I feel like what I'm about to write I've heard before. Where? I'm not sure.
While working today, I ran across a high school... I guess you could call her an association since I never really was friends with her in retrospect. She's married now, and judging from her outfit, a very successful member of society now.
We didn't know each other as well as we could have. But the situation placed me into a very awkward position.
I don't have many friends.
I don't go out.
I'm hardly successful or able to dress like it.
I'm not seeing anyone or committed myself to seeing a single person.
In some sense, I haven't grown up since I was 16. At least mentally and socially. My wisdom, intellect, and even physical appearance may be age appropriate. But the rest of me isn't, however big a chunk that is.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Limited Edition Nerd
The one useful thing about getting spam from Amazon.com is that it reminds me that I still have several hundreds of dollars left to spend collecting my personal research material into popular entertainment that I fancy.
Though, this morning, it proved to be a harsh reminder of how consumerism works with fan boys and girls like myself that "need" to have everything. Box sets I bookmarked have been discontinued by the retail manufacturer, some DVD titles have just stopped being printed altogether, and those that have not have been added to my list because they are now the only way I can get them.
Yes, while the face value of what I have marked does seem like I'm just a nerd collecting detritus, the sad fact of the matter is that this is really research into what it is that makes me fawn over these creations. I could say one thing when you ask me that one day and another thing another day. The only way I can actually say what it is that makes me love what I watch so much is to spend an obsessive amount of time with them, risking the very thing that made me love them so much if I have to.
Anyway, the moral of the day is that you can't really wait out consumerism thanks in part to the concept of "limited editions." That's why I dropped $50 for a hardback comic book printed on high-quality sketch paper that I'll never open because it's shrink wrapped to protect it from damage while it was being shipped. That's also why I spent another $20 getting that same comic book only in paperback so that I can actually read it.
Though, this morning, it proved to be a harsh reminder of how consumerism works with fan boys and girls like myself that "need" to have everything. Box sets I bookmarked have been discontinued by the retail manufacturer, some DVD titles have just stopped being printed altogether, and those that have not have been added to my list because they are now the only way I can get them.
Yes, while the face value of what I have marked does seem like I'm just a nerd collecting detritus, the sad fact of the matter is that this is really research into what it is that makes me fawn over these creations. I could say one thing when you ask me that one day and another thing another day. The only way I can actually say what it is that makes me love what I watch so much is to spend an obsessive amount of time with them, risking the very thing that made me love them so much if I have to.
Anyway, the moral of the day is that you can't really wait out consumerism thanks in part to the concept of "limited editions." That's why I dropped $50 for a hardback comic book printed on high-quality sketch paper that I'll never open because it's shrink wrapped to protect it from damage while it was being shipped. That's also why I spent another $20 getting that same comic book only in paperback so that I can actually read it.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Things I should be doing instead of playing Spore
In no particular order...
1. Working on my thesis.
2. Depositing my check.
3. Sleeping.
4. Finish reading those two books I bought for my last thesis but never finished.
5. Keeping up my cartooning skills.
6. Contacting a friend I haven't talked to in a long time.
7. Taking care of Skippy (feeding, taking him for walks, playing with him, etc.)
8. Blogging.
9. Working on a RCT3 fireworks show I've started.
10. Cleaning/organizing my room.
1. Working on my thesis.
2. Depositing my check.
3. Sleeping.
4. Finish reading those two books I bought for my last thesis but never finished.
5. Keeping up my cartooning skills.
6. Contacting a friend I haven't talked to in a long time.
7. Taking care of Skippy (feeding, taking him for walks, playing with him, etc.)
8. Blogging.
9. Working on a RCT3 fireworks show I've started.
10. Cleaning/organizing my room.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
David
For the past several nights now, I've been having the same dream.
It starts out dark. I find myself woken up by some noise. I look around and find myself in an apartment. The noise is a door closing and a member of my family telling me to wake up. I look around and find a familiar place I've been to in my life. Barcelona, Venice, a random mountain cabin possibly in Oregon or Virginia. I get excited and suddenly remember that I am suppose to give a tour of the places I've been.
