A Lazy Bitch's Rant

Well, despite my best efforts swearing to myself that I was going to be productive this afternoon, I failed. I cannot seem to get myself to cancel what is now known as my "Bum Day" of the week.

I sat around thinking of things to do to keep myself occupied without falling asleep. Everything that I thought up was hard to complete. Movie watching, video game playing, anything that was once remotely fun.

The only real thing I got out of today was the feeling that something is off. You know, that feeling you get when everything seems to be okay, but you know somewhere in the world something is happening that will affect you eventually. At first, I thought it had something to do with my past. I had this bad feeling that it was going to catch up with me again like last time. It sort of did. I caught a glimpse of Andrew on TV channel surfing. That's not the thing that has been nagging at me all day.

See, I found out on MouseInfo that the draft may be put back into effect. Now, remembering my first essay I wrote for English about gays in the military, I came to the conclusion that I am pretty much immune to this. All I have to do is plead gay. Then again, even straight guys that do not want to fight and die (Everyone has a fear of death these days. Myself included.) would claim gay too. That would require some kind of confirmation of some kind. What? Would they like me to fuck in front of them or something? I don't know how they are going to handle that part, but I know that Bush isn't going to take down the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy any time soon. Republicans are always anti-gay.

So why are they bringing in the draft? Well, they are running low on troops! Why are they running low on troops? Well, for starters they are all dying left and right all over Iraq! Another thing is because they keep kicking out all the gay soldiers that out themselves. If they would just keep the gay soldiers, this wouldn't have been brought to my attention!

The government is so stupid. Sometimes I am convinced that the country would run better if the average Joe was put into office instead of someone that bought their way in.

So I am up again, late. The first time since I came home that one time after I left my sister's debutante ball. It doesn't feel as odd as it did back them, but at the same time I am at a loss as to what to do with this moment of freedom. I really do no want to do any work. I rather do something fun. I suppose I could do a porn run or something on KaZaA, but at the same time, I know nothing good is on there most of the time.

I keep resorting to this one fantasy late at night right before I go to sleep, or even before I masturbate. I always dream up this really hot guy is in my bed just waiting for me to get under the blanket. Someone with Coffey's built, Leo's taste in guys, and a voice that would make women swoon and melt into a pile of goo. He would always be waiting for me to come to bed just so he can be with me after work. He would get on my case about how I didn't do this and that, but only because he likes teasing me. He takes care of me too. I dream up how he and I are living together. He is supporting the both of us as some kind of big shot model or something that pays good money. I don't mean living-off-of-the-interest kind of good money, but enough to get to the well-to-do status quo. Upper Middle Class/Lower Upper Class. I would fantasize that he wants nothing more than to just take care of me and try to make all the hurt of my past go away. He would hold me at night and cuddle and maybe even play around a little until I fell asleep.

He was never real to begin with, but being the little Imagineer that I am, I made him real... at least for the night.

I don't know why I even resort to that detailed of a fantasy these days. I used to be so easy to please. Hell, I was a slut! Okay, maybe not really, but I sure acted like I was. Still, it used to be that almost anything was enough to please me. Now, it looks like that I am ready to try and find something that I want. I mean seriously want. Too bad I know that I will never get it. I lost that chance.

HOME

Yes, I made the choice. For Papa, I will stay.
But I don't deserve to lose my freedom in this way, you monster!
If you think that what you've done is right, well, then...
You're a fool! Think again!

Is this home? Is this where I should learn to be happy?
Never dreamed that a home could be dark and cold...
I was told ev'ry day in my childhood, even when you grow old:
"Home should be where the heart is." Never were words so true!
My heart's far, far away. Home is, too.

What I'd give to return to the life that I knew lately!
And to think I complained of a dull, provincial town!

Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever?
Shut away from the world until who knows when!
Oh, but then, as my life has been altered once, it can change again.
Build higher walls around me! Change ev'ry lock and key!
Nothing lasts. Nothing holds all of me.
My heart's far, far away, home and free!

This song makes me want to cry. I do not feel like I am home at home.

I really shouldn't...

I am trying to fight the urge to fall asleep right now, but at the same time I do not want to cancel my bum day. I need the rest.

Talk about being conflicted, huh?

But it felt so good!

Yesterday after I blogged about the day (sort of), I made the mistake of taking a nap. Apparently I lost more sleep than I originally thought, because I did not get up until close to 14:30. The good news is that I did not miss my new favorite show It's All Relative.

