There always seems to come a point in my disconnect with life in general where I end up losing that which I wanted to keep for so long. And if I can be selfish for just one moment, this always happens when I need what I lose.
Right now, I'm staring down the face of the potential end of a friendship that I've grown fond of. Two, in fact. Both people are nice guys in general and are often very busy doing what it is that makes them so great in my eyes. But it has become apparent
that we have reached a point where frustration and anger will ultimately lead to disownership.
I don't know what happened or when it first started, but I've come to expect and anticipate this kind of thing no matter how hopeful I get that maybe this time I will be wrong and I'll be able to keep the friendship going longer than anything I've known. Maybe even make that sincere connection with a person. But this has happened to me too many times for me to freak out and try to correct the mistakes by making myself a better friend for the sake of keeping their friendship. Whenever I tried, it would never work. After being shot down several times over the course of what little social life I have, it's gotten to the point where once I see a hint of someone threatening to stop talking to me, I accept it and expect that expression of ultimate frustration to be the last time we ever communicate. I don't try to fix the problem anymore, because I know that if I try to, I'll just make it worse.
And yet, I have this feeling that people expect me to freak out and try to save a floundering friendship only to be even more disappointed by my lack of attempt. I can't win either way.
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