But as I lead the group around, I get lost. Buildings end up not looking the same as I remember them. The sky is a bright spring blue, the trees wearing their fall colors, but everyone we pass is in summer clothing. As I look up out of frustration, a series of clouds form the shape of a heart faster than they would in real life but slower than they do in cartoons. I remember a name.
And then I wake up.
It starts out dark. I find myself woken up by some noise. I look around and find myself in an apartment. The noise is a door closing and a member of my family telling me to wake up. I look around and find a familiar place I've been to in my life. Barcelona, Venice, a random mountain cabin possibly in Oregon or Virginia. I get excited and suddenly remember that I am suppose to give a tour of the places I've been.
But as I lead the group around, I get lost. Buildings end up not looking the same as I remember them. The sky is a bright spring blue, the trees wearing their fall colors, but everyone we pass is in summer clothing. As I look up out of frustration, a series of clouds form the shape of a heart faster than they would in real life but slower than they do in cartoons. I remember a name.
And then I wake up.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Social Evolutionary Design Intelligence
My sister has a date with her boyfriend.
My mom and dad just left for their own date.
My aunt went out with a friend for a "Girl's Night Out" thing, or rather as close as she can get given her Senior Citizen status.
And I'm at home with the dogs enduring the birds squawking due to boredom or hatred towards the music that I'm playing through an auxiliary cable I've attached between the computer and the Bose CD WavePlayer the family got my Dad for Father's Day adding yet another creature to my collection of aliens for the upcoming game Spore. (You can view my collection here.)
What's wrong with this picture? I don't even need an answer to that question because I already know what's wrong with this picture. I have no friends to hang out with. Not even once a week.
There's a lot of contributing factors to this, most of which have been addressed in one fashion or another several times on this blog to the point where the evolving excuses and logical reasonings really don't matter. Case and point: why I don't drive. I can list all the reasons, some very logical given things like how gas is now $4/gallon in the state and climbing. But in the end, it doesn't matter. People will still say I need to learn how to drive and will politely look down on me for the fact that I do not have that little card in my wallet that says I can drive anywhere I please. So why give a reason?
Out there is not my world. My world is constructed out of bits and bytes, zeros and ones, points of lights so tightly compressed next to each other that they are seen as one by the human eye. My world is Cyber Space, and it is here where I do all my socializing. It's a dangerous place, as anyone can tell you. Hell, I just watched a movie that subtly addresses that by showing humans talking to the person sitting right next to them via a video phone that is projected no farther away from their face than this monitor is from mine!! You would think I would have looked at that and said "What a second! That's me!" And I did.
Social ineptitude, shyness, and the list of reasons could go on and on. But none of them matter. After I finish this post, I'll continue to channel what little creative energy I have into designing another creature, inspired by an existing product or by intuition, instead of trying to figure out my thesis for round two. I haven't touched it since I moved out of the studio, even though it is both the first and last thing I think about during my daily routine.
There are some days where I know who I am but I just don't feel like that person. Today is one of those days.
My mom and dad just left for their own date.
My aunt went out with a friend for a "Girl's Night Out" thing, or rather as close as she can get given her Senior Citizen status.
And I'm at home with the dogs enduring the birds squawking due to boredom or hatred towards the music that I'm playing through an auxiliary cable I've attached between the computer and the Bose CD WavePlayer the family got my Dad for Father's Day adding yet another creature to my collection of aliens for the upcoming game Spore. (You can view my collection here.)
What's wrong with this picture? I don't even need an answer to that question because I already know what's wrong with this picture. I have no friends to hang out with. Not even once a week.
There's a lot of contributing factors to this, most of which have been addressed in one fashion or another several times on this blog to the point where the evolving excuses and logical reasonings really don't matter. Case and point: why I don't drive. I can list all the reasons, some very logical given things like how gas is now $4/gallon in the state and climbing. But in the end, it doesn't matter. People will still say I need to learn how to drive and will politely look down on me for the fact that I do not have that little card in my wallet that says I can drive anywhere I please. So why give a reason?
