It's one thing to have no artistic direction, be it you never had one to begin with or you lost it in the process. It's another thing to be told you have no direction. I prefer to be lost and enjoying the process rather than being told I'm lost and I need to go this way. At least with art.
Last night, my seminar class had one of those class critiques that apparently I forgot we were going to do. I've been forgetting little details for each of my classes due to the massive amount of work I have to do for the other classes I have. Those little things seem to be big things to me in one sense or another.
Anyway, the critique I got was bad. I don't remember the little details. All I remember was being told that I need to focus on a direction and then just produce a huge quantity of images. Apparently the process I'm going through is taking longer than is desired of the class, and having no direction now means the long process isn't worth the final output. They would rather see quantity over quality.
My knee-jerk reaction was to throw those images I worked so hard on into the shredder. Right now, even with this carry-over of emotions, I don't even want to finish my pieces any more. I'm so frustrated with the reaction I got and the lack of knowing where I'm going artistically that I'm considering just submitting the following project in a month's time to the final panel, which means ultimately changing my thesis to something I can't research in the academic sense: A box of printer paper with a drawing on each sheet, totally well into the thousands, in a vain attempt to escape the fact that I suck as an artist.
I'm actually considering that line to be the title for the piece, minus the "as an artists" part and a few other choice words.
I know there is no way to justify why I'm doing this other than the fact that it is a knee-jerk reaction. I was having fun before, but now I just feel invalidated. That's the worse feeling you can have as an artist. Hell, that's the worse feeling you can have as a human!
In my mind's eye, my paper would just be a self-confession of depression and pessimistic thoughts that somehow links back to that box of paper with random and unrelated images. It would touch on things like the mask I put on just to get through the day and how that mask is starting to lose its string that keeps it up, why I always turn to video games when I feel like this, and generally what it is like to live not knowing if you officially have depression or not (though, I believe, that if you just exhibit the signs as part of your regular behavior, you probably have it.) Somehow, I would tied the whole thing together in an attempt to show that this isn't so much art therapy as it is very much escapism, an escape from reality and all its problems.
It sounds like a great plan on paper, but executing it? And actually getting a positive reaction for once in a class I actually care about? Do I even have to say "Frankly, I doubt that will happen?"
Once I get my box of paper, I'll go through with the idea. As for the paper? It's not so much a thesis paper so much as it is a supplementary piece. I'll be writing it on the side and only researching when needed. None of that "get your facts first and then critically analyze them" academic bullshit I've been doing. Obviously that doesn't work for me.
I feel like I just proposed this project for nobody's approval. But at this point? This late in the game? I could care less. In fact, I'm starting to.
6 comments:
I think you have alot to say about the way you interact with the world. Through this blog you've shown that there is a barrier between you and the society you live in (the mask is part of it). I think sincerity can go a long way in art. I would love to see you express the frustration or disparity you feel exists through a body of work. The printer paper may work but the first thing I think of is "why printer paper?". Make sure you have a reason and let us know why paper is an acceptable medium to communicate to us through. Quantity can show that you're neurotic but it can also very well express frustration. One thing I feel I may have seen in your work is that you try to conform some of your work to what you think people want to see from you, This may be a disservice to you. You definately have to be conscious of your audience but don't pander to them. Remmember Debbie's show, "What angers me inspires me." Let your frustration piss you off and push you forward.
Also some general advice on work. Don't tell people what to think, present them with the path that leads them to come to think your way.
I agree with everything Anonymous has stated. His/her advice is dead-on, thoughtful and well-stated. People are rooting for you, Jon. How does that feel?
I jumped up out of my chair and did a little dance when I read about your plans to get a box of paper and make thousands of drawings from now until the end of the semester. It is such a great idea, so reactive and raw and you aren't leaving any room to talk yourself out of it or overexplain anything. It is introspective and frustrated, but also productive and aggressive. I would love to visit Nashville for your senior show and see this work in the gallery.
It sounds as if through your discouragement you are forging ahead and going with your gut. Perfect! Let the work justify itself after it's done. What you have described is a brilliant plan and if you are as prolific with these drawings as you have been with your blog, there will be some fascinating opportunities for self-discovery. I cannot wait to see this, Jonathan. I'm so excited for you!
As for the very good question "why printer paper?" I suggest you just go with your first impulse and figure out along the way why this was your choice. There is a reason - maybe it's aesthetic or personal or metaphoric - you will figure it out as you're doing those drawings. Shoot first and ask questions later.
I'm really really excited for you!
There are some things one does not want to be told. I remember vividly being told that I was passive-aggressive and I did not like it even though I didn't really know what it meant. I remember when I was labeled as unindividuated and I still don't know what that means. And recently I remember when I was dismissed as too old and I do know what that means.
Just now I am thinking: does being individuated mean learning to wear the right mask at the right time? If so, I guess that I am an "un" as I keep telling people what I think they should hear instead of what they want to hear. And isn't that what an artist is supposed to do? In the visual arts: show people what they should see instead of what they expect to see!
We do not have depression, depression has us. The CES-D Depression scale asks twenty questions about current behavior. The last two are "I felt that people dislike me," and "I could not 'get going.'" But remember this is how we think that others are thinking about us. In reality they are probably too busy thinking about other things to bother "disliking us" or to notice "our stuck in the mudness." The trick is to tell yourself positive things about yourself even if you don't believe them at first. Just do it... and keep on doing it.
Why not call your new project "Still sucking after all these years but sucking at a better place."
As Jason says, do the new project and overwhelm others. Now I say, keep doing the old project along with the new old and just don't tell anyone about it anymore. Someday a special person will come along and that special person will see your hidden project as great.
We can only care less because we do care.
I felt that you've set yourself up for failure this semester....For example, when I asked you what you made on your paper, you said you wouldn't even look at it because you knew it was bad. You have to stop expecting to get a negative result, and if you feel that's what your work deserves - then change that!
I have only read your blog every once in a while but I always notice how you are depressed. You should take your friends advice and follow your new ideas. I like the quote by Debbie ===> "if it angers it inspires" Anger is a good way to stand up for yourself. ;)
You use the phrase "this late in the game" but it is not a game. It's not even just a class. It is your life. It is never too late to figure out what you want. Rejoice in your epiphany and make it work, bro. Don't stop caring. Care more. That will show `em.
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