so special. It's probably the only time of year where we collectively as a society celebrate our own ignorance by quietly pushing our own beliefs on everyone through the Dradle song and the Silent Night carol to the point where we don't give a damn. Sure, some of us get offended by it, but as soon as someone gives us that shiny new XBox360, we immediately forget about it. Capitalism and materialism cancel out religious offenses in our country. Now that's real holiday magic.

Mystery Gifts

I have a puzzle on my hands right now that I know is impossible to solve unless there are more clues given.

For the second time this semester, have found a little toy in my student mail box in line of what I like. For example, the first toy I found was a Cruela de Vil wobbler from those Kellogg's promotions. It was in pretty good shape, too.

Today, I found a McDonald's Hello Kitty Happy Meal toy just sitting there nice and all innocent in my mail box. It was slightly beat up, with evidence that it's hit the ground more than a few times.

That's all I have to go on. The time frame between each was about two weeks, and there was no note or anything that would hint to someone leaving these behind as some kind of gift. I told this to one student, and she thought I may have a secret admirer. But who would leave beat up kid toys as a gift from a secret admirer?

Well, needless to say, this mystery may never be solved. I do like the attention I'm getting, however, but at the same time my curiosity is killing me as to who is doing this.

Oh well, the fun is in the mystery.

Nov. 13th, 2005 - The Entry With No Title

A myriad of thoughts have been flowing through my head as of late, mostly due to the fact that it is that time of the semester when teachers and students alike freak out due to a lack of time. Teacher freak out due to the fact that they may or may not have gone over the material they wanted to the semester; students freak out due to the fact that the big part of their grade is about to be due soon or they haven't studied for the final exam. Either way, my brain is overly active right now.

I should be doing my homework right now, but most of the stuff I actually care about is in the studios over at the school. Being unable to drive, I am pretty much out of luck in doing any kind of extra work short of finalizing an idea in my sketchbook. Even then, I can't really do much as far as producing the art I want to. Thankfully, I have a five hour break between classes, something I haven't been exploiting to its fullest. I guess you can pretty much safely assume what and where I'll be during that time slot.

There is one final that I'm not to keen about. I seriously do not like how World Civilization is going for me right now. I'm doing fine as far as my grades go. I just hate the material. For example, due after Thanksgiving is an essay comparing and contrasting two different writers on slavery in America. As important as I know this topic is to the past and ultimately our future, I'm getting tired of being forced to read and recite the same information over and over again since middle school. You would think that I would get more information about the topic being in college, but in reality, I'm not. The only things I'm getting more information about as far as subject matter goes are those that fall into my major. I can only assume that's how it works in most colleges. If not, then my teacher has obviously checked out of his class before it even started.

Speaking of people checking out, a new and somewhat unexpected crush came into being at the worst time possible. After pretty much taking my time snooping around, I found out that one of the cuter freshmen is gay. The thing is, he's very unapproachable provided he doesn't feel comfortable around people, which pretty much means everyone he doesn't know anything about. Makes it difficult for him to make friends, no? Well, what few friends he has have been trying to talk him out of the film department. See, in order to be successful in film, you need to be able to work well with others. It doesn't matter if you are in script writing, directing, or doing something as boring as being a grip. You still have to be a team player. This guy doesn't seem to have that in him. What is in him is a natural talent for the visual medium of the fine arts. Those that talk to him have been trying to get him to switch majors, but for some reason he doesn't believe he can do that. Ironically, it is this lack of socializing that made him have an emotional break down from what I gathered. He skipped the rest of the semester as a result of that.

It sucks for me, since the day he left was also the day I started to like him. I have some really bad luck, don't I?

We'll see what happens if he comes back next semester. Hopefully something exciting and worth sharing.

Mom's Computer Shelf Project

I spent the better part of the day constructing and hooking up a new computer shelf (it is technically a media shelf for things like radios and CD players). Right now, I'm just testing to see if everything works. Which, obviously, they do.

It's strange. This is the second time I can remember my mind just shutting off as I was doing some kind of work similar to an assembly line. The first time being when I was in Sculpture 1 back in the spring.

At first, when my mother brought this thing home, I was expecting to do all the technical parts of the project. You know, disconnect the computer, reconnected it, bitch, moan, and otherwise complain about how that piece of furniture wasn't needed because the old system worked fine.

And true to my nature, I did just that.