Out there is not my world. My world is constructed out of bits and bytes, zeros and ones, points of lights so tightly compressed next to each other that they are seen as one by the human eye. My world is Cyber Space, and it is here where I do all my socializing. It's a dangerous place, as anyone can tell you. Hell, I just watched a movie that subtly addresses that by showing humans talking to the person sitting right next to them via a video phone that is projected no farther away from their face than this monitor is from mine!! You would think I would have looked at that and said "What a second! That's me!" And I did.
Social ineptitude, shyness, and the list of reasons could go on and on. But none of them matter. After I finish this post, I'll continue to channel what little creative energy I have into designing another creature, inspired by an existing product or by intuition, instead of trying to figure out my thesis for round two. I haven't touched it since I moved out of the studio, even though it is both the first and last thing I think about during my daily routine.
There are some days where I know who I am but I just don't feel like that person. Today is one of those days.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Something's Not Right
Ever since I finished writing my last post, I've had this feeling in my gut that something isn't right. Not with my situation, but in general.
It's an eerie and foreboding feeling. The kind scary movies try to make you feel through really bad foreshadowing. It's not quite paranoia, but it is also well above insecurity.
Something doesn't feel right. There's a foul wind in the air. One that bids ill tidings for any that should be caught in its wake. One that may cause me to build a higher wall to keep the hurt out.
It's an eerie and foreboding feeling. The kind scary movies try to make you feel through really bad foreshadowing. It's not quite paranoia, but it is also well above insecurity.
Something doesn't feel right. There's a foul wind in the air. One that bids ill tidings for any that should be caught in its wake. One that may cause me to build a higher wall to keep the hurt out.
Company Policy
I talked to my HR Manager today and left with both a clear understanding of the process involved with getting a pay raise and a confusion on a company policy.
The pay raise policy makes sense. There are several contributing factors that determine if a worker gets a raise, such as economic needs and if the worker relies only on this job to make a living. My school leave requests caused me to be bumped to the back of the line (which is making me wonder what would have happened now if I didn't flag them about that starting pay increase that happened last year and I was being paid $6/hour instead of what I'm being paid now).
Another reason is budget. If the theatre is making money and they are doing what they are suppose to, naturally raises will occur. If not, then no matter how well of a worker you are, they simply cannot afford to give you a pay raise.
Again, all this makes sense. Even though I do have my reservation about the movie theatre not making any money.
What confuses me is the company policy on employee reviews. The policy is that there is no policy. They are not required to do reviews by any policy or even by law from what I was told. So why do them at all? It is to make sure the employee pool is working as efficiently as humanly possible. If anything, it is for the theatre's benefit.
They are also not required to show me my employee review. The corporate big wigs would like it if they would, hence the line where I am suppose to sign it saying that saw and agree to the document, but they do not require in either company policy or by law to sit me down and show it to me. To do so is a courtesy to me on behalf of the management team.
It was also disclosed to me that because of my school leave requests, there have been talks as to even if I should get a review for the time I worked for them. Their reasoning is because they cannot foresee my employment loyalty. They have had a history of workers going on school leave only to say halfway through the semester that they are not coming back. This means that doing an employee review would be a waste of time. The double-edge sword to this is the fact that they don't know if I'll be back, so they draw one up anyway just in case I do return. And again, they draw it up so that they can figure out how efficiently the employees are working.
Bottom line is that there is no demand for employee reviews let alone a requirement. I was given the impression that the only reason they even do them is to make those in positions above the theatre's management team look good to the District Manager. Quantity of labor rather than quality, for lack of a better phrase to use.
This is the part that confuses me. Not only was I not shown my review, because it is not required, but I'm not even required to have one in the first place? All it is used for is to make my managers look good for their managers because they did a little extra paperwork? And they don't even need me to sign it to show that they went the extra mile and sat me down in front of it explaining it to me?