Still, this morning, I'm feeling as though my day was very unproductive. I really need to make that up today... and over the weekend.

So Very Quiet

Today, I was hoping to get a lot of painting out of the way. Unfortunately, I was interrupted twice. The first time was when I found out that the schools new foundry was going to get its first pouring done today. I waited what must have been thirty minutes before I finally decided to go back to my painting. The second interruption was more important. My sister and my mother came looking for me (via Ken) because my sister was ill. They were going home earlier than usual today, so they decided to save gas and pick me up as well.

The ride home was so quiet. No radio. No conversation. Not even a rustling of a snack bag. The only thing that broke the silence was the turning on of the turn signal. Kind of like now how the only sound being made is the sound of me typing.

It's a little bit funny, This feeling inside...

Just a brief blog before I go back to my work that I really need to complete before the week is done.

I noticed that Jason Driskyle (Like I know how to spell his last name off the top of my head.) had a painting in the student gallery that was really good. It was of a drawer full of stamps that are in various colors as if they were used repeatedly. It was really nice and won an award for it too.

Anyway, during Creativity, I congratulated him on his work. I noticed that the words kept fumbling out. For some reason, I kept having a hard time talking. Looking at him didn't help me out any. After I said what I wanted to say, I turned back and returned to my seat with a feeling of embarrassment strong in hand.

How could this be happening? And why with Jason?! He's eight years older than me!! But he doesn't look a day over nineteen!! But he isn't my type!

Okay, maybe I'm getting too ahead of myself. Let's just see how all the other encounters with him turn out and then go from there, shall we?

Just Like High School

I don't want to go to any of my classes today. I rather stay home and work on my other projects than sit in 2D for three hours, and then in Art History for another three hours struggling to stay awake. English is the only safe haven I have in between my classes where I do not have to worry about my projects.

You know, I don't ever remembering any of my other fine arts classes, even if they were just high school ones, being as demanding as my classes now.

I guess this is what they call a "College Freshmen Burn Out."

Incomplete

Due to the lack of creative drive because of the fact that the projects are all forced, I have not completed any of my studio assignments as well as the visual portion of Creativity today as was intended.

God, I suck. Why did I have to be so... avoidance? I was never like this before.

Left in the Cold

I checked my mail again to find out that Yahoo! e-mailed me about matches on my personal ad. I forgot I even had one. I looked through all the matches and found nothing that was even possible as far as a meeting goes. Besides, I can't respond to any of them anyways since I'm a free account member. You have to pay in order to get the full benefit of the program.

I talked to Brian on IMs. Turns out that there is some kind of spark between him and a crush of his. He's starting to get in shape again in hopes of winning his crush over. I'm so jealous of him for several reasons. First off, he has the motivation to chase something that may end up being nothing more than... well, nothing in the end. Second, he has the courage to do so!

Look at me. Not only do I not have the balls to go after my crushes, but I know what will happen if I do! I know for a fact that I'll end up being disappointed with what I found. I'll end up getting too attached to the person to the point of being parasitic. I'll end up being so dependent on the person that it wouldn't be funny! I'll be another emotional mess!

This coming from a person that never had a real romantic relationship.

I guess then what I just said should be thrown to the way-side because I obviously have no clue what I am talking about.

I'm just not feeling it today.

I was feeling very sloth-like this morning and went to sleep after I had breakfast. I woke up at noon.

Well, it has been two hours, and I'm starting to not feel like drawing. In fact, if I never draw again right now, I wouldn't mind. All of my drawing assignments feel forced. My 2D assignment, my Drawing 1 journal, creating visual aids for my Creativity project. All of them just feel so forced. It is starting to sap the enjoyment of drawing away...

...and that scares me.

All Vices and No Virtue

So today I decided to take things slower than yesterday and just concentrate on one thing. What is the hardest thing to do right now on my list? Why Art History of course!

Since I'm Catholic, I know nothing about Christian Virtues or Vices. I decided to just go and look up what I could from the book. Well, the Art History book gave me about three lines on the subject. I knew that wouldn't cut it even if I sharpen it with a laser.

So, it was off to the internet I go looking for anything on the subject. I found more on the vices than I did on the virtues. See, I'm not looking for quotes from the Bible or verbal explanation as to what I am to do in order to get into Heaven (or Hell). What I am looking for is how they are each represented in art as far as their iconography goes.

The only site that helped me out was this one. I have to applaud the webmaster. He has a good sense of humor about the seven deadly sins.

So much for getting the hardest thing to do out of the way.