Client, Boss, or Friend?

There's a problem with making friends in the work place. It's when they become your boss. Most places try to nip this in the bud with something called a fraternization policy. But they don't outright say that you cannot be friends with your boss. For example, the one I'm under says I cannot date or share a room with my bosses, but they are not oppose to off-the-clock hang out time as long as it doesn't effect job performance or the work environment.

My most recent design client is trying to become my boss in the work environment where we became friends. While a lot of people believe that I would make a good manager, the idea of answering directly to a guy that looks way too much like the people who are responsible for those dark days of my traumatic teen years is something that I rather avoid. Once he moves on to a better position, then maybe. It all depends on who takes his place.

And I do have friends who are my bosses, but when they put on that suit, there is a instant barrier that I construct due to rank. In other words, I may be friends with them, but I know where I fall on the food chain. Just because you can play nice with a T-rex doesn't mean they won't make you their lunch when the hunt comes around. Okay, bad choice of words, but you understand what I mean.

I think I'm being clingy again with who I think is the only person left that I can call friend. Well, the only person I can physically hang out with at least.

Be Careful What You Wish For

For a long time, I was half-joking about a scenario where the managers would have to suddenly close down the consession stand due to the fact that the crowd wouldn't let up and labor laws required us to have a break.

That happened today. Kind of.

When our afternoon rush ended, I found myself by myself in the consession stand trying to restock that entire thing. I did not know what was going on and was being told several things to do all at once. I grew more confused and with that confusion got more frustrated. Visibly so. After being told to do thirty different things at once, the last thing I was told was to help a customer.

I threw a tantrum of sorts, slamming the candy drawer I was counting knowing that I won't get a proper stock list done in time for the next rush because of said customer. Rightfully appauled by my actions, they complained to customer service.

I recieved a verbal warning. I defended my position saying what was going on, and I even went as far as to retell the bad history I have of being left alone in consession to fend for myself and then being blamed for mistakes made by the managers.

Eventually, everything got sorted out.

Unfortunately, I'm still kind of sick. The stress and anger is probably going to put my system into shock when I calm down to go to sleep. And I have to work tomorrow, as well.

The Empty Feeling is Back

I saw a familiar face just now. One I haven't seen in a long time. David.

He's grown up now. So mature. Sure, he may look young, but he's very much a man now.

The thing that is breaking my heart is if I really knew him. Was what I had a real and honest friendship or was it some sick game from another online player? Did I become a statistic or did I actually lose the best friend I have ever known?

A large part of me wants to believe I wasn't lied to. It wants to believe that naive point of view I had where I hung on every word I was told. That who I was talking to was really who I was talking to. That what I had going for me was a good thing and it fell apart because of this irrational rational thinking.

It's the part that hurts the most. The part that causes this empty feeling in the core of my very soul to come back. A feeling I honestly thought I wouldn't feel again. I haven't felt it in a long time. I thought I was okay. I thought I was over this. I thought I could move on.

I wanted to contact him the moment I saw his face on television, but that rational side of me knew better. Searching for e-mails and gambling on dumb luck won't bring back what I lost. It won't fix the pain I feel. It will only make things worse for me.

All I want now is the truth.

Friendship is Not Static Cling

My new client, friend, and semi-long-time co-worker is becoming someone I want to hang out with more often. While he is cool with me, I felt rather awkward today.

I have very few friends as it is, and that number is quickly dropping the more I commit myself to the life of a hermit who leaves the cave only when he needs to. As such, friendships become very important to me. But there comes a point where I even find myself being a bit too possessive of something like that. It's like I'm suffocating the one thing I want to live and grow because I don't know how to make that happen. I'm like the little kid that shakes the goldfish bag excitedly after buying it from the pet store not realizing (or listening to those that know better) that shaking the bag is actually bad for the goldfish. Actually, I'm starting to see it with my dog. I hug him so hard sometimes that he coughs and then struggles away. He gives me this look too after he's out of my arms like I'm crazy. But he's loyal and will always come back once he feels better.

But people are not like dogs. You smother them with too much affection, even if it is just friendly in nature, and they get weirded out. Do it enough and you'll only push them away. At the same time, if you don't do it enough, you'll come off like a cold-hearted bastard who doesn't give a damn about people.

It's a tight rope act I hate performing.

Quite New Year

Nothing exciting to report. I have a client from work who wants me to design a better logo for his band. He was looking for people who are not familiar with Death Metal music or even the music industry, and when he found out that I graduated from a design school, I became the perfect choice. I don't like doing logos and stuff, but at this point, I could use something to get into the creative mood.

Been meaning to get back to my fireworks. I got a new soundtrack to a fireworks show I'm dedicating to my mom, but haven't found a moment to get refamiliar with Roller Coaster Tycoon. Mostly because I'm trying to get the last 60+ Spore creations posted on my other blog.

Been meaning to also design a Watchmen button, but someone on CafePress beat me to it. I may join CafePress to sell smaller prints of my avatars. I doubt there is a market for it, but the fact that they offer 13" x 16" framed prints does make the rather attractive as a potential commercial outlet.

I had a dream the other night. I was working in a grocery store, but I didn't know what to do. I ended up walking away mumbling something about going back to the movie theatre job I knew. I think I've become a bit too comfortable in my current state. I need a shake up.