You don't know what kind of power you have over me, Paul. I fear you. I love you. I don't want to think about you, but yet I do. Seeing your picture gives me great joy and great pain all at the same time. I know it can never happen, but I want it to. I know I'm not good enough for you, but I want to be.

If I could say that to his face, I would. Sadly, he has less than 17 days left. I have less than 16.

Damn you college.

I took a walk with my wooden sword just awhile ago. "Once around the neighborhood, just to feel out its weight and get used to it," I kept saying to myself. I tried to get my mind off of things, but I just couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about Paul, about my life, about how I am around people, about how pathetic I am. I wanted a distraction. I wanted someone to come up to me and start talking to me soully because I was holding a freaking wooden sword! The only distraction I got was from the sword itself. My sweat as well as any other moisture that touches the wood ends up warping it a bit. Not really noticable at first. I'm just glad there wasn't any damage.

I think Josh is a metrosexual.

I think Paul won't like me now because of all my new found problems.

I still think my sister is better than me in every way, shape, and form.

I really need someone to talk to.

I need a best friend...

Okay, ultimate dork moment.

I saw Michael's best friend, Josh. Now I know what Paul meant. He's really cool, really fun, and just a great guy. And this only after 2 minutes!

What's wrong with me and wanting to meet as many people as I can?? This isn't right. This isn't the way to go about things. This isn't the way to live. I can't want to be friends with people that are already friends with people that I don't even know! I can't be friends with people like that! Why do I still think I can? Why am I foolishly thinking that I can be friends with anyone I fancy?! Why do I feel like I can do anything when I know I can't?

As I was trying to get all that off my mind, I asked Michael to do me a favor. I gave him the drawing I did recently and asked him to give it to Paul. Josh liked the drawing. He said it was sweet. Michael liked it as well, because I heard a yeah afterwards.

I hope Paul likes it... my apology gift to him.

Shit, and once again I see how fickle I can be, as well as how easily defeated I am.

What do I mean?

I just read this. I know, I know, I'm being stupid. Still, there's a list there of what he likes and what I am not.

Am I beating myself over the head with a stick again or what?

I'm starting to feel like a dork right now. I mean, really, what am I trying to do here with Paul?! My e-mail, the asking about him. I know I don't stand a chance. Never did! So why am I so fluttered by the meantioning of his name or even just looking at his picture? What is the big deal??

What is wrong with me? Don't tell me I'm starting up again. Please don't tell me that this stupid lust for him is being revived from the dead. Please, please tell me that isn't what is happening.

I really need to met someone new.

Hey Paul,

I need to apologize to you once again. This time it's a biggie.

I'm not sure if you aware or not, but I was talked into avoiding you. It made sense to me at the time because of how much of a dork I made myself in front of you.

The sad fact is that I can't stop thinking about you. It's hard not to. I know, I know, I'm not really in love with you, but you are still cool. I'm not just saying that. You are. The way I treated you wasn't right, the way I just dropped you cold like I did.

Can you forgive me?

I doubt you will since you barely know me and all that, but I thought I'd just try if for nothing else to make me feel better.

Hope to hear from you soon... oh, and Sunday, if you come by the house with Michael, I look forward to seeing you. I have a gift for you if you want it. Just something I felt would be the proper way to apologize to you for being a jerk.

I hope we can still be friends.

That was the e-mail I wrote to Paul just awhile ago. I probibly made another mistake, but for now, I don't want to think about it.

It's like what someone once told me, "Live for the moment and never for the future."

I worked on my drawing this morning.... all morning.... I just finished it just awhile ago.

I think I have Paul on the brain. I don't really want to admit it to anyone in person, but I think I do. For some reason, this drawing came out looking like him. Well, kind of. I don't know why that is. Maybe I did that subconciously? I mean, I literally don't think when I draw. I just let my emotions go.

I showed my sister and wanted to tell her if she can give this to Paul when she goes to that youth thing with her boyfriend since Paul is going to for the ride. I didn't. It's not that I'm scared... okay, it is because I'm scared, but it's also because my sister just woke up when I showed it to her and she's grumpy in when you desturb her.

I was dragged to watch SeaBiscuit with my sister, my mom, and, of course, Michael (my sister's boyfriend).

The reviewer said that this movie would make us cry. Yeah right. October Sky made me cry. Moulin Rouge made me cry. This didn't even get me choked up. I endured the movie only because I had made a deal with my mom in that if I see this movie, which I don't want so see, that she go and watches Pirates with me, which she doesn't want to see. Fair enough, right?

We had dinner out. While we were eating, all the while I felt odd. I felt like something was missing. Then it hit me. I was starting to miss Paul. Michael's presense just brought back that memory. I didn't feel uncofortable with it, but at the same time I felt sad. I don't know why.

When we got home, I opted to draw instead of starting my sword play routine to work up my arms. I kept thinking about Paul. I saw this scenario where we would meet in some odd way and I was drawing. He would ask to look at it. I would agree with a smile saying that since I read some of his poetry, I guess I should return the favor.

I don't know if he'd like my stuff though. I'm not sure he'd like me given what I did to him with how I dropped him like a hot potato.

I came up with a new nickname while I was day dreaming. Zeek "The Blackheart" Slider. Too piratey, but still would make an interesting character.

I started and finished my little art project with realive ease even though I didn't have a clue what I was doing. The pendent looks better now that it is finally on something. I put it around my neck to see how it looked. It didn't really look all that bad, really. I wouldn't wear it in public though. It's not that I don't like it or anything. It's just that it's too big for my liking as far as an actual necklace goes.

I'm still taking it wherever I go though when I leave the house.

What's this?? There's a new breed of men out there now?!