If this is how the corporate world works, then I'm glad my life goal is to be in a position where all I can do all day is what I love to do: create.
The pay raise policy makes sense. There are several contributing factors that determine if a worker gets a raise, such as economic needs and if the worker relies only on this job to make a living. My school leave requests caused me to be bumped to the back of the line (which is making me wonder what would have happened now if I didn't flag them about that starting pay increase that happened last year and I was being paid $6/hour instead of what I'm being paid now).
Another reason is budget. If the theatre is making money and they are doing what they are suppose to, naturally raises will occur. If not, then no matter how well of a worker you are, they simply cannot afford to give you a pay raise.
Again, all this makes sense. Even though I do have my reservation about the movie theatre not making any money.
What confuses me is the company policy on employee reviews. The policy is that there is no policy. They are not required to do reviews by any policy or even by law from what I was told. So why do them at all? It is to make sure the employee pool is working as efficiently as humanly possible. If anything, it is for the theatre's benefit.
They are also not required to show me my employee review. The corporate big wigs would like it if they would, hence the line where I am suppose to sign it saying that saw and agree to the document, but they do not require in either company policy or by law to sit me down and show it to me. To do so is a courtesy to me on behalf of the management team.
It was also disclosed to me that because of my school leave requests, there have been talks as to even if I should get a review for the time I worked for them. Their reasoning is because they cannot foresee my employment loyalty. They have had a history of workers going on school leave only to say halfway through the semester that they are not coming back. This means that doing an employee review would be a waste of time. The double-edge sword to this is the fact that they don't know if I'll be back, so they draw one up anyway just in case I do return. And again, they draw it up so that they can figure out how efficiently the employees are working.
Bottom line is that there is no demand for employee reviews let alone a requirement. I was given the impression that the only reason they even do them is to make those in positions above the theatre's management team look good to the District Manager. Quantity of labor rather than quality, for lack of a better phrase to use.
This is the part that confuses me. Not only was I not shown my review, because it is not required, but I'm not even required to have one in the first place? All it is used for is to make my managers look good for their managers because they did a little extra paperwork? And they don't even need me to sign it to show that they went the extra mile and sat me down in front of it explaining it to me?
If this is how the corporate world works, then I'm glad my life goal is to be in a position where all I can do all day is what I love to do: create.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Wanted & To Want
Well, today was the day I got to hang out with an old friend. We caught up on several things and had a great night as friends. I even treated him to a free movie: Wanted.
The film itself was very entertaining and visually spectacular if only in a few places. But to be honest, it was just like any other "shoot 'em up" film. The concept was as interesting as the trailer and press made it out to be. It was the execution that made me feel a little bit like I've seen this film before.
The day itself, however, went pretty much like how I knew it would. Whatever thoughts and whatever fancies I had about what could happen did not. But that's par for the course. What did happen was a night where, for the first time, I was able to sit next to someone I have admitted that I was and still am attracted to and not have a case of nymphomania. A good thing for both me and him.
Still, though. Sitting here recalling the evening, a part of me yearns for more. Not sexually, but something small that would be a big thing for me.
Like a friendly hug...
The film itself was very entertaining and visually spectacular if only in a few places. But to be honest, it was just like any other "shoot 'em up" film. The concept was as interesting as the trailer and press made it out to be. It was the execution that made me feel a little bit like I've seen this film before.
The day itself, however, went pretty much like how I knew it would. Whatever thoughts and whatever fancies I had about what could happen did not. But that's par for the course. What did happen was a night where, for the first time, I was able to sit next to someone I have admitted that I was and still am attracted to and not have a case of nymphomania. A good thing for both me and him.
Still, though. Sitting here recalling the evening, a part of me yearns for more. Not sexually, but something small that would be a big thing for me.
Like a friendly hug...
Random Thought
Does anyone else find it funny that the anagram for "Social Inept" is "Coital Penis?"