Eventually, after some procrastination on my dad's part, I ended up helping him start the assembly process. Then he left with my mom to go to church. A part of me wanted to just leave the project out of sheer spite for what was expected from me. Several hours earlier, my mother wanted me to take pictures of the lawn when she was more than capable herself. This while I was disconnecting everything on this machine. That added with the pent up anger of what a VMK buddy of mine calls "a simple request that invades your sense of independence" (like I have any) just made me wish she was dead.

But I didn't leave the cabinet there with only the drawer rails screwed into the interior of what was going to be bottom. I wanted to, but I couldn't. It was strange, but a part of me that I never knew about just took over and I started building this thing that holds the computer right now. Slowly at first, but then eventually everything became second nature.

I didn't care about what my mom said earlier. I didn't care that I was the only one putting the shelf together. I didn't even care about the fact that I have more important things to do with my time than build a shelf I didn't care anything about.

I just kept building it to the point where all that was left was to nail in some paper backing to the drawer part of the shelf's bottom. And that was the easy part, which I left to my dad. At that point, I was working for about two straight hours with no break. I needed a break.

After all was said and done, we found a problem with the drawer. It wouldn't close the right way, which meant something was wrong with either the alignment or the drawer itself. Turned out to be the drawer's guide rail on the interior of the cabinet portion. Damn holes were pre-drilled too high, so it made everything off centered. I ended up fixing it using super glue my mom keeps for her craft projects. Now I just hope the drawer doesn't fuck up some time between now and when Mom puts stuff in it.

Then, about half a hour before I started blogging this, I put everything back together as best as I could given the space requirements for each piece of equipment. I'm going to have to explain why I put the scanner on the top open shelf instead of on the shelf where the printer is, however. (It's so we can scan books when we need to without bending the binding some stupid way so we don't risk damaging the book.)

My mom jokingly asked what I wanted when she saw I had finished about 95% of her project. (She never does do her own work when it comes to these kind of things. She likes to get her hands dirty only with clean projects like floral arrangements and cleaning the house. She'd never touch a tool unless she has to.) I said nothing in reply. She kept squealing like some mother of a 4^th grader for about five minutes. I can only wonder how she is going to react when she sees the mess downstairs is pretty much cleaned up. Not to mention the fact that I did all that work putting the shelf back where she wanted it and how she wanted all the technology arranged. At least for the most part.

One thing still bothers me, however. How the hell did I end up with so many extra screws? I mean, I followed the directions to the letter! I should only end up with one extra shelf and four pairs of supporters for that shelf. But apparently I have an extra small screw and another set of longer screws that I used to join the walls of the drawer together.

Good Sign or Bad Sign?

This week so far has been really odd. I mean, just completely odd.

For starters, in my student mail box I got Halloween candy on Monday. While this isn't an odd thing in general, it was rather nice and rather unexpected. But that wasn't the only thing I found in my mail box.

The next day I found a Cruella De Vil wobbler in my mail box. I don't know who gave it to me, but someone obviously knows of me and knows what I like. I really appreciate that little random act for the fact that it gave me a smile that morning.

Today, one of the mothers in my Painting I class brought in left over Halloween candy she didn't want. I looked through it and found several batches of candy that I liked, so I said that I would take it off her hands if it didn't disappear by the end of class. The candy didn't, and as such, I took the candy.

Then my mom calls up and says she has time to have lunch with me before my next class. I told her I wanted to check out this Gay-Straight Alliance thing the school is putting together. Well, not directly, I just said "this thing" to describe it. She sounded disappointed, but I told her that it will probably end by 13:00 due to all the classes.

The thing is, I didn't really go. I found the room, I looked at it and all that good stuff, but I didn't bother staying. I just left. There was just something inside my head saying that my general purpose for wanting to go wouldn't be a good reason to attend GSA. Basically, I wanted to go because I wanted to meet other gay guys that attend the school. I realized at the last second that this method does not and probably will not work for me. Furthermore, for someone that has said that he has given up the whole dating game scene, to go to GSA for that reason alone would just show how much of a habitual liar I am, if not how much of an ass I am. And if not those two, the how much I am in need to get laid.

Besides, I'm not so much an activist as I am a bitcher.

So, here I am. I have a student mail box full of candy, a Disney villain wobbler among my collection of various toys, and surprisingly no class tomorrow due to a sudden loss of my teacher's family friend. And it's only been two days into the month!

You can tell it's finals season, can't you?