For the better part of the semester, I've been taking on personal projects with the intent of "keeping me sane" during the semester. After all, I have four studio classes that involve some kind of outside time and pretty much force me to do projects that feel like a chore in one respect or another.
However, this past weekend, amids the sleep deprivation and late nights staring at the computer screen with blood-shot eyes and headphones blaring whatever MP3 I just downloaded, I came to a sharp realization.
These projects that I am doing to keep me sane are driving me closer to insanity. I am moving from one obsession to the next like a rabid fan girl in a room full of the latest teenage fads spanning the better part of several years! Instead of doing what I want on the side I'm doing what I want when I want and saying "screw you!" to the things I need to do!
The madness of insecurity is tightening its grasp, and the breaking point is slowly coming closer to actually happening. I fear that I can't stop this, that I have passed the point of no return. Because, like a baby going through the "mine" phase, I can't stop thinking selfish and shallow thoughts and wanting to do the things I want to do, even knowing what the damage will be to the things I need to do.
If this is the helpless feeling those that actually follow through with committing suicide feel before pulling the trigger, I can see why they would take the easy way out. I was there once before, but it was due to loneliness and being a social outcast. Now? I just feel like I've lost control of my life and I can't bring it back on to the road.
1 comment:
Jon,
I can't tell whether you're serious or just letting off steam, but if you're having suicidal thoughts, you need to find help.
I'll be thinking about you, bro.
Rob
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